RufusACanal

navysteve,

Welcome to SR and to you Rita! Major decisions are those things that if they can be avoided, should be avoided; especially new emotional relationships. As a newly recovering man or woman you are discovering self for the first time; why cheat yourself or others? Best to you both.

navysteve

I appreciate the thought but, we in AA go too far with telling new people about decisions. If we are placing our lives in Gods hands then we are fine. I choose to trust an infinite God rather than the flawed logic of finite man.

splendra

rita, rita, rita it is only temporary.

RufusACanal

navysteve,

I appreciate your response. How does an infinte God communicate to the newcomer the ESH that is required to guide if not by the men and women who have gone before? Active Navy or pass service? Thanks

navysteve

I agree that it works best with an AA sponsor. The problem is that an AA sponsor is hard to find in AA. You can work the steps without a sponsor. I am active Navy. The second best mistake in my life. Joined when I was 5 years sober ( actually it was a state of mind I call stark raving sober!!!!). I had no job skills, a bad employment history. Turned out to be a huge blessing. God does not need a human to intervene with the willing.

RufusACanal

MSSN from 75 to 79,,,zero maturity and no common sense. I look forward to more of your shares Steve. Ron

lizw

I'm quoting the above because it's pretty funny. It made me laugh out loud. It's true in a terrible kind of way, bearing in mind I am neither Rachel Hunter nor Mother Teresa. I think sober and working my program I would probably rank myself at about human being level now - on a good day.

I been sober 9 years 11 months and have had two relationships with 2 different guys both who were in recovery also, I am also 30 years old so I really understand the age thing.

First guy I got kicked out of treatment with, both of us relapsed but then eventually got sober but we wanted different things in life so it ended after about 3.5 years.

Second guy I met in AA. Took him ages to get sober and we were friends first. That relationship lasted about 4 years and ended again because we wanted different things.

I did not DRINK over any of these relationships. I think a lot of false information is given out and labeled 'AA'. But that said in the book Living Sober it is suggested we avoid emotional entanglements for a period of time - and we all know what page in the BB talks about sex. (69 for those naive ones and if you don't believe me - look it up. 3rd edition)

I don't think relationships send people drinking but what I do think is our heads will tell us that is why we've drunk - but it's an untrue statement.

One thing I would suggest though is don't hook up with the guy at the recovery house while your both residents. I had to go back and make amends to the guy who chucked me and my bloke outta treatment because I abused him despite the fact that I knew I was breaking the rules. Can't say I looked forward to that one but I did it.

I say that because you don't want to start your recovery by creating more 'wreckage of your past'.

Get a sponsor to work the steps with, get a home group and get invovled in service and regardless of what happens with the guy you'll be okay.

Ananda

Yep - i never have and never will get drunk over a man....i'll get drunk over me.....and i don't even have to do that.

may we all find and follow our spiritual path!

NoelleR

"...How does an infinte God communicate to the newcomer the ESH that is required to guide if not by the men and women who have gone before?..." --- how about.....it's in da book (the BB and the Good Book).....lol

Hey navysteve, you wrote....: "...The problem is that an AA sponsor is hard to find in AA..." --- is this some kind of inside joke, and I just didn't see the beginning? Or.....did you actually find it hard to find a sponsor? Cause if that's the case, that's a real shame.

Silly old person here needing some clarification.....lol


NoelleR

kj3880

Noelle,
Really, do you find that hard to believe? I and a lot of the other girls in my area, and on here, are having a very tough time finding an NA sponsor right now that has more than a year clean, has worked the steps, and has time for a new person. I have tried one sponsor who violated my anonymity by telling my young teen son about my addiction after I asked her not to do so. So I'm crazy and clean right now. I am calling another woman today about this, I got her number from a guy at NA meeting last night. I heard it was somewhat easier in AA, so I tried that too, but no luck so far. One lady did buy me coffee and offer to be my sponsor from AA, she was a really sweet nice gal, but she relapsed the very next weekend after we had coffee...it really seems like women in my area with a quality recovery are at a low.
kj

navysteve

That is a problem right there. IF they don't have time to help a new person, then they probably do not have much to offer. We keep what we have only by being too busy to help the new person I guess????

I am sorry that you are having that problem Kj, hate to say it, I had the same problem in NA, that is why I have an AA sponsor, that is not a slam, that is self preservation. I got sick of sponsors who wouldn't answer the phone and when they did didn't have time to talk. My sponsor never did drugs, yet we work together fine, if the drugs are simply a manifestation of a bigger disease then why does it matter?

I want his spirituality, not his story. In NA I hear it over and over again that what we used was ot the problem, yet I hear over and over again when Itell people I have an A sponsor " that wouldn't work for me because alcohol wasn't a problem, I could take it or leave it"

navysteve

No joke at all, have lived all over and found the same thing in every area. The biggest secret in AA seems to be the Big Book itself.

