Learning to live again
 

I am so glad that I found this place. For the first time I feel like someone understands me and what I'm going through. I've been struggleing with a substance abuse addiction for almost a year now. I started out snorting cocaine and eventually gave in to smokeing it. I saw people who had been addicted for years and could see myself going down that same road to destruction and yet couldn't bring myself out of it. Finally I confessed to my best friend that I had this problem with substance abuse. I've always been able to talk freely with him, but this was by far the hardest thing I ever had to admit to him. I knew it would break his heart. I also knew he would stand by me and support me. He held me, he cried with me, and he has been there with me every step of the way. I did well for a couple of weeks, then he went on vaction and I fell right back into the mess. Kept telling myself that when he got back I would never touch the stuff again. I'm in counceling right now which is helping me get through this, but I keep messing up. I do fine as long as I stay sober, but when I decide to drink ,I drink to get drunk and soon all my logic goes right out the window. I don't lie about these slip ups, but the truth is everyone who is involved in my life is ready to give up hope for me. They believe it is as easy to walk away from as it was to walk into it. It's not. I struggle everyday with this battle raging in my head. It's a battle I want to win. Thank God that I am being given another chance at life. It's not to late for me to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move forward. A good family friend called after one of my slip ups and said to me something that will stay with me my whole life. It gave me hope when I had none. She said to me "Don't let one step backward keep you from moving forward." I can do this. I'm not giving up on myself and I will take one day at a time putting one foot in front of the other. -------

Glad you are here
Addiction is a fatal disease. the obsession and compulsive thoughts about using can sometimes be overwhelming. I went through the same feelings early in my recovery. All I can suggest is what worked for me. surrounding myself with other recovering addicts. I got involved in 12 step meetings and reached out to other members. I got that glimpse of where I was going to wind up while I was on a max security prison yard. I saw an older man with life in prison with no possibility of parole shooting dope in his cell. I completely picyured that as myself in 35 more years, and it scared me. Anyways, I could never stay clean without the help of others also in recovery. Hang in there and believe me, it does get better.

and I also keep in mind, I'm one beer away from a joint, away from a line, away from a needle, away from prison, and away from DEATH

i completley understand what your saying and im proud of you for the courage that you have to be honest. unfortunately i wasent blessed with that courage and i found myself continuously lying to others and eventually to myself which led me to a point that i had to reach to finally get the help i really needed. im happy that your in counseling i believe that may help you more than if you were to do it on your own. what struck me was what you said about the drinking...

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but when I decide to drink

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the keyword there is decide. when you decide to drink. i hope that by seeing this you see that your the one who makes the decision to drink so the "slip up" can be avoided by the decision you can make not to drink. its very important that you realize that you are powerless over drucks. including drinking. even you said that when you drink...

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when I decide to drink ,I drink to get drunk and soon all my logic goes right out the window.

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if all your logic goes out the window than its like you deciding to give all logic to the alchohol.
i also know its frustrating when people want to give up on you but just as you would like them to understand you, you also in return have to understand them. its not easy to give people support and then see them continously mess up again. its a feeling of bieng failed just as you may feel failed by them ...
hang in there and take care. take baby steps and learn to crawl before you walk, once you can walk youll slowly learn to run. just remmember baby steps and dont give in so easily to the decision to use.

Thanks
 

Thanks for the support and understanding. I do realize that it is my choice and I'm trying to make the right decisions. I haven't always thought things through before jumping in head first which is how I ended up with these addictions in the first place.