Jammer

but can I do it again?? hello everyone. man there r so many threads and so much info here I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll post my own thread. I am so addicted to pills I am outta control. well, as much as I can afford anywayz. my pills of choice (are basically any controlled substsance) but the ones I can and do get ahold of are Xanax, oxycontin and lortab. I am absolutely out of control in my mind, especially the xanax!!! I have been an addict for many many years, mainly just a weed smoker, but a little over a year ago I was introduced to a guy who sold these pills. my life has been a living hell for that preiod of time. I still basically function in society, just barely. however me and this guy who sells me the pills had a huge blowout today and it is safe to say that we are no longer friends or I am no longer a customer. He doesn't have the pills all the time cuz when he gets them they go pretty quick, partly cuz of me. so there are pretty lengthy periods of times where I must do w/out, but the fact that they are only a week or 2 away keeps me motivated (so to speak) to keep on chugging along til he re-ups. but now I know they are no longer available, and 2 b honest, I am happy as hell about that. I have tried to quit so many times, but this guy is relentless, and there was no getting away from him. but i would not be here writing this if i thought there was even the tiniest chance we will be back in touch. I still smoke weed, but mainly outta habit ir cuz i can't get any pills, but i REALLY don't like smoking weed anymore. I sit here writing this cuz i now have no pills and cannot sleep (I work 3rd shift) and just feel like such crap i just wanna die. xanax withdrawals are a friggin' nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna quit everything so badly, but I just can't. I have done it b4, long ago. I used to do the AA/NA circuit, but that is just not me. I really do think I can do it on my own. some people do ya know?? I hear alot of naysayers on that, but u r entitled to your opinion. I just started searching the net for info and ended up here and read alot of helpful stuff, and plan to read more.
I have medical insurance, but I just cannot afford rehab (yes, it would be more than I spend on drugs), and I just don't like it as I have been thru it b4.

Jeez, I don't even know where I am going w/this, so maybe someone can point me in the right direction. I just lie here watching TV trying to sleep and waiting for the withdrawals to pass. I think I know what I should do, but I just can't motivate myself to do anything w/out drugs. I love the pills and the anticipation that comes w/going to get them then just can't wait to get home to blast up. I crush up the oxy's and snort them. I made it thru the years smoking weed, but in the last year, I have lost a GF, close to losing my driver's liscence, lost severaal relationships w/family members and friends, all cuz of the pills, not to mention the financial mess it has left me in. I am sorry if I am taking up space and time that should be used for soemone w/more serious a problem, but I guess I just had to write this stuff to see it for myself and see if even I believe it, and others too, and I think I do. I AM seriously considering an AA meeting, but I don't know. I admitted myself to a mental hospital about a year ago, but they didn't feel I was bad enuf to admit me and referred me to outpatient. I had no job or ins at the time, but got my life semi-straightened out after quitting for a short period of time b4 using again. So i don't know what else to say, I am just losing my mind from lack of sleep, and these dreams!!! oh man these dreams ...!!

well, thanx for reading if u made it this far. again, not sure what I am trying to accomplish here except a cry for help, so someone please advise me what to do

golf99

Hey Jammer,

I too was hooked on xanax and opiates, 4 plus years. I went through 100,00.00 dollars and almost lost my family. I'm 35 days clean today.


Yes, 100%, xanax withdrawal is a B#TCH. It should be out of your system in 4-7 days, it depends on how much you were taking. I went cold turkey as well. I do want to let you know that it can be dangerous to cold turkey off xanax. Just be safe. When was your last xanax? And how much?

As far as the opiates, I too went cold turkey. A B#TCH as well. You have to keep your eye on the prize...SOBRIETY. I felt as though I couldn't live without the pills, it turns out I didn't live because of them. Being sober is the best. I too went through withdrawals on my own, no meetings. I did find great support on this site.

You need to ride this nightmare out, it does get better. I never thought I would enjoy life again, I do very much. I use the pain of the withdrawals as my corner-step to stay sober, never will I put myself through that again. Pain is a great motivator.

Drink PLENTY of water and try and move around. The withdrawals will go away in time, ride them out. You have to dig deep and you will find the strength, I found strength I never knew I had.

Stay here and stay strong.


