What is a friendship? What is a relationship?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
insomnia...yes, typing alone in the dark!
I grew up being pushed intellectually. My father was an educator. I was a good student.
Now, I have never stopped reading and lost my interest in my areas of intellectual pursuits.
They are less important to me now. I knew nothing of emotional intelligence. That is an important part of a well-rounded, balanced, healthy life. As far as I know, there are no classes nor exams but it is no less important.
Freya, you make me think a bit of Ayn Rand.....
I find myself more attracted these days to His Holiness Dalai Lama's teachings on compassion as an appropriate relationship to others.
In real life I have very few whom I am close with, am not a social person and easily distance myself from those who relate to me offensively.
There are some, who from family ties, that even tho' we are aliens to one another, I try to build up and keep up some positive connection.
It is not always what is said so much as it is how it is said.
My night thoughts on this thread.
I grew up being pushed intellectually. My father was an educator. I was a good student.
Now, I have never stopped reading and lost my interest in my areas of intellectual pursuits.
They are less important to me now. I knew nothing of emotional intelligence. That is an important part of a well-rounded, balanced, healthy life. As far as I know, there are no classes nor exams but it is no less important.
Freya, you make me think a bit of Ayn Rand.....
I find myself more attracted these days to His Holiness Dalai Lama's teachings on compassion as an appropriate relationship to others.
In real life I have very few whom I am close with, am not a social person and easily distance myself from those who relate to me offensively.
There are some, who from family ties, that even tho' we are aliens to one another, I try to build up and keep up some positive connection.
It is not always what is said so much as it is how it is said.
My night thoughts on this thread.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by liveweyerd 
Freya, you make me think a bit of Ayn Rand......
And before all you guys have my family for generations back locked up in an ivory tower somewhere, I think I need to say that, actually, my mom is the only person, prior to my generation, on either side of my family who has even a BA -- my dad was a HS dropout who took an entry level position at KODAK when he was 15 and made it all the way up to regional manager of marketing and development. That was back in the days when they still cared about what you could actually do instead of just about what degree you had.
Most of my childhood "awareness" was built on my family's involvement in street level civil rights work, anti-(Viet Nam)-war stuff, and all kinds of trouble-making within the catholic church at the time (We actually attended a church that hid "draft dodgers" and radical priests on the lam and that sang "Age of Aquarious" as part of the mass.).
See, the things is, when I wrote of my family: "self-awarenss and growing and challenging and questioning -- of oneself and of everyone and everything else -- was not only allowed but expected and modeled constantly," I wasn't talking about theory and intellectualism. I was talking about engagement with life and knowing and living one's values -- and different people can engage deeply with life and live very authentically in lots of different ways. Among my siblings, we have a professional artist, a professional dancer, a really successful auto mechanic (who happens to be one of the most philosophical people I know, even tough he probably would have trouble writing a grammatically correct sentence if his life depended on it), a nuclear engineer (trained by the US Navy, not an ivy league college),etc...etc...(there are rather a lot of us).
When we were growing up, we were each valued and encouraged to know and to be who we were as individuals, to pursue our passions, develop our strengths and to try to recognize our shortcoming but never identify with them or let them hold us down.
One thing that has happened to me all my life is that, when I am with other "intellectuals," many of them tend to be all nervous and threatened by what they perceive as my emotionalism and creativity..........and when I am around non-intellectuals, the get all nervous and threatened by what they see as my awesome brainpower....but, the truth is all of that is part of me, and all of that is important and vital to how I "know" and "understand" things and how I live in the world and relate to others, and I'm just not really willing to give any part of it up or hide any part of it in order to make someone else feel comfortable. Now, I'm thinkin' you might find this to sound really cold and mean, but if someone else is threatened by or can't deal with my being all of who I am, then, really, that is that other person's problem, not mine...and, in all honesty, my best guess is that, if that person were to channel his/her energy into working on being all that s/he can be instead of on focusing on me (or anybody else), s/he would probably find within her/himself more than enough value and power to make it unnecessary that s/he need ever feel fundamentally threatened by anyone else again.
And I feel like I need to tell this story here:
When I was 19, I had an interview for a very prestigous international graduate fellowship. Part of the "supporting material" that I had had to submit with the original application for the followship included a paper that I had written, basically about the importance of using all our faculties (body, heart, mind, and spirit) in our quest for "knowledge." In the paper, I had called the "practice" I was writing about "Imaginationism." Also, one of the letters of recommendation that I had submitted was written by my most favorite professor and before he had sent it, he had asked me to read it and, specifically, asked me if I wanted him to remove a line about my "passion" and "creativity." At the time, I kind of brushed it off because I couldn't even understand why he would ask such a silly thing.
Well, anyway, I go to this interview, and the interviewers (7) are all men and the closest thing that they had to someone with a humanities backgroud was a German professor and a mainstream, analytic psych professor. And these guys were just obssessed with tearing apart my "imaginationism" paper. They just started in on it and the more we talked about it and the more I could defend it and support it, the crazier it got. Now here I am 19 years old with not a clue about what could possibly being going on here...and suddenly it hits me -- I mean, I didn't understand at the time how or why it could be possible, but I suddenly realized that what was going on here was that all of these important, realtively powerful men, respected internationally in their fields, had somehow been deeply and fundamentally threatened by my paper -- and the only way for me to "win" this fight is either 1) if the fellowship is more important to me than my integrity and my truth, let them seem to have convinced me of the error of my ways; or 2) if my integrity and truth is more important to me than the fellowship, call this game for what it is and get the hell out of there.
I chose door #2.
Part of what had been emphasized over and over again throughout the application and interview process was that fact that this was a fellowship for "leaders," so I said -- and I was like so mind blown at this point that it was almost like it was someone else saying it -- "You know, ever since (someone from my college) nominated me to this fellowship, everyone's been telling me how you are really looking for people who are leaders. But it seems to me right now that you are not looking for leaders, you are looking for followers who are just good pretenders. And that's not me, so I think it would be best for us all if I leave now."...and I got up and left.
I was in such a friggin' "what-the-hell-just-happened-there" daze, that I kinda wandered out of the hotel and went out onto the street and a lttile ways down the block, there was a pay phone. I called the professoer who had written the "passion and creativity" letter and told him what had just happened, and he just started laughing -- kinda rude, but looking back on it and understanding it as I do now, I totally see why -- and I was like "what??? Why are laughing?"...and the first thing he could actually get it together enough to say was: "This is exactly why I asked you if you wanted me to remove that line!"
So, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it --- freya
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Freya, you speak far more precisely than I do, this is one of my handicaps, and you are right to differentiate between handicap and wounded. Better wording on your part.
Maybe I was subconsciously showing off to an intellectual that I was familiar with Ayn Rand and her work etc! LOL
As to your pm...I plead no contest!
Laughing....I warned that I prefer concise...or not spending a great deal of time on most points.
I all ready thought you a bombshell (that's a compliment) from your post(s) in WIR on girlie stuff!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Don't Feed the Vampires!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this thread (a total shock to everyone, I’m sure!!), and the thing that I’ve been struggling most with is the fact that, based on my posts thus far, I’ve been called “kind” and I’ve been compared to Ayn Rand ( = BIG not-kind)…..and so, I’ve been asking myself “What’s the truth here? Am I kind? Am I unkind?”…....
…….and the truth is, I’m deeply sure, that I am/can be both…I hold a lot of “freyja” energy (mother, nurturer, goddess of hearth and home) but I also hold a lot of Cali energy (death-dealing, castrating b*tch) and it feels to me very much like both of those energies are stronger and I am much better off as a “whole person” (and as a friend, partner, mother, lover…even as a teacher or financial planner) insofar as I can balance and access, as needed, either or both of them….(same thing goes for scholar/priestess, virgin/wh*re, etc. etc.etc…maybe even “monster/sober”??????)
…..I know it’s a lot easier for everyone when things can be reduced to an “either/or”…..but it seems to me that, more often than not, all the “either/or” does is let us get away with thinking we understand and can control something that we really can’t…And much more often than not, the “both-and” is much closer to the truth and to “reality” as we actually live and experience it…and to use Robby’s terminology that, ultimately, requires “grokking” more than “thinking” as we commonly use the word….
…and, as we are on an internet discussion board and therefore limited to using language (or smilies) to communicate and since language is a “tool” that serves thinking much more easily and readily than it serves feeling, intuition, or spirit…I find trying to convey the reality of the “both-and” is kind of tricky.
Anyway….with that in mind, this is what I wrote the other night and never got around to posting:
This is (I promise) directly related to the topic of relationships, but I have to start with a synopsis of my current little “working theory” about the meaning and purpose of life and about my “right” relationship with HP (and, by extension, my relationships with others) and how that works (or doesn’t work, depending on the choices I make.) I’ll start with one of my favorite Emerson quotations that actually appears on January 30 in the Al Anon reader Courage to Change:
“There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…..Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom that flows into your life. Then, without effort, you will be compelled to truth and to perfect contentment.”
As I see it, HP has a plan...(or the Energy of the Universe has a Path, or -- whatever language or metaphor works for you as a reader here) All of the energy in creation tends, ultimately, toward fulfillment of the plan and the plan will be fulfilled. There is, ultimately, no other possibility. HP chooses to put some of the energy in creation under my temporary influence and gives me the freedom to use and direct that energy as I choose. But, regardless of my choices, HP’s plan will be fulfilled. My best guess is that, as per the quotation above, when I choose to align myself with HP’s plan and channel the energy I am given in accordance with the plan, things go well for me (in a fundamental sense) and I have peace, connection, “understanding” (not necessarily of the rational, objectively verifiable type), and purpose. On the other hand, if I choose to channel the energy I am given according to my own will and limited human understanding – such as it is when I am disconnected from and/or in rebellion against HP – then I will be, intentionally or not, at best, failing to contribute to fulfillment of the plan and, at worst, deliberately disrupting the progress of the plan.. In any case, insofar as I am out of sync with the plan, I experience meaninglessness, disconnection, chaos, and pain.
I’m putting this out here because, as I’ve been thinking about relationships over the last few days, I’ve realized that it’s pretty connected to what I have to say about them. I was talking to my not-a-sponsor last week, and we were reflecting on the fact that we both seem to be in place right now where we are really making some very deliberate choices about the kinds of people with whom we are willing to be in sponsor/sponsee relationships. And, ultimately, what this has to do with is where we are at and where we are trying to go in terms of our recoveries and what that means about how much and what kind of “carrying” of others we can rightly and healthily do.
And, in relation to this I need to reference a couple of other things that have been posted elsewhere: the poem from “The Prophet” that liveweyerd mentioned above that she posted in another thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1881565
The message there about the power, importance, beauty of “giving” freely is right-on (and elegantly expressed!)...and, paradoxically (yes, again!), I find the message behind this little parable to be equally powerful and important and beautiful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1843295
…even though they say (on the surface) pretty much exactly the opposite things: On the one hand, in liveweyerd’s poem, the emphasis is all on the benefit and necessity of giving and in the Friedman parable the emphasis is all on the benefit and necessity of setting boundaries and of knowing when not to give. This is very, very hard line to walk, and, for me, I am finding more and more that the best/most effective way that I can walk it truly and safely is if I am connected to HP and I remain as aware as possible of where my energy is going and how it feels to me – psychically and spiritually – for my energy to be going there.
If I choose to share my energy with people who are, in general, doing everything in their power to help themselves, to find and maintain their own "right relationship" with HP and to move forward in their lives as per HP's direction, then (like I said in my second post) the energy flows fantastically and the more I share, the more I get, and it's all good for everybody all around….like in the poem from “The Prophet”.
On the other hand, as in “The Bridge,” if I choose to share that energy with people who are stuck in their woundedness (like the people at the university at which I used to work) and acting in "self-will run riot" mode, who insist on making unhealthy, self-destructive choices that impede the plan and create pain and chaos for everyone who comes in contact with them, then something really weird starts to happen to the energy available to me and to those relationships – and, really, the metaphor that actually works best for me in terms of what this kind of relationship feels like is “VAMPIRISM.” Because the thing that I've found is that people who are living like that have pretty much squandered any authentic energy they might have received from HP, and, because they have become so disconnected, they cannot access more. (I’m not saying that this is their fault or that they are in some sense “bad” people; I’m just saying that this is where they’re at and that I cannot – nor is it safe or right for me to try to -- help them unless they first become willing and committed to help themselves,) So, they have to vampirize the energy of others, and once I "invite them in" by sharing my energy with them, they become like a vampire/leech to me…
…The longer I allow that to continue, the more of my energy I am allowing to be misdirected; and the more the energy I have is misdirected, the less access I myself am going to have to more energy from HP…If it goes on long enough, I suppose I could end up totally depleted and disconnected from HP...and pretty much back where I was at the end of my marriage (1994-95), which, well, we won’t go into that.
