How do you learn to appreciate recovery?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
How do you learn to appreciate recovery?
I have often looked at this forum and always just pass it by.
I dont know why.
I know there is so much more to recovery than just putting the stuff down.
I know this.
But after awhile it seems that I become bitter.
Like I need some kind of release.
I believe that I cant hold onto recovery because I really dont do anyhting more than just put it down.
I try to live on like it never happened. And it just isnt working.
I dont want to be just as obsessed with recovery as I am with the drugs.
And lately I have been ungrateful for this millionth chance at living a better life.
I dont know if I think I dont deserve it. I dont really want it. Or maybe I just dont know anything about it really.
I have been an addict since the age of 12. Now I am 33 and living a "normal" life seems so hard.
I am not just interested in the struggles of active addiction and the struggle of putting it down.
I need to know how to keep it.
My attitude is unacceptable. I dont seem happy with anyhting.
I am very lucky and should be grateful for everything I have.
But my spoiled brat mind is pouting because I am not living like I feel I should be.
I am ready to admit that.
And that is hard. I want what I want and I want it now kinda thing.
I know..I am pitiful.
Alot of people..Whom I know dont even come close to the chances I have had.
I make myself ashamed.
But at the same time..I cant help how I feel. And I cant pretend I dont feel like this. That will solve nothing.
So please dont think too bad of me for being this way.
I really want to know how to humble myself. How to appreciate the simple things. How do all of you embrace your recovery instead of resenting it.
I am tired of feeling and thinking this way.
So yes..I am ready to know...What is recovery?
I dont know why.
I know there is so much more to recovery than just putting the stuff down.
I know this.
But after awhile it seems that I become bitter.
Like I need some kind of release.
I believe that I cant hold onto recovery because I really dont do anyhting more than just put it down.
I try to live on like it never happened. And it just isnt working.
I dont want to be just as obsessed with recovery as I am with the drugs.
And lately I have been ungrateful for this millionth chance at living a better life.
I dont know if I think I dont deserve it. I dont really want it. Or maybe I just dont know anything about it really.
I have been an addict since the age of 12. Now I am 33 and living a "normal" life seems so hard.
I am not just interested in the struggles of active addiction and the struggle of putting it down.
I need to know how to keep it.
My attitude is unacceptable. I dont seem happy with anyhting.
I am very lucky and should be grateful for everything I have.
But my spoiled brat mind is pouting because I am not living like I feel I should be.
I am ready to admit that.
And that is hard. I want what I want and I want it now kinda thing.
I know..I am pitiful.
Alot of people..Whom I know dont even come close to the chances I have had.
I make myself ashamed.
But at the same time..I cant help how I feel. And I cant pretend I dont feel like this. That will solve nothing.
So please dont think too bad of me for being this way.
I really want to know how to humble myself. How to appreciate the simple things. How do all of you embrace your recovery instead of resenting it.
I am tired of feeling and thinking this way.
So yes..I am ready to know...What is recovery?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
I found, for me, that a 12 step approach was the only way that I could actually "recover". I put it down, but every day was a struggle, and like you , I was still thinking in a muddled fashion.
I got myself a Sponser, and attended ( still do ) meetings with an open mind.
For me, there was no other choice , I was sick and tired of the struggle .
I just did what i was told, and eventually my thinking changed, until my 'default " setting became a hopeful one, instead of despair .
Just what worked for me . I had 5 years continual Happy sobriety last week
HUGX
Leigh
I got myself a Sponser, and attended ( still do ) meetings with an open mind.
For me, there was no other choice , I was sick and tired of the struggle .
I just did what i was told, and eventually my thinking changed, until my 'default " setting became a hopeful one, instead of despair .
Just what worked for me . I had 5 years continual Happy sobriety last week
HUGX
Leigh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 5
How do you learn to appreciate recovery?
This was my experience at about a year sober--taking my mom for a routine visit to her Dr and getting some routine tests revealed a spot on her lung that diagnosed as small cell lung cancer. From that point on, I learned more life lessons at such a fast pace then I ever believed possible and I learned that I needed to depend on myself clean and sober rather than the old me who would drink to escape what was going on.
This was probably one of the scariest times in my life thus far, but I am grateful for it and, believe me, I was truly grateful that I had my act cleaned up. Caring for another person, making some difficult decisions, and learning to pray again were things I would never have been able to do drunk or high.
I think the whole humility thing comes from your life experiences and people you meet along the way. There are no classes to sign up for that I know of. The bravest and most humble folks I've ever met are the ones in the chemo rooms. They are fighting for their lives, but they're encouraging one another and even laughing and smiling.
There is no specific point where you wake up and dance around the room and say--"wowee--I'm sober and happy and grateful for it." It just happens and it usually involves a little poke from God.
This was my experience at about a year sober--taking my mom for a routine visit to her Dr and getting some routine tests revealed a spot on her lung that diagnosed as small cell lung cancer. From that point on, I learned more life lessons at such a fast pace then I ever believed possible and I learned that I needed to depend on myself clean and sober rather than the old me who would drink to escape what was going on.
