Two Weeks Off Methadone!!!
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Two Weeks Off Methadone!!!
wow I can't believe I have made it this far..really need to get to some more meetings but my it seems like making it back and forth to work everyday is about all I have been able to do...I am so proud that I have made it every day !! Physically well it has really been a rough go..my legs STILL ACHE!!! But as is my mantra I just keep putting one achey leg in front of the other and showing up!!! I am pretty sketchy in my head alot but I say the serenity prayer over and over and it DOES the job..I have a little seven year old boy that has also been really making this a challenge..as welll as a new live in relationship that is pretty stressful sometimes..I feel quite INSANE much of the time actually but TODAY I am going to celebrate that I have had 14 continuous days of clean time....and I do know this WILL change and get better..I have to believe that because if sobriety isn't a better place ///why would any of us bother...thanx for letting me post here...you are all the BEST recovering peeps I have ever met!!!!! love to all northbelle
you know i love ya
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Arghhhh...the mental mind obsession!!! I went to a meeting today..out for lunch witht he crew....I don't know I just feel out of place sometimes?? I am really trying not to isolate..I don't have a car adn walking my ass in this weather is brutal....but damnit I am doing what i can,,I just feel like I want to get away from MYSELF for a few minutes.....I obsess over all the **** I have to do..job..kid//house..bills..I have to stay clean to accomplish all those things but they are kicking my ass..I really DON'T like responsibility AT ALL...to be HONEST ..I MISS the days of total dereliction sometimes..I mean it was fairly free of responsibility...and even kind of exciting sometimes..OH MY GOD ...I am really sick are'nt I ???? My self destructive thoughts haven't left me just because I am clean I guess and maybe that is what I need to work on.....my adrenaline level may just be a tad low I guess....that dope has to leave one rather depleted in feel good section of the brain so maybe thats whats up..I dunno..but thanx for letting me vent....northbelle...the fiend...day 15
I'm an addict.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
What you are feeling is natural for an addict that is getting clean...our disease puts us at dis ease with ourselves, it wants us dead, but will settle for miserable.
It's funny you bring this up b/c the meeting I went to tonight was about RESPONSIBILITY, and I shared that honestly, I don't like it wither. I don't want to be responsible. My whole using career I spet trying to make people believe I was responsible and now that I'm clean I just want to be able to get rid of somethings I now have real responsibility for.
Remember that you can't control your thoughts or your feelings, but you can control your actions now. Comming here to post is a responsible action to confront uncomfortable feelings or thoughts and can be a very valuable tool to help you stay clean (at least I found it has worked for me). You are doing what you need to do and should be proud! I'm proud of you!
Keep comming back,
Blake
It's funny you bring this up b/c the meeting I went to tonight was about RESPONSIBILITY, and I shared that honestly, I don't like it wither. I don't want to be responsible. My whole using career I spet trying to make people believe I was responsible and now that I'm clean I just want to be able to get rid of somethings I now have real responsibility for.
Remember that you can't control your thoughts or your feelings, but you can control your actions now. Comming here to post is a responsible action to confront uncomfortable feelings or thoughts and can be a very valuable tool to help you stay clean (at least I found it has worked for me). You are doing what you need to do and should be proud! I'm proud of you!
Keep comming back,
Blake
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Thanx Blake...much appreciated...and by the way ..that tattoo shows some COMMITTMENT...!! Way to go .....I think I will just go do something irresponsible.....run with scissors...spend 20 bucks in the CANDY isle...I'll think of something to fill that space..thanx again my brother...northbelle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Hog Country
Posts: 166
Ok, slow down, you are doing just fine. LOL, although I know exactly how you feel. You are doing the right thing, keep telling yourself that. Trust me I know what you mean when you say you miss the days of dereliction. I feel the same way sometimes, it was just so much easier not to have to worry. Or atleast thats what drugs try to convince us of. It's not true though, that life is nothing but destruction. You are doing so good, please believe that. It's cool you are trying not to isolate. I haven't done the meeting thing like a lot of these guys on here have but if it helps you to relate to people right now then I say go to as many as you can find. We are here for you. You are on the right track. Keep your head up.
samantha
samantha
X IV
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 6,365
Way to go Northbelle!!
Your post reminded me of something I heard in a mtg a couple of weeks ago. A guy (17 years clean) said that we don't talk a lot in mtg's about the grieving process that many of us go through when we get clean & sober. We miss the excitment of being "bad". lol He said he was kinda sad and missed it for the first year or so. I know that was true for me also. It is much better now but for the first couple of years my heart would start pumping when I would think about the way it used to be. Today it still does sometimes but I always play the tape out in my head a little further and connect those actions to the consequences they produced and that always puts me right back in reality.
lol
Anyhow, I am an ex-methadone person too and I am really happy to see another one of us getting off and staying clean. Good Luck and God Bless.
Your post reminded me of something I heard in a mtg a couple of weeks ago. A guy (17 years clean) said that we don't talk a lot in mtg's about the grieving process that many of us go through when we get clean & sober. We miss the excitment of being "bad". lol He said he was kinda sad and missed it for the first year or so. I know that was true for me also. It is much better now but for the first couple of years my heart would start pumping when I would think about the way it used to be. Today it still does sometimes but I always play the tape out in my head a little further and connect those actions to the consequences they produced and that always puts me right back in reality.
lol Anyhow, I am an ex-methadone person too and I am really happy to see another one of us getting off and staying clean. Good Luck and God Bless.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
You guys are the best..really..amazing what a little sleep will do for ones mind....it is strange going to sleep instead of nodding off for the night..a little different..I am really struggling right now with some relationship issues that are in my face all the time here..it creates alot of stress for me too..I just hate to admit it....thanx so much for your posts...samantha..ibadecker..kelkel..so nice to wake up and have you guys right here....we got snowed in during the night..I like it ..cozy...love northbelle
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