I believe that a real AA sponsor is the minority in the rooms today, I see it in every meeting I go to ( AA and NA). Instead of guiding people through the steps at their pace ( fast or slow) sponsor spout off party line rhetoric

That isn't in my Big Book. Maybe that chapter got tore out. My book talks abut Bill Wilson having a spiritual awakening in his hospital bed, my Big Book talks about Dr Bob making amends on day 2 of his sobriety? My Big Book even says it is better to meet God alone than with someone who might misunderstand ( pg 63) It also suggests taking the 3rd step with our spouse, an understanding person or spiritual advisor ( same pg) share that in a meeting sometime and see the response you get...
Page 74 ( talking about the fifth step here):

Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often such a person quick to see and understand our problem. How many sponsors suggest that to their sponsees????

I am not saying that others aren't important, I have a sponsor, I don't call him when I am jammed up, I find a newcomer, that is what my Big Book tells me to do. My Big Book taught me to place reliance on infinite God rather than finite man, why can't it do that for newcomers????? Oh yeah, their sponsors get in the way

Puddy

Why no dating for awhile? Here's a real simple answer in real time -

I would say because my female roomate (wife's sponsee) is in jail today after relapsing last night (she had about 100 days sober). She fought my wife tooth and nail on the "no dating for a year" thing-in part, I believe- because all the scumbag AA chicken-hawks kept floating around her and she lost her priority. "Let's go get some dinner after the meeting" "I'm the nice guy who understands". The usual tavern behavior, only in an AA meeting.

She was booked into jail this morning after drinking all night and assaulting her sister and her sister's family, but my wife and I are sober. That's all that matters to me.

Girls, close your legs for a year, do the steps and hang with the other girls, and become a lady and find out who you even are before you hit the dating circuit.

Guys, leave the girls with under a year the **** alone. Are you trying to live by spiritual principles and stay sober? Here's a start - let the crazy newcomer girl heal. And bonus! You'll actually become a gentleman, probably for the first time. I had to learn that myself. I was never more full of **** than when I was "the guy who understands" to the girls in the bars.

navysteve

Why not just simply, work the steps????? Do we wait a year and not work the steps?
Do we work the steps at our sponsors time table??? "No, I don't think you are ready, re-read chapter one of the 12 and 12 then be prepared for an oral quiz." That is a sad story Puddy, I am not trying to minimize it, I have been sober quite a while and have watched the same thing happen to many folks with well over a year, waiting a year is not a solution, working the steps is...

Oh, and the behavior that you are pointing out is not only done by male chicken hawks, I was 13th stepped by a woman with double digit sodriety when I was very very new, I didn't relapse over it. Of course people in the rooms over the years have minimized that by saying that it is different for men. I wonder where they all get their psych degrees????

Making no major decisions in the first year is crap....

We turned our will and life over to the care of God as we understand him. Do we have to wait a year before our almighty sponsor allows us to do this???

I do agree with you about this, anyone with time in the rooms that would prey upon a newcomer who is still sick is obviously still sick themselves, they deserve your pity however more than your anger, because they too, are obvously very very sick.

Ananda

I was told by my sponsor to just keep my focus on the steps....no one year rule, not be through the 4th step rule....just stay focused on the steps.

Also - just curious - I have not yet heard one person who said I came to the program single....I fell head over heals for someone AND THEY FOR ME....I decided that I would wait till I had a year and turned down the opportuinty to date this guy/girl. I then waited till I had a year to date and I'm glad and happy that I did.

I'm sure they must exist...just havent hear it from the horses mouth so to speak.

however, the person who started this post was, i believe, in a sober living place where the no relationship thing was one of the rules to live there...that is sorta a horse of a different color.

navysteve

Absolutely a different color.

rita123

Glad to be a horse!! Things are going well thank you!

Ananda

hey rita! glad to see you. Hope to see you around the threads! and hope things are going well for you....please let us know.

TTOSBT

My exact thoughts!
Rita, I am so glad that you are willing to hear these posts and give it some thought. You have the rest of your life. You deserve this time for you!!!

sct

That's pretty much it for me too. I have been clean for six months- by no means abstinent (that's actually another bad behavior of mine- another way to mood regulate, silly addict- if it feels good, I want more of it.)- but I've found that when I am focused on my steps, and really working my program- I want to take better care of myself, in all ways. Which means re-evaluating how I look at relationships and addressing my issues with them, and actually thinking about my motives first. At this point- halfway through a year in recovery, I'm clear headed enough to realize I'm STILL in no position to sanely date anyone.

And that's ok. I'm learning to address my own issues without dragging other people into them. The mortgage on my bullsh*t is in my name only.