This was probably one of the scariest times in my life thus far, but I am grateful for it and, believe me, I was truly grateful that I had my act cleaned up. Caring for another person, making some difficult decisions, and learning to pray again were things I would never have been able to do drunk or high.
I think the whole humility thing comes from your life experiences and people you meet along the way. There are no classes to sign up for that I know of. The bravest and most humble folks I've ever met are the ones in the chemo rooms. They are fighting for their lives, but they're encouraging one another and even laughing and smiling.
There is no specific point where you wake up and dance around the room and say--"wowee--I'm sober and happy and grateful for it." It just happens and it usually involves a little poke from God.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I know that I was angry, bitter and just not happy with life when I first got clean. After I relapsed, and realized how close I had come to losing my life (an idiot crackhead was driving my car like a maniac...and I let him) or getting put in prison, I realized I'd better appreciate life.
I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who taught me to believe I could do anything I set my mind to. My mom had an awesome outlook on life, because she had an illness that was supposed to kill her long before the age of 50, when she did die.
I've struggled with the money issues, job issues, legal issues, etc. I finally made myself look for something good in every situation. I had to TELL myself "even though I hate my job, I am grateful I have one". Does it work right away? Nope. I've been telling myself that every day for a long time. Then I read a post here, of someone out of work, and desperately looking for a job and it kinda sinks in.
I got involved on SR and it got me out of myself.
I couldn't even remember what I used to like doing. After seeing some pictures Ann posted here, I remembered how much I loved taking pictures. I got a camera for Christmas and absolutely love it. I'm not a photographer, by any means, but I look for things that make me smile and take pictures of it.
I have a friend I met here, and we e-mail all the time. Sometimes it's about recovery, but most of the time it's just about life stuff.
I have always been one to talk to people and I've met a lot of intersting people. Will never see most of them again, but it's fun just chatting and getting to know someone else.
If all else fails, I remind myself that I survived a crack addiction and there's no way in he!! I'm going to let my consequences destroy me. When one thing doesn't work, I try something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know that I was angry, bitter and just not happy with life when I first got clean. After I relapsed, and realized how close I had come to losing my life (an idiot crackhead was driving my car like a maniac...and I let him) or getting put in prison, I realized I'd better appreciate life.
I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who taught me to believe I could do anything I set my mind to. My mom had an awesome outlook on life, because she had an illness that was supposed to kill her long before the age of 50, when she did die.
I've struggled with the money issues, job issues, legal issues, etc. I finally made myself look for something good in every situation. I had to TELL myself "even though I hate my job, I am grateful I have one". Does it work right away? Nope. I've been telling myself that every day for a long time. Then I read a post here, of someone out of work, and desperately looking for a job and it kinda sinks in.
I got involved on SR and it got me out of myself.
I couldn't even remember what I used to like doing. After seeing some pictures Ann posted here, I remembered how much I loved taking pictures. I got a camera for Christmas and absolutely love it. I'm not a photographer, by any means, but I look for things that make me smile and take pictures of it.
I have a friend I met here, and we e-mail all the time. Sometimes it's about recovery, but most of the time it's just about life stuff.
I have always been one to talk to people and I've met a lot of intersting people. Will never see most of them again, but it's fun just chatting and getting to know someone else.
If all else fails, I remind myself that I survived a crack addiction and there's no way in he!! I'm going to let my consequences destroy me. When one thing doesn't work, I try something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I see my grams everyday getting older. This woman is my whole world.
I seriously can not even imagine life without her.
But she is 70 now and not as tough as she has been all my life.
I look at the wrinkles. I look at her eyes. And I sink.
Her memory is going a little. And I hate myself for the life I have led.
She is the only one who stood by me unconditionally.
She always believes I can and will make it.
So why I dont I believe it?
Sometimes I think I will lose it when she's gone. I know thats not what she wants. And I dont either. But I am sinking back into that pregrieving thing again. Only because I am being lazy.
I am letting the what if and coulda shoulda wouldas rule my mind again.
If she were to get sick. I dont know if I could deal with it properly.
I already know by how I am treated in a nonchalant way from my family. That they know I am not responsible enough to handle any serious anything right now.
I feel like such a kid.
I often feel like I dont meet their maturity or responsibility level.
And the truth is. I dont.
Its scary.
I just dont want to be miserable. Its like using I am miserable and not using is no different with absolutely zero relief.
I need to stop being a baby and step up and start acting like an adult.
'I know this already.
But I hate being unhappy with myself.
And it really makes me angry that I am complaining about the most petty things.
Things alot of people would kill for.
Why am I like that?
I know what I should be doing..So why cant I?
I disgust myself.
I really do.
I have alot of work to do. On myself. The drugs are really just a tiny part of it.
I make myself sick. If I were someone else looking at me..I would think what a stupid B****.
And I cant get mad at that.
I am seriously going to try and go to meetings. If only once a week. I gotta do something.
And you guys are right.
Tomorrow..No matter how much I hate getting up early and going to this job I really dont like. I am going to tell myself how lucky I better be that I do have a job. And mostly that I am able to work.
I had everything handed to me my whole life.
I dont want to be like this the rest of my life.
An ungrateful spoiled brat.
