Building Healthy Self-Esteem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
Building Healthy Self-Esteem
Low Self-esteem can be the cause of many problems, from drug or alcohol abuse to marital issues. By boosting your self esteem, you can increase your odds of staying on your recovery track.
How to Build Self Esteem
There are many ways you can build your self esteem. You can start by trying to maintain a positive outlook and remembering that YOU are in control. If you are feeling down about yourself or a behavior or characteristic, you have the power to change yourself.
Ways You Can Improve Your Self-esteem:
1. Review you strengths and achievements. Make a list of the things you are good at. It can be anything from knowing how to hook up a stereo system or playing basketball to being a good speller. We have all struggled to learn something and we have all accomplished something, big or small. Make a list of your achievements and think of ways you can use and develop your strengths and skills in other situations.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others. If you are focusing on people you think are "better" than you, it will only set you up for more negative thoughts and even lower self-esteem. No one is perfect. On the other hand, by noting the characteristics or behaviors of people you admire, you can try to develop those same characteristics in yourself.
3. Don't be a doormat: Learn how to say No. You don't have to say yes to everything people ask of you. Start to develop boundaries and accept that it is perfectly OK to say no. If you don't acknowledge your needs and desires, no one else will. It leaves the door open for people to take advantage of you. If you can learn to say no sometimes, you are telling yourself you have value.
4. Lean how to accept compliments. It's great to receive compliments. Accept them graciously. Just say thank you and smile. If you dismiss compliments or ignore them, you are giving the message that you are not worthy of them. In the future people may be less likely to compliment you if they think you are just going to brush them off.
5. Associate with positive people. Being around people who are positive and supportive will help you feel better about yourself. If you surround yourself with negative people, they may influence your own attitude or put you or your ideas down. Find time for your friends. Stay in touch, whether by phone or e-mail. Having a network of positive, supportive friends can be a great source of support.
6. Celebrate your own special qualities. Make a list of qualities that you like about yourself, such as having a sense of humor, being a thoughtful person, having patience, being good with kids, etc. If you are having a hard time with your list, ask some close friends. You may be surprised with what they come up with. When you are having a bad day and feeling down, bring out this list and reaffirm yourself.
7. Stay Active. Exercise gets those endorphins flowing and helps promote a more positive attitude. Besides, when you look good and feel healthy, you feel more positive about yourself. You don't have to go to the gym if it is not your thing. There are lots of fun activities you can do to stay fit or active. Try walking your dog, going swimming, or any other activity you enjoy.
8. Take care of your physical appearance. This does not mean to obsess about your looks! Wear something you like and that you know looks good on you. Get a haircut. Stand tall. It is amazing how your posture can reflect on the way you feel. When you slump and shuffle along, you tend to feel the way you look. When you stand straight and walk with confidence, this gives you an immediate boost. Try it and see!
9. Distance yourself from people who are negative or overly critical. Or resolve not to let them bother you. Some people see the glass as half empty. Try to turn off those critical voices in your head putting out all that negative energy—that includes yours, too. It is hard to develop self esteem when you keep putting yourself down. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to learn from them rather than keep punishing yourself for them.
10. Try to do nice things for other people. (This doesn't mean you can't say "no" sometimes when people ask you for a favor). When you do something nice for someone, it makes you feel good, and that helps increase your self-worth and self-esteem.
The important thing is, take action, even if it is only a baby step. You have the power to change your life, one step at a time. When you start feeling better about yourself, your self confidence and self esteem will skyrocket.
Author Unknown
How to Build Self Esteem
There are many ways you can build your self esteem. You can start by trying to maintain a positive outlook and remembering that YOU are in control. If you are feeling down about yourself or a behavior or characteristic, you have the power to change yourself.
Ways You Can Improve Your Self-esteem:
1. Review you strengths and achievements. Make a list of the things you are good at. It can be anything from knowing how to hook up a stereo system or playing basketball to being a good speller. We have all struggled to learn something and we have all accomplished something, big or small. Make a list of your achievements and think of ways you can use and develop your strengths and skills in other situations.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others. If you are focusing on people you think are "better" than you, it will only set you up for more negative thoughts and even lower self-esteem. No one is perfect. On the other hand, by noting the characteristics or behaviors of people you admire, you can try to develop those same characteristics in yourself.
3. Don't be a doormat: Learn how to say No. You don't have to say yes to everything people ask of you. Start to develop boundaries and accept that it is perfectly OK to say no. If you don't acknowledge your needs and desires, no one else will. It leaves the door open for people to take advantage of you. If you can learn to say no sometimes, you are telling yourself you have value.
4. Lean how to accept compliments. It's great to receive compliments. Accept them graciously. Just say thank you and smile. If you dismiss compliments or ignore them, you are giving the message that you are not worthy of them. In the future people may be less likely to compliment you if they think you are just going to brush them off.
