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Broke up with bf and he got sober. I am seeing someone new and now am conflicted?


Broke up with bf and he got sober. I am seeing someone new and now am conflicted?

Old 02-04-2023, 10:07 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 15
Broke up with bf and he got sober. I am seeing someone new and now am conflicted?

Ex and a broke up after 8 years. He spiraled downwards and turned into a person I didnít even know. He was an alcoholic and I begged him to get sober so we could have the life we dreamed of and he lied to me for months and said he wasnít drinking when he was. It got so bad to the point where I had no choice but to move out and get away from him because my mental health was spiraling so so far down. I left him 6 months ago and he is 6 months sober yesterday. We dated from when I was like 16-24 and grew up together and I never saw a life without him in it. When we separated I told him maybe when he was six months sober we could talk he would not give me the space I needed and harrassed me and made me feel so anxious that I got angry and pushed him away. I am now seeing someone who was a great family treats me so good and I donít think Iíll ever be treated this good again. I didnít want a relationship I wasnít looking for one it just fell into my lap and I went with it. I now realize is was way to soon and I was no where near over my ex at all and I still am not. I also never thought my ex would make it to 6 months sober so I did what I had to do to move on. For some reason I canít stop thinking about this 10 page letter my ex wrote me about everything heís sorry for and I feel so bad I never gave him the chance to redeem himself when he was sober. I am stuck and I donít want to make the wrong choice and go back jst to go back to that pain when I worked so hard to get away from it. But at the same time Iím scared I am supposed to be with him and that my anxiety is keeping me from even having a convo with him. I miss him sometimes and itís often and I feel bad because I love my new boyfriend but I also still love my ex. He asked me a few weeks ago if we could have a conversation in person so he can move past this part of his life and heís about to be 6 months and I said I just want ready and that I am in therapy. I just want to be happy I donít want to jeapardize what I have with this new guy I care about him a lot and he makes me happy but I canít stop thinking about my ex having kids with someone else and being the man I begged him to be for someone else. I have prayed and talked to my therapist about just receiving some type of clarity. I donít really know if heís sober I just know what he says and heís lied so many times before. He has posted that he is sober. He has reached out a million times and I have shut him down out of fear and i am scared im doing the wrong thing. I texted him that I am proud of him for his sobriety and hope he is doing okay and he never responded until after the weekend. He said sorry it took him long to respond heís still upset and angry about a lot of things and doesnít wanna act out of emotions so idk if he is changed or if he is still living the same life because he didnít answer until Monday and he used to party every weekend itís the same patterns. He texted me Thursday night at 11pm saying heís always here for me and that he understands me and if I need anything heís there. Iím just so lost I love my ex so much and I donít think I will ever stop loving him but he makes my anxiety so bad and idk how I would deal with it with him being in addiction and trying to be sober. All Iíve seen is him being a mess drunk everyday Iíve seen the worst of it so I would be terrified of it slipping back to that and me not knowing because he would lie about not drinking. Then I have this beautiful man with a beautiful family who Iím dating not who wants to love me through it all and who supports me in whatever descision I make even if itís not him. He is the most patient person I have ever met in my entire life and I love him. I just think I love my ex in a different way that I canít explain. Has anyone else been in this situation I really need help and support im not sure what to do Iím not sure if I should just be alone? I know new guy is good for me he really is the dream guy and I LOVE HIM but Iím IN love with my ex. Wtf do I do plz help me
Struggling190 is offline  
Old 02-04-2023, 01:00 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,745
Hi struggling190

Iím not a relationship expert but I do know that sometimes the things we want are not the things that we need.

Anyone can say theyíre sober. I see from your other threads heís lied about that before.

Even if for argument sake heís telling the truth, sometimes you can build up a rosy nostalgia for a past relationship, where you only remember the good things, or you try and convince yourself the only problem was your exes drinkingÖ from your posts, Iím not sure it was?

Your new guy sounds greatÖyou deserve better than what you had, I think.

Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-07-2023, 06:33 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 15

I realize this thread is old so maybe it's sorted by now but definitely 6 months is not a long time to be sober at all. My ex just relapsed after 6 months and is now only 1 months sober. Seems like you have a better thing going with the new guy. And I'd go forward, not back.
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