Priceless15

Hi everyone I'm new to all this. It started in 2018 my wedding did not go ahead in that August. (maybe everything happens for a reason) my ex partner sister had lied about me crossing her paths and her ignoring me after me helping her and her daughter due to the daughters mental health. I had decided I only wanted a small wedding me and the ex argued as I didn't want her at wedding. It soon can out she had lied and he was hurt by this as he had defended her but from then he turned to cocaine so in the April off 2019 I booked us our first holiday to have a make or break we decided to stick it out and things would changed but the cocaine didn't he and I took part just to be on his level. That September he took money from the safe I thought I was going mad until he woke me up after a binge confessed it was gambling I wasn't too happy I was gutted. Xmas past things started to improve but along came lockdown in Britain we lost his grandad 2020 valentines day things changed more the cocaine was getting out off hand I told him it's too much my 40th arrived April and from the ups and downs off drugs/ lockdown I had enough that day nothing was right that he done when in fact it was it was beautiful I was struggling mentally after helping with his grandad house it all got to much I was horrible when I shouldn't have been but we still used cocaine to talk and level out as he called it,his cousin came on the scene the cocaine got worse right through the summer mths even Xmas he had nothing for me under the tree although he worked everyday house keeping money wasn't available or money he was ment to be paying back to the safe or money spent on drugs he would always say I'll get this and sort it out Friday as he knew I was good at saving in the end I said enough no more drugs I can't do it it's too much once lock down lifts I just want quality off life so January 2021 came and I organised his birthday his 40th people where unsure off coming due to lock down rules so my dad lives up the road he came along with my brother I really tryd. Febuary came a year for his grandad passing he was still using I'd found out by me putting my foot down he was using no longer just weekends but week days I warned him this stops but April came my father had surgery my ex stopped getting home till late he made a big effort with my birthday I was chuffed I thought o this is change hurray but I didn't know he went half for my present with my brother whom was staying with us and money to take me away but by May 31st he was off to work at his sisters for a week only 20 mins away and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore I was shocked he said he needed to be away so I said right ok by the end off the week he was back in tears saying he hated himself he was unhappy in him self that he wanted me to be happy I reassured him I love him regardless and we could try different things and get past this it's our time to live but nope he was back and forth so I supported his mental health i wasn't using no more and tryd to reassure him constantly I came across needy tho and controlling as I just needed him to sort himself out see a brighter future but nope he was uncontactable and missing everyweek end his sister then told me his wasn't even staying at hers after me asking her to ensure he mad the doctors the next day he said he stayed here and there that's when to me I thought off a woman he said no one could turn his head it wasn't that he just needed to be alone October came and I found my neighbour dead 20 mins after leaving her I suffered ptsd and had a mental break down he just told me he couldn't deal with another death couple off weeks pass by, we had tickets from ages ago to an event we went and had an amazing time tillnon the way home a girl rang at 12 midnight he said its just a friend I was broken I got home and he wanted a kiss and cuddle I couldn't I just turned the key and shut the door and then november came I had the funeral which i arranged but at the funeral him and his mum turned up to be supportive I did appreciate it but it was then he wanted to see me again I thought right lets see he said he may not be able to have sex due to not been able to get an errection I was low vulnerable and he comforted me but after we slept with other the first time the 2nd time he wanted to show me something and it was a crack bottle told me it tastes lovely takes you away from everything I didn't use I didn't try something said no way inside me I slept with him a third time and he had used crack before we did but after he said your ex is a ***** I said but your my ex he said no one would want him I said don't be stupid I did that he was a good man behire this so he could sort it he said yes I know as it just recreational Xmas he said he was clean and we had sex again but when he left on the 8th I didn't see him till the 30th he looked terrible I questioned him about everything he said crack is recreational I said right **** this own your truth he said its not what you think ie this girl and just as he walks our the door says I didn't want to hurt you I couldn't understand. He left me with bills and electrics that was live from a pond he didn't maintain a koi one it has killed me yo sort it all out. January 2022 he told his mum he was using crack as she forced his hand by saying I said I will tell her what's going on if he don't she told me it's recreational nothing to worry about but he was constantly skint nearly a year later well it now after him telling me he wants nothing every week his mum is asking for things I've said everything is gone he told me to bin it charity shop it and so on. His mother also said he was seeing the girl at one point they broke up then back together I don't get any off it.15years we had been together sadly lost 3 babies failed ivf and he was setting up again with a girl with kids. His mum then says he is clean from even cannibas which he couldn't fo for ivf but then I hear nope he back using cocaine from a dealer my neighbour buys from well I'm shocked as this year he sent me an email to say I know I'm the last person you want to hear from happy birthday April and then when I said thanks he sent me another saying no point in talking you have moved on nothing has changed for sane shut different day. I've asked for mediation so the fish go but he won't do it I think it's cause I don't think he can face me I don't know but after the crack i just want to be happy in me first I can't help him he has a problem and a new life I guess but can you go back to cocsine after crack ???? I miss the old person and I don't want to see him apparently he has lived so much he don't know what he has lied about I know this is so long but I don't know my next step apart from healing ........

