Emotional growth?
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Emotional growth?
I took my driving test this morning. I’ve been illegally driving for years, but I decided now I have the money and I’m sober to try for a license.
...I failed on one ‘serious’ mistake –I failed to indicate on a busy road before turning.
I cannot stand failure, and being a junkie means I never had to. I’ve just sort of meandered thorugh life with one thing on my mind.
Something's changed though...-bites lip-
I’m angry at myself, but I know what I did wrong and I know it was perfectly fair to fail me. Normally I’d accept that it was my fault, but then have a huge tantrum anyway–break things, hurt myself, shout and then do anything I can to get completely wasted. I did start to do that, but somehow then I actually controlled myself and stopped punching the dashboard, swearing at myself and the instructor (poor bloke) and realised:
Failure makes me angry, not because of pride or anything, but because I know how good passing would’ve felt and I’ve denied myself a perfectly sober and real opportunity to feel good. I hope that makes sense?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
I’m a child of extremes. There’s never been a middle ground with me, emotionally or behaviourally. Everything is fantastic or everything is living hell. I am exceptionally impulsive and have never had any emotional intelligence; I am twenty and I reactto things like a small child. I'm always ending up in fights, hospitals and police cells...for both expressing happiness and expressing anger etc.
I think for the first time ever I’ve begun to realise some middle ground, and it’s like suddenly discovering a new room in a house you’ve lived in all your life and wondering:
1# Why haven’y you noticed this before, has it always been here?
2# What should I do with the room?
3# Do I even want a room here?
And 4# Knowing this alters my entire perspective of the house, how do I deal with that?
...Right now I’m just sort of sat in the room, in this middle ground, like I haven’t a clue what to do about this, or how to deal with it.
I don’t know whether I like this new room at all.
...I failed on one ‘serious’ mistake –I failed to indicate on a busy road before turning.
I cannot stand failure, and being a junkie means I never had to. I’ve just sort of meandered thorugh life with one thing on my mind.
Something's changed though...-bites lip-
I’m angry at myself, but I know what I did wrong and I know it was perfectly fair to fail me. Normally I’d accept that it was my fault, but then have a huge tantrum anyway–break things, hurt myself, shout and then do anything I can to get completely wasted. I did start to do that, but somehow then I actually controlled myself and stopped punching the dashboard, swearing at myself and the instructor (poor bloke) and realised:
Failure makes me angry, not because of pride or anything, but because I know how good passing would’ve felt and I’ve denied myself a perfectly sober and real opportunity to feel good. I hope that makes sense?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
I’m a child of extremes. There’s never been a middle ground with me, emotionally or behaviourally. Everything is fantastic or everything is living hell. I am exceptionally impulsive and have never had any emotional intelligence; I am twenty and I reactto things like a small child. I'm always ending up in fights, hospitals and police cells...for both expressing happiness and expressing anger etc.
I think for the first time ever I’ve begun to realise some middle ground, and it’s like suddenly discovering a new room in a house you’ve lived in all your life and wondering:
1# Why haven’y you noticed this before, has it always been here?
2# What should I do with the room?
3# Do I even want a room here?
And 4# Knowing this alters my entire perspective of the house, how do I deal with that?
...Right now I’m just sort of sat in the room, in this middle ground, like I haven’t a clue what to do about this, or how to deal with it.
I don’t know whether I like this new room at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: MN
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by tsukiko 
I took my driving test this morning. I’ve been illegally driving for years, but I decided now I have the money and I’m sober to try for a license.
...I failed on one ‘serious’ mistake –I failed to indicate on a busy road before turning.
I cannot stand failure, and being a junkie means I never had to. I’ve just sort of meandered thorugh life with one thing on my mind.
Something's changed though...-bites lip-
I’m angry at myself, but I know what I did wrong and I know it was perfectly fair to fail me. Normally I’d accept that it was my fault, but then have a huge tantrum anyway–break things, hurt myself, shout and then do anything I can to get completely wasted. I did start to do that, but somehow then I actually controlled myself and stopped punching the dashboard, swearing at myself and the instructor (poor bloke) and realised:
Failure makes me angry, not because of pride or anything, but because I know how good passing would’ve felt and I’ve denied myself a perfectly sober and real opportunity to feel good. I hope that makes sense?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
I’m a child of extremes. There’s never been a middle ground with me, emotionally or behaviourally. Everything is fantastic or everything is living hell. I am exceptionally impulsive and have never had any emotional intelligence; I am twenty and I reactto things like a small child. I'm always ending up in fights, hospitals and police cells...for both expressing happiness and expressing anger etc.
I think for the first time ever I’ve begun to realise some middle ground, and it’s like suddenly discovering a new room in a house you’ve lived in all your life and wondering:
1# Why haven’y you noticed this before, has it always been here?