Those days have been long gone for a long time.
I need to quit actin like a child and start doing soemthing about it.
I am so dam lucky to have what I have. The family I have.
There are people who wont ever be where I am. And never even did a fraction of the dumbass things I have done.
I need to humble my heart in a big way.
Thanks for goin easy on me.
And most of all..thanks for telling me what I needed to hear.
I seriously can not even imagine life without her.
But she is 70 now and not as tough as she has been all my life.
I look at the wrinkles. I look at her eyes. And I sink.
Her memory is going a little. And I hate myself for the life I have led.
She is the only one who stood by me unconditionally.
She always believes I can and will make it.
So why I dont I believe it?
Sometimes I think I will lose it when she's gone. I know thats not what she wants. And I dont either. But I am sinking back into that pregrieving thing again. Only because I am being lazy.
I am letting the what if and coulda shoulda wouldas rule my mind again.
If she were to get sick. I dont know if I could deal with it properly.
I already know by how I am treated in a nonchalant way from my family. That they know I am not responsible enough to handle any serious anything right now.
I feel like such a kid.
I often feel like I dont meet their maturity or responsibility level.
And the truth is. I dont.
Its scary.
I just dont want to be miserable. Its like using I am miserable and not using is no different with absolutely zero relief.
I need to stop being a baby and step up and start acting like an adult.
'I know this already.
But I hate being unhappy with myself.
And it really makes me angry that I am complaining about the most petty things.
Things alot of people would kill for.
Why am I like that?
I know what I should be doing..So why cant I?
I disgust myself.
I really do.
I have alot of work to do. On myself. The drugs are really just a tiny part of it.
I make myself sick. If I were someone else looking at me..I would think what a stupid B****.
And I cant get mad at that.
I am seriously going to try and go to meetings. If only once a week. I gotta do something.
And you guys are right.
Tomorrow..No matter how much I hate getting up early and going to this job I really dont like. I am going to tell myself how lucky I better be that I do have a job. And mostly that I am able to work.
I had everything handed to me my whole life.
I dont want to be like this the rest of my life.
An ungrateful spoiled brat.
Those days have been long gone for a long time.
I need to quit actin like a child and start doing soemthing about it.
I am so dam lucky to have what I have. The family I have.
There are people who wont ever be where I am. And never even did a fraction of the dumbass things I have done.
I need to humble my heart in a big way.
Thanks for goin easy on me.
And most of all..thanks for telling me what I needed to hear.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I understand about your grams. My dad is 69, is now being evaluated for decreased kidney function and I went into a tailspin on what I will do when he's gone. I honestly thought I would die without my mom, but I didn't (WANTED to, but I didn't).
I'm glad you're going to try the grateful thing. I had to FORCE myself to say "I'm grateful for....food, a roof over my head, clothes to wear, etc."..just basic stuff, 'cause when I was on the streets, I didn't have any of that.
I also see homeless people every day and it keeps me grateful. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't FEEL grateful at first. Like I said, it takes a while to sink in. Just try to say "thank you" to HP for simple things throughout the day. Heck, I had to say it through clenched teeth some times Eventually, you will FEEL grateful and life gets a whole lot better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I understand about your grams. My dad is 69, is now being evaluated for decreased kidney function and I went into a tailspin on what I will do when he's gone. I honestly thought I would die without my mom, but I didn't (WANTED to, but I didn't).
I'm glad you're going to try the grateful thing. I had to FORCE myself to say "I'm grateful for....food, a roof over my head, clothes to wear, etc."..just basic stuff, 'cause when I was on the streets, I didn't have any of that.
I also see homeless people every day and it keeps me grateful. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't FEEL grateful at first. Like I said, it takes a while to sink in. Just try to say "thank you" to HP for simple things throughout the day. Heck, I had to say it through clenched teeth some times
Eventually, you will FEEL grateful and life gets a whole lot better.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: NY State
Posts: 114
Chiynita...:ghug
Your posts are so sad, and you are beating yourself up....so put the bat down and say out loud...."I am agracious and deserving woman who deserves to be clean and sober". In my opinion you should try to let go of all the negativity and stay in the day....Here is a meditation that helps me let go of tough things, that I think I found here.
"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."
- Ernest Holmes
Your posts are so sad, and you are beating yourself up....so put the bat down and say out loud...."I am agracious and deserving woman who deserves to be clean and sober". In my opinion you should try to let go of all the negativity and stay in the day....Here is a meditation that helps me let go of tough things, that I think I found here.
"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."
- Ernest Holmes
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by chiynita 
...What is recovery?
Take a look at some of these 9th step promises and see if they are something that is better than drinking;
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by chiynita
How do all of you embrace your recovery instead of resenting it.
Meetings, the 12 steps, and chasing my recovery like I chased the drugs.
For me, at least right now, I HAVE to be obsessed about my recovery, or it won't happen.
:ghug3
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
I've come to appreciate recovery at random times.
Maybe a certain song, a moment alone, a time or a place, just the realization of what I've accomplished already by making the decision to get clean. A conversation with a neighbor I might not normally have had in the past, helping someone who needs help, a smell in the air, the taste of food, the knowledge that I'm living now for the sake of life itself. Feeling feelings, thinking thoughts, being true to myself.
