Lp86

I posted this in the friends and family section here, but because it’s so slow over there somebody suggested I post here.

My wife is 16 weeks pregnant, presumably with my child. It definitely was not planned and I put a great deal of the blame on myself. I love her very much but hate her at the same time. She’s addicted to heroin and was actively using during the early part of the pregnancy for about a month after she found out she was pregnant. I was not aware of the pregnancy during that time. She finally confessed to me when she was around 12 weeks pregnant. She’s under a doctor’s care now and is on prescription Suboxone since that’s what they say is the safest option for the pregnancy. She’s 16 weeks now and just had a checkup this morning where everything looks as ok as it can be given the situation.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Free2bme888

No, but I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

Do you also use?

Are you willing to be financially and morally responsible for this child whether it’s yours or not?

Are you willing to support and enable a heroin user?

im not sure which country you are from, or if a woman goes to jail for harming an unborn child?

Im sure someone will post that can be more helpful than giving you deep questions that you must answer for yourself.

Lp86

I should have provided more details.

I’m not a user, never have been. Most people assume that I must be because why else would I still be married to her?

She was clean when we met and got married, but her drug issues predate me. She became addicted to opiates after being prescribed pain meds after an injury at 16, was using heroin by 18. She got clean at 21 and was
clean for 5 years. It was during that time we met and got married. I knew about her past drug problems before we got married, although she waited a while after we started dating to tell me about it. By that point I was already in love with her and I chose to ignore the rational side of my brain that kept saying this wasn’t a good idea. But when she was clean she was totally together - physically fit and active, attractive, successful and ambitious with her job, ate healthy, intelligent. It was easy to convince myself all of those problems were behind her even though in reality I know addiction, especially to something like heroin, usually isn’t that simple.

I’m 35, she’s 29. She relapsed about 3 years ago and she’s had small blips of being clean in that time but nothing lasts. Part of me knows I probably should have left 3 years ago. It’s not been easy and I’ve become an angry person because of it. I am aware of codependency, have read about it quite a bit, I know ways that I’ve enabled her and continue to enable her.

Now I’m in this situation where I feel like I probably have to leave her for the sake of the baby and for my own sanity. It’s hard because I still love her and part of me still hopes she’ll get clean and we can raise our child together. She’s doing what she’s supposed to do right now,l and keeps saying she’ll do anything for me to not leave her and to not take her baby away from her, but I know talk is cheap with her. She’s switched to the suboxone, is going to the doctor, is overall making some healthier choices, but it’s not enough to convince me she’s making a full effort here. I’d like to give her a chance but also don’t want to screw this baby up anymore than they might already be.

Free2bme888

As an alcoholic, nothing mattered more to me than alcohol.

NOTHING.

I did things I look back and I’m appalled, but I’m no longer her.

Before I was addicted to alcohol, I had a brief marriage to an alcoholic, when he got treatment, all of us spouses were sat in a circle for a meeting. The question was posed, “when your addict relapses, will you be there for him or her?” And nods of yes, and murmurs of ‘of course’ circled to me.

i said “no, I’m gone”. And he did, and I left. No regrets. I think he’s dead now.

So my want to quit came from ME. It HAS to come from the addict, doesn’t matter an unborn child, or nuptial promises, or driving under the influence and harming others.

ANYTHING to get our drug of choice, any lie, and treatment start, ANYTHING.

Please keep this in mind as you have so much to think about.

You have nothing to gain by staying, and everything to gain by taking a step away, permanent or temporary.

My suggestion is to read here on family and friends, read their posts, what they go,through, wondering if they should stay or go. You will find some stories that might help get you some answers.

Find out if the baby is yours, if you have legal obligations first. If you do, that baby needs you to be your best, you are the best chance as a sober parent to give it the fullest chance of a decent life.

That chance doesn’t happen with an active addict, not for you, or your possible child.

big hugs

dustyfox

What a terrible situation. Right now the thing that matters most is the baby.
I don't know what country you are in but I believe social services should probably be informed to help your wife and the baby when it is born. If your wife is an addict it is not safe for her to be responsible for a baby.
You must already know the terrible damage drugs and alcohol can do to babies in utero - the effects can be long lasing.
I do hope you/ your wife get some help. She will need it. The baby will definitely need it.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

slimjim30

I'm no Doctor, but I've read a lot about this.

If your wife is on Suboxone or Methadone there's a 50/50 (or therabouts) chance of the baby going through withdrawal when born. If she stays on street drugs the chance is higher. If she goes through withdrawal (to hide it) she may have a spontaneous miscarriage. As such, the OBGYN absolutely MUST know about your wife's situation. A withdrawing baby will be kept in the NICU while he/she is weaned (usually with Methadone or Morphine).

The long term consequences for the child are not that well studied, but sure will be in 20+ years as this is sadly very common right now.

