MagdaM

I've made it almost a month...(what some of you would call "clean" and others wouldn't" idk I'm counting it cause its been hard as hell). But in that time I've just been pushing things aside. Well tonight some **** came up that is what I would usually just run and get as wasted as possible over. I don't even want to write/talk/think about it now, but it just brought up everything I've been trying not to let myself think/feel over the past
month(ish). And even in my current --determined--state the way I'm feeling right now I would love to just knowck myself out however I can.

I even called a few friends in town trying to buy. But no one is around/answeringtheir phone/has anything. (can I hear a hallelujia?) anyway I realize that I don't actually know how to deal with this. I go straight to the needle/bottle/razor and... and what? now what? now what do I do? just wait and let it "pass"? It won't--the last time I didn't have anything and I got like this I just ended up stressing, staying awake for several days, and eventually hyperventilating, passing out, waking up, starting that cycle over...about two weeks later I ended up sleeping on a strangers floor (no, litterally a stranger as in I don't know how I got on their floor never met them, didn't have permission to be on their floor kind of thing) pretty beat up and loosing my mind. (theres a long story in there somewhere, but i for one couldn't tell you the details).

I'm scared of what I can do to myself when I can't shut off my mind. Really. It's late and no one here has time for me. But nothing matters right now!!!!! I just wnat some damn PEACE!!! I just want to sleep!!!! i sit here and BEG please god just let me go to sleep--just make my mind stop talking for a second so I can figure out what the **** I should do. See--I'm just working myself up just sitting here. And when I'm done distracting myself at the keyboard then what do I do?

Isn't there something I can do on my own to quiet my mind down? I just want to feel okay--I just want to feel GOOD for just a little while. I can't live like this all the time. ****. i know i'm just panicking, but...****. sometimes i just don't even care.

why would anyone be pissed at me for just trying to get some damn rest from myself. if no one else can stand me how do they expect me to do it? all day. every day. i don't like me any more than they do and for better reasons. why does anyone care if i just want to get away from myself for a bit?

MagdaM

Sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
Sometimes I forget I'm alive
I feel it coming and I've got to get out of its way
I hear it calling and I come cause I can't disobey
I should not listen and I shouldn't believe
But I do
Yes I do

[Chorus:]
She turns me on
She makes me real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel

My life, it seems has taken a turn
Why in the name of god would I ever want to return?
Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
**** in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
I wanna kill away the rest of what's left and I do
Yes I do

[Chorus]

And nothing can stop me now
There is nothing to fear
And everything I'd ever want
Is inside of here

Ooh, I want, I want, I want, I want inside of here

Now I just stare into the sun
And I see everything I've done
I think I could have been someone
But I can't stop what has begun
When everything is said and done
And there is no place left to run
I think I used to be someone
Now I just stare into the sun


--trent reznor (nine inch nails)

Hakuna Matata

I know that this is hard, and that you want to get away...just one more time, right? But you know deep down it won't be...you know that it will lead you right back down that path of self destruction. Were you really happy that way? Were you HONESTLY TRULY happy living that lifestyle? It 'won''t just pass...it will hurt like hell. The battle will be hard. But that is what comes along with the battle...the fight. The trecherous, gut wrencing pain that you want to avoid. In the end though, the victory is worth every single tear. Can you call someone? Can you write down how you are feeling the way you are, and why? Did something particularly happen to you? Write down the emotions you are feeling. It's okay to feel. It's hard. It is harder then anything to feel, but when you learn to feel, you learn to live. Cry. Cry hard. Scream. Hit a pillow. Cry. Scream. Allow your emotions to be released. Breath. Meditate. Calm yourself. Do whatever you can to FEEL, and allow yourself to LIVE. Don't numb. THe pain will return. The pain will be followed by guilt. YOu can do this. I know it is hard, but you can do this...I know I don't know you, but I have faith in you that you have more strength then you know. Use that strength, and feel your emotions. Don't run, because they will always follow.

angelgirl

bump

grumpy_b05

Don't give in! Those urges are always going to be there, the only thing that happens when you use is things get worse. I know you want to escape from yourself for a little while, but in the end your still going to be with you. It is o.k. to feel, you stated that you've been trying for this last month to push things aside. One of the things in recovery is to not push things away and instead feel them. This is how we do things differently this time, by working through and feeling them. Like Hakuna Matata said Cry, Scream, Hit a pillow, Run around, Throw youraelf on the floor and kick and scream, but eventually Breath, Pray and feel. Take things One Day at a Time, and this too shall pass! Keep coming back, there are alot of great people here who are happy to talk with you!