5. Associate with positive people. Being around people who are positive and supportive will help you feel better about yourself. If you surround yourself with negative people, they may influence your own attitude or put you or your ideas down. Find time for your friends. Stay in touch, whether by phone or e-mail. Having a network of positive, supportive friends can be a great source of support.
6. Celebrate your own special qualities. Make a list of qualities that you like about yourself, such as having a sense of humor, being a thoughtful person, having patience, being good with kids, etc. If you are having a hard time with your list, ask some close friends. You may be surprised with what they come up with. When you are having a bad day and feeling down, bring out this list and reaffirm yourself.
7. Stay Active. Exercise gets those endorphins flowing and helps promote a more positive attitude. Besides, when you look good and feel healthy, you feel more positive about yourself. You don't have to go to the gym if it is not your thing. There are lots of fun activities you can do to stay fit or active. Try walking your dog, going swimming, or any other activity you enjoy.
8. Take care of your physical appearance. This does not mean to obsess about your looks! Wear something you like and that you know looks good on you. Get a haircut. Stand tall. It is amazing how your posture can reflect on the way you feel. When you slump and shuffle along, you tend to feel the way you look. When you stand straight and walk with confidence, this gives you an immediate boost. Try it and see!
9. Distance yourself from people who are negative or overly critical. Or resolve not to let them bother you. Some people see the glass as half empty. Try to turn off those critical voices in your head putting out all that negative energy—that includes yours, too. It is hard to develop self esteem when you keep putting yourself down. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to learn from them rather than keep punishing yourself for them.
10. Try to do nice things for other people. (This doesn't mean you can't say "no" sometimes when people ask you for a favor). When you do something nice for someone, it makes you feel good, and that helps increase your self-worth and self-esteem.
The important thing is, take action, even if it is only a baby step. You have the power to change your life, one step at a time. When you start feeling better about yourself, your self confidence and self esteem will skyrocket.
Author Unknown
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
4. Lean how to accept compliments. It's great to receive compliments. Accept them graciously. Just say thank you and smile. If you dismiss compliments or ignore them, you are giving the message that you are not worthy of them. In the future people may be less likely to compliment you if they think you are just going to brush them off.
It really wasn't until recovery that I learned to like myself, warts and all, and that it was a nice thing to receive a compliment. Today I know how to say "why thank you" instead of thinking "who, me?"
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This one jumped out at me tonight also...
Flo Ziegfeld who had the Ziegfeld Follies on Broadway from the 1920's to about the 1950's always bought the dancers silk underwear from Paris. When asked why he did this when nobody would even know they had it on, he replied "They know they have it on."
I know that when I feel good, I dress good and keep my hair and makeup nice. I have also found that when I feel in a slump, it helps to get dressed in something nice and make myself look better than I feel. It picks me up. It may just be a woman thing but a new outfit and a new "do" can work wonders when we're feeling blue.
It's all about attitude I guess and self-esteem just like the article says.
Hugs
8. Take care of your physical appearance. This does not mean to obsess about your looks! Wear something you like and that you know looks good on you. Get a haircut. Stand tall. It is amazing how your posture can reflect on the way you feel. When you slump and shuffle along, you tend to feel the way you look. When you stand straight and walk with confidence, this gives you an immediate boost. Try it and see!
I know that when I feel good, I dress good and keep my hair and makeup nice. I have also found that when I feel in a slump, it helps to get dressed in something nice and make myself look better than I feel. It picks me up. It may just be a woman thing but a new outfit and a new "do" can work wonders when we're feeling blue.
It's all about attitude I guess and self-esteem just like the article says.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Plano,TX
Posts: 30
I have to say, THAT IS GODS JOB- for a real alcoholic that is lthe delusion that if i can manage well i can be happy and stay sober-WHICH IS NOT THE TRUTH! GOD IS EVERYTHING OR HE IS NOTHING..
I know that you are trying to be supportive but self centerdness is our PROBLEM.. driven by fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity- feeding into that will not help
I know that you are trying to be supportive but self centerdness is our PROBLEM.. driven by fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity- feeding into that will not help
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Doug i don't know where you got that text, but it really does mean a lot to me..if i had a printer here, i would be printing it....
And i love it how on many of those points, there's a relationship
with what we attract to ourselves...
thanks again
And i love it how on many of those points, there's a relationship
with what we attract to ourselves...
thanks again
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by mae164 
I have to say, THAT IS GODS JOB- for a real alcoholic that is lthe delusion that if i can manage well i can be happy and stay sober-WHICH IS NOT THE TRUTH! GOD IS EVERYTHING OR HE IS NOTHING..
