horsegyrl

Is there addiction that does not cover pain? Is there pure addiction to a narcotic, an alcoholic drink, an activity or a thing that is only about the drug and not about some loss, some fear, some past damage, some hurt shallow or deep of heart and soul, some un-ness? Is there addiction that has honestly come about by accident, by innocence, by naivety, by a healthy situation, or out of love or out of desire? Is there addiction with nothing beneath to heal?
I have had to dig very deep to find the source in myself. I have been compelled and allowed to wrench it out, spill it out, scream it out, cry about it, turn it over and over and examine it, throw up on it, throw it up, stomp on it, give it away in words, take it back knowing it is mine only.
And somehow it is lighter now. Still dark, but slightly smaller now, faced in drunken stupor and then in terrified sobriety.
I ponder my personal tragedies beneath the drug. I do this with a friend, with love, with a lover, with you, out of need, for my survival. I am so tired, so lonely, so wrong, so hurt and so sad. Yet, somehow, I can still love and laugh and smile and make fun. I can feel a good feeling in my heart and let it in and cherish it, knowing it for what it is. And it sits beside the pain. And the pain is afraid. The pain is less. Not me.
~horsey~

Anna

I think that addiction always covers some kind of pain, whether it's physical, mental or spiritual pain. It could be something as simple as being uncomfortable in social situations, but I think there is always a root cause. That's why the drinking/drugging is a symptom and it's when you stop using those things, that the real work begins.

Gmoney

I guess it all depends on what one calls pain. For me, my drug addiction came about as a direct result of using drugs. But that leaves the question: why did I use drugs? Many believe that addiction (the disease) existed long before drugs ever enter the picture. And when looking back at my own life, I can see how drugs were an inevitable phase of my addictive personality. We can blame peer pressure, low self esteem, low self worth, lack of self-acceptance or ego run amok. Each person has to come to their own understanding, but I've found that self-centeredness is the core of my disease and will always be the root cause.

kj3880

For me, if there is a root cause that set me up to become physically dependant on drugs, it was low self-esteem, a feeling since childhood that I was never good enough, somehow. That I didn't fit in, didn't belong, not just in school, but to the human race. A deep, deep insecurity that nobody could help me with. The first place I've ever felt even a modicum of acceptance is NA. I have so much work to do to feel better, to get better.
KJ

Nainoa

I completely agree...

For me the reality was that I felt pain... And was "Numbing it up" or "Avoiding" dealing with it... By using a substance that I became addicted to.

I believe that at the heart of addiction is Self-Centeredness... Or an over focus on Self-Interest... It is this Selfish aspect that lies at the root...

Pain encourages it... And then we choose the substance to numb it.

There are a lot of people who simply keep switching up addictions...

I've even seen people stop using chemicals, and start turning to non-chemical or intellectual things... Gambling, sex, or even Faux spirituality.

I think that it's only once someone addresses the selfish root cause, and learns to break it, that they take themselves onto the next step in their healing.

*****

Ultimately Addiction is a disease of Convenience... It's only been since the rise of civilization that we've seen any trace of addiction, despite those substances being around... And even then... There's been a direct increase between how plentiful life is and the occurance of addiction.

Why is this...

Look back in the Stone Age... Everyone lived and worked communally in small tribes and communities... You had to rely on each other... And when someone behaved in self-serving manner to a great degree...

They were exiled. (Which was a fate worse than death.)

Now Modern Convenience has allowed us to live in Exile while still able to hear the neighbor's arguing through the walls.... But you can go out to the store, get everything you need... Slap it on a Credit Card, and hope you can get the problem to just go away.

kj3880

As long as there have been intoxicating substances and methods of documentation, there are documented cases of substance abuse, dating thousands of years back. There have been cases of opium addiction in every class for well before there was ever modern civilization, well before the age of plenty, as well as alcoholism, which is marked even in the poorest of civilizations from antiquity to today. Wealth and privilege are no barrier or predictor of this disease. It is my opinion that addiction is a physical disease, that it has genetic predictors and factors, although it does have some root phsychological agitators. I believe addressing these roots can help an addict bring their disease under some control.

But I don't believe in kicking the addict around for having the disease of addiction. Addicts are not "bad" simply because they have an addiction to something. Nor do they need or deserve exile. As was recently pointed out to me, the basic text tells us that we are not responsible for our addiction, but we are responsible for our recovery. If compassionate, medically approved, addict-tested, effective methods of treatment were available to every addict in modern society, most addicts would choose treatment. We have the only disease I know about (except maybe AIDS, where people blame us simply for having a disease). Addicts, at least all the ones I know, desperately wish they didn't have to struggle with an addiction.
kj

horsegyrl

Thank you so much all of you for your thoughts. I so appreciate hearing from you all.

~horsey~

Boleo

I drank to avoid the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse (Terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair).

Now I use spiritual principles to concur them (Humility, serenity and benevolence).