And, I’m thinking that the issues of free will and of respect are really an important piece here…….because, as I said, HP respects us so much that HP gives us – each and every one of us individually -- free will. This means to me that, if HP respects someone enough – even when that person is making poor, dangerous, plan-impeding choices – to allow that person to exercise his/her free will, then it’s certainly not my place to try to interfere and control or in any way prevent them from doing the same….but, the catch here is that, just because I am obligated to respect the right of others to make the choices they choose to make, that does not mean that I have to respect, or support, or collude in, or in any way give my energy to the choices they make….In fact, at this point, I’m pretty sure that my own continued recovery pretty much depends on my increasing awareness of when I am in danger of getting drawn into doing so and my conscious and continuing firm refusal to do so.
freya
…….and the truth is, I’m deeply sure, that I am/can be both…I hold a lot of “freyja” energy (mother, nurturer, goddess of hearth and home) but I also hold a lot of Cali energy (death-dealing, castrating b*tch) and it feels to me very much like both of those energies are stronger and I am much better off as a “whole person” (and as a friend, partner, mother, lover…even as a teacher or financial planner) insofar as I can balance and access, as needed, either or both of them….(same thing goes for scholar/priestess, virgin/wh*re, etc. etc.etc…maybe even “monster/sober”??????)
…..I know it’s a lot easier for everyone when things can be reduced to an “either/or”…..but it seems to me that, more often than not, all the “either/or” does is let us get away with thinking we understand and can control something that we really can’t…And much more often than not, the “both-and” is much closer to the truth and to “reality” as we actually live and experience it…and to use Robby’s terminology that, ultimately, requires “grokking” more than “thinking” as we commonly use the word….
…and, as we are on an internet discussion board and therefore limited to using language (or smilies) to communicate and since language is a “tool” that serves thinking much more easily and readily than it serves feeling, intuition, or spirit…I find trying to convey the reality of the “both-and” is kind of tricky.
Anyway….with that in mind, this is what I wrote the other night and never got around to posting:
This is (I promise) directly related to the topic of relationships, but I have to start with a synopsis of my current little “working theory” about the meaning and purpose of life and about my “right” relationship with HP (and, by extension, my relationships with others) and how that works (or doesn’t work, depending on the choices I make.) I’ll start with one of my favorite Emerson quotations that actually appears on January 30 in the Al Anon reader Courage to Change:
“There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…..Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom that flows into your life. Then, without effort, you will be compelled to truth and to perfect contentment.”
As I see it, HP has a plan...(or the Energy of the Universe has a Path, or -- whatever language or metaphor works for you as a reader here) All of the energy in creation tends, ultimately, toward fulfillment of the plan and the plan will be fulfilled. There is, ultimately, no other possibility. HP chooses to put some of the energy in creation under my temporary influence and gives me the freedom to use and direct that energy as I choose. But, regardless of my choices, HP’s plan will be fulfilled. My best guess is that, as per the quotation above, when I choose to align myself with HP’s plan and channel the energy I am given in accordance with the plan, things go well for me (in a fundamental sense) and I have peace, connection, “understanding” (not necessarily of the rational, objectively verifiable type), and purpose. On the other hand, if I choose to channel the energy I am given according to my own will and limited human understanding – such as it is when I am disconnected from and/or in rebellion against HP – then I will be, intentionally or not, at best, failing to contribute to fulfillment of the plan and, at worst, deliberately disrupting the progress of the plan.. In any case, insofar as I am out of sync with the plan, I experience meaninglessness, disconnection, chaos, and pain.
I’m putting this out here because, as I’ve been thinking about relationships over the last few days, I’ve realized that it’s pretty connected to what I have to say about them. I was talking to my not-a-sponsor last week, and we were reflecting on the fact that we both seem to be in place right now where we are really making some very deliberate choices about the kinds of people with whom we are willing to be in sponsor/sponsee relationships. And, ultimately, what this has to do with is where we are at and where we are trying to go in terms of our recoveries and what that means about how much and what kind of “carrying” of others we can rightly and healthily do.
And, in relation to this I need to reference a couple of other things that have been posted elsewhere: the poem from “The Prophet” that liveweyerd mentioned above that she posted in another thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1881565
The message there about the power, importance, beauty of “giving” freely is right-on (and elegantly expressed!)...and, paradoxically (yes, again!), I find the message behind this little parable to be equally powerful and important and beautiful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1843295
…even though they say (on the surface) pretty much exactly the opposite things: On the one hand, in liveweyerd’s poem, the emphasis is all on the benefit and necessity of giving and in the Friedman parable the emphasis is all on the benefit and necessity of setting boundaries and of knowing when not to give. This is very, very hard line to walk, and, for me, I am finding more and more that the best/most effective way that I can walk it truly and safely is if I am connected to HP and I remain as aware as possible of where my energy is going and how it feels to me – psychically and spiritually – for my energy to be going there.
If I choose to share my energy with people who are, in general, doing everything in their power to help themselves, to find and maintain their own "right relationship" with HP and to move forward in their lives as per HP's direction, then (like I said in my second post) the energy flows fantastically and the more I share, the more I get, and it's all good for everybody all around….like in the poem from “The Prophet”.
On the other hand, as in “The Bridge,” if I choose to share that energy with people who are stuck in their woundedness (like the people at the university at which I used to work) and acting in "self-will run riot" mode, who insist on making unhealthy, self-destructive choices that impede the plan and create pain and chaos for everyone who comes in contact with them, then something really weird starts to happen to the energy available to me and to those relationships – and, really, the metaphor that actually works best for me in terms of what this kind of relationship feels like is “VAMPIRISM.” Because the thing that I've found is that people who are living like that have pretty much squandered any authentic energy they might have received from HP, and, because they have become so disconnected, they cannot access more. (I’m not saying that this is their fault or that they are in some sense “bad” people; I’m just saying that this is where they’re at and that I cannot – nor is it safe or right for me to try to -- help them unless they first become willing and committed to help themselves,) So, they have to vampirize the energy of others, and once I "invite them in" by sharing my energy with them, they become like a vampire/leech to me…
…The longer I allow that to continue, the more of my energy I am allowing to be misdirected; and the more the energy I have is misdirected, the less access I myself am going to have to more energy from HP…If it goes on long enough, I suppose I could end up totally depleted and disconnected from HP...and pretty much back where I was at the end of my marriage (1994-95), which, well, we won’t go into that.