I know that you are trying to be supportive but self centerdness is our PROBLEM.. driven by fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity- feeding into that will not help
I know that you are trying to be supportive but self centerdness is our PROBLEM.. driven by fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity- feeding into that will not help
This is a problem when non alcoholics think they know what the real trouble is. I've heard the counselors at the local rehabs say the same things, they aren't alcoholics, they listen to alcoholics and arrive at their 'seemingly logical' conclusions... but never realizing the suffering alcoholic is lying to themself.
Self is the problem, more esteem for self is deadly.
I had more esteem for my-self than any human ought to.
The problem was my lack of esteem for others.
The purpose of the AA program is to fit me to be of service to other people and God. That can only occur by the destruction of self, smashing the ego.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Low self esteem is a major problem common to many alcoholics. I say that from my own life, the lives of my friends, and my time spent here on the boards.
It is also clear to me that low self esteem and self centredness are not mutually exclusive. If we routinely perceive ourselves as failures or hopeless cases, it's natural to me that we might come to focus on ourselves to an unhealthy degree.
as for 'smashing the ego', whatever that means - it never ceases to amaze and amuse me that those who preach humility the loudest are invariably the farthest from it.
D
It is also clear to me that low self esteem and self centredness are not mutually exclusive. If we routinely perceive ourselves as failures or hopeless cases, it's natural to me that we might come to focus on ourselves to an unhealthy degree.
as for 'smashing the ego', whatever that means - it never ceases to amaze and amuse me that those who preach humility the loudest are invariably the farthest from it.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
If I value others and myself as well, my actions will be positive. That is what recovery and service is about:respect for self and others. jmho. It's also called the Golden Rule. The "do unto others" theme requires self respect in order for this part: "as you would have others do unto you" to make any sense at all. This is far different from an oversized ego run amok.
Thanks Doug for a great thread.
Thanks Doug for a great thread.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
When I got sober I thought I had low self-esteem. I went through four treatment programs and sat through hundreds of AA meetings in the eighties and early nineties. Self-esteem was a catch phrase heard often.
I felt really bad just prior to and during early sobriety. I used to go in AA meetings and tell everyone how much of a piece of crap I was. Now the truth is that I'm not a piece of crap and neither is anyone else. But I think that is how you are supposed to feel when you've just ruined everything worthwhile in your life and awakened to the damage you've done to the ones who love you.
My first sponsor was of the mean sponsor school. The kind of sponsorship I love. I told him I felt guilty and ashamed. He told me that was because I had been doing stuff that would cause one to feel guilty and ashamed. I told him I thought I had low self-esteem and that I needed to "get" self-esteem. He said 'Well, anyone who treats people the way you have been treating people should feel bad."
I do not have to "get" self-esteem or anything else. Like happiness, peace, usefulness, etc., it is a by-product and comes from within. The deal is to live esteemably.
Jim
I felt really bad just prior to and during early sobriety. I used to go in AA meetings and tell everyone how much of a piece of crap I was. Now the truth is that I'm not a piece of crap and neither is anyone else. But I think that is how you are supposed to feel when you've just ruined everything worthwhile in your life and awakened to the damage you've done to the ones who love you.
My first sponsor was of the mean sponsor school. The kind of sponsorship I love. I told him I felt guilty and ashamed. He told me that was because I had been doing stuff that would cause one to feel guilty and ashamed. I told him I thought I had low self-esteem and that I needed to "get" self-esteem. He said 'Well, anyone who treats people the way you have been treating people should feel bad."
I do not have to "get" self-esteem or anything else. Like happiness, peace, usefulness, etc., it is a by-product and comes from within. The deal is to live esteemably.
Jim
Last edited by jimhere; 12-12-2007 at 08:49 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 190
For those of you reading this who aren't alcoholics or aren't involved with the core program of AA, there is no value to what I write and you need to read no further.
For those of us in AA , self is the real problem,
I know this because the Big Book makes it very clear.
Self esteem, for alkies working the steps is just more psychobabble.
This is not a healthy subject , those who are still sick will often embrace it, but thats why we got sick, the problem always looked like the answer, so there is no solution in that direction.
It ought to be obvious ,
but the solution is in the destruction of self,
not esteem (pride) for more self.
Not only does the opening post hold no answer for alcoholics,
it doesn't work in life for non alcoholics either.
For those of us in AA , self is the real problem,
I know this because the Big Book makes it very clear.
Self esteem, for alkies working the steps is just more psychobabble.
This is not a healthy subject , those who are still sick will often embrace it, but thats why we got sick, the problem always looked like the answer, so there is no solution in that direction.
It ought to be obvious ,
but the solution is in the destruction of self,
not esteem (pride) for more self.
Not only does the opening post hold no answer for alcoholics,
it doesn't work in life for non alcoholics either.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Let me know when you open your own forum Savoy and I'll be sure to stay away.
Til then - SR is open to all, whether you like it or not.
