My wife is mean! She says it's all my fault!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Originally Posted by tommyk 
Everyone can learn something from this phrase in the first post:
"She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking."
Right?
"She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking."
Right?
His wife is one of those persons who really feels there is something rather sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: virginia beach, va
Posts: 29
Thanks for sharing. Who needs to watch TV soap operas or made for TV mini series when you are already living in one. I'm a long,long time Al-Anon member who found your post quite by accident. In all this time (32 years), I have attended at least two Al-Anon meetings a week. For the first ten years of my program, I attended a lot of open A.A. meetings so that I could really understand alcoholism as an illness and hear how or what helped alcoholics to get sober. It didn't take long for me to realize that in terms of craziness and insane behavior, there wasn't any difference between me as the non drinker/family member and my husband, the drinker. We were both dancing around the bottle. And, I really came to believe that it was the grace of God that gets alcoholics sober and that got me into Al-Anon.
As the A.A.s often say, "some are sicker than others." AL-Anon is a relief because we find we are no longer alone and meet people who understand what we have been through. I've lived in four different states and attended Al-Anon meetings all over the U.S.--none of the Al-Anon groups ever suggested that blaming and continuing to blame the alcoholic was an acceptable part of or step in my recovery.
The mantra in Al-Anon is "GET THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF--NOT THE ALCOHOLIC." Some Al-Anon members are not willing or capable of doing this because if they do, it means they have to look at themselves, their own attitudes, and behaviors. It means that we are responsible for ourselves and that it doesn't matter what others around us are doing or thinking. Blaming the alcoholic for all that is wrong is a phase in our recovery that eventually either we learn to let it go, or we stay stuck in OUR YUCK. There is no time table as to when Al-Anon members start to look into the mirror and see only their own image or that when they point their index finger at someone else, three are pointing back at us. There is no pill that I know of that makes an Al-Anon member want to become responsible for him or herself. And if my mind is closed and I don't want to change, nothing can reach me whether it is a therapist or counselor, attending Al-Anon meetings, and/or reading self-help books. It is hard to trust that a Higher Power has a timetable for each of us and it is very hard to accept that the person in my life to whom I should be closest to isn't on the same or parallel path of recovery that I am.
The early wives of A.A. members found that even though their husbands were sober, their marriages weren't doing well and that they, too, needed the principles of the 12 Steps to recover. What I have seen among married program couples is that it comes down to either growing together or growing apart. The A.A. member in recovery is growing and the spouse is left behind because he or she is stuck in a mental rut. Now that the A.A. is sober, it means more change--the spouse may live in fear that the drinking will start again sooner or later or that the spouse is going to so many A.A. meetings to find another mate who "understands me." Whether you are drunk, dry, or sober, your wife can't avoid "change." Sobriety brings a whole new set of circumstances (Al-Anon has a great booklet called "Living with Sobriety - A New Beginning." She may be living in fear, very distrustful and resentful of you, and is not being responsible for herself and her attitudes and actions. I found that drunk or dry, in A.A. or not, an alcoholic is very easy and convenient to blame if I want to avoid myself.
Believe it or not, when the alcoholic is drinking, the non alcoholic has more control. Your behavior is more predictable--Some women become very used to managing everything in the family life. A good example is the check book and credit cards. The alcoholic becomes sober and wants to have adult or partner responsilities. You don't want to be treated or talked to like a child anymore. Plus if you are sober, there is actually a chance of having a conversation that you wil remember--so now what do I, as the nondrinking spouse say? What is there to talk about? Communication is a toughie.
What can you do? Others in your situation that I have seen over the years take care of themselves by going to a lot of meetings, talking with their Sponsors, and working the prinicples of the program. Drinking again won't change your wife's recovery or lack there of in Al-Anon. Plus, we learn in Al-Anon that we can't make anyone drink, stay sober, or cure their alcoholism. But on your side of the fence, a beady-eyed, negative thinking spouse who is going to Al-Anon meetings but not getting anything out of them would be a great excuse.
I feel certain based upon the benefits of the 12 Steps that I have gained over the years and in watching others in A.A. and Al-Anon recover, that you, too will know what to do when your Higher Power gives you the signal. You won't be angry or doing anything in haste. The truth becomes crystal clear.At least now you know how sick the nondrinker is and that alcoholism affects everyone in the family.
As the A.A.s often say, "some are sicker than others." AL-Anon is a relief because we find we are no longer alone and meet people who understand what we have been through. I've lived in four different states and attended Al-Anon meetings all over the U.S.--none of the Al-Anon groups ever suggested that blaming and continuing to blame the alcoholic was an acceptable part of or step in my recovery.
The mantra in Al-Anon is "GET THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF--NOT THE ALCOHOLIC." Some Al-Anon members are not willing or capable of doing this because if they do, it means they have to look at themselves, their own attitudes, and behaviors. It means that we are responsible for ourselves and that it doesn't matter what others around us are doing or thinking. Blaming the alcoholic for all that is wrong is a phase in our recovery that eventually either we learn to let it go, or we stay stuck in OUR YUCK. There is no time table as to when Al-Anon members start to look into the mirror and see only their own image or that when they point their index finger at someone else, three are pointing back at us. There is no pill that I know of that makes an Al-Anon member want to become responsible for him or herself. And if my mind is closed and I don't want to change, nothing can reach me whether it is a therapist or counselor, attending Al-Anon meetings, and/or reading self-help books. It is hard to trust that a Higher Power has a timetable for each of us and it is very hard to accept that the person in my life to whom I should be closest to isn't on the same or parallel path of recovery that I am.