I don't always feel the appreciation but I know it's always there if I need it and just a few thoughts away.
It also helps that the only person who made this decision for me, is me.
Maybe a certain song, a moment alone, a time or a place, just the realization of what I've accomplished already by making the decision to get clean. A conversation with a neighbor I might not normally have had in the past, helping someone who needs help, a smell in the air, the taste of food, the knowledge that I'm living now for the sake of life itself. Feeling feelings, thinking thoughts, being true to myself.
I don't always feel the appreciation but I know it's always there if I need it and just a few thoughts away.
It also helps that the only person who made this decision for me, is me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BRONX
Posts: 19
chiynita, i hope you are well. are you active in the fellowship? i had to make changes in order to stay clean and learn to love recovery. mostly i had to keep showing up to meetings, the beginning was hard, my life was ruined and so, so, many insequirities. but just showing up to meetings, making a few friends, and staying clean, i started to feel better.
the saying it works if you work it is real. and so is if i do what i always did i will get what i always got. hang in there:ghug2
the saying it works if you work it is real. and so is if i do what i always did i will get what i always got. hang in there:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 20
A grateful alcoholic
You know, people in my AA groups would introduce themselves as a "grateful recovering alcoholic". Used to drive me insane. Although I never really had trouble seeing what I am grateful for, being an alcoholic was certainly not one of them!!
Until about a week ago. I was reflecting on how much my life has changed and how much I had "given" away due to my alcoholism. The trust of my family. The loss of both of my children. The ending of a 7 year relationship with my soulmate, the most wonderful man I have ever had the priveledge of having in my life. and boy did I really rip him through the mud. Another story for later, but I got pregnant with another man's baby and he accepted it wholly and with love. I totally blew it!! I had it made. I had a good job and people that truly cared about me. I was really feeling down.
Then I really had to reflect on all that has happened since getting sober.
I really am grateful for all of my blessings that I have received since getting sober. My family trusts me again. My oldest daughter has been legally returned to me. My baby's father and I have come to a legal agreement on temporary orders for joint legal/physical custody with the intention of her returning to me fully when I can show him some more time. I went from supervised to unsupervised visits. My soulmate and I are not back together, but we are at least talking and that is certainly a start. I struggle with patience, but had it all summed up during yesterdays' 24 hour book:
Meditation for the Day
There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.
I am working on that one.
However, I am finally grateful for being an alcoholic, because without all the hard times, without every single relapse, without all my "give aways" or losses, I would never have gotten really serious about my recovery and been so motivated and positive. I appreciate all things in my life now, and have met people along the way that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing. I have also seen how so many may have more trouble than me finding things to be grateful for. In my journey I have met people who have been raped, stabbed, beaten,hungry, homeless, people who have had to sell themselves for drugs, oh jeez so much more than I ever went through, and I certainly don't care to either. It doesn't minimize my pain or my recovery, but it certainly puts it in perspective
I am certainly a grateful recoverying alcoholic! I have endured my own pain and suffering and have been given the opportunity to come out the other side, a much stronger and wiser woman. I also know I never need to go back to that dark and awful place again.
Keep plugging along, write a gratitude list every day, and someday, you will appreciate you own recovery. Be Patient.
Good luck
:praying
Until about a week ago. I was reflecting on how much my life has changed and how much I had "given" away due to my alcoholism. The trust of my family. The loss of both of my children. The ending of a 7 year relationship with my soulmate, the most wonderful man I have ever had the priveledge of having in my life. and boy did I really rip him through the mud. Another story for later, but I got pregnant with another man's baby and he accepted it wholly and with love. I totally blew it!! I had it made. I had a good job and people that truly cared about me. I was really feeling down.
Then I really had to reflect on all that has happened since getting sober.
I really am grateful for all of my blessings that I have received since getting sober. My family trusts me again. My oldest daughter has been legally returned to me. My baby's father and I have come to a legal agreement on temporary orders for joint legal/physical custody with the intention of her returning to me fully when I can show him some more time. I went from supervised to unsupervised visits. My soulmate and I are not back together, but we are at least talking and that is certainly a start. I struggle with patience, but had it all summed up during yesterdays' 24 hour book:
Meditation for the Day
There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.
I am working on that one.
However, I am finally grateful for being an alcoholic, because without all the hard times, without every single relapse, without all my "give aways" or losses, I would never have gotten really serious about my recovery and been so motivated and positive. I appreciate all things in my life now, and have met people along the way that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing. I have also seen how so many may have more trouble than me finding things to be grateful for. In my journey I have met people who have been raped, stabbed, beaten,hungry, homeless, people who have had to sell themselves for drugs, oh jeez so much more than I ever went through, and I certainly don't care to either. It doesn't minimize my pain or my recovery, but it certainly puts it in perspective
I am certainly a grateful recoverying alcoholic! I have endured my own pain and suffering and have been given the opportunity to come out the other side, a much stronger and wiser woman. I also know I never need to go back to that dark and awful place again.