And, I’m thinking that the issues of free will and of respect are really an important piece here…….because, as I said, HP respects us so much that HP gives us – each and every one of us individually -- free will. This means to me that, if HP respects someone enough – even when that person is making poor, dangerous, plan-impeding choices – to allow that person to exercise his/her free will, then it’s certainly not my place to try to interfere and control or in any way prevent them from doing the same….but, the catch here is that, just because I am obligated to respect the right of others to make the choices they choose to make, that does not mean that I have to respect, or support, or collude in, or in any way give my energy to the choices they make….In fact, at this point, I’m pretty sure that my own continued recovery pretty much depends on my increasing awareness of when I am in danger of getting drawn into doing so and my conscious and continuing firm refusal to do so.
freya
Stopping the Train...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Sevierville, TN - in the valley of the Great Smoky Mountains
Posts: 978
Freya - I'm so glad you made this post as it parallels what I'm trying to figure out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1892609
I have a lot of confusion yet about the whole HP thing, but I think I'm beginning to get it. Not nearly in it's entirety, but closer than I was even yesterday.
The whole vampire thing. Some people tend to hang on someone who seems to "have it" so completely because it's something they want. When I told my f2f ex-sponsor she just wasn't what I needed she said she was good with it. People do that. I'm not sure she really was ok with it. I felt my own energy I was using to try and just get a grip on not using (forget recovery - just get past freakin' using) being pulled away by what it felt like a need she was trying to fill. This was turning into a dangerous relationship. This friendship was turning into something that felt like the opposite of what it was supposed to be. It felt like she was "needing me" and my recovery to gain experience in sponsoring someone, but she really didn't know how. I didn't feel like being guinea pig for this. She lost another sponsee for the same reasons I found out later.
Now...I could be very wrong about that...but when I shared this with a couple of other people and I described it as feeling like poison to me and what I was trying to accomplish no one laughed. It doesn't seem to be me. This is someone, after-all, who took me to a bar in my first week of going to an NA meeting. I was still in fresh w/d the first time. Granted I could have - should have - refused, but I didn't. This is someone who has not worked a healthy and complete program from the beginning. Up until very recently - and I mean in just a couple of weeks before I started to go to these meetings - they were ran under a sick leadership. There was abstinence, but no one had any real program they were working. The one leading the meetings had thrown out the Basic Text and was using the Big Book from AA.
I feel very privileged to be able to come in when some people who care enough to want to get a healthy fellowship back in the forefront chose to do it at the time I came in. The relationships and friendships coming from these people who have real clean time, work the program and have done all the step-work have been a huge benefit to me. I could see the "side of the room" I needed before I even found out this information. The "side of the room" was getting clear when my sponsor became my sponsor and I understood even never having worked the steps before and never a prior program could see she was lacking in so many ways. It wasn't until I had changed the "side of the room" - changed the relationships that I began to understand the original group of the fellowship had been sick for quite some time.
I'm being surrounded by those relationships now that are serious about recovery and what it takes to get there. The vamp is beginning to distance herself and realizing she does not have a complete recovery even after two years of clean-time. I still have my hand out to her in case she needs an ear or a shoulder, but I feel my energy being renewed in ways that are beneficial to me rather than feeling like I have another child, this one to redirect bad energies from. However, she's not my child - mine are grown - on their own - and have turned out quite well. They have such positive energies of their own.
The reason I tell that story is how I think my HP has already been working for me without knowing why yet. Not entirely anyway. I've gained a lot on the power of HP and how the guidance is supposed to work. Even before I asked her to be my sponsor my gut was telling me different. I was also trying to find someone online. Whenever I went back to the f2f sponsorship with her...the feeling of simple resignation and of something being "wrong" had set in knowing she wasn't right for me, but she was all I had.
That stress level of that feeling (and several other heavy-stress things going on at the same time) helped lead me into making my second to the last bad choice with the week long run of Ultram. I knew it was a bad sponsor/sponsee relationship, but I didn't think it as an HP driving that feeling of unrest. It was a poisonous relationship and though my HP did not tell me to use...it allowed me to make that choice and learn from it. It still feels awkward to think that's what may have been happening...an HP already driving some guidance home. As soon as I let her go - those feelings went away.
Your own introspective thoughts on yourself, freya - it only compounds my thoughts that people can and should reevaluate who they are and finding that balance of what makes them whole. Who am I to talk, though? I'm still trying to find the beginning of that! But it's also something I've taken to doing for myself. I don't necessarily like what I've found yet...still looking for some balance in connecting the dots in my own psyche. I know what I am now - and what I once was...but how do I make the once was find it's place in my recovery for who I am now? I don't necessarily like that person that once was. I like that one suppressed...a lot. As for right now - I can be kind and forgiving - or I can hand someone their proverbial nuts on a silver platter. I would rather that someone keep their nuts, but it's part of what makes me me.
I really hope I'm not sounding like someone whose only trying to make sense here. I really feel like I can relate to things ideas and the whole HP thing. It's where I need the most work right now. I'm so glad you brought it up and how it can relate to other people. It couldn't have come at a better time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1892609
I have a lot of confusion yet about the whole HP thing, but I think I'm beginning to get it. Not nearly in it's entirety, but closer than I was even yesterday.
The whole vampire thing. Some people tend to hang on someone who seems to "have it" so completely because it's something they want. When I told my f2f ex-sponsor she just wasn't what I needed she said she was good with it. People do that. I'm not sure she really was ok with it. I felt my own energy I was using to try and just get a grip on not using (forget recovery - just get past freakin' using) being pulled away by what it felt like a need she was trying to fill. This was turning into a dangerous relationship. This friendship was turning into something that felt like the opposite of what it was supposed to be. It felt like she was "needing me" and my recovery to gain experience in sponsoring someone, but she really didn't know how. I didn't feel like being guinea pig for this. She lost another sponsee for the same reasons I found out later.
