adoberose

Hi
I am not too sure where I should be posting this, you see I am a recovering addict. I have been Clean for 19 years.

I am involved with a man that is an addict and an alcoholic. I have been with him now for about 16 months and have mantained my soberity. I think at first I was beyond all that and could maintain my soberity with out a problem and in the process I would be able to help him through his. He has done well up until the last couple of months. I have become so overwhelmed and lost by his behavior that I found myself on the street looking for some help last night. I am not talking na or aa. I truly don't know what stopped me from using it other then Our Lord Jesus Christ. I Love the man that is sober and happy but this man that has taken over my man is not the man I Love. I can't believe that after so many years that it was still the need to take care of things with my drug of choice years ago. I don't even know where that came from. Now I am so confused as well as alone right now I am afraid of what could happen.

Ninerfan

Welcome Adoberose: Just got off work and saw your post. Sounds like you need a friend. Fortunatly there are plenty here and on the alanon and naranon boards. Affairs of the heart seem to have their own logic. And I certainly don't understand why a usually rational person(me) will get involved with a still using newcomer, but I did. Actually it was a wanna be romance. I wanted her but I had enough program in me at that time to know that this was all wrong. But I had to have her and so did a lot of others. Oh the heartbreak!!! I survived and didn't drink over it, came close, but didn't drink. Thats my point Rose. Just don't drink or use no matter what I wish relationships had rules to follow. This one is right for me but that one isn't so I'll do the sensible thing and pick the winner. Not

I think I know how you feel cause I have a little time myself and I still find myself doing stupid things. Things I used to do when I was drinking. Just when I think I've grown out of bad behaviours WHAM!!! My ego strikes again, or I take back my will and life that I had previously turned over to my HP. It can be frustrating...But what is our alternative? To drink? or to use? I don't think so. That is no answer at all. You take care and visit us again

Paulie

Adoberose-

I dont' know how to respond to you except first to welcome you to the forum. I hope you continue to post. The difference between this site and a live meeting (at least meetings where I live) is that here we respond to your quesitons. Live meetings where I live there is no cross talk allowed.

So here I go. I can only speak for myself here. I am recovering addict who has been blessed to have 7 hrs clean and sober. I live with a man who I used with for many years and who also has 7 years sober. I was asked once what I would do if he started using and my response was "I would hope I would run away as fast as i can, but I can't say that for sure". I am an addict first befor eanything else. I do not allow myself to be around using people. If Paul, starting using, because of the life we have built together these past 6 years (we stayed apart the first year of recovery) I don't know how I would handle it. Also because of the history we have using together. You would think that would make me leave, and I hope and pray that it would.

You know what you need to do - you need to take care of yourself first!!! You cannot do his recovery - even if he does want it. Could anyone do recovery for you? They sure could not for me. Pray, hit your knees and ask God what you should do, your heart will get the right answer.

I will pray for your willingness to listen. sometimes, for me it is hard to listen to what I should be doing. And I personally dont' care if you have 1 yr,. or 20 yrs. we are all human and we are all addicts. but you are doing the right thing, reaching out for help.

Take care and keep posting.

adoberose

Thank you for listening Ninerfan and Pauline,
I would like to say that I do feel guilt right now. I have told you part of my story and not knowing yours. I guess what I am saying is that I am afraid that I am telling you that the addict is still there after 19 years so and that it may scare someone into the Stinky thinking once again. I pray that isn't the case. I do believe that I put myself here in this place totally aware of what I was getting into and turly believing that I was strong enough to handle what ever was to come.
I suppose I am so angry and disappointed in myself that I have the feeling of it doesn't matter any more. I need to find something to do that is constuctive to do with myself this weekend. Does anyone have any sudjestions?

Paulie

Read Recovery related material and hit as many meetings as you can.

That is my opinion of very constructive things that you can do for yourself.

Good luck and God Bless.

Ninerfan

Good Morning Rose...You can hang out on the net all day and veg out. Read the alanon posts, you might find some help there. Go to a movie, take a walk, Best of all, be around people who are sober. But I have a question. Did you get your 19 years on your own or with help.

And Pauline so happy to hear you have 7 hrs. clean.