Keep plugging along, write a gratitude list every day, and someday, you will appreciate you own recovery. Be Patient.
Good luck
:praying
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 106
Hey Chiynita. I completely understand all of the pain in your post, and I am going through a lot of the same stuff. Quitting drinking or drugs is just the first step. It's not like once you quit everything is just wonderful and life will be great and all our problems will be over. But without that step, none of us will be able to move on to bigger and better things.
I think that the depression that I've gone through recently has been as much about all of the stupid crap I've been going through as it is at the thought of giving up alcohol and having to be responsible for a healthy happy life. I'm scared. What if I'm no good at happy? I have to re-learn so many behaviors, and that's really scary. I keep thinking of the Seinfeld episode where George decides to do the opposite of everything that he usually does, and his life goes great. I think sometimes that I just need to do the opposite of what the warped part of my mind tells me to do and maybe I'll learn something good about myself!!
I would suggest that you start doing something that you love to do that you're good at (besides getting high
). Find something, anything to give you the confidence boost that you need right now. Personally, I gravitate towards sports, but I know not everyone is into that. Although, if you have any inclination towards rock-climbing, I would absolutely suggest that you do it. It is such an amazingly wonderful sport and the people I have met through climbing are super cool and inspirational. I suffer from an intense fear of heights, but I've climbed thousand foot cliffs. Although, I think what I love about it is the social aspect. Really cool people in really cool places.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I thought to myself the other day--how would my life be different if, instead of beating myself all the time and thinking people automatically think I'm a loser, if I automatically assumed that they all thought I was great? I'm going to try to live up to that.
I think that the depression that I've gone through recently has been as much about all of the stupid crap I've been going through as it is at the thought of giving up alcohol and having to be responsible for a healthy happy life. I'm scared. What if I'm no good at happy? I have to re-learn so many behaviors, and that's really scary. I keep thinking of the Seinfeld episode where George decides to do the opposite of everything that he usually does, and his life goes great. I think sometimes that I just need to do the opposite of what the warped part of my mind tells me to do and maybe I'll learn something good about myself!!
I would suggest that you start doing something that you love to do that you're good at (besides getting high
). Find something, anything to give you the confidence boost that you need right now. Personally, I gravitate towards sports, but I know not everyone is into that. Although, if you have any inclination towards rock-climbing, I would absolutely suggest that you do it. It is such an amazingly wonderful sport and the people I have met through climbing are super cool and inspirational. I suffer from an intense fear of heights, but I've climbed thousand foot cliffs. Although, I think what I love about it is the social aspect. Really cool people in really cool places. Don't be so hard on yourself. I thought to myself the other day--how would my life be different if, instead of beating myself all the time and thinking people automatically think I'm a loser, if I automatically assumed that they all thought I was great? I'm going to try to live up to that.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I haven't been here for a few weeks now. This morning is the first time I've had to even log on for several weeks. As many of you know, I moved my Mom in with me in mid September. She was in an Assisted Living Facility and when we had a severe wind storm here that left about 90% of the state without any electricity or phone lines for several days, I went to check on her the next day and was horrified to find out that they had no back up generator, nothing. My 69 year old, disabled Mother who can barely walk with her walker had been moving around in the complete darkness for nearly a day when I got there. She was sick and within 4 days she was in the hospital. Her diabetes was out of control, she had a urinary track infection that had been left basically untreated to the point that her kidneys began to shut down and this all caused her Congestive Heart Failure to get worse. Thankfully she pulled through but the Dr's stated the obvious, the facility was not meeting her medical needs and she needed more, round the clock one on one care. The only obvious option to everyone in the family was a nursing home. But not me. When I told the family that I wanted her to come and stay with me, they thought I was crazy. Mom is a handful, but it's more of an emotional handful. Her medical needs are nothing that I can't handle but she is a very anxious, nervous person who finds the worst in every situation. I can tell her that it's a beautiful day outside and her response is, "Maybe it is, but it won't last forever."
When I logged on, I saw that I had two PM's waiting . . . one from you Trish. I thank you for the kind words.
Regarding your feelings about Grams aging. I look at my Mom and it can overwhelm me, knowing that she won't be here on this earth for much longer. Her Dr. told me about six months is about all of the time she has left, her heart is getting too weak. But instead of grieving now, I have to look at this as another Blessing that God has given me. I am able to give back, make amends to the one person who, like your Grams, never gave up on me. Since the age of 11 when I first picked up and for the next 32 years that I used, I put my Mom through a living hell. Now, I have the opportunity to give her the love, caring and attention that she needs. When her health got bad several years ago, she had always begged me to never put her in a nursing home . . . and I won't. If it gets to the point that I can't give her the proper care, then I will have to. I have done a great deal of online research and made many calls that have resulted in having nurses out, physical therapists, person care givers to help me a few hours a week and also Respite Care is available for when I have to go somewhere or need a break myself. I am giving my Mom much more than just the necessary medical care. I give her a manicure once a week, keep her nails polished like she did herself years ago. I have found an agency where she and I, as her caregiver, are entitled to free transportation to and from medical and non medical places. I even took her to WalMart, in her wheelchair, on the local public bus system last Saturday. Mom hadn't been anywhere but her Dr. appts. and in and out of the hospital in over a year. Her body may be shriveling up, but I won't let her spirits. I try to get her outside each day that the weather is permitting. She doesn't need to live the remainder of her life in a bed or recliner.