Luckyv2

((((((Magda))))))

I can feel your pain I have been through the withdrawals myself and like it has been said that this too shall pass. Sometimes we wish that it would pass a lot sooner or at least that is the way I wanted it but it takes what it takes. I am so proud of you for what you are trying to do. I know it is hard as Hell but you and I both know that this deal is doable. I have you in my thoughts and prayer Magda, I think that a lot of us here at SR do. You are worthy and so am I. We haven't always made the right choices but we can make them today.

One thing that has helped me to feel the way that I am feeling is to say "OK Vic you are feeling down right now, you have to own the feeling that you are down, you have to live the feeling that you are down, you then let it go." Once we accept the place that we are, then we can in fact move on. I am so proud of you and I am always here for you.

Love Vic

shestruggles

For what it's worth - Trent has helped me distract myself from, well, myself more than a few times...........

I dunno what to say, dear girl.......i wish we could switch heads just for while - I'd give anything to get away from my own insane thoughts, even if only for a minute........

I hope u find a bit of peace....if you do - lemme know how, k?

Much love:SS

Moontime

I hope you get some rest. Your post brought me to exactly my bottom. Just wanting to get a break. Being so desperate I found the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and my life has never been better. I've been where you've been and I've felt the feelings of destruction, dereliction, fear of change. I can promise you there is a way out that I know of, that I've personally done myself. It has worked for me any many 1,000 other addicts out there. All it takes is willingness, honesty, commitment and your life will change. I promise you if you get a sponsor, work the 12 steps, develop a relationship with a power greater than you, your life will change dramatically. I hope you give yourself a break.

BSPGirl

Keep in mind that urges may be unpleasant but not unbearable. Also distracting yourself from them might work wonders.

MagdaM

Wow, thanks for all the replies guys. idk, I'm just in limbo right now. I had another wierd/hard night last night. I know its all my own fault--I just put myself in bad situations and I know better. Anyway, nother bad situation that I just asked for--I ended up getting roughed up and f-ed and crawled back here to my freinds house to lick my wounds/inflict more. Ended up cutting the s*it out of myself (which I had managed to stay away from all month). Sometimes I'm just such worthless human waste it amazes me. I don't know why i get myself into this crap. Wait yeah I do--it's cause I hate my own guts and I enjoy kicking my ass more than just about anything.

I'm sorry to be so pitiful. Especially in response to all your good thoughts and real advice. But hey I'm a looser that way--everyone else in my life knows it you might as well too. One thing I don't have to worry about today--I'm not going to use. I don't deserve to feel any better than this.

I'm getting out of this house today too though, so I might not be around for a bit. Who knows who knows--nobody knows what will happen tomorrow.

KelKel

Oh Hon.....
Love & Light,
Kel

Luckyv2

YOU are not a looser and Magda if you need a safe house I can help you reach out. You know that I am here for you. You don't ever have to be alone again. I am here sending all the good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

shockozulu

MagdaM, you are not a looser. I look forward to hearing from you. I don't look forward to hearing from loosers.

Sending love your way.

BSPGirl

awww if you lived close I'd try and help ya find a safe place to stay, might be a good thing in the end, the move, ya never know. Looking forward to hear from you tho and you're NOT a loser.

Done_With_It

(((((MagdaM))))))
Hey in there girl. I'm holding onto hope for you, till you can do it yourself.
You may fall, but we won't let you fall too far.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sending you a lot of love and hugs.....