Best,
Golf

Jammer

jesus christ dude!! 297 posts in a year?? MY goodness that is alot of writing, and caring! thanx for taking the time. I feel alot better today, got thru my friday and now off for the weekend.

I do realize that I should keep myself occupied, but not by TV. much easier said than done as u no.

I did not use that much of either xanax or OC's. as i said, my EX- dealer would go thru them pretty quick, so there was quite a bit of waiting, but I always knew it was coming. actually, the zannies were(are) alot tougher for me to abstain from. the oxy's only work real good for me when I go awhile w/out using them, a month or 2, but the xanax?? I would gobble them down like M&M's. I would buy 2mg bars. I paid $5 apiece when I 1st met the guy, then after a short time i bitched that they were too expensive and stopped buying them so he lowered the price a little. He is having financial trouble and raised the price back up, and I told him I would not pay that, but guess what?? Of course I did, and he knew he had me hooked. I would take probly around 10-15 bars in a couple days, then a couple more during the few weeks he would have them, then go over a month b4 he would re-up, same w/the oxy's. So as u can see it was nowhere near an everyday thing. I don't know if u guys need to know all this stuff in detail, but it makes me feel better, and it is deff better than doing the junk, sobeit.

I know i can quit, this is all just so stupid!! I can't stand the guy, he is like a sponge, the $$ i have spent, oh man, I can't even put a price tag on it. everything else?? well, let's just say I lost out on alot this last year plus.

OK, here is a story, after i admitted myself to the hospital for my addiction as I stated above, and they did not keep me, I went out to mom's to dry out. she knew. I was out there and had a friend do some work on my car (quite a bit of work). He finished on a friday and I left to come home right after he finished. well, I got about a mile away and have no friggin' idea WTF happened. All I remember is waking up in the woods, behind the wheel. I must've zonked out from the zanny withdrawals, either that or pure exhaustion( I could not sleep then either, just like now). I was taken to the hospital w/no visible injuries, but ended up w/4 fractured vertabrae in my back, and my car was a mess, all this after dude just finished working on it for 3 days!!! It obviously could have been worse, but my back injury and my still jacked up car are constant reminders of what happens to addicts. But was it enuf to stop the insanity?? helll no!!! Just needed a little reasoning, no more driving while on the stuff. that lasted a very short period. So now, in addition to the jacked up car and my back injury, I am now dealing in the aftermath of my mess. I got tickets man, traffic tix! the last one after mom gave me a few bux and I got nabbed for speeding going to my dealer a couple weeks b4 xmas (merry xmas to me)!! Is that irony or what?? good christ this is nothing short of insanity. wrinting this stuff is really making me feel good cuz I have told most of this stuff to NOONE!! even my close friends, relatives, GF's, I have twisted it around so as not to sound like the drugs did me in.

well, I could go on and on, but I won't ( I already did huh??), I need to read more of your guys stuff, some of it can be very motivational even if it wasn't meant 2 b, so thanx to anyone who wants to hear it, for being here and contributing. I am on day 3 and counting, now I need a good cry or something cuz this crap is just so damn intense and stupid. total insanity!! I NEVER EVER thought of myself as insane b4 writing this, but now it has crossed my mind, to say the least. catch y'all later ...

Peter

Welcome Jammer.

You are not taking up space here and you need recovery just as much as anyone else here.

I read a lot of confusion in your post which I can only attribute to your using.( you say insanity which might be a good description too)

First of all you should really go and see a doctor. Xanax withdrawal is nothing to play with. Please find one knowledgable in addiction and recovery.

You need to find a higher level of motivation to quit other than the fact that you had a fight with your dealer. What is gonna happen when you hear of another source ? If broken relationships and financial devastation isn't sufficient motivation ask yourself what is it going to take to make you really wanna stop ?

Keep in touch and let us know how it is going okay.

Twin Lynn

Jammer -

I'm feeling anxious just READING your post! You've really been thru the mill. And it sounds like a zilliion thoughts are racing thru your mind, all at once.I'll bet it is one off-key chorus in there!!!
:-)

It is terrific that you're trying to quit--but I do hope you'll look into medical advice from either a doctor or an addiction center. I know you don't have health insurance (you and the rest of this country! LOL!)--but this is too serious to leave to chance. I don't think CT'ing from the xanax is very safe, from what I've read. And I know from experience what it's like withdrawing from Oxys and Hydros!! Sort of like my body twisted itself inside out!! And everything was so raw that I just couldn't make it.