Now...I could be very wrong about that...but when I shared this with a couple of other people and I described it as feeling like poison to me and what I was trying to accomplish no one laughed. It doesn't seem to be me. This is someone, after-all, who took me to a bar in my first week of going to an NA meeting. I was still in fresh w/d the first time. Granted I could have - should have - refused, but I didn't. This is someone who has not worked a healthy and complete program from the beginning. Up until very recently - and I mean in just a couple of weeks before I started to go to these meetings - they were ran under a sick leadership. There was abstinence, but no one had any real program they were working. The one leading the meetings had thrown out the Basic Text and was using the Big Book from AA.
I feel very privileged to be able to come in when some people who care enough to want to get a healthy fellowship back in the forefront chose to do it at the time I came in. The relationships and friendships coming from these people who have real clean time, work the program and have done all the step-work have been a huge benefit to me. I could see the "side of the room" I needed before I even found out this information. The "side of the room" was getting clear when my sponsor became my sponsor and I understood even never having worked the steps before and never a prior program could see she was lacking in so many ways. It wasn't until I had changed the "side of the room" - changed the relationships that I began to understand the original group of the fellowship had been sick for quite some time.
I'm being surrounded by those relationships now that are serious about recovery and what it takes to get there. The vamp is beginning to distance herself and realizing she does not have a complete recovery even after two years of clean-time. I still have my hand out to her in case she needs an ear or a shoulder, but I feel my energy being renewed in ways that are beneficial to me rather than feeling like I have another child, this one to redirect bad energies from. However, she's not my child - mine are grown - on their own - and have turned out quite well. They have such positive energies of their own.
The reason I tell that story is how I think my HP has already been working for me without knowing why yet. Not entirely anyway. I've gained a lot on the power of HP and how the guidance is supposed to work. Even before I asked her to be my sponsor my gut was telling me different. I was also trying to find someone online. Whenever I went back to the f2f sponsorship with her...the feeling of simple resignation and of something being "wrong" had set in knowing she wasn't right for me, but she was all I had.
That stress level of that feeling (and several other heavy-stress things going on at the same time) helped lead me into making my second to the last bad choice with the week long run of Ultram. I knew it was a bad sponsor/sponsee relationship, but I didn't think it as an HP driving that feeling of unrest. It was a poisonous relationship and though my HP did not tell me to use...it allowed me to make that choice and learn from it. It still feels awkward to think that's what may have been happening...an HP already driving some guidance home. As soon as I let her go - those feelings went away.
Your own introspective thoughts on yourself, freya - it only compounds my thoughts that people can and should reevaluate who they are and finding that balance of what makes them whole. Who am I to talk, though? I'm still trying to find the beginning of that! But it's also something I've taken to doing for myself. I don't necessarily like what I've found yet...still looking for some balance in connecting the dots in my own psyche. I know what I am now - and what I once was...but how do I make the once was find it's place in my recovery for who I am now? I don't necessarily like that person that once was. I like that one suppressed...a lot. As for right now - I can be kind and forgiving - or I can hand someone their proverbial nuts on a silver platter. I would rather that someone keep their nuts, but it's part of what makes me me.
I really hope I'm not sounding like someone whose only trying to make sense here. I really feel like I can relate to things ideas and the whole HP thing. It's where I need the most work right now. I'm so glad you brought it up and how it can relate to other people. It couldn't have come at a better time.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
whiskerkissed:
You make A LOT of sense. Thanks so much for sharing what you're working on right now. And it sounds like you are really blessed with a strong intuition and connection to HP -- and, maybe even more importantly, you seem to have enough self-esteem and confidence to trust that and, based on what I personally know about myself and from what I've heard from others in the rooms, it's probably not even possible to overstate how vital any of those things are to strong recovery and good life.
As I said, I'm working on some of the same things in terms of the people to whom I'm willing to give me energy...and it is both hard and sad when that ends up meaning that I have to, in some sense, leave those people behind....and I have to feel those sad feelings but not let them keep me from doing what I know I need to do. I just came back from a great (AA) meeting and -- what a "coincidence"!!! -- the topic was "half-measuring it!" And it was perfect because it really validated some decisions I've made -- in terms of 1) If people are not growing, then they're going; 2) It's not conducive to my own continued growth to spend too much time with people who are living that way; and 3) Those people have a HP, too, and their HP will help them when they are ready to be helped, so there is truly no good reason for me to sacrifice any part of my recovery, however seemingly small, in order to "play God" for them.
As far as the "understanding HP" goes -- as I indicated earlier, I truly don't believe that's possible -- at least not for human beings in this life/on this plain. I try to be very, very aware that my little working theory is nothing more than that -- a model for a reality that I can never totally grasp -- let alone capture in language -- and that seems to work for me at the moment in terms of a metaphor for how HP works in my life. In the past, I have really gotten myself into terrible (emotional/spiritual bottom) trouble by assuming that I should be able to understand HP and HP's plan.
That certainly doesn't mean I don't try to work toward greater understanding and greater connection, because I do....but for me, accepting my human limitations in this area is just as important as continuing to work on it.
I've posted a couple of times elsewhere about this speaker I heard awhile back -- Nando Parado -- he is a survivor of the early 70's Andes Mountain plane crash. He has a very strong, palpable belief in/connection to HP (that he calls God). Anyways, after his talk someone in the audience asked him how it was possible that, after everything he'd been through, he could still believe and how did he justify to himself that fact that "God" had "done that to him." And he just said, very calmly and quietly, "I would have no use for a God that I could understand."
I also really like Melody Beattie (Codependent No More): "Beyond all else, God has shown me that how I come to understand God is not nearly as important as my knowing that God understands me."
And Scott Lee (excellent AA speaker from Nashville, Tenn.): "God is not lost, so He doesn't need to be found. In searching for Him what we find is ourselves."
freya
You make A LOT of sense. Thanks so much for sharing what you're working on right now. And it sounds like you are really blessed with a strong intuition and connection to HP -- and, maybe even more importantly, you seem to have enough self-esteem and confidence to trust that and, based on what I personally know about myself and from what I've heard from others in the rooms, it's probably not even possible to overstate how vital any of those things are to strong recovery and good life.
As I said, I'm working on some of the same things in terms of the people to whom I'm willing to give me energy...and it is both hard and sad when that ends up meaning that I have to, in some sense, leave those people behind....and I have to feel those sad feelings but not let them keep me from doing what I know I need to do. I just came back from a great (AA) meeting and -- what a "coincidence"!!! -- the topic was "half-measuring it!" And it was perfect because it really validated some decisions I've made -- in terms of 1) If people are not growing, then they're going; 2) It's not conducive to my own continued growth to spend too much time with people who are living that way; and 3) Those people have a HP, too, and their HP will help them when they are ready to be helped, so there is truly no good reason for me to sacrifice any part of my recovery, however seemingly small, in order to "play God" for them.