I'n my view there are two types of Heroin addict. The type they show on TV who are thieving, sharing needles, living under bridges etc. The other type are those that can afford their habit, maintain carefully, and are doing what they can to quit:

1. If your wife is the former my personal opinion may be unpopular but I'll share it anyway. Your wife is in no state to be a Mother right now, and for the sake of the baby and his/her future I would strongly consider abortion. If that's not possible, I'd be prepared to divorce her and seek sole custody of the baby due to her being an unfit parent. I guess I sound like an a**hole, but the needs of the baby trump the needs of the addict every time.
2. If she is the latter then you need to discuss her plans for getting and remaining clean after the birth. You need to be clear about what you will and won't accept. Document everything so that if she goes off the rails you have the evidence you need to protect your child.

I am a Heroin addicted Father and thus far have kept it hidden from my son. I keep trying to quit and am trying again right now. I have not let it affect our family (yet), but am aware of the consequences I'll face if I do.

At the end of the day it is your wife, child and situation, so I may be misreading. You know your wife best.

Lp86

It took me a while to realize the absolutely nothing was going to to “convince” her to get treatment. The begging and pleading for her to get help and get clean ended a while ago because it was useless. I learned it well before the pregnancy happened.

Now people try to tell me things like “she needs to be in a treatment program, put her in a residential treatment program and keep her there for as long as possible” and “get her thrown in jail.” They mean we’ll but they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s not that simple and it’s not something I actually have any control over. Then they say “well, the baby will automatically be taken away from her at birth.” Wrong again, at least where we live.

We’re in the US, but our state doesn’t classify prenatal drug abuse as child abuse or a crime and pregnant women are not forced to get treatment nor are they automatically stripped of parental rights. I’ve seen a lawyer and he’s even advised that it’s not uncommon for an addict to say and do enough of the right things that child protective services may investigate and give the addict a chance to take their baby home. This part terrifies me because my wife like so many other addicts is such a good manipulator and she can really make it look like her **** is together sometimes. It’s one of the things that scares me the most about divorcing her. What if the court allows her to have any sort of custody and alone time with this baby? I would like her to have a chance to get healthy and to be involved with her baby in a safe way but I cannot trust her alone at this point and even her own mother agrees with me. If I stay married there’s this stupid part of my brain that thinks I can control the situation, I can then be sure she’s never alone and responsible for the baby. I know this comes from the unhealthy codependent part of my brain.

Just yesterday she accidentally took a pill that was meant for our dog. She was so out of it in the Suboxone that she took the pill herself. What if she was so out of it that she gave the wrong pill to a little kid? And that’s not even one of the worst things I’ve pictured accidentally happening to a baby in her care.

We went to the clinic to have blood drawn and cheeks swabbed for the DNA test yesterday morning. She’s not doing it for me or anyone else, just to prove everyone wrong. A week and $900 later I’ll have a definite answer. I do believe it’s my baby but I know enough that she can never be fully believed about anything anymore. She once told me she had been diagnosed with a fatal disease and it ended up just being for laughs….

Lp86

Thanks for the info and for the honesty about your own situation.

She hid the pregnancy and was using heroin through about week 12. I know that it was incredibly difficult and embarrassing for her to seek medical care and admit to her drug use, but she eventually did and has been on Suboxone for about a month now. When I found out about the pregnancy and that she had knowingly been using heroin for at least a month and didn’t say anything to me or reach out for some kind of help I was just so enraged that I left our home and haven’t moved back in. I couldn’t be around her, but I was and still am equally mad at myself for this pregnancy occurring in the first place.

My wife isn’t a thieving, dirty, needle sharing troll-like person living under a bridge, yet. I think that’s what most people who have no experience with it think of when they hear “heroin addict.”

In reality, I don’t think a stranger on the street would look at her and have any clue what kind of struggles she was having. I do notice a difference in her appearance, but I remember what she looked like at the peak of her health and sobriety. She doesn’t look like a strung out junkie. She isn’t very functional at this point though. She maintained enough appearances for a year into this current period of usage. She was slipping but she held a job, went out of the house and still did things with friends, managed to get some tasks done around the house. Now she’s no longer employed, spends a majority of her time sleeping (5 hour naps in the middle of the day, etc.), lies, has ruined our finances, doesn’t clean up after herself at all. She’s overdosed once since I’ve known her and has been admitted to the hospital for other problems related to the drug use.

Since being on the Suboxone I see so much of the old clean version of her but it’s all fake. She’s still really sleepy and out of it a lot of the time and has asked for them to reduce her dosage because she hates the way she feels but they declined to do that at the time. She’s depressed because now she actually has to live with the reality of what’s happening in her life and can’t escape it all by getting high. But she’s making efforts to not sleep all day, she cleaned the whole house, she’s doing normal every day things that she had just stopped doing previously.

