Cheating in active addiction - experiences?

Old 05-17-2023, 02:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Cheating in active addiction - experiences?

Dear All,

First of all I want to say what an amazing community you are. I have been reading in this forum now for one week and I am so amazed by all the caring answers and how much time everyone takes to give some words of encouragement and empathy.

I hope you can forgive the long read.

Me, 32, him 34.

I met an amazing man last year and after two months or so he revealed to me that he himself believes to be suffering from a cocaine addiction. (Recreational use since mid twenties, addicted since 3 or 4 maybe?)

At the beginning I did not understand what this means, what it meant for him and how it could affect me. I researched everything I could find on addiction and came to the understanding of the three c’s. But as many people now in this forum, understanding them and living them are two very different things. As we did not live together his addiction did not affect me directly.

But of course I did suffer to some extend. As many of you experienced it is heartbreaking to watch when a person you love descents into self loathing and self destruction. After a time I always “knew” when it was time so to speak. That did something to me. It brought suffering to my life, to an extend I did suffer with him.

After a while I realised that his suffering had nothing to do with me and I could detach better. Since I knew he was in therapy I could relax a bit. Sadly, he did not like the NA meetings (red flag, I know now, since reading about your experiences here on the forum).

We established that he will tell me about every “relapse”. He would be using every 8 days or so, always alone in his apartment. I believe he told me about every time. I introduced him to NA and helped him find a behavioural therapy, which he has started in March. (We have known each other since May last year). At the beginning of the year, after grasping the severity of the problem more and more, I told him I will not drink anymore in his presence. Not sure if he also had a problem with alcohol but through my research on addiction and sleep (alcohol affects sleep greatly) I was sure that alcohol did not help. He did not stop drinking occasionally.

I was not upset since I knew that it is a very personal journey and that he himself needs to come to the conclusions about what helps him and what not. I never finger pointed but I lead by example, how I TRY to make good choices through out the day to keep a minimal control over my mental health (here I have to say that I do not suffer from any mental issues except maybe the universal suffering of life from time to time)

During all our time together he was the most loving and caring partner anybody could wish for. No toxicity of any kind from both sides.

At every “relapse” I would just tell him: Hey, this is normal, nobody changes ANY habit while first starting to. It is a lifelong journey. You will get there. But you must put the work in it every decision you take during the day (eating well, sleeping well, not too much screen time, sport, finding new hobbys etc. )

I would have honest conversation with him that since we are together our futures are linked and his decision influence my future. If he continues to make “bad” choices (going out to clubs, even if not taking cocaine, drinking etc.) I cannot stay with him since I want to start a family in the next 2 - 4 years.

Since he had quite bad luck since corona with his business, client cancelling jobs, and of course because of his addiction, he had some money problems. I offered to him beginning of the year, that he could move into my flatshare for 3 months March - June, so he can supplet his apartment and get some relief from paying double rent (office and apartment).

He moved in March while I was still travelling. I came back (he was living in my room already for 2 weeks or so) and we just had the most lovely time.

Before he moved in I told him my boundaries: when you move in and you feel the need to use and use you cannot sleep in my bed for two days, you need to ask a friend so you can sleep there. If you decide to drink, you also need to sleep somewhere else for the night.

Since he started therapy in March he also decided to not drink anymore. And I knew that living in my flatshare will function as some kind of bandaide, since we are living like a family. Dinner together etc. No time to being alone and wallowing. We both were sure that he will not be using. And he did not.

Of course, we were both anxious about the time when he will be moving again to his apartment (trigger) but one day at a time.

He was away for business and told me he bought some cocaine there (Cocaine always finds them!!!!) but only took one line and threw the bag away. I believed him. He was always honest.
I do believe he was still quite an “honest” addict, if something like this even exists….. hahah you are probably laughing with pity while reading this.

After 1 1/2 months living together one Sunday night he said he had something to tell me…. I was scared because I thought he used and did not tell me effectively stepping over my boundaries.

But he told me that three days before he moved into my flatshare he used one evening and cheated on me…

He told the story like this: While he was using he got an message from an old party flirt&party ex sexual aquaintenance, he invited her over so he did not have to use alone (although he told me he ALWAYS uses alone since he does not want anybody to see him in active addiction) one thing led to the next and they had sex.

It is just awful. I am so disappointed. I just would have NEVER thought this would happen. We were so so so happy together.