As far as the "understanding HP" goes -- as I indicated earlier, I truly don't believe that's possible -- at least not for human beings in this life/on this plain. I try to be very, very aware that my little working theory is nothing more than that -- a model for a reality that I can never totally grasp -- let alone capture in language -- and that seems to work for me at the moment in terms of a metaphor for how HP works in my life. In the past, I have really gotten myself into terrible (emotional/spiritual bottom) trouble by assuming that I should be able to understand HP and HP's plan.
That certainly doesn't mean I don't try to work toward greater understanding and greater connection, because I do....but for me, accepting my human limitations in this area is just as important as continuing to work on it.
I've posted a couple of times elsewhere about this speaker I heard awhile back -- Nando Parado -- he is a survivor of the early 70's Andes Mountain plane crash. He has a very strong, palpable belief in/connection to HP (that he calls God). Anyways, after his talk someone in the audience asked him how it was possible that, after everything he'd been through, he could still believe and how did he justify to himself that fact that "God" had "done that to him." And he just said, very calmly and quietly, "I would have no use for a God that I could understand."
I also really like Melody Beattie (Codependent No More): "Beyond all else, God has shown me that how I come to understand God is not nearly as important as my knowing that God understands me."
And Scott Lee (excellent AA speaker from Nashville, Tenn.): "God is not lost, so He doesn't need to be found. In searching for Him what we find is ourselves."
freya
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Thank you !!
Originally Posted by freya
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
ANYBODY HOME????????
Oh, ROBBY, where are you???????
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
ANYBODY HOME????????
Oh, ROBBY, where are you???????
Hey freya,
:sorry
actually i'm just off line until end of next week that is until Sept 19.... and i just logged on by chance and saw you're post. My personal life got real busy and my online life slowed down.... it just happened like that....
the thread is not dead [!!!] thanks for caring and sorry for my slowness these past three weeks.... sincerely, thank you my friends
:ghug2
love as always,
Robby
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
My personal life got real busy and my online life slowed down.... it just happened like that....
the thread is not dead [!!!] thanks for caring and sorry for my slowness these past three weeks.... sincerely, thank you my friends
:ghug2
love as always,
Robby
the thread is not dead [!!!] thanks for caring and sorry for my slowness these past three weeks.... sincerely, thank you my friends
:ghug2
love as always,
Robby
love,
freya
Real life does happen to us all...now and thenMember
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 84
I want to save everything now. Alcohol, a total disaster, I wanted to stop feelings, I used alcohol as a dam. Being suicidal, having panic attacks, low self-esteem, all that stuff I wanted to cover up from myself. Little did I know that in the morning it would all be there again. I started looking for treatment this month, I'm eager to do well in university, I know I'm finally over this crap.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by OXFORD
I want to save everything now. Alcohol, a total disaster, I wanted to stop feelings, I used alcohol as a dam. Being suicidal, having panic attacks, low self-esteem, all that stuff I wanted to cover up from myself. Little did I know that in the morning it would all be there again. I started looking for treatment this month, I'm eager to do well in university, I know I'm finally over this crap.
ROCK ON !! OXFORD !!
Robby
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
ROCK ON !! OXFORD !!
Robby
Robby
I wanted to find a good singular hug emoticon, still couldn't do it.
I'm going to be very happy if the hospital calls me back and gives me an assessment next week.
mary 77
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Minneaplois Minn
Posts: 8
ofxford group
:bounce i know that bill w was in that group an the group catholic base
an so after.People wanted to believe in some thing eles your higher power can be the group. My spritiul is jesus christ oxford group still exixts to day
an so after.People wanted to believe in some thing eles your higher power can be the group. My spritiul is jesus christ oxford group still exixts to day
Last edited by mary77; 09-21-2008 at 07:11 PM. Reason: more to add
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Life Is Sweeeeet !!
Totally sweeeet and I am grateful to the very bottom of the darkest corners of my heart of hearts. i started this thread hopeful in a desire to rekindle my life and re-join within a fellowship of brothers and sisters who share a like minded love to live simply, honestly, and wholesomely day after day after day. So much solid goodness has happened in my personal life to affirm this thread i simply cannot think it coincidence or undirected fate, and so i am a happy man.
i do believe in a Higher Power. i have not always been so believing and faith has not always been warm and fuzy for me but in some of the darkest times of my life [as was when i joined up here on SR] i have struggled on knowing that others here struggled also. We all share common purpose and in our purpose is a strength that totally overcomes even the most dire circumstances if we just give ourselves a chance to be all that we can be for ourselves and each other. Just an honest chance is needed, and the rest flows, it really, really does folks. Never give up!
Throughout some of my posts on SR are little bits and pieces of my life as it was, and is, and as i would like it to be. I am a private person methinks and i take great care in revealing my inner self to others. i feel warmly loved, respected, befriended, and trusted by the fellowship here at SR. I am grateful and humbled by all who fellowship with others here in our community. We are saving lives day in and day out. We are saving our own lives as well!
How awesome is that !?! ~LOL~
i have not been drunk or stoned since the summer of 1981. That's a long time of recovery and i know it as a life i most dearly love. It does not need to be said that i know how to keep myself clean and sober no matter what life gives me or takes away from me, but i will say it anyways because it is still my choices that keep me sober and its my choices that keep me posting on SR just like anyone else.
The honest truth though is having these many years of recovery enthused with my life experiences and whatnot and i'm not really here as much to "learn" to be sober as i am to "share" my sobriety within our fellowship. As such it marks me as an "old timer" ~LOL~ It all works well for me!
Perhaps some of us old timers could start our own threads together.... perhaps we could pool our talents and resources for the common good... just thinkin' out loud....
Sobreity can only be lived one day at a time and so we are all humbled by our common goals and achievments! YaY!!
Rock On!!
:ghug2
RobbyRobot
i do believe in a Higher Power. i have not always been so believing and faith has not always been warm and fuzy for me but in some of the darkest times of my life [as was when i joined up here on SR] i have struggled on knowing that others here struggled also. We all share common purpose and in our purpose is a strength that totally overcomes even the most dire circumstances if we just give ourselves a chance to be all that we can be for ourselves and each other. Just an honest chance is needed, and the rest flows, it really, really does folks. Never give up!
