RayRayRay

I thought I was already in recovery. Now after a month of stupidity, it feels like I have to start all over. Was I missing something?

I know there's talk of a God-sized hole when one gives up their DOC....But what I feel isn't lacking in spirituality. I don't have a god but I have meditation and peace. I have (because of my commitment to my sobriety) found happiness. I have new hobbies and routines. I lead a full and wonderful life.

So why did I feel the need to risk it? It can't just be boredom...Or sabatoge....Can it?

What did you do to fill the space that your addiction created?

yeahgr8

Personally i have not got a space as it was all **** anyway and i could not be more grateful that i am free of it. Do you have a support program in place at all like AA, counselling, Lifering etc? You are definitely missing something if you have drunk again.

Hope you fidn some help here:-)

coffeenut

I'm not sure I understand your post Ray. I do know that early sobriety is tough. Finding enough tools to battle the demon with is rough, too.

I wish you the very best. You may want to put this on newcomers, more people may see it who can help better than I have.

RayRayRay

Sorry if I was unclear....I am fairly confused at this point.

I have over two years of sobriety and threw it all away in an experiment in drinking in moderation. In less than one month of "controlled"drinking in nearly lost all that I gained in those two years.

I don't understand why I let myself fall. I was so dedicated to my recovery, I figure that I must be missing something to be able to slip up so badly.

Today I began recovery again at the beginning. Maybe whatever I missed the first time around will dawn on me this time!

exzim

After one of my slips an oldtimer suggested to me that maybe I hadn't fully accepted that I was an alcoholic. He also said that perhaps I had not reached my "bottom". Which infuriated me as I was working the steps, had a home group, had a sponsor etc.

However for me I think he was right, I had to reach a stage where I would do ANTHING to not go back to drinking.

I think the oldtimer was asking me "how badly do you want sobriety?"

Good luck.


Maggie

coffeenut

Thank you for your post....and clarification. I think we need to know more about the person who has a Lengthy sobriety, but can still fall.....but can then recognize it right away and get sober quick.

I'm so glad you're 'back'!

Kallista

You weren't convinced. You should be more convinced now. A slip is never a good idea, but maybe you can try to learn something from it.

Wolfchild

'"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themeselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themeselves."'- Big Book,chapter 5

You drank because you wanted to. You claim to have been committed to this way of living, but that apparently wasn't good enough for you. You weren't getting what you wanted when you wanted it and threw a temper tantrum.

Anyone who has ever complety surrendered to the spiritual principles found in the twelve steps and twelve traditions has never returned to their former ways! They are living examples that this program of recovery is proving itself in on a daily basis. Those that have died sober, died with dignity and honor. They paved the way so we could follow in their footsteps and do what they did to stay clean & sober.

For 1,125 days i have not entertained the thought of drinking or drugging. i know from very hard won experience that to dwell on thoughts of using is to risk them becoming obsessions. For me, obsessions turn to compulsions. Total abstinence is the only way of life that has ever worked for me in my 44+ years of existence on this Earth.

Maybe your the rare exception to this spiritualy based program of recovery that has probably been around longer than you have been alive?

sfgirl

I don't know. I wonder if it is even that complicated. Could it be that you just drank again because you are an alcoholic and you wanted to? I don't know. I am not as far along as you were but part of me wonders if something has to be wrong with your program necessarily for you to relapse. Maybe it was simple: you wanted alcohol because you are an addict. You never had quite accepted the powerlessness completely so you decided to have a go....I don't know though, just a different way to think about it...

lunarise

Well...in my opinion... you drank because you wanted to. You obviously thought that you could manage it, you couldnt, now you know. I really think that some people have to test theories for themselves, including moderation. That can be very dangerous, I am really glad that youre back here with us :ghug3 I cant say much about how bad that is because I have that type of personality, I need to experience some things for them to be real to me. Obviously not all things. Ya know there could be a deep seeded reason for you drinking...that something is missing etc etc or maybe because you like alcohol you thought you would give moderation a try. Either way, there was a lesson learned, YEAH for you. I dont know about you but I love opportunities to grow, I think this one may be one for you....Take care of you, I wish you the best..use your new found knowledge
Peace
Jaclyn

Dime

Hi Ray,

For me I used AA and once you work the steps it becomes a way of life. Step 12, helping others really keeps my thinking straight. I get constant reminders of what alcohol does to alcoholics and what happens if they try to drink in moderation. I also visit the detox hospital twice a week, seeing the patients keeps the memory fresh in my mind of how bad it was. I only hang with sober people, keep up with meetings etc. All of these activities keeps my brain fed that I cannot ever drink again.

Whatever you higher power beliefs are I respect. I went into AA spiritually empty and came out with strong spiritual beliefs that give me strength.

All that being said I realize how vulnerable I really am to alcohol. We can't let our guard down or it comes back with a vengeance!

Please keep posting and let us know how you doing!!

mikefreak

My two cents: deep down inside, do you still have reservations about giving up alcohol? That was my problem: I still associated booze with having a "good time" for what seemed to be forever. Basically, I had to look at alcohol like a friend I had known for 33 years who I couldn't STAND anymore & didn't want to ever see again. May sound strange, but so far, it has worked for me.......Any port in a storm....