aasharon90

Fears and insecurities....

Sure i have some fear that i wont get
this bank job down to a comfortable
level. How could i work in a bank years
ago and did ok and now with new technology
im scared.

This training that im doing now is just an
open book test....the answers r right there
for me to write them down....

I find myself getting very tired to almost
wanting to sleep while taking these test....

In school i struggled learning...and id learn
something just for the moment then let it
go.

The same thing right now with the bank test...

Im going thru the motions and when the actual
test comes up without the book...will i fail?

I guess thats why i like physical hard work....even
with my grocery store job...i was constantly
working, bagging...standing...if i ever sat down
between 8 am and 2 pm...the employees definitely
commented on a rare sight.... : )

This bank job is paying more than i ever was with
just being a bagger....cashiers moved up for every
raise....so today i am excited about my pay...

However...i know money is important because it will
have to pay my rent ....but the amt of money with
a job im not excited about....doesnt mean anything to
me.

I havent a clue as to how much the hopital will
pay if i should get either of the 2 jobs i applied
for....

See how i worry...and yet why waste one minute
of worrying when my faith in my HP should not be
questioned...all i have to do is rely on His infinite
goodness to guide me....

Why do i worry? Why do I fear? Why ?

pixiedust

fear has been a big part of my life for a long time, but as i grow older i am able to take more risks, because i care less what other people think. one fear that i haven't been able to get over is the fear of not being loved or not being lovable. that fear can send me on some mind trips that are wild.

aasharon90

I think love has to come from within first.

To learn to love ourselves...and to believe
we r worth it....

For so long we (I) were constantly put down
or told were dumb...or stupid, or ugly, or
rediculous and so on....

Thru life with our continued failings we begin
to believe what others told us....

I know im not dumb and what others say about
me is their stuff....if i believe thru my faith that
I am a child of my HP...I believe He loves ALL of us....

No matter what....its that unconditional love that
He has for us that gives me strength to believe
in myself.

We have to erase those old tapes and begin a
new way of thinking.

Im sure u r a wonderful caring person....u have
to believe that urself....deep within u.

If u love urself first then u will see that others
love u as well. : )

indigo

I am afraid that I may never see my beautiful daughter again I haven't seen her for many years, she is bipolar and has fragile x syndrome she blames me. Last I heard she was living in South Africa I heard it from an understanding friend of hers who she has now dumped, I pray that she is happy and that she is still alive. Thank you Sharon for leting me say these fears outloud.

indie

aasharon90

Miracles do come true. I know because I have had
a few of them to happen to me....

Anything is possible. If u believe and have faith.

Not asking for anything for urself of course but to
ask in prayer for everything ud like for urself but
for the other person....

Wishing them all the happiness life can offer....
Wishing them the best of health....
Joy, Peace, finacial security....

I have always been full of fear....but being
sober for a few yrs now, and working my
program to the best of my ability...im finally
recieving the promises offered to us as
mentioned in the BB.

Fears that use to parallyse me are now little
to no more....im doing things today that just
amaze me....All due to having faith that my
HP is there to guide me and protect me in
all areas of my life.

One day when u least expect it...something
wonderful will happen to u....


Even re-uniting with a loved one.

All things are possible if you believe it to be so. : )

Nuudawn

I have always had a fear of reaching out...for help or to show love...for fear of rejection. With God and the fellowship of recovery I am finally starting to feel safe enough to do so. I have never known the love and joy I feel in my heart today.

aasharon90

What an AWESOME feeling that is to have.

It has always been there for the taking....

Love and Joy.

Freedom from fear.

Terrific share Nuudawn.

meteoroid

My fear with the withdrawals from alcohol. My fears now are for how to stay sober, help my daughter and be product again. We can't get the time back.

aasharon90

Hi meteor...glad to meet u.

Withdrawals is the process of getting all
that "crap" as i call it...or impurities...
toxins...out of ur system....its sweating
that stuff out of ur body....if u run or
exercise to sweat it out then that great...

That process doesnt last for long....its the
work u have to do afterwards...the DESIRE
and WILLINGNESS to go to any lengths to
stay sober....

AND....

YOU dont have to do this ALONE....

There r so many others before u at ur meetings
that can hold ur hand and guide u thru the
process.....

Sure the past is gone and u cant recapture it....

Its NOW...TODAY SOBER that u begin to make
new memories....a NEW BEGINNING....

STRONGER....More meaningful....lasting....

It can happen.....

If u have a the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
then thats a good start....if not borrow one or get one...

All the answers are in there on how to stay sober...
Attending BB meetings will take u step by step on
learning how to stay sober one day at a time and
help u understand the disease of Alcoholism....