The early wives of A.A. members found that even though their husbands were sober, their marriages weren't doing well and that they, too, needed the principles of the 12 Steps to recover. What I have seen among married program couples is that it comes down to either growing together or growing apart. The A.A. member in recovery is growing and the spouse is left behind because he or she is stuck in a mental rut. Now that the A.A. is sober, it means more change--the spouse may live in fear that the drinking will start again sooner or later or that the spouse is going to so many A.A. meetings to find another mate who "understands me." Whether you are drunk, dry, or sober, your wife can't avoid "change." Sobriety brings a whole new set of circumstances (Al-Anon has a great booklet called "Living with Sobriety - A New Beginning." She may be living in fear, very distrustful and resentful of you, and is not being responsible for herself and her attitudes and actions. I found that drunk or dry, in A.A. or not, an alcoholic is very easy and convenient to blame if I want to avoid myself.
Believe it or not, when the alcoholic is drinking, the non alcoholic has more control. Your behavior is more predictable--Some women become very used to managing everything in the family life. A good example is the check book and credit cards. The alcoholic becomes sober and wants to have adult or partner responsilities. You don't want to be treated or talked to like a child anymore. Plus if you are sober, there is actually a chance of having a conversation that you wil remember--so now what do I, as the nondrinking spouse say? What is there to talk about? Communication is a toughie.
What can you do? Others in your situation that I have seen over the years take care of themselves by going to a lot of meetings, talking with their Sponsors, and working the prinicples of the program. Drinking again won't change your wife's recovery or lack there of in Al-Anon. Plus, we learn in Al-Anon that we can't make anyone drink, stay sober, or cure their alcoholism. But on your side of the fence, a beady-eyed, negative thinking spouse who is going to Al-Anon meetings but not getting anything out of them would be a great excuse.
I feel certain based upon the benefits of the 12 Steps that I have gained over the years and in watching others in A.A. and Al-Anon recover, that you, too will know what to do when your Higher Power gives you the signal. You won't be angry or doing anything in haste. The truth becomes crystal clear.At least now you know how sick the nondrinker is and that alcoholism affects everyone in the family.
Last edited by sandladyvb; 08-06-2009 at 07:23 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Originally Posted by sandladyvb
Believe it or not, when the alcoholic is drinking, the non alcoholic has more control. Your behavior is more predictable--
Sorry, maybe I'm having a dark humor moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
I was listening to an Alanon/AA speaker meeting online and a member of AA said he would get up and go through door A and wound up being punched. He would get up again and try to go through the same door A, only to be punched again. It never occured to him that door B might be a better choice.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
i just wanted to say what an incredible thread this is. there are so many amazing insights and varying opinions, and yet it was handeled gracefully and respectfully by all. this conversation is significantly impacting me, and i'm glad it grew even after the OP ceased to post. the wisdom and patience here at SR makes me proud to be a member of this forum.
thank you all.
bh
thank you all.
bh
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Cubile75
I am a little confused... she's angry that you are about to quit drinking?
If that is all you have done so far, it does not sound like you are willing to change anything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
I remember when I came into AA they use to say that in many cases it was a lot harder for the "sober" spouses than the alcoholic because when we put down the bottle we really could see how our disease manifested itself whereas the spouses struggled because they had no bottle to put down: it was all our fault.
I have surfed SR for some time now always taking what I needed to help me in my sobriety and leaving the rest until recently. I have always found the family and friends section interesting but also really sad -- this is an ugly disease. Anyway I BELIEVE and have HOPE today, some thing I didn't have when I came in but I often walk away from those threads sensing that at some level the disease concept has been overlooked and that there's no hope for the A.
So tonight I had Hope defined for me as it relates to relates to recovery & relationships in sobriety, I was mesmerized by a woman's story tonight: she and her hub, both alcoholics, got sober on the same day well over 13 years ago and this past summer they celebrated 42 years of marriage -- she said it was by them BOTH working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and by working them autonomously! I was like YEAHHHHHHH -- relationships can and do endure inspite of the disease!
As for your other half and her response to YOU taking care of YOUR disease, check out "How One AA Wife Lives the 12 Steps" by Lois W., Grapevine, August 1953. It can be found at silkworth.net.
I have surfed SR for some time now always taking what I needed to help me in my sobriety and leaving the rest until recently. I have always found the family and friends section interesting but also really sad -- this is an ugly disease. Anyway I BELIEVE and have HOPE today, some thing I didn't have when I came in but I often walk away from those threads sensing that at some level the disease concept has been overlooked and that there's no hope for the A.
So tonight I had Hope defined for me as it relates to relates to recovery & relationships in sobriety, I was mesmerized by a woman's story tonight: she and her hub, both alcoholics, got sober on the same day well over 13 years ago and this past summer they celebrated 42 years of marriage -- she said it was by them BOTH working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and by working them autonomously! I was like YEAHHHHHHH -- relationships can and do endure inspite of the disease!
As for your other half and her response to YOU taking care of YOUR disease, check out "How One AA Wife Lives the 12 Steps" by Lois W., Grapevine, August 1953. It can be found at silkworth.net.
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