realization88

In the title I meant to say use, not abuse.

I do not want to quit forever, and I don't think that I need to. I beleive I can control this if I want to. I use to have control until I lost it, and have gone from complete lack of control to almost total control.

I have amazing will power.

I'm only what I think is a few steps away from getting my control back, which I feel like I lost by making a few stupid mistakes. I think that I only require 3 or 4 months of total abstinence because I just want to know what its like to be sober for that long. Then I want to reassess my life and ways of controlling it so I can use again in moderation responsibly.

In my other post many peoples responses are that I have to quit forever.

Regardless of what anyone says I know that I can do it, and will put every ounce of will power I have into accomplishing my goal. I just think it would be nice to hear some encouragement from someone else who has done it already.

Anna

The point is, none of us would be here if we could control drugs or alcohol. The reason we are here, is because we don't have control. It doesn't mean we are weak or lack will-power. It means we have the disease of addiction.

And, personally, the amount of energy I put into trying to control my drinking was through the roof. It was exhausting.

Doug

I can't, and never could. You might be able to, give it a shot. I know alot of us would like to live like that but found we couldn't. So here we are, on a addiction recovery website.

Give it a try. If it doesn't work, we'll still be here.

realization88

I didn't think about it like that, well I will continue to beleive I can do it because I have already made so much progress and I guess I am just unwilling to give up all the progress I have already made, for total abstinence. If i succeed I will come back and share my story, I really just don't think that I wont.

historyteach

Realization88,
This quote from your statement really jumped out at me.
And I wondered honestly.
Just how much you could accomplish if you put all that will power into something worthwhile.
Instead of doing drugs....

My son's a heroin addict. For 14 years he tried what you're attempting.
He's straight now, and admits he can't do drugs ever again.
But, my G*D, what he had to go through to come to that understanding, I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...whatever path you choose.

Shalom!

realization88

Well I'm sorry to hear that, heroin is pretty much the only drug I have never tried and I never will because I am deathly afraid of it, but I'm glad for his sake he was able to stop.

I am putting every ounce of my will power into becoming a psychologist as well as my self control because I have come to realize I have this amazing ability to read other people and help other people with their problems. I intend to go to college for however many years it takes me to get a PHD and I am willing sacrifice anything it takes to accomplish this because it is my dream which is much more important to me than using stupid drugs because I care about doing this more than anything else in the world. I'm extremely fascinated by psychology, and have never been so passionate about learning about anything even close to as much except for drugs which still aren't even that close. I want to help people because I enjoy doing it. I understand the way the mind works so well, sometimes it scares me. I self analyze a lot also.

Don't quote me on this but I'm pretty sure most if not all substance abuse is peoples attempts at self medicating their undiagnosed personality disorders.

Because of the society we live in due to a combination of the way many children today are raised and the social environment kids encounter when they start school most people have some kind of personality disorder, but this fact is largely unnoticed by the general population and seems to be ignored. I guess the reason for this is many people tend to overcome or at least cope with their personality disorders without ever realizing they had one in the first place. Some people cannot and often those people end up homeless, in mental institutions, or self medicating their whole life with an addiction.

I wasn't going to try and explain this because I don't think most people will understand, but here it goes.

I know that I myself have ADD and I have borderline personality disorder, and some degree of bi-polar (mood dysregulation) that is situational and because of my borderline personality disorder. Basically what that means is I often allow little things that happen in life to drastically effect my mood (sometimes positive, sometimes negative) which I should not. I know that the reason I have abused substances in my life are an attempt at self medicating the disorder because they present immediate positive mood changes. As I learn more about the disorder, myself, and the way my mind works I will eventually be able to control and overcome the disorder by working on changing my personality without self medicating.

This is all self diagnosis that I have done through much research, and discussion with another person who had it and helped me realize I have it. It basically explained my whole life to me. I finally understood why I am the way I am. I came to this realization only a month or so ago, and my life has been getting better and better ever since I started working on changing it.

I intend to meet with a psychologist over winter break to discuss this with him. However I do not wish to be prescribed to any kind of medication as I don't want to take anything legal or illegal on a daily basis at all, since with determination and a little work I can fix this problem.

I freaked out this morning after an out of control drinking episode that happened last night that I didn't understand, which is why I joined this site and now I figured out that the drinking episode was a result of me being depressed about this girl. Relationship rejection has a huge effect on my mood dysregulation and it took me till now to realize that. But now I think I'm going to be just fine.