I don’t think she can have responsibility for a child right now. It’s not safe and she can’t be trusted. She begs me to not take her baby away and to give her a chance to prove she can be a good mom. It makes me so sad. I do want her to have a chance, but it can’t be like any normal mom who just leaves the hospital with her baby. She cannot he left unsupervised at this point and I don’t know what she’d have to do for me to every trust her to that degree. She’s definitely not doing enough to prove anything to me now.

trailmix

Hi Lp, glad you found the forums but sorry for what brings you here, of course.

No, people in active addiction don't make good parents, you're right about that and no, she can't be trusted with an infant.

I would recommend that you read the threads (and post of course if you would like to) over in Friends and Family of Alcoholics (addiction is addiction right).

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

While the details of an addicted pregnancy may not be brought up often, many folks over there have experience with divorce and custody when one partner is an addict and ways you can protect your child and yourself. So it's valuable information anyway and certainly in your case.

slimjim30

In Australia being a drug addict alone is not enough of a reason to involve child protection services so I know little about them. From what I've seen, they'r likely to get involved in the USA as she is on Subs and pregnant. Subs are waaaay better than heroin though, and give her a better chance to keep the baby if that's what you two decide.

Speak to the CPS worker (if there is one). I'm sure they'll make your wife take regular pee tests etc if they let her keep the baby. I only know this from TV though.

Good luck whatever you decide.

slimjim30

I'm so sorry if I implied that - I just didn't know where she was at with her addiction.

I am a highly skilled, highly paid professional with a fantastic supportive wife and a son who loves his Dad more than anyone else in the world. I own a big house in a city where the median price is $1,000,000.

I go to work every day. I perform all my family responsibilities. My wife and I are madly in love (16 years!). She has been with me through alcoholism and now heroin addiction and not once complained. She is a saint and I dunno what I'd do without her.

I wear a suit and have a late model car (2 actually).

I am also a raging Heroin addict (we get salt not base here - perfect for snorting - 7 years of Heroin and I never have nor will use a needle). I do NOT believe all Heroin addicts are "junkies", but some are and I had to clear it up before advising you.

So please don't think I stereotype users in this way. I am not one of the destitutes, and it sounds like neither is your wife. Good luck and god speed (from an atheist).

Lp86

No, I didn’t think you implied that at all. I was just explaining what type of addict she was. Not as functional as you, but also not in the total opposite end of the spectrum either. You are right that when you say “heroin addict” most people automatically think of the bridge dwelling, scab covered, needle sharing stereotype. Sometimes o wish my wife would turn into a total monster in every way so I wouldn’t be able to see any version of the clean version of her that I married, would make it easier to leave.

trailmix

Well all addicts, whether alcohol or heroin are "high functioning", until they aren't.

You know what might make you feel a bit better is to come up with a plan.

If everything goes well and she quits the drug, all is well. But what if it doesn't and it is your child. What's your plan? The drug use is already documented (important for custody). Have you thought about where you will live? What is your boundary? If your wife uses drugs again, you're leaving?

You may already be familiar with boundaries, but they are just for you, not anyone else, they don't require anyone else to participate. You make your decision and you hold that line. So if things don't go as hoped, if your boundary is to leave, best to get all the information you will need to proceed.

Consulting a lawyer might be top of the list, to discuss finances, custody, joint property etc. Even if you don't choose divorce right away (if needed), is there a legal separation available.

If you choose to live with an addict, you really have to let that go. No amount of cajoling, wishing, nagging, anger, tears, will change anything. Acceptance is key, for your own sanity.

Your wife is an addict - period. If she gets in to recovery (and I hope she does for everyone's sake), that would be ideal. If not, you need to be/feel prepared.

In the forum I mentioned yesterday (which a pretty busy forum, so lots of support there too), there was a not dissimilar post made yesterday, from the Mother of an addict who is now pregnant.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...roduction.html (Introduction)

Lp86

Thanks. I’ll probably come back later and post a more thorough response to your post since you do make some good points. I had originally posted in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers section but received few responses - that section is pretty dead with most threads not having a more recent comment than May or earlier and I was advised to post in this section instead. I didn’t even think to check the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section though.

Faith4Truths

Mom and baby would do best going into inpatient so that she can detox or adjust to going on a medically assisted maintenance program but while she's inpatient she'll have medical supervision given her current physical state. Of course her doctor needs to know what's going on but also beware that if you don't take action, child services will be made aware and they'll look at you as neglectful as well (that shouldn't be the case but that's how they are). Doctor's are mandated reporters so they are legally obligated to report any abuse, including fetal abuse.
You can get ahead of this though, by getting her on the right path asap.
I understand why you want to leave her but that could send her into an even more downward spiral. For your baby's sake, please stick with her so that at least you can do everything you can to ensure that she gets help right away. You can't physically take your baby out of the door with you so please stay for the baby's sake.

RunningScared

Hey Lp86, how is everything going?