freya

Well, I've been seeing the word "normal" thrown around this site so much lately that it's beginning to get a little scary. Therefore, I think it's time for me to come clean about something here: my recovery has absolutely nothing to do with my wanting or trying to become "normal."

In fact, I have to say that I hate the word "normal;" I hate the ideas behind the word "normal;" I hate the apparent motivations behind the use of the word "normal;" I hate the way I've seen the desire for "normal" f*ck up some pretty good recoveries.

As it's commonly used, the word "normal" can mean either "healthy" or "common/typical/average"...but, it is often implicitly and dangerously used to mean both of those things at the same time (i.e as when someone in recovery says that he "is not like 'normal' people," or "I want to date a 'normal' person"). And that is a total mindf*ck because, as far as I can tell, those two meanings are, in actual lived-experience, utterly and absolutely contradictory.

The reality is that, unfortunately, what is "normal," in the sense of common, and/or average, and/or typical in this world is far, far from what is "normal" in the sense of healthy. And, based on what I see in those seriously-committed-to-recovery people I know, the the more "normal" (healthy) people become through working their recoveries, the less "normal" (typical/average/common) they are....

.....and, personally, I find that to be a good and admirable thing.....

....because when I think about what is typical/average/common in the world around me I think about all the dysfunction, all the lying, all the denial, all the fear, all the hatred, all the shame, all the spiritual isolation, etc...etc....etc...basically, all of the insanity that we see glamorized and sensationalized and conveniently packaged for our enter-and-info-tainment all day, everyday in our "normal" culture....

....and none of THAT has anything to do with MY recovery (nor is it in any way conducive to my being or becoming healthy in any way) -- other than insofar as it is what makes recovery necessary in the first place.

I feel like I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my HP doesn't make "normal;" My HP makes unique and special and individual and different...and my recovery is about discovering, honoring and realizing everything that HP has made me; I have no intention of diminishing myself or insulting my HP by settling for or trying to conform to "normal."

freya

Latte

I don't know what other peoples "normal" is, I just live my life and take care of business. I tried to be my mother when it came to parenting and felt miserable when I couldn't do it and finally understood that I had to be me and figuring out who that was was so important to my recovery and my parenting and living my life. I don't really care if others see me as normal these days as long as my family sees me as being a good wife/mother/daughter.

aasharon90

I always refered to my exhusband as "normal"
in my first marriage. Normal in the way he
didnt have drinking problem like me.

He could drink one or 2 drinks a yr and
that was fine for him. Me, 1 or 2 was
never enough and thus I became
powerless over it and my life was
unmanageable.

He didnt seem to have all the problems
like i did when alcohol was a factor.

Today....im as "normal" as normal
can be without alcohol. I still have
a disease of alcoholism however it
is manageable as long as i live the
12 steps in my everyday affair.

Thanks for letting me share.

Wolfchild

For me, 'normal' is an illusion. It gears my thinking toward getting something i don't have that everyone else has. It focuses my attention on what other people are doing that i should be doing. It's a perverted type of "mob rules" mentality that seems to limit my ability to live my own life. It presupposes a standard which demands perfection that is always out of reach.

i prefer to live the best i can with what God has given me to work with. At the core of my being, there is a constant state of change taking place. i am ever growing and always moving forward; emotionaly, mentaly, physicaly, and spiritualy. Even if i choose to call that "normal" for me, using that label somehow takes away from the special value it has for me and makes it obscene.

i give myself (and everyone else) much more freedom by sharing what we have in common, appreciating our individuality, and enjoying our creativity.

yeahgr8

I'm not normal and never will be, thank God! It is completely repellant to me and i would be in tears if someone described me as a 'normal kind of guy'...

As you said that has nothing to do with my recovery!

PXYZ

We alcoholics are incurable sick men ...so it is "normal" or not ?

KenL

Thank you Latte. Very wisely spoken.
Thank you freya. I think of the word normal in much the same way as you. I also think of the word quality with nearly the same disdain. How does anyone really define the words normal and quality? Especially when it revolves around the topic of recovery. The parameters are just too obscure. I already know you're smarter than I am so please don't engage me.

kj3880

I love this thread, thanks Freya! I'm so not normal, but I often find myself answering questions from other addicts about "what is normal" for suboxone detox or for NA attendance, or any of the other stuff I did. I try to remember to add to my response: Here is what I did, so it's normal for me. Your mileage may vary, and probably will! I try to remember that especially with recovery, there is no normal.

Spiritually, the people I admire are anything but normal!

KJ

ChasinMyOwnTail

As stupid as the word normal sounds to me...as much as i've been running away from it my whole life..I do secretly wish to be "normal" ...my version of normal of course...not consumed with a heroin addiction and a relationship with another addict...thats my normal...to someone else it could be day to day bill paying and working a 9-5. I crave that. And that normal seems to elude me.

freya

Chase, love your user-name!!!!!!!

hiding

Thanks Freya

Such a good point. I've been thinking of 'normal' and 'healthy' as interchangeable and they aren't. Speaking as someone who joined SR to deal with acoa issues, rather than addiction of my own, I see myself as not normal in the sense that I don't feel I fit in with others or understand where they're coming from. I didn't grow up with normal in the healthy sense so I don't know what goes on inside people who did.

You're absolutely right about the word though and I've definitely been muddling it. 'Normal' can have a lot of negative connotations - to me normal means conventional, which can be boring, rigid and even intolerant, even if the person's healthy. For that matter, AF is 'normal' on the outside in many ways - it doesn't make him healthy on the inside.

Ok, I'm not entirely healthy and I want to be. I'm not 'normal' either (especially for a job like mine) and that adds to my sense of isolation but the ways I don't fit in that sense aren't necessarily bad - healthy friends do appreciate things like my sense of humour, music tastes & hobbies. I know deep down that I don't really want to change those things to 'fit in' with people who I wouldn't actually choose for friends but my insecurities constantly make me doubt myself and I want them to like me, even if I'm not that keen on them!

So, yeah, 'normal' isn't necessarily best. Healthy, now that's a whole different thing. My goal? I need to keep the two things separate. Keep my healthy abnormalities and through becoming healthy overall, learn to love them!

Thanks again - a very timely reminder.

sarahmills

Getting treated from addiction would sound more appropriate. The important thing here though is that you are no longer a slave or victim to addiction.