tk1fry

I have a 5 and 6 year old. I have almost a year. My kids know that I used to drink, they don't know how much, and they do know that I go to meetings a lot, but they don't know what kind or what they are about. When I was in rehab we told them I was in school (every time we pass the hospital in the car they yell out "there's daddy's school").

So tonight I met an old timer whos teenage kid has never seen him drunk. I asked him when he sat his kid down and let the cat out of the bag. He said "never, hes always known". He said why not take the option to drink away from him by letting him know what happens, especialy since your an alcoholic and he might inherit that gene. I think he has a point. He seems to live his life through his experience strength and hope, living by example.

I'm torn, i dont want to keep secrets from the kids (I know that I have been), but if I tell them Is it going to take something away from their childhood? Is it going to make grow up faster? Is it going to ruin them forever (I know its not but thats where my head takes me)? If i do tell them there is also a question of anonimity as 5 and 6 year old talk. Kids say the darnedest things as many of you know.

I feel that I can trust the comittee here better then the one in my head, so i'm interested in other's experiences with their kids.

Thanks

keithj

Could try to pray about this and see what guidance you find? My soon to be seven year old has grown up in the rooms of AA. He knows that I am an alcoholic and that I have recovered. He sees me working with others. We've talked about alcoholism, what that means and how it affected me.

A couple of folks I know feel strongly about shielding their kids from all of this. It's none of my business, but I sometimes wonder if maybe they are still living with some shame. Dunno. I'm not proud of all parts of my past. But I don't live in regret and I don't have anything to fear.

As far as the kids saying something, I just don't care. I am an alcoholic. What are they going to do, tell their teacher? Well, maybe their teacher knows someone in need of recovery. I want to be there for that person.

Astro

I probably can't share it any better than keithj did, my experience is very similar. My kids watched me drink, they begged me not to buy alcohol on trips to the store, they witnessed the battles between their Mom and I, and they were present for her affair and the nastiness of our divorce.

Children are incredibly resilient and uncannily intellegent, they probably knew much more than I gave them credit for.

My children were 7 & 9 when I sobered up, in my 5th month sober they started attending meetings 3-5 times a week with me. They understood that I was becoming a much better person in recovery, and my fellow AA'ers made them feel comfortable and welcome. That was 4 years ago, they still go a couple times a week, I'm eternally grateful to them for being understanding and supportive. As they head into their teens it's not "cool" for them to be hanging out at meetings so I'm trying to break away from dragging them along, but I know without a doubt that the seed has been planted, recovery is a good thing, hopefully I've set an example for them.

As far as my anonymity goes, my kids have shared with plenty of teachers, classmates, and other parents that they go to AA meetings with me. I really don't care, in fact I'm just proud to be the sober father of two amazing children. Being a parent in recovery is a gift, it's not something I choose to hide.

tk1fry

Thanks for the replies. The reason that this issue has been on my mind is because I hit 1 year yesterday and I'm very proud of my accoplishment, never thought I accomplish anything by not doing something, lol . But I did ask them if they were curious what I was doing going to my meetings. They said yes so I told them that I go to the meetings to help other people not drink alcohol, just to plant the seed. And its true, the meetings are there not only to keep me sober but so I be of service to others as well. They know that I did drink and that I don't anymore, and they probably put 2 and 2 together and figured it out. I think im pretty much in agreement with the fact that is ok for them to know that recovery is a good thing.

I'm going to tell them tonight that I have a year of sobriety and how proud I am of myself.

you know, I'm not that worried about the ananomity part, but my wife is a bit and I feel that I need to respect that, so I'm going to wait to tell them just how much of a raging alcoholic I am. But I am going to pray about some as well.

thanks

Astro

Hey, big time congrats on your first year, that's a huge accomplishment and you should be proud!

The club I attend my meetings at has dinners once a month for Birthday Night, BBQ's in the spring, holiday dinners, a New Years Eve party, and a whole bunch of other events. My kids had a blast at those things, and they got to know the children of my fellow AA'ers and made friends with them too.

We are not a glum lot, might as well share it with our kids, right?

tk1fry

right, we are not glum, rule 62. I forget sometimes. Thank you.

jamdls

I think the way you are handling this with your kids sounds good. Children that young do not need to know everything they would not understand. As they get into their teens I would tell them more and more about the problem because yes alcoholism is often hereditary. I didn't start drinking heavily until my daughter was 12 and even while I was drinking I always told her the dangers of alcohol and that my father was alcoholic. I don't know if it was what I told her or the disgrace she saw in me, but she is now 28 and has never had any interest in drinking, her husband has to coax her into even having 1, I'm very happy about that.