I also understand how your thoughts about AA--or NA. While it's helped so many people I know, I did not find it, personally, for me. But you need, at the very least, to have people to talk with about what you're going thru. And professional help thru this intense withdrawal. (I take it you don't have enough to taper?)

I'm going to suggest one more path you can take if you find this situation intolerable and cannot control it. There is a drug on the market called Suboxone (or Subutex). It is now being used extensively in getting addicts back on track. (I know about it because I use it---and it was the only thing that gave me the strength to push away those drugs.)

You can learn all about Sub on a special site, exclusively focused on this drug: naabt.org. This website will answer any questions you have, plus there's a great forum with exchanges between those who've taken it and want to share their experience--or ask more questions.

Sub is a synthetic opiate that acts on different receptors in the brain...so that the withdrawal stops within half an hour--and you don't ever feel--ever--"high" on it. You feel normal--as if you'd never touched drugs. And, it stops the worst cravings, as well.

If you CAN get off drugs completely--by following thru tapering or getting medical advice to help the withdrawal symptoms--that would be the ideal answer. Because, although you are never high from Sub, it is still a synthetic opiate--which means you have to withdraw from it very, very slowly. (A doctor is allowed only 30 patients on this drug at once. A rather peculiar restriction on a drug that's been approved--and used overseas for years.) You cannot use this drug without a doctor's help and support, so you want to find one you like and trust. (I have a psychiatrist/addictionologist whose specialty is addiction.)

The majority of people use Sub short-term--weeks or months--then taper off it. The whole point of Sub is to give your body and mind a well-needed "rest"--so that you can use this time to throw off the pain of addiction--physically and psychologically-- and think about getting "back on track" with your life.

However, in the course of studies being done, it was accidentally discovered that it can also treat severe depression in some cases--those for whom antidepressants have never really helped. So, now there are patients like myself, on Sub for an indefinite period...tho that is not the norm.

Another valuable thing you should do is to ask yourself if you've actually suffered from depression aside from drugs. Have you ever had treatment? Or talked to a psychiatrist about depression? Depression is the main reason that most of us seek out drugs in the first place!

I have to say, that, particularly at my age (and I'm a real "oldie" on this board), I do not believe in suffering, when there are ways to make life tolerable. I won't even say "happy"--I'll settle for "tolerable"! LOL! :-)

So, please think of looking into all these things that may help:

--medical advice - especially for the withdrawal of xanax
--find out about tapering: There is an excellent "recipe" for helping you withdraw with less angst. It's called "The Thomas Recipe"--and I believe someone here may have posted it. If you can't find it, I'll search another board for it. It involves taking vitamins like L-Tyrosone (spelling?) and B-6 to absorb it. And all sorts of wonderful tips--like taking zillions of hot baths for the restless legs--to help those agonizing physcial symptoms.
--developing friends (but ONLY those fighting drugs!!!--or those who want to support your struggle) within the addiction community. (I believe there are other groups to look at, if AA is not your thing. Something called "Smart Recovery", I think???)
--consider the possiblity that you may suffer from depression--and, then, if you think you are--or have been--get help for it. This may be at the root of your drug-seeking.

Drugs and the withdrawal from them can make ANYONE question their sanity! I sure did! But in most cases, this "craziness" is the result of those hammering attacks on our bodies and our minds.
So--please try to get some help as soon as possible, so that you can begin to recover with the very least "trauma" to yourself. With good advice and support, you will have a much better chance to win this battle! (And you may meet some wonderful people, along the way.) :-)

keep posting! Lynn :-)

Jammer

OMG people I am so humbled by all this advice. yes, the thoughts are racing thru my mind at a zillion MPH!!! But I really feel good. i DO have medical insurance, but all the copays and dr visits would be much more than I spent at the dealers. the fight w/my EX-dealer has been building for quite some time. this guy is not prescribed xanax, oxy's, soma's, lortabs, amogst others, for no reason. He is one F'd up individual. And, as If on cue, he is trying to contact me today. I knew he would but not this soon. I am just ignoring his calls thru my caller ID and now he is calling my friends trying to stir things up. you guys have to understand yesterday. the ride home after the fight, emptyhanded, started me on the recovery path. yesterday had to be one of the hardest days in my life, cuz I knew I would not be back in touch w/him.

as far as depression, I am a very different person than most, in that, in my opinion, I was depressed BECUZ of the drugs!! but still addicted and that had priority. I simply love the buzz and doing the things I loved to do while all buzzed, that is all!! that was the only reason I used.

