understanding1

I am trying to UNDERSTAND my recovering alcoholic/addict partner. Last Spring we met and fell in love and in the summer got married. We honeymooned just a few weeks ago and had the time of our lives together. Everything had been wonderful, despite my unemployment, until recently, and I need to understand why? Now I am not without some blame here, I have had many a depressing... day lately and have felt lost,lonely, insecure and well- needy, mostly because of my unemployment but also because of some poor health and recent health scare. All along my partner and I have spent all of our free time together and now all of a sudden she wants to go to AA meetings alone,( I've always gone with) and wants to have more time away from me and I dont understand it. She also said that she feels she cant reach out or talk to other alcoholics after meetings, even though I'd never stop her. She says that sometimes an alcoholic has to be "selfish" and think only of herself.
She says that in the beginning 2 couples just cant get enough of each other and she's moved past that stage. But we have only been together for 8 months, shouldnt this "stage" take years?
Also, part of my insecurities is regarding her ex-partner. I have always tried to understand their relationship because there is a child involved BUT they suddenly have started to talk alot more often and her ex still treats my partner like a possession and it drives me nuts. Her ex also had a recent health scare and she showed her great compassion, that frankly she hasnt completely shown to me. I have communicated all of these things to my partner but she just thinks I'm being insecure and I have nothing to worry about with regard to the ex.
I need some insight...

NewMe11109

Hi Understanding -

Welcome to SR.

A couple of thoughts.

First, please read the Friends and Families section of SR. This will help you a lot. You might even post your same message there or ask a Moderator to move it there.

Second, yes, alcoholics must focus on our recovery as our #1 priority. So, perhaps it is ok to let your partner do some of the AA work by themselves. Overcoming alcoholism / addiction is about doing it for myself, not doing it for someone else. So, this may actually be a positive thing. You just may need to let go a bit.

Third, you might watch out to see if you are being co-dependent a bit. Read in the Friends and Families section and in the Stickies there for more info on this.

Finally, recovering alcoholics go through stages of recovery (even all the while sober). This is called PAWS or post accute withdrawal syndrome. See this link. Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma So, it might be normal.

I wish you the best.

littlefish

So, I guess you have been going to open meetings with her? Open meetings are open to anyone, whether they are an alcoholic or not. Closed meetings are only for recovering alcoholics and anyone who has a desire to stop drinking.
I understand how she feels.
My husband has no interest in coming to an AA meeting with me. He understands this is my struggle, an internal process that I have to work out myself, and of course with the help of the fellowship.
I suggest giving her that space. The issues of your relationship are separate from her recovery.
Maybe you two might go to open alanon meetings together instead?