Ananda

Lots of good stuff...Just to share a mistake I made that i really feel compeled to be open about because it might save someoneelse from the mistake.

I had 7 years at one point, and had worked on many of the problems I had: low self esteme, incest issues, all that kinda stuff (including my selfish and self centeredness). I actually began to question if having dealt with what I thought of as root causes perhaps I could now drink safely.

I drank 8 years and almost didn't make it back to sobriety. So it is important to me to remember that no matter what the root cause is, I can never safely drink again or drink "normally".

freya

In about an hour I am going to meet with my brother-in-law. A few days ago, my sister found pictures of him with other women on the internet. When I think about how much she is hurting I am so angry I could kill and when I think about his behavior I honestly want to puke......

......but, at the moment I am probably the only person he knows who could possibly know about this situation and still be willing to talk to him.

The thing is, as absolutely bad and inappropriate as his behavior is, he truly is not a bad, evil, whatever-you-want-to-call-it person. He is a person who grew up with two alcoholic cheating dads, a mom who did not respect herself enough to leave either of them and who took her anger and frustration out on her sons, and an older brother who committed suicide.....So, yeah, like they say, "Hurt people hurt people"...and they also hurt themselves, ironically, often by engaging in addictive behaviors that they hope will help them escape their pain.

I am so praying for compassion and patience and that I will keep my friggin' mouth shut unless HP gives me something "right" to say.......and I am taking with me some info about SA...because I really do believe that, no matter what the issue, anyone who is willing to seek a solution can find it in the Steps....and that's all I can do except pray for them both.

UGH!

freya

Peter

Drugs made me feel better about myself than I could do on my own.

NoelleR

I know there are folks who feel that alcohol/drugs/whatever is but a symptom, and one must get down to the (root) causes and conditions (it's even mentions in AA's BB -- pg 64).....but I'm not a big proponent of this 'theory.'

I'm of the mind that......... I don't need to know WHY I touched the stove, and therefore burned my hand. All I need to know is that if I don't touch the stove I probably won't get burned..... (o: Of course I used all the 'reasons' 'causes' ... excuses I now call em...for why I drank and did drugs (you know....I'm angry, I'm lonely; I'm uncomfortable in social situations.....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....BUT, the simple truth (for me anyway) was that I drank/used drugs because I was an alcoholic, and I liked the way the booze and drugs made me feel.....

Yes, most folks have 'issues' to work on, even non-alcoholics do, and I am a believer in working on self to become a better me(heck, the fourth step wasn't 'new' to the founders and/or program of AA.....let's remember that ole fella Socrates, and he wrote, "The unexamined life is not worth living." .....and today, I'm pretty fond of myself-----obviously I'm not perfect (per some's definition of perfect lol), but I am happy and content and sober..... (o:


NoelleR

kj3880

I pretty much agree with you Noelle. I think that everyone has problems, but only addicts drink or drug to mask them. I think it's more of a physical disease than anyone has discovered yet.

That being said, self-examination and working the steps is the way to keep the serenity going that can keep this addict from picking up. But that's just me, I'm sure others may feel differently.
KJ

Gmoney

I see where Noelle and Ananda are coming from, and I agree. Although I've done some work and discovered (or uncovered) the "core" of my disease, that information is just more to add to the pile. Knowing why I did drugs doesn't stop me from doing drugs again. You kow why? Because I can make up another reason, cause, or excuse anytime I want to. Sure...I'm self-centered, but just for today I'm a self-centered clean addict who doesn't use no matter what. Many folks believe that, in order to solve a problem they have to know what the problem is. When it comes to addiction...the problem has always been me and there is no cure for me. There is no finish line, no graduation, no completion date, no cure...yet, we do recover.

Nainoa

The problem is, that in order to heal, one has to come full circle... In order to finally be "Healed" instead of "Constantly Healing" is to help someone else to heal.

Everything in the world, amongst men and in the universe works on a cyclical basis... The world is seemingly hardwired that to get something you have to give something.

It's just like how you can't understand what it really means to be a child until you're a parent... You also can't fully heal, until you become a healer.

The path is a difficult one to walk... Most lose their way, because the temptation to stop and simple focus on self concerns is FAR easier... And in the short term... It "Seems" far more pleasureable.

But boy... Doesn't "Seeking Self Gratification first" sound a whole lot like addiction?

^^^^And so by this I assert, that Addiction is more than just the substance.

So you might conquer the chemical... You might conquer the habits... You might conquer the issues...

But until you conquer the "Addiction to self Gratification" until you learn to "Serve as well as be served." The addiction will always work at the cracks trying (Perhaps only in vain) to find it's way back... And you will be forced to keep fighting it in some way, at some level.

Gmoney

IMO, many have come to a point in their lives where they believed they were "healed." Some called it being "delivered," while others even said they were fully recovered. And many of those were sadly mistaken. It has been my experience to hear people share, self-righteously, about what others should or shouldn't do only to later let shame and guilt keep them from admitting that what they knew about the truth was very little at all.