I am not worried, even after everything all of u have said here, about the withdrawals. I don't think I did enuf 2 b seriously PHYSICALLY addicted, more of a mental thing. The thing that i am having the hardest trying to get over is what I said above, about doing the things I love to do while buzzed. I know I am kind of all over the place in these posts, and I probably contradict myself on an occassion or 2, But i hope u all u's get the picture, I am sure U do.

I feel very good today about quitting . It used 2 b, and I am sure u can all relate to this, is when we have the drugs, we are gonna quit after this batch is gone!! then it's gone and we are trying to get more, somehow, ANYhow!!

There are certainly some things u's have wrote that I have not considered, and I will, if and when needed. I want my time back and I want to have some fun YESTERDAY!! giong to meetings and rehab and dr's appt's is just too expensive and time consuming. OK, now I know most of u r saying "well, u were spending all that $$ on the drugs, why not just spend it on rehab??", right?? the answer ...... BECAUSE I CANNOT AFFORD IT!! This time has been coming for quite some time. I have been putting bills off and things I need and want so I can buy more pills. things like clothes and home furnishings and other things, So quitting is not an option. If i use again, spend ANY more $$$$, I will lose something. my car ins, internet service, home, whatever. But please understand, that is not the only reason I wanna quit. I have become a hermit the last several months thanx to this garbage, and the feeling I had this morning, after I got home from work, was Just this warm, cozy feeling, w/goosebumps and all, that i have quit and I REALLY have no desire to use again. what about when things get bad?? it can't get much worse unless I use again. I wanna say the withdrawals are the #1 motivator, but I thought that about a year ago and here I am, but i don't ever remember having the feeling that just came over me earlier today, it just felt so good and even if only for a minute or 2, I felt like I have crossed a very weak bridge.

we are addicts and addicts are the best at making excuses, but I also know me, and I know how most other addicts operate. I have been thru rehab twice b4, and to many meetings, so I know my s*#t here. obviously rehab has not helped, nor the meetings, correct?? so why waste the $$ again!! I feel real good about what I am accomplishing here, and U must also understand that my ex-dealer WILL remain EX!! I promise that 2 u all and to everyone in my life, and suze, if u made it this far, U have probly shed a tear or 2, as I have shed many, and I thank u for reading this and hopefully u understand me a little better.

also worth mentioning, I live in the NE, AND I HATE THE WINTER!!! I hate the cold so much that it also contributes to my being cooped up here doing nothing besides work and drugs and other useless crap. I guess this is not the place to live if u hate the snow and cold as much as i do now. I am 39, and the winter has really not bothered me til the last couple years, and I just hate it so much.

someone said it above, basically, that I have been to hell and back. and yes, it is true. all I have listed here is the bad stuff. OK, i'll give up the fact that since I have been on the pills there has been really no good stuff, but in all the years of doing other stuff, mainly weed, and ALOT of it, I have done many good things. the most recent was losing over 100 lbs about 1.5 years ago. I have put on a little back cuz of this damn weather, but i will lose it real soon. I just don't want u's to think I am just making excuses, I know the difference, believe me! hopefully these posts are getting a little clearer to u all, and now, on day 4, I feel so much better than yesterday. someone asked when the last time i used was ...... xanax, monday, oxy's ...... couple weeks ago.

I also need u all to believe in me and how i feel about doing it CT. I have done ALOT of research on recovering from my drugs of choice, So i have heard most of what u's have said. most, not all. I wanna help people so bad too, but 1st I gotta help myself. I promise to keep u all posted and I cannot possibly thank u all enuf for caring except by not using, deal??