2# What should I do with the room?
3# Do I even want a room here?
And 4# Knowing this alters my entire perspective of the house, how do I deal with that?
...Right now I’m just sort of sat in the room, in this middle ground, like I haven’t a clue what to do about this, or how to deal with it.
I don’t know whether I like this new room at all.
...I failed on one ‘serious’ mistake –I failed to indicate on a busy road before turning.
I cannot stand failure, and being a junkie means I never had to. I’ve just sort of meandered thorugh life with one thing on my mind.
Something's changed though...-bites lip-
I’m angry at myself, but I know what I did wrong and I know it was perfectly fair to fail me. Normally I’d accept that it was my fault, but then have a huge tantrum anyway–break things, hurt myself, shout and then do anything I can to get completely wasted. I did start to do that, but somehow then I actually controlled myself and stopped punching the dashboard, swearing at myself and the instructor (poor bloke) and realised:
Failure makes me angry, not because of pride or anything, but because I know how good passing would’ve felt and I’ve denied myself a perfectly sober and real opportunity to feel good. I hope that makes sense?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
I’m a child of extremes. There’s never been a middle ground with me, emotionally or behaviourally. Everything is fantastic or everything is living hell. I am exceptionally impulsive and have never had any emotional intelligence; I am twenty and I reactto things like a small child. I'm always ending up in fights, hospitals and police cells...for both expressing happiness and expressing anger etc.
I think for the first time ever I’ve begun to realise some middle ground, and it’s like suddenly discovering a new room in a house you’ve lived in all your life and wondering:
1# Why haven’y you noticed this before, has it always been here?
2# What should I do with the room?
3# Do I even want a room here?
And 4# Knowing this alters my entire perspective of the house, how do I deal with that?
...Right now I’m just sort of sat in the room, in this middle ground, like I haven’t a clue what to do about this, or how to deal with it.
I don’t know whether I like this new room at all.
I was in exactly the same place 13+ years ago...
Addiction tends to stop or severely ****** our emotional growth... So while we might grow intellectually, we still sit stagnant emotionally...
It took me a lot of time "Catch up" it's a long road... but a good one.
*Something I did then and continue to do now...
Everyday I wake up, I try to improve some aspect of my life by some small fraction of 1%...
Everyday... Just some tiny bit better than I was the day before...
Sure not every attempt works... That's life...
Stretch it out over a long enough time line... And you suddenly revolutionize not only your life... But you come to understand just how much you actually can do!
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Thanks. I've booked a re-sit for my test anyway and I'm back at work. Just been asked to help organise this thing called Oxjam for Oxfam early next year. I was hand picked and I'm expected to help organise venue, bands and line up, security and over see it all. Cant believe my manager picked me! She said my tempers ok because she needs someone to stand on stage and do talks about Oxfam and their work, and be able to make people listen, be able to be loud and to get take hold etc. I dont love standing on stages, but I love music, festivals, gigs , people and it sounds great. They're trying to get Annie Lenox (because she helps out with Oxfam a lot) to come along and have some celebs booked too and I've to work with them too.
Feels great to know, now I'm sober, I'm useful!
Congrats on your sobriety and thanks for the reply!
Feels great to know, now I'm sober, I'm useful!
Congrats on your sobriety and thanks for the reply!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by tsukiko
Failure makes me angry, not because of pride or anything, but because I know how good passing would’ve felt and I’ve denied myself a perfectly sober and real opportunity to feel good. I hope that makes sense?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
Maybe a part of recovery, at least for me, is accepting that sometimes I will fail, and that being sober and changing my lifestyle isn’t about suddenly doing everything right the first time?
failure a part of recovery? oh yeah again! my personal failures so litter the backways to my path omfg.
live n learn or dont try n die. 
hey kiko,
nice thread, mate. great to see you posting again, heh. rock on.
Robby
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
I d’know. Just emotionally I’m identifying or realising a lot of stuff I never really questioned or anything. This is the most sober I’ve ever been (and even ow I’ve been lying and say its ok to have coke and speed and drink because I’m not using gear). Alcohol has been my foundation since I was a child and I’ve built on that with a speed dependency and by using coke and mdma, ketimine, a lot of tranquilisers and opiates. Quitting all the add-on drugs was hard, but ok as long as I still had my foundation. Heroin replaced alcohol for me two years ago. And now I’m clean off gear I’m finding it hard to say no to to everything else.
I rely on drugs instead of people.
I also realised this morning that I’ve eaten every single pain killer in my mate’s house (without noticing). I only noticed this morning because there was nothing left.
At the same time I’m working, eating right, exercising, taking up hobbies etc. I’m functional on the outside, but now the novelty of being clean (off gear) has worn off I’m finding it hard. I’m being offered coke and drink a lot too. That’s hard.