Judy

hollyce

Thank you sooo much for sharing your success with us!
I'm so very proud of you.

I was just thinking you may find some great answers regarding families and alcoholism through Al Anon. Al-Anon Topics for Beginners

Again, wonderful job on your year of sobriety.

Cheers,
Hollyce

lovinmenow

Congrats on staying clean. I would not tell children that young. They are not old enough to understand. You are a role model for them and a sober one at that. The whole thing is a mute point right now. Maybe when they are teenagers and you need to sit them down and tell them not to drink as adults, you can tell them than.

katie89

My older kids forgave me and I never hid it from the younger ones.I took the older kids in for a recovery sessions.The younger ones they were too young they were 2 and 3 at the time.They felt they were too young and all they needed was love and stability.Which is what they have received.It gets easier every day and maybe one day you will be able to forgive yourself.I see it as a disease though.I was helpless until I saw it as not my fault but my diseases fault.

coffeenut

Congrats on your sobriety! Giving your kids a sober parent is the greatest gift I can think of to give them.

I think you'll know what to say and when to say it. It will most certainly be a huge conversation helper when they hit those teenage years of trying things they shouldn't.

Welcome to SR!

sarahmills

There is always a time for everything. If your kids can't understand your situation right now, don't worry because eventually they will. Just be strong and always stay sober.

tk1fry

I appreciate everyone's comments. They are all usefull to me and I'm sure I'm not the only one who wonders about this topic. What I have decided to do is what I stated in the other posts. At this time I don't think that I need to expand the topic to the kids until later.

Here's the funny thing though, and I'm going to tell on myself. When I really look at this topic and my motives for wanting to tell my kids that I'm an alcholic, I'm actually trying to seek their approval. I didn't realize it before, but all the excitement I had coming up to my year mark I wanted all the people around me to know what a good job I did, and wanted my kids to be especially proud of me (and I know they are) and to stroke my ego. However I will just have live by example, try to be humble, and let them come to me when they are ready. Let go Let God, I suppose. I don't always see through my BS so I'm really happy that I eventually did on this one.

huntsober

Thank you for your post.

I have been thinking about telling my 17 year old. Since it is a chance she too could develope this disease. She has never seen me using (25 yrs in Sept) but she needs to know that she is set up for it big time. I am sure she has knowledge from schools, tv and internet. She is a good smart young lady. No using or anything going on with her. It is time that I discuss my recovery with her. Thanks again, I knew the day was coming I just didnt think it was so near...Isnt it strange how we folks can have the best kids. Its like God is raising them. mmmmm go figure.

crzylilmndfreak

i was sharing custody of my now 14 yr old with his dad, 3 yrs ago he was on a visit to me, and he went to an AA meeting with me, he knew of my drinking and that i was trying to stop.one of his visits i messed up big time... i got sloppy drunk and my husband had to call 911 on me, and my son saw all of this. i have not seen him now for the last 3 yrs, he does not want anything to do with me anymore. i feel like a piece of me is gone now, and i pray that some day he will forgive me.
i also have 8 yr old twins and a 5 yr old boy, a year ago i went through inpatient treatment, and they visited me all the time, they didnt know why but i did recently tell them that i was there because i drank too much beer and that they should never drink it because it will make them very sick.
I have not had a drink now for 14 months, i did have a relapse in Nov. i took some pills, so i have to consider that my "clean date" but
i think kids know more than we realize, i really do think that it is best to be up fron and honest with them from the start. they may not fully "get it" but as they grow up they will see a happy clean and sober mom that cherrishes every moment that i have with them and that is what matters most.

keithj

I'll throw this in just because it helped so much with the relationship I have with my son. I was talking to a guy this weekend who was going through the formal amends process with his kids, and it reminded me of my own experience with that.

Even though it may feel silly and a bunch of reasons not to do it can be found (like they were too young or don't remember or not ready to hear this), making amends with one's young children is a magical thing. I would urge everyone going through AA's steps to not overlook that for any reason. My son was 5 when I sat down with him for a formal amends. Maybe it was just coincidence (not!) but it had a profound effect on our relationship.