I once had a person share with me, that, in order to heal I had to forget certain things. I offered this person my experience - as a kid I was riding my bike down a very steep hill without my hands on the handlebars. I had done it many, many times and was confident in my bike-riding ability. This particular day, a car came speeding out of nowhere and ran the stop sign at the bottom of the hill. Because of the rate of speed I was traveling AND the fact that my hands weren't near the brakes, I wasn't able to slow down fast enough to avoid being hit. Faced with the choice of jamming the brakes and flying off the bike or getting hit by the car...I jammed the brakes and flew to the ground. I didn't get hit by the car (which kept going), but the gravel ripped my facial skin pretty badly between the bridge of my nose and my chin. I was scarred for quite some time, but over time the physical damage could barely be detected and the doctors said, "You've healed nicely." Today, those who do not know of my accident wouldn't know unless I told them. Externally, I have healed and the lessons I learned from that incident are priceless. Yet, I will never forget that day...nor do I choose to. My point is that there is a major difference between understanding that recovery is a lifelong process and being "healed" from addiction.

Although almost a decade has passed since I used a drug of any kind to get high, I realize that I'm not exempt from relapse. To ignore that relapse is a reality is to set myself up for failure. If "constantly healing" means I am a work in progress...then, I accept that because I'll never reach a state of perfection (I'm perfectly human). Yet, I disagree with any assertion that I cannot (or have not) helped others because I haven't "totally" healed. I also disagree that I have to give something in order to receive something - I didn't give anything to be born and grace is a gift from my HP that requires no prepayment. Oh yeah... I do not have to be a parent to fully understand what it means to be a child either. I was a child...I lived it.

It should. It's part of what addiction is all about.

Freedom1990

Simply put, I was never comfortable in my own skin, not even as a child.

Sure, I could digress and ponder why that was, but it's a moot point.

I sought the elusive butterfly of happiness, when all along, it was an inside job.

Chemicals did make me comfortable in my own skin for a long time, but there were those periods I simply had to rest and get back in shape, if you will, only to have that discomfort return again.

Then they quit working and I stood at that jumping off point.

kj3880

I agree with you, Garry.

In my 4 months of working on recovery, I've already known some addicts who had years of clean time, had rebuilt nice lives, had many sponsees, served at Area Service and were big-time speakers, yet relapsed. And that doesn't mean they didn't give back. They just relapsed. It happens, sometimes catches people off guard.

I don't think that we are ever "fully healed" from addiction. Like AIDS, we learn to manage it, we learn to do what we need to do to keep from getting into active addiction, to stay "in recovery." But no amount of service will ever take away the fact that I'm an addict. I'll always be "at risk" for using.

If I forget that, or get too comfortable that maybe I gave enough, now I'm all better, whatever, I'll stop being on my guard. Maybe that'd lead to me thinking "I"m healed from my addiction, so I can use pain pills for a physical problem without worrying or handing them over to someone to help monitor my useage when I have my surgery." I don't think that would ever be safe for me.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have a life-long condition called addiction. I'm OK with it, it doesn't make me a bad person, I just have to be careful about it. People with diabetes don't get to be free from it because they learn to eat right and help other diabetics. They still have to work within the framework of their disease for a lifetime. And I'm sure that helping others does help us to keep recovering, but it isn't a cure. There is no cure, but we do recover!
KJ

Lily

Thinking of root cause hmmmm....... I think my root cause was to have "fun." There was a neighbor girl w/ lots of older hippie type brothers and she introduced me to weed and alcohol. I agreed to it cuz it looked fun, and it was. In high school I can remember getting drunk on weekends with my girlfriends and my boyfriend cuz it was fun.

I can remember getting introduced to meth after having drank all night. I can remember trying it cuz I thought it would fun, not cuz I thought I would become an addict. Then I can remember continuing to use it because I liked the rush and I liked how it made me gets tons of stuff done and cuz I lost weight and thought I looked hot.

Then I remember treatment and how I felt like Garry said, "delivered" I didn't use for many many years......

I can remember the first time I tried vicodin, (It may have been an escape) here I was on an airplaine flying from Portland Oregon (where my husband was getting his monthly brain cancer treatments at OHSU) back down to San Diego. I had heard of ppl being hooked on them before, and so I thought, wow, they must be fun, so I popped a few and a little bit later I felt so good, the fact that my husband of only 1 1/2 years was dying was no longer a big deal anymore. It was an escape.

The root of my addiction is self. Self centered feel good type stuff. That is the same reason I overeat, the same reason I say things I shouldn't.

When I am others centered and put Sheila on the back burner for a while, I am not so concerned with "self"

I think I will struggle with self centeredness the rest of my life, however when I die, I will have completely recovered. :-)

Sheila

Gmoney

Amen, Sheila!! If I get to stay clean until I die...I win.