Read pg 58 HOW IT WORKS....

There r many here before u that are taking it ODAAT
and can lead the way for u to a more meaning way of
life... SOBER .

meteoroid

Thank you Sharon:

I have a BB. It does help. So much to relate to and guidance.

Fiona107

I am afraid I am incapable of recovering from my addictions
I am afraid I will never know peace of mind
I am afraid I will never be happy
I'm terrified something will happen to the people I love before I get a chance to clean up and be a good daughter/sister/friend
I'm afraid I've let so much of my life pass me by because I've been using for so long and made so very many bad choices
I'm afraid I'm going to make another bad choice and pick up again
I'm afraid what comes around goes around and that I have some terrible karma waiting for me
I'm afraid that God is angry with me and what if there isn't even a God? And I always did believe.
I'm afraid to go to meetings
I'm afraid of committment but at the same time I fear I may never get married and/or have a child - I'm 36 and the last eight years have been dedicated to my addiction instead of progressing in life.
I'm afraid of my own mind
wow I can keep going

I'm full of fear. This was a good idea for a thread. I'm just plain terrified.

chrisj728

I have fear of believing that now im sober its safe to have just one drink.
I have fear of what would happen after that first drink.
I have fear that I havn't got the strength for another recovery if I drink.

Golfman

Fiona107,

Believe it or not your fears are completely normal for someone in your situation. One fear that you might have had that you've overcome is posting on this board. You have no idea how helpful your list may be to another who seems to be as desperate as you are. Your honesty will give others hope. You sound like someone who has convicted themselves of a crime. God is on your side, no matter what you've done in the past. The God of my understanding makes no mistakes. If you can accept that as truth, then He didn't make a mistake when He created you.

There's a difference between shame and guilt. A feeling of guilt comes from thinking I made a mistake. The feeling of shame comes from feeling that I am a mistake. Most of us felt as you feel before we found the solution. I lived in fear for the better part of 52 years before I finally realized I have nothing to fear as long as I stay focused on what my God wants me to do. Sixteen of those 52 years were AFTER I got sober.

If you have any faith at all, then that's enough to make a start. Put one foot in front of the other and do what's in front of you to do. If you're scared to go to a meeting, then don't think about the meeting, think about picking up your keys and starting the car. Then think about what direction you need to go. Then think about stopping at red lights and going on green. When you get to the meeting place, think about parking your car. Then think about turning it off. Then think about getting out of your car. Then think about putting one foot in front of the other until you get to the door. Then think about opening the door. Then think about walking inside. By this time, you'll be where you need to be...among people who won't judge you. Among people who will show just what God's love really is. Among people who will say..."We're glad your here." And most of all among people who will never turn you away and tell you to "Keep coming back."

Fiona107

Golfman, Your post made me cry (but in the good way, because I felt understood) Thank you so much for your words of support you really hit a nerve. Thank u so much.

aasharon90

Thanks guys for sharing your thoughts, your ESH.
EXPERIENCES, STRENGTHS AND HOPES.




For me it will NEVER be safe to drink again. Why? Because
I have a disease....its a sickness, illness...To take a drink
of "POISON" would mean to die. There is "POISON" in ever
bottle of alcohol. If I am already sick with a disease, why
would i want to drink something to make me sicker?

I could never have ONE DRINK of alcohol...there's NEVER
gonna be enough alcohol in this world to satisfy my craving
for it. One drink will NEVER be enough.

To pick up a drink after 16 yrs sober....well...for me ...I
would be releasing a HUGE MONSTER inside of me that has
been asleep for that long. the day I stopped drinking was
when this monster was put to sleep....over the yrs. he
has remained asleep but continue to grow inside....
Can you imagine if i were to wake this thing up today what
destruction it would have on me and my life?

Clawing its way around, tearing up everything and everyone
in its path....

For me..i dont know if I have another drunk inside of me...
I dont know if i drank i will make it back alive.

So I think I will continue to following the Steps of recovery
and working them in my everyday life.

Each step u take on a daily bases brings you to a point
in ur life where u can be HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE IN RECOVERY.





Here are the PROMISES stated in our Big Book of A.A.
for you to read over.

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our
development, we will be amazed before we are
half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new
happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the
door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we
will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will
disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain
interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will
change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity
will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle
situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves.



Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes
quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

Cecilia

Sharon
You seem to come up with the most thought provoking topics. Ones that make you go HMMMM.

So what do I fear? I fear that I will always be a square peg. That I will never fit. But then again, Im not sure if I want to fit. So why do I keep trying when its plain I dont belong.. Is this because Im lonely or just plain stubborn.