(and, for what it's worth - the destruction of self thing ?
not really working for you is it ? LOL)
have a nice day
D
Til then - SR is open to all, whether you like it or not.
(and, for what it's worth - the destruction of self thing ?
not really working for you is it ? LOL)
have a nice day
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
9. Distance yourself from people who are negative or overly critical. Or resolve not to let them bother you. Some people see the glass as half empty. Try to turn off those critical voices in your head putting out all that negative energy—that includes yours, too. It is hard to develop self esteem when you keep putting yourself down. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to learn from them rather than keep punishing yourself for them.
This is something I have had to do in my own life. In order to maintain my serenity and my sanity I must watch outside influences- or they will become inside influences. It's all about self respect and the reason why in meetings we share only ESH. The sharing stays clean and useful without causing judgement or harm. A very good friend with many years in AA once asked me: "Why would you seek advice from someone who has been wrong?"
Alanon taught me the benefits of staying away from negativity in myself and especially in others. I can change myself and my negative attitude but I am helpless to change the negative attitude of others. This is why I have boundaries to protect myself from that poison.
Any ability I have to show respect for others comes from the within me.
It stems from my own self respect and self esteem. In other words, what is inside does show on the outside. Attitudes become words and actions.
Humility = Strength = Recovery. jmho
This is something I have had to do in my own life. In order to maintain my serenity and my sanity I must watch outside influences- or they will become inside influences. It's all about self respect and the reason why in meetings we share only ESH. The sharing stays clean and useful without causing judgement or harm. A very good friend with many years in AA once asked me: "Why would you seek advice from someone who has been wrong?"
Alanon taught me the benefits of staying away from negativity in myself and especially in others. I can change myself and my negative attitude but I am helpless to change the negative attitude of others. This is why I have boundaries to protect myself from that poison.
Any ability I have to show respect for others comes from the within me.
It stems from my own self respect and self esteem. In other words, what is inside does show on the outside. Attitudes become words and actions.
Humility = Strength = Recovery. jmho
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
"It is not enough to turn away in disgust
from my illusions and faults and
mistakes, to seperate myself from them as
if they were not, and as if I were someone
other than myself. This kind of self-
annihilation is only a worse illusion; it is
a pretended humility which by saying 'I
am nothing,' I mean in effect , 'I wish I were
not what I am.' This can flow from an
experience of our deficiencies and of
our helplessness, but it does not produce
any peace in us. To really know our
'nothingness' we must also love it. And we
cannot love it unless we see that it is good.
And we cannot see that it is good unless
we accept it."
--Thomas Merton from "Thoughts In Solitude"
Jim
from my illusions and faults and
mistakes, to seperate myself from them as
if they were not, and as if I were someone
other than myself. This kind of self-
annihilation is only a worse illusion; it is
a pretended humility which by saying 'I
am nothing,' I mean in effect , 'I wish I were
not what I am.' This can flow from an
experience of our deficiencies and of
our helplessness, but it does not produce
any peace in us. To really know our
'nothingness' we must also love it. And we
cannot love it unless we see that it is good.
And we cannot see that it is good unless
we accept it."
--Thomas Merton from "Thoughts In Solitude"
Jim
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Worcester
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by Dee74
Let me know when you open your own forum Savoy and I'll be sure to stay away.
Til then - SR is open to all, whether you like it or not.
(and, for what it's worth - the destruction of self thing ?
not really working for you is it ? LOL)
have a nice day
D
Til then - SR is open to all, whether you like it or not.
(and, for what it's worth - the destruction of self thing ?
not really working for you is it ? LOL)
have a nice day
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Originally Posted by mike_mass
Love your avatar...btw, where is savoy today? I spent all morning putting on my armor of righteousness to do battle!
Jim
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Worcester
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by jimhere
This is said with love and with tongue firmly planted in cheek-don't you all think we've had enough battling around here to last us a while?
Jim
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Nashville TN
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Ann
This is one I struggled with for a long time. For many years, I just never thought I was worthy of the compliment and was embarrassed to accept one. I could give compliments sincerely but receiving them was a whole other thing with me.
It really wasn't until recovery that I learned to like myself, warts and all, and that it was a nice thing to receive a compliment. Today I know how to say "why thank you" instead of thinking "who, me?"
Hugs
It really wasn't until recovery that I learned to like myself, warts and all, and that it was a nice thing to receive a compliment. Today I know how to say "why thank you" instead of thinking "who, me?"
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by savoy
Self is the problem, more esteem for self is deadly.
I had more esteem for my-self than any human ought to.
The problem was my lack of esteem for others.
The purpose of the AA program is to fit me to be of service to other people and God. That can only occur by the destruction of self, smashing the ego.
I had more esteem for my-self than any human ought to.
The problem was my lack of esteem for others.
The purpose of the AA program is to fit me to be of service to other people and God. That can only occur by the destruction of self, smashing the ego.
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