I’m realising, or finally accepting, that being clean isn’t simply not taking a drug . All i ever seem to do is replace one with another, yet I’m not sure how to stop or how to control my cravings. My moods are a bit manic too. Not sure where I’m at at the moment.
Is it ok to be happy because I’m functioning and I’m off gear or have I just changed the setting, but remained in the same situation?
Emotional growth or just inward mind games?
I rely on drugs instead of people.
I also realised this morning that I’ve eaten every single pain killer in my mate’s house (without noticing). I only noticed this morning because there was nothing left.
At the same time I’m working, eating right, exercising, taking up hobbies etc. I’m functional on the outside, but now the novelty of being clean (off gear) has worn off I’m finding it hard. I’m being offered coke and drink a lot too. That’s hard.
I’m realising, or finally accepting, that being clean isn’t simply not taking a drug . All i ever seem to do is replace one with another, yet I’m not sure how to stop or how to control my cravings. My moods are a bit manic too. Not sure where I’m at at the moment.
Is it ok to be happy because I’m functioning and I’m off gear or have I just changed the setting, but remained in the same situation?
Emotional growth or just inward mind games?
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by tsukiko
I rely on drugs instead of people.
Is it ok to be happy because I’m functioning and I’m off gear or have I just changed the setting, but remained in the same situation?
Emotional growth or just inward mind games?
**************************************
kiko,
i am puzzled. i adore you. you f ucking know i do. and you and i already back channelled some pm's about friendships, so help me out please. remember, you told me that you can be as tough as needed, and as your friend i can speak up right? not to worry right?
are you really asking for something here? i hope you are because i'm going to get right in your face, my young friend.
i've never shot up because i just didn't see it as smart thinking. no using is smart of course, but shooting is like, really f ucking dumb, to me, ok. i've used with junkies and i know what is what. the thrill is gone pretty quick as the nod eats up the clock ticks, and frankly if your kicking heroin, its because your not sure you can shoot and live anymore. yes, time to quit.
and you're asking if you can be happy about not using the gear? hello?
still with me? alright lets drop the other shoe....
"Emotional growth or just inward mind games?" -- you're pullin my chain right?!!
i gonna f ucking hurl, you know that?! ummm, did you find a way to turn off the mind game machine? cuzz if you did, what are you asking then? and if you didn't what are you asking then? what? is it me? help me out here?
emotional growth? hey, baby, your off the gear.... ummm yup, you growed up so much i could not be more proud. how the f uck could i be more proud?? no more f uckin gear??? of course be happy, please be happy. i'm happy about it!! f uck me, your off the gear so then get f ucking happy!!! hello?
ok. i prolly gonna get some heat from this post -- that i'm ragging you sumthing awful -- and i could have done a pm and saved my sorry azz, but i didn't because i don't want to lose your friendship in a private debate.
and the more eyes on this thread the f ucking better.... heh heh heh
love you kiko,
Robby
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Robby, I'll re-read your post when I'm sober. I just got out of an effing police cell (again) and I'm still drunk silly. Bad night last night. I'll reply properly in a few hours, need to get myself a bit straight. But why would I rag you? You post says you care...hell, the fact you posted says you care, and you're being honest...be a bigger fool than even I am to hate you for any of those things, man. I got to go for a few hours though, work out what the hell I've done. Ill see ya' in a bit, sorry.
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
I d’know if its cause I’m not entirely sober or something else, but I don’t get what your post Robby. –laughs- I ain’t going to get offended by your post...hell, people are always shouting at me (I’m always doing something to make ‘em), but to be fair you ain’t even done that. All I can say to you over your post is an honest thanks for being there...
What I meant by my post was that how can I be happy I’m clean when the only reason I’m clean is that:
1# I can’t score here ...lord knows I’ve tried.
2# I’m replacing gear with drink, coke and speed.
It’s like that means I have no right to be happy, that’d just be kidding myself in to believing I’ve achieved anything.
...It’s ironic cause being off gear means I’m learning to emotionally identify so much, yet all it is leading me to is the conclusion that I haven’t learnt’ an effing thing.
I thought I was growing. But i was kidding myself. It’s not growth it’s just an act and the mask slips.
Last night I had a run in with the neighbours. Normally the second someone puts their finger in my face I’d tell them once then just smack them. Instead I listened to what the neighbour said then I said ‘Ok, you’ve spoken now its my turn. Maybe I can clear some of this up’ and the guy started screaming again. I thought I handled it best I could but I was so damn angry. Its like through not smacking this fool I let him treat me like that. I sent the message to him that it was ok for him to be screaming at me and making me feel angry.
