CallMeJosh

Today’s struggle is to NOT refill my medicine and then abuse it. I just want to be normal. I’m hopeful for the day when I don’t have thoughts like that and can go about my day without this internal argument where my logical rational adult self is arguing with this whiny adolescent that “but I might get high and feel really good for about an hour!”

But then that’s it. Then the withdrawals, robbed happiness, time with loved ones as I go through the ritual of getting high.. if I even do. More often than not the “high” was some positivity for an hour followed by depression and regret.

CallMeJosh

I keep redirecting my thoughts.. when I want to use or drink I tell myself that isn’t the answer.. but man.. I really just want that serotonin and happiness.. even if it is for an hour or so. I won’t. I can’t. I simply can’t sustain it. I can’t keep using and drinking.. it’s an endless cycle and I end up depressed and withdrawing..

Dee74

Stay strong Josh.

Like I said up thread it’s not really happiness you’re chasing…the addicted part of you wants oblivion, with no regard for your well being or your future.

I was drunk or stoned for so long that I thought that state of mind was happiness…but it’s not.

Change will come so long as you stick to recovery

D

CallMeJosh

I should change the name of this thread to “Josh whines and Dee says it’s normal and encourages sobriety.”

I’m sorry all I do is whine. I really am trying.. thanks for the encouragement Dee

Dee74

No problems at all Josh. I’ve been there too

D

CallMeJosh

Clearly, I am much like an addict on that I have no patience and want instant gratification. “Feel better NOW.”

doesn’t work like that I guess..

Dee74

lol my patience got a lot better too ...but yeah I didn't end up in the lowest of the low depths after only a few weeks drinking - it took years... I had to accept it would take a little while (not years!) to feel good again

D

CallMeJosh

Just another great day in the neighborhood. Telling myself that drugs and drinking is no way to go through life.. the voice in my head is Dean Werner from Animal House.. “drunk and high is no way to go through life, son.”

PugDec

Thank you Josh for documenting your recovery. I admire your determination in the face of so much temptation.

I had to separate myself from my gf. She chose not to be as courageous as you and is choosing to wreck her life and destroy relationships.

You give me and others hope that addiction can be overcome.

I'm pulling for you

Dee74

I love Animal House

D

CallMeJosh

Pug,

I’m too soon in to my recovery to properly appreciate and honor your kind words. I’m documenting this to keep myself accountable.

secretly I want to be like Dee and help others. Dee has always had nothing but kind words.. but I know I cannot be good for anyone - if I cannot be good for myself. I want to refill my meds so bad and abuse them.. then in a week or so, I’ll be back here whining about Day 1. It just doesn’t matter. It never… *NEVER* changes.

it really helps knowing my words are helping others.. and further keeps me wanting to be accountable to not only myself, but for others.

usually at this point.. day 10 to 14 I’m close to relapse. Not this time. I know I don’t have a choice anymore. I use and abuse and then withdraw. Become depressed. Nothing changes. So I’m going to try being sober. It cannot be worse than scheming for pills or jonesing for a drink.

love you all. I’m still here. Still sober.

Dee74

I went through the same thing Josh - I knew I couldn't help anyone if I couldn't help myself.

Gradually I realised I knew quite a bit about the right (and wrong) things to do - I'd just rarely followed my own advice...
I felt more comfortable giving advice as time went on

D

CallMeJosh

Continuing from the last post -

Ryan Donnelly. Ever googled “withdrawal relief” or anything related to getting clean on YouTube? He popped up for some time.

I’d love to get to the level he was at.. he stated he had a fair amount of clean time before he helped others get clean and essentially tell his story.

long story short, he had a forum/message board for a bit and it’s really not anything anymore.. sporadic posts of support and a revolving door. Ryan passed away a few years back from a medical issue. He was running and in great shape - and above all, clean and sober.

So Pug, again, I’m happy my words and struggle help others.. but this is only the beginning. I really want to do good for others.. but first I have to be in a good sober place. 12 days sober is barely sober. Slow and steady..

CallMeJosh

Nothing new to add. Still sober. Still thinking of bottles.. beer, liquor, pills.. any bottle. But realizing that they just don’t help.. they slow the inevitable: me getting sober. They don’t even work anymore.. they leave me feeling like Father Hennessy in the film Constantine.. he’s the guy in the liquor store drinking bottle after bottle yet nothing comes out.. he can’t seem to drown the voices in his head.

so anyway. Trying this sobriety thing because getting hammered just doesn’t work like it used to. Day 15.. nearly done.

Dee74

The next two weeks will hopefully be easier Josh

D

VikingGF

Good work on day 15, Josh. Keep it up, you’re doing great. It will get easier, don’t think that it will always be so hard. It takes time, but every day you put behind you as a sober person makes you stronger.

CallMeJosh

Man today.. I am just over it. Hardly anything happened and I was ready to go back to bed. F it. F today. Ready for the happy times and positivity. Trying to remain hopeful and open minded. I didn’t become an addict overnight.. but breaking this habit and addiction isn’t hard or difficult, it’s a mind game. I’m too stubborn this time around to give in. I did the “if I can just have one more refill.. I will manage them responsibly.” Well three years later.. here I am. I can only imagine how I’d feel if I was three years sober. Before anyone says “you’ll get there” - I’m just not in the mood for that. Not today. Today is a struggle. I hope it gets better. Tomorrow is another day.

CallMeJosh

Heyyyyy I’m so excited! Another day where I just want to sleep it away and wake up high. I mean happy. Yeah.. happy. Ok. Staying sober and hoping I have a better attitude soon. Today isn’t the day. I was hoping it would be..

Dee74

I still thin’ you’ll look back and see your next two weeks are a lot better Josh

D

CallMeJosh

I can NOT see how it won’t be better. I think faster.. not as “cloudy.” But Dudeski. The emotions.. anyway. Craving cake. Anything with sugar. This is new. I used to smoke. I could go for a Marlboro red. I’ll try and inhale it all in one puff. Head rush.

is there anything that isn’t addictive behavior? Ohhhh the emotions.. I cannot help but laugh a bit.

still sober. Just inpatient.