Doug

Look what I did; I quoted you. LOL!

Anyway, as an addict, and an alkie, I can say, at least for me, that's not the case, and you'll probably learn that in school.

If I had to put all my effort and energy into staying clean, and I've tried, I'd be concerned that maybe I do have a problem. People without that problem don't have to "work" on it, they don't "think" about it, or ask about it.

But like I already said, good luck. You'll be the first to know if it doesn't work, but you'll be the last to admit it.

stone

If anyone had already done that they wouldn't be here would they?

SaTiT

I have..
until the ***** the fan again.lol

I don't belived anymore convienced me to stopped.
I belived i could have been dianose with all that you have mentioned
and more. Of course even after I came into recovery.
I figure i get will for a while so I can use again..

I don't know..I got sick and tired of living like that.
All those damn problems..i felt like **** unless i get
high..gizzz frenken whiz...i get a little attitude every so
often of i don't get my dope...when I'm high i'm all mellow..
Aadd bi polar, depression, anixity..you name it.
Wonder if FRYING my brains cells had anything to do with that ???
My therapist had to tell me something ..yeah I was totally wacked.
He couldn't dianose me correctly unless i stopped pumping drugs into my system.
well... he told me i was a Junkie.lol even thou i never stuck a needle in my arms.

For me today..getting drunk or getting high is but a wasted.
i've wasted enough of my time, energy, and life on it.
Luckily I survived, some people don't, alot of people don't.

it's not like..I don't like to get f-up out of mind either ya know.
It just stopped working for me...

Pinkcuda

You're talking to people here that have lost control and can never regain it. I can assure you however that every one of us has tried the very same thing you're doing several times over. There's one thing that is certain; all out quitting is a lot easier.

ThaNinja

I agree. It has taken me so many quitting attempts on my own before I reached out for help. Now I realize that I cant go back and do it all again. I catch myself thinking I will be fine in a year and be able to have the occasional night out.

I sure hope all out quitting is a lot easier!

barb dwyer

nope.

that's the simple truth - nope.

citychick

Sincerely...I wish you all the best. I don't think I ever had control...just deluded myself I did.

Change4life

Im in a really bad place cause i thought just like you that I could keep it under control.

If you want to see just how wrong I was about that controlling it BS go read some of my threads and the other people that ended up with nothing cause we didnt pay attention to the warning signs.

I really hope you give this situation alot of thought. Dont think you will be the first one to beat drugs. They have a pretty good record in beating us down one and all, into addicts.

P.S. Millions of people have relationship problems daily. They dont go using drugs over it, but an addict will.

1963comet

I did give that a shot for almost half of my life. Really, I thought I had control many times, but I was just fooling myself.

I do not want to label anyone. I guess it boils down to what you feel about yourself. and you can read some of the information.

Carrie

Hi. Do you see something wrong here? How can you have amazing willpower if you admit complete lack of control? Sorry, but I don't get it.

As far as your theory on personality disorders and self medicating I don't buy it. Why did I use? Simple. It was fun. I liked being high. I liked it so much I wanted to be high every day. That's a problem. A big problem. I was destroying my life and those around me because I loved being high. No personality disorder. I just liked the feeling.

Good luck to you.

Marius

I am able to control my use of methadone and cocaine. I usually use two 40 mg methadone biscuits during the week, I take the entire biscuit at once, and I rarely use more then that. I also am able to use cocaine up to 6 times a year in a responsible manner, I've never used it back to back days, just on very special occasions. The one vice I've had trouble controlling is alcohol, there are times when I go on those couple of day benders, that is why I've give up alcohol, been off it a week today, and I feel great. Alcohol is the only thing that hinders my ability to function normally.

mr_clean

I tried it for many many years, to use and not to abuse, it never worked for me

Mack23

I had my **** under control for almost 3 years - I drank at parties, social gatherings, smoked a little weed every now and then, did the occasional bump - and then I completely crashed and everything went straight to hell. I don't know if it's really something I can control. I've been clean for 37 days now and I feel tempted to do my thing but...I just don't know if I really believe that it can be controlled anymore. At least I'm not sure I can. Maybe you can, I don't know. Or maybe it's just a poor excuse to keep messing yourself up. I don't know.

Zencat

I used to think will power alone would be enough but alas I passed the invisible line into addiction. Unfortunately for me, my brain had other ideas about drug use that left my rational mind out of the decision loop. Maybe you will have a better time of it.