I KNOW that he did in active addiction but I just dont understand the cheating.

I asked him to move out two days later so I could think, and one week later we broke up.

Would I tolerate this behaviour if he did not suffer from an addiction: NO.

Not that I couldn’t forgive cheating in the great scheme of things, I am always willing to see my part in a relationship. But we were at this stage of our relationship, very very very much in love.

There was no no no reason to cheat.

We broke up together because he came to the same conclusion as I did, that he cannot in good faith continue our relationship like this, since he cannot be a partner at the moment. He has to concentrate on his recovery.

I am 100 % with him. I always said to him that his recovery is more important than anything in the world. More important than me.

He said that he will take three months on his own and that he will hope to get back to me after the three months and to tell me if he can be the partner I deserve again…

I did not accept this. I think we need to let each other go, so that we might have the chance in one year to so to maybe choose each other again.

Three months sobriety is not enough from what I read.

But of course, I am still at an early stage of break up (three weeks), and I do still hope in the depth of my heart that we might might might have a chance again some day.

I am telling you my story since I just cannot understand that cheating. WHY? I always read that not all addicts cheat.

I do not believe he is a cheater, but what did the drug make him become?

Does anybody of you experienced something like this? Or anybody here suffering from an addiction that can relate?

thank you so much for reading!
Ruppert is offline  
Old 05-17-2023, 09:53 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hey Ruppert
I have read over your thread twice and im sorry you are hurting.
I finished with my partner as he promised he was not doing coke and I found out he got it delivered to my house. I was so upset. Drug dealers at my door.
I asked him to go doctor or get help and instead he went back straight away to his addict ex. So im sure they must have been in contact or he never told her he was committed to me at any point. I think addicts like to keep their options open and its easy to use with somebody who uses too.
Its really, really sad but unless they want to change and give it up you will always be second guessing.
I have also heard that cocaine also can lead to a higher risk of casual sex as thats the high with it.
I have been in no contact now for two months, he does not care, he is off using. Sometimes when you enforce your boundaries you hurt, if he was meant to be in my life he would have been??
Try concentrate on yourself for a while, one day at a time.
I miss my ex with all my heart but drugs for me are a no go, I need to protect myself and you do too.
So sorry for your hurt. If you read co dependent no more by Melody Beattie it might help you. It has helped me.
B x
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Old 05-22-2023, 06:23 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
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It sounds like you are making the right decision by ending it. When he said he only did one line, that isn't at all true. He did as many lines as he could afford.
RunningScared is offline  
Old 05-23-2023, 10:58 AM
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trailmix's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,740
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Glad you found the forum!

Addiction is no excuse for cheating. You are either a cheater or you aren't - full stop.

As the saying goes, what do you have when a drunk horse thief sobers up - a horse thief.

Drugs or no drugs, this was planned and executed by him. He called her to his place "one thing led to another". Men in a relationship don't invite other women, alone, to their apartment. So what you have is a character flaw. Now, if this might not have happened if he wasn't addicted to cocaine, no way to say. He is not two people, the addict and the "good guy" he is one person, the guy who is in active addiction.

In my opinion you absolutely did the right thing. You are looking out for yourself which is the only way to go in this situation. He lied to you, he betrayed you and while it's admirable he confessed, it falls flat. How can you ever trust him again.

It hurts! No question, but you will get through this. Take good care of yourself. All those things you suggested to him, those are things for you, eat well, get good sleep. Connect with family and friends. Tell people your story, if it has been a secret up until now, it's not your secret to keep. These things thrive in secrecy.

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Old 06-01-2023, 10:59 PM
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Steely's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,838
He didn't throw the bag away. I don't like him. He took advantage of your naivety.

i think you've made a wise decision.

Steely is offline  
Old 08-08-2023, 06:28 PM
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Alysheba's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,874
You did make a wise decision. Don't see him anymore.
Maybe there are some addicts that don't cheat. I have been raised with addicts and surrounded by them. Almost all of them cheat from my memory bank, including my father and my married sister. I've know people who are outside my family who are addicts and they cheat. You cannot trust a person who is actively using. It's like a house of cards.
I'm so sorry for your pain, but this guy was a good one to give the boot to. Really, not much integrity there.
Best of luck to you. Please don't spend too much time thinking about him. The addict in him isn't worth it.
Alysheba is offline  

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