Trish, are you ready to make a committment to getting to meetings several times a week? I know you have been skating around the issue for many months but like so many people have said, I am a firm believer that either AA or NA, working the Steps and the Fellowship of the people involved are what it took for me to find happiness and let go of the past. I carried so much garbage of my past that I felt like I was being weighed down by an industrial dumpster. I needed help in emptying it out and finally letting it go.
I had to throw myself into my Recovery as much, if not more, than I threw myself into my addiction. It took time for those feelings to build up so they aren't going to go away in a few months. It takes time, it takes work and it takes a lot of honesty and open mindedness. But it is so worth it.
Now, as someone so wisely said, put down the baseball bat, stop beating yourself up and go to a Meeting today! Not one day this week, today. We never scheduled our using now, did we? We never put it off until a better day.
I have all the Faith in the world in you that you can find happiness. Maybe you need to believe it yourself! You are worth the effort. Your Recovery can be a Blessing and there can be so much gratitude in your life.
Love and Hugs
Judy
When I logged on, I saw that I had two PM's waiting . . . one from you Trish. I thank you for the kind words.
Regarding your feelings about Grams aging. I look at my Mom and it can overwhelm me, knowing that she won't be here on this earth for much longer. Her Dr. told me about six months is about all of the time she has left, her heart is getting too weak. But instead of grieving now, I have to look at this as another Blessing that God has given me. I am able to give back, make amends to the one person who, like your Grams, never gave up on me. Since the age of 11 when I first picked up and for the next 32 years that I used, I put my Mom through a living hell. Now, I have the opportunity to give her the love, caring and attention that she needs. When her health got bad several years ago, she had always begged me to never put her in a nursing home . . . and I won't. If it gets to the point that I can't give her the proper care, then I will have to. I have done a great deal of online research and made many calls that have resulted in having nurses out, physical therapists, person care givers to help me a few hours a week and also Respite Care is available for when I have to go somewhere or need a break myself. I am giving my Mom much more than just the necessary medical care. I give her a manicure once a week, keep her nails polished like she did herself years ago. I have found an agency where she and I, as her caregiver, are entitled to free transportation to and from medical and non medical places. I even took her to WalMart, in her wheelchair, on the local public bus system last Saturday. Mom hadn't been anywhere but her Dr. appts. and in and out of the hospital in over a year. Her body may be shriveling up, but I won't let her spirits. I try to get her outside each day that the weather is permitting. She doesn't need to live the remainder of her life in a bed or recliner.
Trish, are you ready to make a committment to getting to meetings several times a week? I know you have been skating around the issue for many months but like so many people have said, I am a firm believer that either AA or NA, working the Steps and the Fellowship of the people involved are what it took for me to find happiness and let go of the past. I carried so much garbage of my past that I felt like I was being weighed down by an industrial dumpster. I needed help in emptying it out and finally letting it go.
I had to throw myself into my Recovery as much, if not more, than I threw myself into my addiction. It took time for those feelings to build up so they aren't going to go away in a few months. It takes time, it takes work and it takes a lot of honesty and open mindedness. But it is so worth it.
Now, as someone so wisely said, put down the baseball bat, stop beating yourself up and go to a Meeting today! Not one day this week, today. We never scheduled our using now, did we? We never put it off until a better day.
I have all the Faith in the world in you that you can find happiness. Maybe you need to believe it yourself! You are worth the effort. Your Recovery can be a Blessing and there can be so much gratitude in your life.
Love and Hugs
Judy
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
What is recovery? Well, I am just a newbie to recovery, but all I can do is share what I've learned so far. I can narrow it down to two things.
1. Recovery for me means keeping sober by using the help that is offered to me to remain sober. Help from a variety of sources.
I am not a strong person with a great deal of self discipline.
I realized that fairly early on. In fact, I am a downright needy person who needs guidance and a bit of prodding to get things done.
So, after a few relapses, I realized going it alone was not going to work for me. I need a lot of structure and support to maintain my sobriety.
I know some people have quit stone cold without any help. My hats off to them, because they obviously found what they needed and had the inner strength to pull it off. For me, the path is a different one: I need lots and lots of help, but I am not ashamed of it. It's just the way I am and the way "it" is.
2. The second thing I am learning about recovery is that it is not just putting the glass down, the pipe down or whatever, and simply eliminating a bad habit from my life. And, remaining more or less the same person. Nep.
For me recovery has meant making huge changes in the way I think about myself, my life and everyone around me. I used to think that quitting was just for the sake of my physical health. Wrong again, (at least for me). I can't speak about other's recovery, because what I'm saying may not apply to them. But for me, it has meant doing a spiritual and emotional overhaul.
You've mentioned before chi that you don't like AA, etc but maybe you should ask yourself what kind of personality type you are. If you search your soul and find that maybe you are the kind of person who could use help, and some structure for your recovery, maybe you need to grit your teeth and overcome those dislikes and reach out your hand for help. You reach out here, you can reach out other places too....