Priceless15

My story looking over it what a fool I am. The things he has said even his mother about he told so many lies he don't know what he has lied about. He has compared me to this girl he has broken me but I keep trying for me. His has cost me so much there's so much to this I can't belive what.ive wrote 😪😪😪💔💔💔 she is better than me and so forth and he has kids now it hurts like hell. I can't say half off the things but I'm clean 8 mths now myself and crack I never touched. His mother said he was clean after 2 weeks and rehabilitaed but I heard different......

Dee74

Hi and welcome priceless. I merged your two threads into one.
People will understand your context better that way

I think a lot of people can be taken in by a smooth talker, especially if they know what you want to hear.
I think you're best to move on - there doesn't seem to be much good in this relationship for you?

D

Priceless15

Thank you I'm glad I vented this cause reading it back,now I know why I got so ill especially I can hear him in my head now even with things he said 1 😪 it's dawned on me in a huge way I've just sobbed but I'm gona get up and ready to face this day thank you x

Priceless15

Is it true that you can use crack recreationally I don't belive so but wanted to hear from others and if you gave up crack can you simply go back to cocaine I don't belive so either on this one. But needed to ask for my head not to fall for anything

nez

I have never used crack, but I feel 100% sure that I could not use it recreationally. I have used cocaine in the past and feel 100% sure that I could not use it recreationally now either. Recreationally, moderation, once in a while, these are not concepts that are part of my reality. I am an alcoholic/addict... period. Any mood altering has to originate from inside me, not from an external source, or abuse will ensue...because I am an alcoholic/addict. One is too many because then a hundred won't be enough...because I am an alcoholic/addict. At any rate that is my story and I am sticking to it. Recreationally, no chance in hell for this alcoholic/addict. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Priceless15

Thank you for being so honest I am being blamed for everything my ex has done and its been a choice for me I didn't do crack with himbut I did struggle that cocaine I done with him on a weekend was becoming a problem but I didn't know he was using daily I'm cleans many mths now and intend to stay that way. I'll never understand why things got so bad. I'll never get the answers I don't think not now and its hard to accept

nez

When I was new and struggling with getting clean and sober, I had lots of "why" questions about myself and others. In time as my focus shifted more to "how" to stay clean and sober, the "whys" faded into the background.

Over the years, I discovered that I know the answers to the "why" questions. They came to me when I stopped trying to force the issue. I get the answers, just not on my schedule. I get the answers when the universe thinks I am ready. :~)

Leopol

Hi Priceless15,
Just wanted to drop by and say that I'm sorry for what you are going through but I feel you have your mind straightened out that this relationship is indeed not good at all and although it hurts and is extremely painful you're better off than being in that. Also you're a rockstar for being clean and you couldn't have known about his daily usage. Don't blame yourself for things that were withheld from you. Hang in there, stay strong, sending you a big virtual hug!!

Priceless15

Nez
Thank you it seems alot off people have alot to say now people realise how far he went ie his family. I know the whys will take time thank you.

Priceless15

Leopol
Thank you ive been clean since November 2021. Im doing well im engaging in finding sonething for me now. However alot off information has landed at my feet he was having an affair for 6 mths before he actually left in may 2021 himself and his family covered everything up like I was toxic or damaging to him. For Chris I only wanted the best I did push him to achieve things at times for himself and I know and reckonise mistakes I've made near the end with control but Chris always done what he wanted regardless. Its a shame the losses and lock down that happened. But they affected me too this is a huge blow about the affair. But I had a call and it was him trying to convince me that they were just friends telling me to be proud off myself getting on top that he is clean and so on I know he is not it's like he wants me to want him or he thinks I want him he apologised for the hurt and pain he caused I said right well I don't belive you on being clean or the friend thing and he just kept saying I'm sorry for the hurt they said lets leave it there for now I'll call you next week its all rubbish I know but I don't need it anymore I've finally give up on the situation I need to heal and stay clean Chris will do what he wants he always has. At one point I nearly lost my sanity after 14years relationship he ain't even ask if I need anything or if I'm ok. I've lost the respect I once had for him.

Priceless15

Everyone thank you as I'm still clean 10mths and engaging life xxxx