Throughout some of my posts on SR are little bits and pieces of my life as it was, and is, and as i would like it to be. I am a private person methinks and i take great care in revealing my inner self to others. i feel warmly loved, respected, befriended, and trusted by the fellowship here at SR. I am grateful and humbled by all who fellowship with others here in our community. We are saving lives day in and day out. We are saving our own lives as well!
How awesome is that !?! ~LOL~
i have not been drunk or stoned since the summer of 1981. That's a long time of recovery and i know it as a life i most dearly love. It does not need to be said that i know how to keep myself clean and sober no matter what life gives me or takes away from me, but i will say it anyways because it is still my choices that keep me sober and its my choices that keep me posting on SR just like anyone else.
The honest truth though is having these many years of recovery enthused with my life experiences and whatnot and i'm not really here as much to "learn" to be sober as i am to "share" my sobriety within our fellowship. As such it marks me as an "old timer" ~LOL~ It all works well for me!
Perhaps some of us old timers could start our own threads together.... perhaps we could pool our talents and resources for the common good... just thinkin' out loud....
Sobreity can only be lived one day at a time and so we are all humbled by our common goals and achievments! YaY!!
Rock On!!
:ghug2
RobbyRobot
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
So much solid goodness has happened in my personal life to affirm this thread i simply cannot think it coincidence or undirected fate, and so i am a happy man.
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
We all share common purpose and in our purpose is a strength that totally overcomes even the most dire circumstances if we just give ourselves a chance to be all that we can be for ourselves and each other. Just an honest chance is needed, and the rest flows, it really, really does folks. Never give up!
I've kind of made a commitment to myself (and to HP) that I am going to be just as open and honest talking about my spiritual life with others as I am in talking about other areas of my life....and that's very open and honest because I am not a very private person and pretty much always just say whatever it is I have to say that I think/feel is relevant to whatever the topic at hand is. I've been that way all my life and, in general, it's no big deal to me to just speak my truth about anything to anybody.
But since I've been working on this spirituality thing, that's been a little weird...because I find that is is really hard for me to talk to people about it. First off, I guess, because I am so very aware of how personal and subjective it is and how, ultimately, human language is really totally inadequate to expressing it. And then, also, because I am so used to being able to be so good with language and so precise and so able to, not only get my point across well and clearly, but also to being able to "win" my point if it comes down to that -- and none of that is really relevant or even makes any sense in this area....so I feel kinda "lost" and wandering when I try to talk about it, especially to anyone who's not in program and not committed to walking some kind of spiritual path. Then there's the whole issue of my feeling like I'm such a total beginner when it comes to spirituality....which is just a very unusual feeling for me and a very unusual place for me to be.
So, anyways, it's been a subject that I've kinda side-stepped with a lot of people for quite awhile...but not anymore....mostly because it's become such a huge part of who I am and "what I'm doing" (even that phrase makes very little sense in connection with it!) that I really can't honestly engage in conversation of any depth without it eventually coming up. So, anyways, it's weird -- and sometimes people look at me like I'm speaking Greek or like maybe I'm one of those crazy holy-rollers or something and that's very disconcerting to me (although why, exactly, I'm not sure because it's never bothered me to know that people were probably thinking I was uppity, or "didn't know my place," or was a rabble-rouser, or a trouble maker, or a "bad girl," or any other radical of any kind -- in fact, I've always kinda enjoyed it!)...almost like maybe somehow this spirituality thing is more radical and more threatening than any of that other stuff?????? (That's an important thought -- going to have to consider that some more, I think.)
So, like tomorrow AM I am supposed to "teach" my sister and one of my very good friends who recently has been having some serious stress/mid-life related emotional/mental crises this meditation technique that I've come up with and that is part of my own spiritual practice.....and I am feeling just so weird and crazy about doing this. Like, who am I to be doing this???? And I am so very aware that what works for me might not work for them....and that so much of whether or not anything works for anyone in this area is about their openness and their willingness much moreso than about specifically what they do or don't do as far as spiritual practice goes.....but they are in pain and I kinda said "Well, there's this thing I do that's been really helpful for me..and if you like I could show you...." and they both said "Yes," so now I'm going to do it..and, oh cr*p, I would just feel like so much more competent if maybe we could work on their writing or their savings plans instead!!!!!!!!!
..and I don't think this is making much sense...which is why it's hard for me to talk about it to begin with, right?????? UGH!!!!!! I'm going to bed!
freya
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Higher Power
My Higher Power is not something that can be seperated from my sober life. I do know that what ever i was worshiping before sobriety was no friend of mine: booze n' drugs and wasted addicts.
i am not religious and i have no rituals which must be observed. i have no needs existing outside the realm of my HP, and i have no desire to ever dump my convictions because i can't stand the heat of my own kitchens. I am my own man and i have no future if i have no past. I live in the present moment as best i can and by the time i realize i could have done better the moment has already passed and cleaning up the already spilt milk then becomes the best path moving forward.
Live and learn and the cup is best half full or better gets me through my days normally. Larger issues require prayer and sacrifice. I pray for others before i pray for myself simply because being humble requires sacrifice of the self. No distinctions are awarded in humility save one: but for the grace of God there go i
i live sharing my HP space in my heart and in my head. My spirit my HP totally owns because i have already turned over my will to Him. My thoughts and feelings are my own as are all my actions. I am free to do as i please as long as i have no one to blame but myself and no one to praise but others. i seek a simple honest life. I enjoy the changing weather and the seasons of my life. Even the storms have their rightful place. A bright love filled day is a blessing!
I am committed to open friendships and relationships with people in general and then something totally personally with a just a few individuals. i have come from far away and i have a long journey forward to path along as i go and my burdens are my own to share or not share as i choose.
I have betrayed many people in my drunk life and there is just no getting around that fact. I too have been betrayed. What goes around comes around and that is only fair. Being open and honest with friends and families is important but never just for the sake of being honest. There must be real purpose and tangible results which make a better-then-before-this outcomes and new beginings not only possible; but totally available and desirable to all inclusive. All in need are equal within the heart of the giver. None in need should be left wanting. There is always enough to go around if the gift being given is forged out of love and fellowship.
I believe in a life after this one and i seek it's path in my travels. Have a great day!