Paulie

Thanks Ninerfan - I did not do it alone.

zanath

You are a strong woman Just remember that there is always one second at a time to start from. I would suggest that you take a minute to do one thing that makes you happy today.

adoberose

That is a good question. <BR>I didn't have help as you would think. I found out I was PG March 18th became widowed march 27 1984 . my husband and I did our thing as a team you could say. I had been with him for 8 years and out of that 8 years I think maybe 5 were clean. But finding out I was pg. I then thought it was not fair to have this unborn child suffer my additions. We both decide to make an solid effort in kicking it. Because we felt that this child didn't ask to be here, we brought him here. The night my husband was killed I went into a state of mind that was unreachable for anyone including myself. About 4 months later I was told that they had to take my child. I had another 21 weeks to go before my due date. I was then set into another world that was numbing. I hadn't touched a drug sence the night my husband was killed. When the doctor came into my room and said that he had a 50 % chance of living I couldn't bare it I didn't even go to see him for the first 11 days of his life. All I could think of was where could I get some. Then they came in and told me that he was going to make it. That he had overcome the worst of being premature. He was breathing on his own after 6 hour of his birth, and that the heart surgery was doing great. I finally named him still in a fog. I don't remember the first year of his life. On his first birthday I woke up and began to see that I did in fact have him here with me and that I would do everything in my power to give him a clean and sober mom. He deserved that much. It took 5 years before I began to date again and when I did I found an alcholoic. I was with him for almost 2 years before I realized that he was the worst thing I could do for me son. I up and moved away from it all. I didn't look back. I have not been in a relationship until this one. It sure makes one wonder if this relationship is all worth it. <BR> Today my son is a strong and very levelheaded young man and the joy of my life. <BR> WOW! you know that could be a lot of what is going on with me today. You see he left home for College in June and I have been feeling a bit lost. Maybe I have taken on the roll of care taker for Mark now. I don't know I am still grasping at straws and not able to grab one that is understandable.
<BR>Thanks all for being there. <BR>
Pauline Congratulations You are doing great. Keep up the good work.

Ninerfan

Thanks for sharing Rose: That clears things up a little. If you can kick drugs, bury a husband, give birth, and raise a healthy son then you have a deep resevoir of strength. Your story reminds me of something I read in our Big Book. Something about if something in your life becomes more important than liqour then you can stop all on your own. Your son seems to have given you all the reason you needed at that time to quit.

You may need another reason now. I'm playing amateur psycholigist right now, so get the grains of salt ready. Question: have you gone to NA meetings and/or AA meetings? If not what about alaonon or naranon. You qualfy for all of those meetings. For sure NA and NarAnon. You don't seem to need my help to stay sober but in AA we learn how to do life and stop making wrong choices that lead us back to drinking/druging. Again, continue to post, happy to hear from you. You sound better already

Morning Glory

Happy Birthday adoberose!!!!!


Hugs,
MG

adoberose

Thank You Morning Glory that means so much.

Paulie

I would also like to say Ditto to that!!!

Tinker

Thanks for your honesty. Speaking only for me, I have to say that not only am I a alcoholic and addict..I am co-dependent. Have not met many that are not. For me relationship addictions are harder than any. I spent my entire life taking his tempreture to see how I am feeling. I know that by going to coda I was able to build my self esteem and know that I can not get him sober or drunk just like anyone else. My relationship was built on two sickies trying to make a wellie. When I worked on my part in it, the relationship ended. I found out that is why I never would work on it. I prayed about it, hoped for it, and pushed him for it...but it was not meant to be. When we meet we were both drunks and once I got sober we just were not compatable ..not that made him bad or lesser of a human than me.

I spent years alone and found out who Tinker was...when I hooked up with my husband now of 12 years we did something I never did. We set boundaries...we both went out even after meeting in sobriety. This time he has told me that he will do anything for me but watch me self destruct or die. That alone is not enough to keep me sober as you can not scare a alcoholic...however since I want this relationship to work and I want a good life I have put my program first. And he does the same.

I do not have a answer for him, but COda and Alanon are good starts. I liked COda as it did not teach me how to live with a alcoholic because personally I do not want to. It did teach self esteem which in turn allowed me to make decisions not out of self will and low self esteem but through wanting a better life for me. So far its working. Hope you can get something out of this rambling. And I will pray for you.

Love Tink