Embracing my inner teetotaler
 

Day 3 and my eye is on the prize (which, I'm told is just making it through today).

I've been thinking about addiction. I quit smoking a few months ago, and used Chantix. You took a pill in the morning, because you couldn't trust that person you turned out to be later.

Turns out I'm 2 people. One, a well meaning teetotaler who exudes confidence, happiness, charm and resourcefulness. Know what I mean? People call me for stuff.

The other "me" is a monster. Indeed, the monster I'm trying to kill with this experiment and lifestyle change. This guy isn't confident, he's brash. He's not charming, he's disrespectful and mean. He's not resourceful: he'll probably steal something from you.

For me, addiction recovery is an intentional, premeditated murder of my monster.

I'm not sure if being powerless works for me. I think feeling a lack of agency in my life is what turns me to the monster.

Fear works. And I'm scared.

I'm being active. I'm doing intentional writing. I'm considering my thoughts. I'm getting support everywhere I can. I'm filling my nights with tasks and volunteering in my community. I consider these things sharpening my knives. I've been lucky not to see my monster much in the last 3 days, but when he comes...

I'm going to hurt him. And each time I hurt him, each time my tools work and his impulses fail, my dapper monocle-wearing teetotaler will grow and he'll shrink.

It's funny. I work towards nonviolence and justice in my activism and career, and the only way I can express my recover is through violence.

love,
New.

I'm not in AA so this is not sanctioned by anyone but me LOL
but I figure I'm not powerless - but I become powerless when I ingest alcohol.

I don't find the fight analogy useful, although I know many do. Fighting something implies to me the chance the other guy can win.

I just don't fight anymore.

I accepted I'm an alcoholic...I can't drink -ever - and I make sure I have a wide range of options at any time to make sure I never do.

No drink. No fight.
I win.

Good luck NP :)
D

You sound determined. That could be good or it could be bad.

If you are determined to find a solution it is good.

If you are determined to beat it on your own it could be bad.

I like the analogy. I think of it the same way sometimes. I started thinking that this voice in my head that keeps telling me I can control my drinking or that I'm not really an alcoholic.... that this voice is not really me... it's my disease... it's this alcoholic entity that wants me to fail.... It lies... It's manipulative... and it's smart! Ever since I started thinking that, it's been easier to identify lies it tells me and easier to defeat it.

I don't like to think I'm powerless... I am strong. I am powerful. I am smart. I can do anything I set my mind to... unless I drink. One drink and I become powerless. As long as I don't give in, I am winning and I'm proud of that. I am grateful for that.

I've been attracted to alot of the methods of SMART recovery to help me change my thinking. There are parts of the 12 steps that I also utilize. I also try to make myself strong by eating healthy and by focusing on goals like running a marathon... basically, things I could never achieve as an alcoholic.

I think everyone has to find what works for them. I have no where near the amount of experience in sobriety as some of these other people. But I have changed my life for the better these last 3 years, cutting out bad habits like smoking and drinking every night. Cutting out drinking ALL TOGETHER is my new effort. I'm inspired by the people in this forum... people like you. Keep up the good work! You can beat it!

I'm not going to judge or criticize anyone's attempts at sobriety, but I can say that I tried all sorts of things to control my drinking and to stop drinking. None of it worked. I tried my ways until it almost drove me insane and I was at the end of my rope. Then I went to my first AA meeting. I didn't have much hope when I got there but I was desperate enough to listen and learn. Now, I have 25 years of sobriety, so naturally I will put in my two cents worth for AA and the wonderful 12 steps that saved my life. I wish everyone well, but I hope you don't try everything else to avoid what has a great track record.

I too had to find out the painfully hard way about what works for me as in addiction treatment. Urges to use can be intense, compelling and overwhelming, however what actions I choose in response to the urge is up to me. It was hard fought self-knowledge with plenty of bumps in the road that gave me this important insight. I could choose to give in to my urge with all the usual self talk that I was hopelessly addicted and had to use to stop the urges. I finally realized that pain may be unavoidable but suffering is optional and I no longer suffer with urges. Having a personalized addiction treatment program with the assistance of helping others, I now choose to go in the direction of being helped when red flags pop up like urges to use.