:ghug2
RobbyRobot
i am not religious and i have no rituals which must be observed. i have no needs existing outside the realm of my HP, and i have no desire to ever dump my convictions because i can't stand the heat of my own kitchens. I am my own man and i have no future if i have no past. I live in the present moment as best i can and by the time i realize i could have done better the moment has already passed and cleaning up the already spilt milk then becomes the best path moving forward.
Live and learn and the cup is best half full or better gets me through my days normally. Larger issues require prayer and sacrifice. I pray for others before i pray for myself simply because being humble requires sacrifice of the self. No distinctions are awarded in humility save one: but for the grace of God there go i
i live sharing my HP space in my heart and in my head. My spirit my HP totally owns because i have already turned over my will to Him. My thoughts and feelings are my own as are all my actions. I am free to do as i please as long as i have no one to blame but myself and no one to praise but others. i seek a simple honest life. I enjoy the changing weather and the seasons of my life. Even the storms have their rightful place. A bright love filled day is a blessing!
I am committed to open friendships and relationships with people in general and then something totally personally with a just a few individuals.
i have come from far away and i have a long journey forward to path along as i go and my burdens are my own to share or not share as i choose. I have betrayed many people in my drunk life and there is just no getting around that fact. I too have been betrayed. What goes around comes around and that is only fair. Being open and honest with friends and families is important but never just for the sake of being honest. There must be real purpose and tangible results which make a better-then-before-this outcomes and new beginings not only possible; but totally available and desirable to all inclusive. All in need are equal within the heart of the giver. None in need should be left wanting. There is always enough to go around if the gift being given is forged out of love and fellowship.
I believe in a life after this one and i seek it's path in my travels. Have a great day!
:ghug2
RobbyRobot
What beautiful words. Oh to be where you are emotionally and spiritually. Bless you Robby
Stopping the Train...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Sevierville, TN - in the valley of the Great Smoky Mountains
Posts: 978
Relationship With an HP
I haven’t totally lost track of my start on SR. I’ve been following my own recovery path right now. It’s amazing how different things begin to look when you begin to live differently. I told dh that I’ll probably end up being one of those hard-core 12-steppers as a passing joke. He wasn’t joking when he replied that’s what he sees. I’ve dove into this. My heels are dug in and determination drives me. I still have doubts at times…like…”Did I overreact in my addiction and the need for a recovery program?” or “Maybe now that I’m not actively using I can do this on my own.” I know the answer to this in my heart and my gut, but my disease likes to play head games with me.
The whole spiritual relationship thing is still something I work on. Of course…I’ve only just completed the Third Step and still need to go over it with my sponsor…but I am already noticing some differences. From the beginning it’s all simply been an action thing. Something that comes from the head and eventually a connection is supposed to be made. Something happened last week that put this on a different level and I think if it wasn’t for that tragedy of another I would still be going at it with strictly a head thing. However – I prayed from the heart for those going through this life-changing event. I did this for several days. It was honest and real. I felt a greater connection with this HP I’m still trying to grasp. Simply a greater personal power. There’s no image to this HP, no name except for it being a personal power, no place it really comes from other than outside of myself and greater than myself.
I still don’t feel a total connection and I don’t expect to for some time, but I am becoming aware. I still hold some reservations, but I act “as if” and turn it over everyday. This is still a big leap for me and I hope to be where so many have found that faith and trust in their HP as I keep working the steps. I’m still living on hope with a bit of belief in there, but there’s a lot still needing to get worked through to get there.
I have a friend who is having problems of her own. She’s been there from the beginning of my recent relapse and fast spiral down. As we were talking she finally realized she has been pushing away God as the cross around her neck just didn’t feel comfortable anymore. She is a religious God believer – I am quite God-less…but I’ve never denied anyone their belief as long as it was never pushed on me to believe the same. So we talk.
I’m not one for talking at all about the hitting my knees thing with anyone…it’s still a very uncomfortable thing for me to say. Even saying the word “praying” out loud gives me a mental shiver. I told her I hit my knees every morning and every night though…going through the action looking for that connection. Maybe she needed to do this for a simple reconnection. She was honestly surprised and moved by this simple statement of action from someone like me. Not that I couldn’t make it, but she knows how I am. I simply considered myself a God-less drug addict who just may have an HP working more than I think and I’m simply not hearing it, but offered those few words. I guess it just takes practice. Keep going through the process…keep working the steps.
That one is a biggie in the relationship dept. A relationship with an HP. A relationship with my own HP. I’m committed to it even though its still a work in progress.
The whole spiritual relationship thing is still something I work on. Of course…I’ve only just completed the Third Step and still need to go over it with my sponsor…but I am already noticing some differences. From the beginning it’s all simply been an action thing. Something that comes from the head and eventually a connection is supposed to be made. Something happened last week that put this on a different level and I think if it wasn’t for that tragedy of another I would still be going at it with strictly a head thing. However – I prayed from the heart for those going through this life-changing event. I did this for several days. It was honest and real. I felt a greater connection with this HP I’m still trying to grasp. Simply a greater personal power. There’s no image to this HP, no name except for it being a personal power, no place it really comes from other than outside of myself and greater than myself.
I still don’t feel a total connection and I don’t expect to for some time, but I am becoming aware. I still hold some reservations, but I act “as if” and turn it over everyday. This is still a big leap for me and I hope to be where so many have found that faith and trust in their HP as I keep working the steps. I’m still living on hope with a bit of belief in there, but there’s a lot still needing to get worked through to get there.
I have a friend who is having problems of her own. She’s been there from the beginning of my recent relapse and fast spiral down. As we were talking she finally realized she has been pushing away God as the cross around her neck just didn’t feel comfortable anymore. She is a religious God believer – I am quite God-less…but I’ve never denied anyone their belief as long as it was never pushed on me to believe the same. So we talk.
I’m not one for talking at all about the hitting my knees thing with anyone…it’s still a very uncomfortable thing for me to say. Even saying the word “praying” out loud gives me a mental shiver. I told her I hit my knees every morning and every night though…going through the action looking for that connection. Maybe she needed to do this for a simple reconnection. She was honestly surprised and moved by this simple statement of action from someone like me. Not that I couldn’t make it, but she knows how I am. I simply considered myself a God-less drug addict who just may have an HP working more than I think and I’m simply not hearing it, but offered those few words. I guess it just takes practice. Keep going through the process…keep working the steps.
That one is a biggie in the relationship dept. A relationship with an HP. A relationship with my own HP. I’m committed to it even though its still a work in progress.
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