Alcoholic in love with a drinker

Old 11-19-2008, 10:38 PM
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Question Alcoholic in love with a drinker

Hi all,

I am brand-spanking new here. I won't go in to detail about my history right now -- I will share in another thread -- but I have a simple, yet serious question: Can a recovering alcoholic be with a drinker?

I adore my common law --we very much love each other -- this has been proven time after time when I have gone over the edge with drink. However, we both know that our drinking styles are different; he can have a few beers after work but give me the same beer and I will/won't/can't stop at three. if this was the case, I would become irritable, resentful, and feeling only half full...so to speak. A

I know I have a problem, he knows I have a problem, and I am going to try my best to end my drinking career! I am concerned over the fact he will remain a drinker. Can I still help myself and be around someone who drinks?
Have any of you been in this situation?

I would appreciate all the feedback you can give me, be it harsh, blunt, or inspiring. I DO NOT want to give up my relationship with my love, but I need to hear your stories and opinions, and experience to better enable me to start this journey.:praying
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Old 11-19-2008, 11:53 PM
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Welcome to SR...

I do have a few AA friends who live with a drinker.
They attend Al anon meetings regularly to deal with this issue.

They also stay commected to AA..for their sobriety.

Hope the two of you find answers ..
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Old 11-20-2008, 01:46 AM
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In my experience recovery isn't conditional, what I mean by that is it is my experience that my recovery wasn't dependent on "conditions" I got sober with a girl that drank and I remained a bartender.

One thing that did change was me however, after some time I found both of them became fairly tedious.
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Old 11-20-2008, 07:47 AM
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My partner is a recovering alcoholic and I am a "drinker" LOL!!!! Not much of a drinker, probably, by the standards of most other people around here, but I do have a drink occasionally. We've been together for over 12 years....the only thing I have to consider when it comes to deciding if I'm going to have a drink in any given situation is whether or not I'm gonna want to kiss her within the next few hours, because the smell of alcohol does bother her.

My partner was sober when I met her, so that probably makes our situation a little easier, but, ultimately, the truth is that her recovery does not and cannot safely and healthily depend on what I do related to drinking or anything esle, just like my own recovery as an Al Anon cannot depend on whether or not she drinks, is dry, or is sober.

I guess, the most important thing I can really say to you is that your own recovery must always come first because, without that, everything else is at risk. And your own recovery must came one day at a time -- which means that worrying about how it might or might not effect your relationship at some point in the future and trying to control that is probably not a really helpful use of your time and energy. One of the things that I find to be really helpful in working my program and keeping myself out of futurizing and catastrophizing is just to remind myself that, if I take care of myself and work my recovery by doing the next right thing one day (or hour, or minute or second) at a time, whatever the future brings is surely going to be better than what it will bring if I don't.

Good luck -- freya
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Old 11-20-2008, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by bloodshoteyes View Post

Can a recovering alcoholic be with a drinker? ...

I adore my common law --we very much love each other ...

Can I still help myself and be around someone who drinks? ...

Have any of you been in this situation? ...
Hi Bloodshoteyes

I am married, happily, to my (non alcoholic drinker - one white wine spritzer a night) soulmate for 24 years, four kids. I went into rehab Sept 14th and came home Nov. 6th. I drank to excess everyday for years and also was addicted to stimulants and sleeping pills. Until the last couple of years many a pleasant night was spent together with a drink or two (well, for me, four or more), snuggled on the couch or in front of the fire. Good music, candles, well you get the picture...

Now I don't drink, can't drink. I have to stay sober to save my life, to save my wonderful marriage and family, and to keep my career.

We are finding our way, but so many things are not easy. I am in early recovery and all of my energy, thoughts, time is spent on my recovery, ie, on myself. Our alone times, presently, whether intimate or just snuggling on the couch, are so important to us, with all the sh*& we are having to deal with. But to be honest, when she pours her drink, my stomach knots up, I get into a little self pity and feel like the bad boy who can't do what grown ups can...

That just sucks... And can ruin the night for me if I am not spiritually fit and comfortable in my sobriety at that moment. So I have to work at it, and I am not always successful.

I am working my way through this. But I won't lie, it's hard. But it's worth it. I love her sooo much and she loves me. I wish she'd give me a night or two when she doesn't pour a glass, maybe that time will come. Maybe the time will come where her drink has the same impact on my psyche as a glass of coke... One day at a time !!

There is no way I am going to lose this wonderful relationship over this. I am going to AA meetings, 90 in 90 !! It helps. I talk to my temporary sponsor, read and post here on SR, pray and meditate.

Also, very important, I am learning to give her space, respect her boundaries and remember, always, how much I love her. She has lots of work to do to adjust to our new dance and I can't do it for her. I can only work on learning my own new steps in this exciting new phase of our journey together.

I'm glad you posted, hope my experience helps in any small way...

Mark
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Old 11-20-2008, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by bloodshoteyes View Post
Hi all,

Can a recovering alcoholic be with a drinker?
A couple of my sponsors had wives that drank "occasionally" but they were very cautious about when and where they drank so as not to cause any resentments.
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:37 PM
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I think you all have good points --It's a personal struggle and ultimately, success will pretty much depend on me...I guess. I'm really glad to hear these positive changes you have accomplished while still maintaining a balanced relationship. My Hubb doesn't bring alcohol in to the house very often...never really. He drinks at his friends after work (a few) and then comes home to me.

last night he didn't know that I was trying to quit and asked me if I wanted to go out. We ended up on the couch with food and a movie...it was nice.

Cubile, it sounds like your love transcends this issue -- almost -- and I'm really glad to hear your wife can still enjoy her drink. I don't think we can expect anyone to change their lifestyle to accommodate us; We have the choice. It's our choice, not theirs. however, a little understanding and compromise helps!

Thank you all
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Old 01-03-2009, 09:07 AM
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Hi bloodshot,

First of all, kudos on making the decision to stop drinking. it is the best one you will ever make. I am an alcoholic who is also living with a social drinker. When I came home from treatment in September, he had gotten all the booze out of the house and did not drink in front of me anymore. He went out with his friends if he wanted to drink, but he respected that I could not handle being around it for a couple of months. Now I am okay with him drinking a glass or two in front of me, but only after being sober about 6-7 months. We still don't keep it in the house, he is very respectful of that.

If your SO is a 'social drinker,' he will have no problem stopping drinking in front of you. I would think it would be nearly impossible to get sober while someone you live with is still drinking. like I said, I was sober 6-7 months before ANYONE drank in front of me.

your sobriety is the most important thing because if you don't have it, you will eventually lose everything. I know it is hard to put sobriety in front of a relationship, but your relationship won't be any good if you are an active alcoholic.

My advise: ask him to stop drinking at home around you and see what he says. If he refuses, he doesn't really care about you ro your sobriety and you need to rethink the relationship.

Also, start going to AA, you will meet the coolest people who know what you're going through, won't judge you and will give you honest input.

I wish you the best.

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