i'm certain you all know that wanting is very far removed from doing. i don't know what to do about that gap. i don't have anythign to put in between.

A very wise friend told me once to pray as though my prayers were already answered. It was how I learned to have faith.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

i spent last night on the bathroom floor helping out my friend who got sick. i got up today at about 8pm, got high, tried to do some cleaning up, and fell asleep again. last night one of my buddies told me "this is one of the last nights i'm going to get messed up". not the last. just "one of the last". doesn't mean anything. i feel so numb and confused i can't do anything. i can't even rermember what i was supposed to be doing. and i don't feel that it matters much. and that makes me somewhat satisfied. which doesn't happen very often. and why don't i deserve that? or maybe i'm getting exactly what i deserve.

MagdaM, Just a question, not a judgement, I was just wondering do you think you'll ever get tired of this and choose a different type of life for yourself? Or do you see yourself being here in a year from now.

I'm just curious, not judging you. I hope someday you want better for yourself enough to change your actions. Because you really deserve it and it makes me sad to see you in so much agony and pain..

Hang in there sweetie,

DWI

i am tired. but i'm tired to death. and so i can't stop?

Yes I can relate to you dear and you know what I haven't stopped, I just don't use right now. I have done that for the last 315 days. In 50 days if I make it I will have 1 year of complete abstinence. You know early on you emailed me and said Vic please don't leave SR because I need you. You know Magda you gave me a spark at the time that I needed one. I have been given sparks here and there. Today I am doing OK. I wish that everyday was OK and actually any day that I stay clean is OK. If I stay clean for today, no matter what else has happened today it will be an OK day.

Right now I am fearing a little anxiety because they want me now to start my shots again this Thursday. See I am not into today, so I need to get busy and start focusing on today, in which I have started to do that already. We are no different dear. We all have the same problems just a different levels. We all have issues but the great fact of everything is that WE all have the same thing in common, the solution is Just For Today We can stay clean. You know for a junkie like me out of the past 4 years and 1 month I have only gone out a total of 25 days. That is really great for someone who used many years. I have faith in you Magda. I am sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Love Vic :)

I know that feeling MagdaM. I live that feeling. I have never 'stopped' but I do live life for today.

Sometimes I only live life for this second. I get too scared thinking about the whole day. But that is the only way for me to stay clean.

For Today