I was still angry hours later in a bar with mates. I didn’t say anything to them ‘bout it, and had a real good night, but I have a real bad temper. If I can’t remember what I’ve done, what triggered my actions or how I ended up doing something stupid how can I stop it? All I know is that one minute I was with my mates in a club next thing I’m in a police station. Then they’re waking me up and giving me a lift to my mum’s house. I don’t have a clue why or whether I asked for a lift there or even giving them the address. I haven’t seen her in ages. So my mum comes out and I just burst in to tears because she’s staring at the daughter she hasn’t seen in ages (and chose to be estranged from) being let out the back of a police van, still drunk, at 10am in the morning. I tried to leave and she followed me. I thinkI told her I’m a junkie as well, but don’t know for sure. Anyway she chased me over a mile. I didn’t even know whether she was trying to stop me from running or just chasing me away.
Now the mate I currently live with has gone somewhere to get away from me I figure. My brother is going to loathe me ‘cause he got arrested too because of me and I ruined his night (and these sort of things have happened before). The neighbours have put formal complaints in against me. I’ve spent over a hundred quid I didn’t have. I don’t know who else I’ve upset or hurt or even what happened.
I’d happily pretend nothing happened, that’s usually what I do but that usually just p!sses the other people (who were involved) off more. They always want to talk about it. It’s over. I am sorry, but even I can admit apologising doesn’t mean much...not coming from me. So what do they want me to say, to do? They don’t want to forget it, they never do, but nothing resolves it. Y’know.
I don’t know how to make everything better. I never have. What the hell is Emotional growth? What the hell is recovery?
The only thing I can honestly say I know I’ve learnt is that I haven’t learnt a thing.
What I meant by my post was that how can I be happy I’m clean when the only reason I’m clean is that:
1# I can’t score here ...lord knows I’ve tried.
2# I’m replacing gear with drink, coke and speed.
It’s like that means I have no right to be happy, that’d just be kidding myself in to believing I’ve achieved anything.
...It’s ironic cause being off gear means I’m learning to emotionally identify so much, yet all it is leading me to is the conclusion that I haven’t learnt’ an effing thing.
I thought I was growing. But i was kidding myself. It’s not growth it’s just an act and the mask slips.
Last night I had a run in with the neighbours. Normally the second someone puts their finger in my face I’d tell them once then just smack them. Instead I listened to what the neighbour said then I said ‘Ok, you’ve spoken now its my turn. Maybe I can clear some of this up’ and the guy started screaming again. I thought I handled it best I could but I was so damn angry. Its like through not smacking this fool I let him treat me like that. I sent the message to him that it was ok for him to be screaming at me and making me feel angry.
I was still angry hours later in a bar with mates. I didn’t say anything to them ‘bout it, and had a real good night, but I have a real bad temper. If I can’t remember what I’ve done, what triggered my actions or how I ended up doing something stupid how can I stop it? All I know is that one minute I was with my mates in a club next thing I’m in a police station. Then they’re waking me up and giving me a lift to my mum’s house. I don’t have a clue why or whether I asked for a lift there or even giving them the address. I haven’t seen her in ages. So my mum comes out and I just burst in to tears because she’s staring at the daughter she hasn’t seen in ages (and chose to be estranged from) being let out the back of a police van, still drunk, at 10am in the morning. I tried to leave and she followed me. I thinkI told her I’m a junkie as well, but don’t know for sure. Anyway she chased me over a mile. I didn’t even know whether she was trying to stop me from running or just chasing me away.
Now the mate I currently live with has gone somewhere to get away from me I figure. My brother is going to loathe me ‘cause he got arrested too because of me and I ruined his night (and these sort of things have happened before). The neighbours have put formal complaints in against me. I’ve spent over a hundred quid I didn’t have. I don’t know who else I’ve upset or hurt or even what happened.
I’d happily pretend nothing happened, that’s usually what I do but that usually just p!sses the other people (who were involved) off more. They always want to talk about it. It’s over. I am sorry, but even I can admit apologising doesn’t mean much...not coming from me. So what do they want me to say, to do? They don’t want to forget it, they never do, but nothing resolves it. Y’know.
I don’t know how to make everything better. I never have. What the hell is Emotional growth? What the hell is recovery?
The only thing I can honestly say I know I’ve learnt is that I haven’t learnt a thing.
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
kiko,
thank you for letting me in, kiko.
Robby
thank you for letting me in, kiko.
Robby
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by tsukiko
-Laughs- You're always welcome in Robby, I'm just surprised you dare enter. I've spent the last ten + years trying to effing get out o.o
let's get out together then ~~ theres always a path out, ok?!! seriously now then. please. none of us can do this alone. none of us. please, kiko. if i'm in then lets rock.
robby
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