1. Recovery for me means keeping sober by using the help that is offered to me to remain sober. Help from a variety of sources.
I am not a strong person with a great deal of self discipline.
I realized that fairly early on. In fact, I am a downright needy person who needs guidance and a bit of prodding to get things done.
So, after a few relapses, I realized going it alone was not going to work for me. I need a lot of structure and support to maintain my sobriety.
I know some people have quit stone cold without any help. My hats off to them, because they obviously found what they needed and had the inner strength to pull it off. For me, the path is a different one: I need lots and lots of help, but I am not ashamed of it. It's just the way I am and the way "it" is.
2. The second thing I am learning about recovery is that it is not just putting the glass down, the pipe down or whatever, and simply eliminating a bad habit from my life. And, remaining more or less the same person. Nep.
For me recovery has meant making huge changes in the way I think about myself, my life and everyone around me. I used to think that quitting was just for the sake of my physical health. Wrong again, (at least for me). I can't speak about other's recovery, because what I'm saying may not apply to them. But for me, it has meant doing a spiritual and emotional overhaul.
You've mentioned before chi that you don't like AA, etc but maybe you should ask yourself what kind of personality type you are. If you search your soul and find that maybe you are the kind of person who could use help, and some structure for your recovery, maybe you need to grit your teeth and overcome those dislikes and reach out your hand for help. You reach out here, you can reach out other places too....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
I used drugs because I wasn't happy. I quit doing them and didn't become magically happy, no matter how many steps I worked.
Perhaps the problem of my unhappiness didn't have all that much to do with the drugs after all. Perhaps the reasons for my unhappiness were completely unrelated and I needed to address those issues instead.
When I am miserable now, I do not call myself names, try to talk myself into feeling better. I have to look at my life and figure out what it is about it that is making me feel this way. Yeah, it might just be a crappy attitude, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes I need to make a change in something other than my attitude.
Maybe I have a truly soul-sucking job, or maybe I'm in an abusive relationship, or maybe desperate poverty is overwhelming me. I've been in all those situations and changing my attitude didn't put a roof over my head, find me a better job or get the jerks out of my life. Neither did going to meetings, doing steps or calling a sponsor. If those things help you stay off dope, then cool, but those things will not solve other life problems, no matter how much people want to tell you that!
Find the reason for your misery and then find a solution for THAT problem. Do not look at the world only through the lens of addiction. It can drive you nuts!
Rock
Perhaps the problem of my unhappiness didn't have all that much to do with the drugs after all. Perhaps the reasons for my unhappiness were completely unrelated and I needed to address those issues instead.
When I am miserable now, I do not call myself names, try to talk myself into feeling better. I have to look at my life and figure out what it is about it that is making me feel this way. Yeah, it might just be a crappy attitude, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes I need to make a change in something other than my attitude.
Maybe I have a truly soul-sucking job, or maybe I'm in an abusive relationship, or maybe desperate poverty is overwhelming me. I've been in all those situations and changing my attitude didn't put a roof over my head, find me a better job or get the jerks out of my life. Neither did going to meetings, doing steps or calling a sponsor. If those things help you stay off dope, then cool, but those things will not solve other life problems, no matter how much people want to tell you that!
Find the reason for your misery and then find a solution for THAT problem. Do not look at the world only through the lens of addiction. It can drive you nuts!
Rock
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 82
Beautifully written!!!! I feel the same way - especially after I've been sober for any length of time. I don't know whats worse - being drunk or feeling this way. I suppose it takes awhile for our brains to re-wire themselves....at least thats what I'm hoping for......hang in there; keep posting..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Trish,
I started chasing my recovery like my life depended on it about a month ago.
I became ready, not because I relapsed, just because I was tired of the misery of being a self-doubting, approval-seeking, lonely, sad "dry" addict at six months of recovery. I became willing to do whatever it took, to try anything, to push myself so far out of my comfort zone that I sometimes have to rock back and forth in place to not run screaming from whatever recovery activity (meeting, coffee, dance, talk with other addict, ride to meeting, phone call to new contact, whatever) that I'm engaged in.
I'm working through, slogging through, pushing through, the mental swamp that I've been mired in for so long. The lack of love and caring people in the life that had addiction and mental illness as it's center for so long. The ruin that I created, and the wasted years. The inability to let people get close. The pain.
Tears are running down my face now as I write this, because, Trish, I think you are coming to the break-through that I got a month ago, the moment of clarity that we need to jump off the edge of the safe cliff into the open air of recovery.
It sounds like you are right on the edge, trying to decide whether to be safe and stay in the familiar but painful place you are used to, or try a new way of life. Come on in, Trish, the war's over.
I love you.
KJ
I started chasing my recovery like my life depended on it about a month ago.
I became ready, not because I relapsed, just because I was tired of the misery of being a self-doubting, approval-seeking, lonely, sad "dry" addict at six months of recovery. I became willing to do whatever it took, to try anything, to push myself so far out of my comfort zone that I sometimes have to rock back and forth in place to not run screaming from whatever recovery activity (meeting, coffee, dance, talk with other addict, ride to meeting, phone call to new contact, whatever) that I'm engaged in.