I fear that I will always be alone. Im an only with no kids and very little family. I hesitate to let people in because Im not sure how theyre going to react once they find out who I am. Am I always going to feel like that gawky kid that no one wants to play with. LOL.

I fear that when Elvis gets out of the pokey he will revert to being a jerk and I will have to smack him. Right now he is Mr Nice because I am the only one who visits etc. I dont think he realizes how much Ive changed.

aasharon90

Thanks Cecilia for sharing...

I too feel the same... a square peg...or
a misfit....

Remember on Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer
movie where the little elf didnt want to make
toys...he wanted to be a dentist...lol

He said he'd never fit in either....

Then then the isle of misfit toys....thats me....lol

Im that little rag doll that no one wanted to play
with... sniffle sniffle... : )

I too distance myself from others...mainly because
I am afraid of getting hurt....Its like give me a hug
but dont come too close.

I guess the only family i feel comfortable with is
my AA family....people here and there dont judge
me....they accept me just as I am...They understand
me ...no questions asked...as many have been there...
done that before....

We in AA or NA have a special bond with each other...
A common goal learning to stay sober or clean one
day at a time...

I too had fears of being alone....but today I have
a purpose in life....to help others in recovery just
like they have done with me....to give away what was
so freely given to me....

My soul purpose in life is to help the next person in
recovery by sharing my own ESH with them....

People need me..they need you....U like I have a
job to do far as long as we remain sober....

When we get involved in our program and help others
then we dont have time to feel sorry for ourselves
or worried about our own problems....

When we get out of our selves,,,our selfish thinking
then we place the focus on another and we r less
worried about being lonely, afraid, scared, fearful...

I may not fit in the normal world of regular folks....
but i sure found a place here in recovery where i
fit in just fine.... : )

cuttlefish

This thread is a good one. Sometimes part of soothing your own fears is just to hear others speak theirs aloud.

My fears...
That I will construct the bars of my own mental prison, and never see the love and beauty around me.
That I will always be picking up after someone's mess (I'm the oldest of three kids)
That I will always see the guys I love best in my life stumble...friends, brothers, lovers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers....while the women pick up the pieces.
That things between my ex-fiance and I will never be the same, and we will never be together again (we just broke up =(
That I will see him fall, and not know what to do...or that I will stop caring.
I fear becoming bitter, I fear feeling beat down every day.
I fear not know what do do with my life, I'm only 23, but I fear a rut starting.
I fear not believing in myself, not acknowledging my talents, of living mediocrity because that is all I have trained myself to see.
I fear my student loan debt, and that it will get higher once I start grad school.
I fear that I will never make friends without alcohol.
I fear that I've never once started a relationship, kissed a guy or made love to him for the first time, sober. I start off drunk and end up broken up with, angry, sad, with half remembered kisses and one night stands. Is my whole future going to be like this? I'm not an alcoholic, but this worries me.
I fear becoming an alcoholic, I'm from an alcoholic family.

aasharon90

Thanks cuttlefish for sharing where you are at this moment
in ur life....well have those kinds of fears as u have stated
in ur share....

You're still soooo young..... : )

I have 2 of my own that are 22 and almost 20....

To make it thru college is totally AWESOME....
dont ever let anyone say different....in todays
age with the high cost of everything...

There r soooo soooo many people other there
that would give anything to be able to afford
college....

Remember that you wont always be this tight
with money....you wont be a student all ur life
either....You are coming close to the end...which
is totally AWESOME....remember back when u
were just graduating from high school? And now
look where u r.....

Such a bright future ahead of u....the whole world
awaits u....with all ur knowledge....

Getting thru with school FIRST was always stressed
to our kids..the importance of a good education
so they can support themselves down the road....

Everything else....relationships and so on will eventually
follow....

Take things a day at a time....there's no hurry....

Taking care of urself is top priority.....if u dont take
care of u and be kind to u then u wont be able
to handle other things to the best of ur ability....

Slow down...stop and smell the flowers along the way...

Look at the beauty and kindness in others and in urself....

Remember ur HP..Higher Power, or the Man up stairs as I
call Him... God of ur understanding isnt going to overload
u...or give u anymore than what u can handle....

Draw strength, guidance, love and care from the Main Source.

U'll be ok....now give me a BIG SMILE... : )

Good luck.

chriskali

I too have fears but mine are more general. I am afraid of our world we live in. I'm afraid to have children that will have to grow up in this world. I'm afraid society is going down the tubes. I'm afraid of what our world will be like in 50 or 100 years. I;m afraid I've lost hope.....