Twin Lynn

Deal! :-)

Jammer

another killer reason I NEED to stay off the stuff is cuz at work they "heavily participate", as they say, in drug testing. I have not heard of anyone being randomly tested, but after any accident or injury (it's a steel plant, there are plenty of both), u WILL be tested. So i have 2 b VERY careful. I actually had one incident, but to keep it short, it wasn't really an accident or injury, and It got by plant management w/out them testing me. I work 3rd shift, so they send us @ 8 a.m.

Of course i have cheated b4, but i just don't have the stuff on hand to cheat again, so if i get busted, automatically fired!!

Also, it's friday nite and I have $$$ in my pocket. A 1st in quite some time!!
other than lack of sleep and a pounding headache i feel great! this headache crap is from the xanax, I remember this from a year ago, and I swore I would not put myself thru this again, but this time I mean it .

I am so fired up to stay sober. I see a few comments about people wanting to catch up to other's in their sobriety, of course it's joking, otherwise that would mean someone fell off, but I too want my 36 days of clean time, and I will have 36, in 32 days

Eagle1

don't minimize. Own it !!

Jammer

Oh man this being unable to sleep is kickin' my butt, had probly 3-4 hours in the last 36-40 hrs. but I will not relent. my ex-dealer has been even more relentless than I thought, as he has called me at least 10 times yesterday, and I am sure he will again today! he knows I am ignoring his calls, that much I promise, my friend he called told me, even tho I knew he would anywayz.
I did find one thing that seems to help me alot ....... comedy!! unfortunalely, I had my satellite turned off in favor of the pills over a year ago, but I still can download the stuff from p2p sites. South park is my fave all time TV show, as a matter of fact, ne one ever see one of the newer episodes where stans dad gets busted for DWI and gets sentenced to AA?? OMG it is so funny! but the root of the episode (which really hits home, as do most eps, if u really watch them) is that his dad does the 12 step thing, and thinks he gets an easy cure. but as the ep goes to it's end, stan talks to his dad about his quitting alcoohol completely. it boils down to this ...... he tells his dad that if u dedicate your life to completely avoiding something, that something still controls you. U need discipline, disipline comes from within. to have only a drink or 2 is discipline, but to not stop is not cool. Now I am not justifying trying to use a little, no way, but I am trying to justify why I do not wanna do the rehab, 12 step, AA/NA thing. that is not control. yeah, we all need help at some point, but this takes just that .... DISCIPLINE!!! God I love south park!!

On another note, I just wanted to post the lyrics to what I consider one of the greatest metal songs ever!! it is by PAPA ROACH and is called "the last resort". if u read the lyrics, it is about suicide. I am not suicidal and never was even close, but some of the song is just mindblowiing, especially read along to the song. I play guitar (THEE biggest thing I am worried about doing while not buzzed) and the guitar work is as incredible as the lyrics, making it as I said, One of the greatest compilations to date. If u can stomach metal, d/l it. the p2p site I like is here ....
http://aresgalaxy.sourceforge.net/ Free, no spyware,

and if u run windows defender, here .... http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/d...DisplayLang=en
It will keep your computer completely spyware free.

anywayz, here are those lyrics. I realize this is a little off point here, but hey, it is what is helping me thru this, and writing this stuff is keeping me busy and sane while also teaching me a little about myself seeing it written down. MY last resort is not suicide, but it is this forum, and I will not let myself or anyone else down!! oh hell, here is the song ...
http://rapidshare.de/files/3961866/P...esort.mp3.html I could listen to this song 100x in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a **** if I cut my arm, bleeding

This is my last resort

*Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a **** if I cut my arm, bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide*

**'Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine**

I never realized I was spread too thin
To live was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry!
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another.
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

**Chorus**

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying

I can't go on living this way

*Bridge*

**Chorus**
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying

I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright

Jammer

well I just wanted to let you wonderful folks know I am doing much better. I am keeping busier and I really don't even think about the pills at all. probly cuz i can't go back to source. He is still trying to call me and a couple friends, but I am still just ignoring him. you guys don't even know the half of the amount of self drama this guys spews, I just can't take it no more and it feels just wonderful that I ain't.
I still am not sleeping to great, but it is getting better. the withdrawals seem gone and I am about to join a gym, something i WILL use that my ins pays for. so ...

Good Luck, thanx, and catch ya's later ....

Jam