I'm working through, slogging through, pushing through, the mental swamp that I've been mired in for so long. The lack of love and caring people in the life that had addiction and mental illness as it's center for so long. The ruin that I created, and the wasted years. The inability to let people get close. The pain.
Tears are running down my face now as I write this, because, Trish, I think you are coming to the break-through that I got a month ago, the moment of clarity that we need to jump off the edge of the safe cliff into the open air of recovery.
It sounds like you are right on the edge, trying to decide whether to be safe and stay in the familiar but painful place you are used to, or try a new way of life. Come on in, Trish, the war's over.
I love you.
KJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi Chiy,
You are spiritually awake and grateful. If you weren't you wouldn't be troubled by your shortcomings.
To be spiritually awake is to understand your imperfections. The common thought when I heard the term "spiritual awakening" was that some God force would sweep into my life and I would be relieved of all my fear. That didn't happen! What did happen when I worked the steps, unravelled all my garbage and took a good look at it; I came to the conclusion that my spirit has always been awake. The evidence is overwhelming. One example:
In 1985 my first child was born. I remember holding her for the first time and looking down at her; I can remember the feeling, it was truly spiritual. My spirit soared, life could never get better. In 1988 my wife had had enough of me and I was forced out of my daughters life, my spirit ached, I was crushed, my life could never get worse. Both spiritual experiences at the opposite end of the spectrem. I've have thousands upon thousands of things to remind me of my life in spiritual terms, that's a gift of my past I do not regret or wish to shut the door on.
My spirit has always been awake, I just didn't realize what that meant.
To be grateful I must realize the gift I'm grateful for. Everything in this world is temporary, I've acquired and lost...acquired and lost...over and over, people, friends, relationships, jobs, cars, houses, money etc. Everything in my life is temporary and can be gone in a flash. My life is the one gift that has been with me since I was born. There must be some reason I'm here...what shall I do with my life, this gift God has given me?
I didn't do much with my life in my first 45 years, I was here, I had things, I lost things, my life was always lived in terms of ...I. In all the years of my spirit experiencing the good and bad I never felt gratitude. I say that because I didn't live my life in a grateful manner. I kept doing the same things and hurting people around me, my spirit was alive and it was dying a slow, painful death.
Today I'm grateful. I remember the things I have done, a decade ago, a year ago, a month ago, yesterday, earlier today and I try to learn from my shortcomings and change so I can be better, never perfect, but better. By trying my best to be honest and live the 12 steps to the best of my ability I can live in my God's world knowing I can change and I can be helpful and useful.
Chiy, remember your spirit is always awake. Remember also that you are grateful, that's why you are seeking change, to be the person you want to be. Don't give up
God's Peace
You are spiritually awake and grateful. If you weren't you wouldn't be troubled by your shortcomings.
To be spiritually awake is to understand your imperfections. The common thought when I heard the term "spiritual awakening" was that some God force would sweep into my life and I would be relieved of all my fear. That didn't happen! What did happen when I worked the steps, unravelled all my garbage and took a good look at it; I came to the conclusion that my spirit has always been awake. The evidence is overwhelming. One example:
In 1985 my first child was born. I remember holding her for the first time and looking down at her; I can remember the feeling, it was truly spiritual. My spirit soared, life could never get better. In 1988 my wife had had enough of me and I was forced out of my daughters life, my spirit ached, I was crushed, my life could never get worse. Both spiritual experiences at the opposite end of the spectrem. I've have thousands upon thousands of things to remind me of my life in spiritual terms, that's a gift of my past I do not regret or wish to shut the door on.
My spirit has always been awake, I just didn't realize what that meant.
To be grateful I must realize the gift I'm grateful for. Everything in this world is temporary, I've acquired and lost...acquired and lost...over and over, people, friends, relationships, jobs, cars, houses, money etc. Everything in my life is temporary and can be gone in a flash. My life is the one gift that has been with me since I was born. There must be some reason I'm here...what shall I do with my life, this gift God has given me?
I didn't do much with my life in my first 45 years, I was here, I had things, I lost things, my life was always lived in terms of ...I. In all the years of my spirit experiencing the good and bad I never felt gratitude. I say that because I didn't live my life in a grateful manner. I kept doing the same things and hurting people around me, my spirit was alive and it was dying a slow, painful death.
Today I'm grateful. I remember the things I have done, a decade ago, a year ago, a month ago, yesterday, earlier today and I try to learn from my shortcomings and change so I can be better, never perfect, but better. By trying my best to be honest and live the 12 steps to the best of my ability I can live in my God's world knowing I can change and I can be helpful and useful.
Chiy, remember your spirit is always awake. Remember also that you are grateful, that's why you are seeking change, to be the person you want to be. Don't give up
God's Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Feelings can suck for awhile. Mine are still a little raw after a year and a half.
I just look at my kids. Recovery means my kids love and trust me and that means the world to ME.
My thoughts are with you.
I just look at my kids. Recovery means my kids love and trust me and that means the world to ME.
My thoughts are with you.
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