CallMeJosh

Hey everyone..

Awhile back Dee said I’d get tired of using and finally change my mind - and ultimately my life. She is exactly right. I stopped using pills. I’m simply tired of the rat race.

My only problem is happiness. I’m eating healthier. I’m walking. Both of which I wasn’t doing.

Today is day 1. Withdrawals, don’t even worry about them. Done them so much it just doesn’t bother me anymore. A few years back I went for a brisk walk and felt so alive..here’s to hoping I can get back to that and exercise more.

I just want to smile, laugh, and be happy - while sober.

Thanks for believing in me Dee - even when I didn’t believe in myself.

Dee74

Any time Josh - and you will feel better soon.
You’ve made a great choice

I’m a he tho, not a she

D

CallMeJosh

So sorry! I assumed. We clearly know what happens when you assume.

thank you again.. I need to grow some patience and just stick with this.

Dee74

No apology necessary
For me acceptance was key -accepting my old life wasn't working and putting faith in a new way of living.

I believe you can do it Josh

D

CallMeJosh

it’s funny you said that. I came back to this post in hopes of something earth-shattering to wake me from this paralysis of “maybe this isn’t for me.” That is exactly what I needed to hear.. I realized that what I was doing - wasn’t getting me anywhere. At all. Just a mouse on a wheel.. and years later.. same mouse, same wheel.

thanks Dee. I really needed that. Because as I sit here with new emotions and struggling to find any happiness.. my mind wanders..and wonders..but keeping it grounded in that is key: it wasn’t working. It truly was NOT. Nothing about it worked. Nothing.

CallMeJosh

Now staying in this mindset seems impossible. I can’t seem to work up the nerve or urge to do anything. Just want to sit and stare..or sleep.. pretty bad at the moment.

RunningScared

Have you thought about talking to your physician about your lack of energy?

doggonecarl

It's going to come, but it takes time. Just look how long you've been addicted and artificially generating your sense of happiness. Years? It's going to take some time for new neural pathways to be formed. In the meantime, focus less on the long-term goal of smiling, laughing, and being happy while sober--and just focus on staying clean. Do that and the outcome will surely be happiness.

CallMeJosh

Talked to a doctor - will go in for a checkup and blood work.

today is definitely a trying day. Not like yesterday. Just nosedived from doing well to wanting to just go back to bed for a month or two..bad attitude..don’t really care about anything..

I just want to be normal.

Dee74

I felt very tired for my first month and had many mood swings. I put it down to mind and body repairing itself.

I drank and did drugs for years - it was always going to take a little time to recover from all that - but I did and you will too Josh

D

Sasha4

I know for me, I experienced some either big highs or big lows.
I wasn't prepared for feeling on some sort of basic level most of the time.
When that everyday getting on with it feeling came, I realised that this is more normal than the rollercoaster of highs and lows.
It was a different way of feeling and I was not used to it.
Be kind to yourself and keep taking it one day at time.
You will get there.

CallMeJosh

Thanks for the responses.. everything has been helpful. Taking it one day at a time..

I’m either pretty depressed and push myself to do something or just really depressed and ready for a pill. That won’t happen. They make things worse. Taking solace in the fact that I am in control of my emotions - clearly I’m not doing a good job.. and that hopefully I can one day be happy. My patience is thin.. but I’ll get through it.

CallMeJosh

Definitely going through that today.. very short tempered.. don’t want to be around anyone.. I absolutely hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal.. experiencing life without thinking “I just need a pill or two.” That’s the day in a nutshell. Everything is angering me and I keep saying to myself “If I just had a pill or two, this wouldn’t anger me, this wouldn’t be bad, I’d be able to tolerate the day.” Then I ask myself: “what is wrong with me…will I ever be normal?”

CallMeJosh

Today I’m just angry. Very little patience and just angry at everything. I truly hope this gets better. I hate where I am at mentally. Does it get better? Any tips or ideas?

Dee74

Mood swings are very very common Josh.
One day, sad, then angry, another day regretful…it’s your brain resetting itself after years of self abuse, man.

It does get better - if it didn’t no one would stay in recovery

Be gentle with your self…get outside, take a walk, do something you enjoy.
Eat well and get plenty of rest.

You really will feel better but it takes time.

I drank and drugged for decades. The first month was hard but it got easier after that. The mood swings were fewer.

Things were pretty good and my moods constant at 3 months.

D

CallMeJosh

Thanks D. I knew this was the answer. I just felt like someone had the magical answer. I really hope my train of thought changes.

I keep telling myself “I never have to do this again” ya know? Just one day at a time.

thanks everyone for responding to my pitiful rants. I promise I’m gonna be better soon. I just don’t have patience at times..

Dee74

I wish I knew how to speed up the process but I just gritted my teeth and got through it.
I took a multivitamin and tried to focus on the things I should be grateful for, and each week seemed a little better than the last

D

stickyone

It's gets better just takes patience and commitment. I too was addicted to pills today will be day 700 clean. Is there times it's going to suck. Yes there will be many more days . Alot has to do with the amount you use and the time. I too used to go through withdrawals every 2 weeks cause I would abuse my prescription then be out to the next refill. Not adding all the other pills I would take. Just keep checking in , I like to go to the newcomers forums side , other members are recovering from alcohol. But we all have a similar goal be clean enjoy life minimize the suffering we put our self through. The mind goes crazy when getting clean from pills it has to rewire thinking pattern dopamine feel good sensations. Etc. I can guarantee this take the pill and you will feel good but I can guarantee you will feel just as worse as you are now after they wear off. You can do this stay strong.

Eddiebuckle

Hi Josh - good feedback in this thread. The first days are definitely the hardest, but it does continue to get better as you stay sober. Mood swings, having really limited capacity to deal with stress or complicated things, unclear thinking and really bad memory were all things I experienced. Initially I was convinced I had done permanent damage, but it passed over time. Try to look at it as part of the healing process: these things are evidence that your body is changing now that you're not using. It's NOT fun, but it does pass, and what comes afterwards is absolutely worth the effort.

Please hang in there and stay in touch!

CallMeJosh

Thank you guys so very much.. yesterday I was definitely grasping at straws.. your words are reassuring and much needed.

truly - thank you..