treeguy24

Feel really depressed and down today. About everything. Relapsing. Sexual guilt and shame I’ve been struggling with almost my whole life that seems to have become worse since I started using again.

But I get to end the day with a clear mind and not feeling like ****. Didn’t use or drink. Didn’t even really have any urges to use today. Today is day 1 after a 3 day in a row bender.

Even if my mindset isn’t quite there I really want to get out of this rut. Overcoming the shame and guilt is going to take a lot of work. I feel horrible about so much.

But I also know that with each day that passes where I don’t use or drink I start to feel better.

That’s my thoughts for this evening.

Anna

You're right, Treeguy, each day you are sober you will feel better about yourself. Good for you for getting through Day 1.

I wonder if you've considered talking to a therapist about the guilt and shame that you are dealing with? It might help.

Dee74

Well done man - you can do this
D

treeguy24

I do, it’s part of an outpatient recovery program I’ve been in for two years.

There’s many aspects to the guilt and shame I feel. On one hand it’s about relapsing the last 3 months. On the other this relapse somehow has made guilt and shame I’ve felt for something entirely unrelated to using (sex) become worse than before. I’m not sure why.

But I have both these things that are weighing heavily on me.

treeguy24

Well, I didn't use pills or drink today. For the most part I didn't think about it much either. Though there was a brief period where I was thinking about drinking but didn't. I also had a fantastic workout this morning. Felt really good!

I tried to "not be in my head" so much and obsess about all these different emotions I have about this relapse. I still have so much guilt about it. And I am the type of person that worries about things. And I'm worried about how much of a negative effect alcohol has on your body, and the fact that drinking has been a regular part of my weekly routine the last 2.5 - 3 months, even though I haven't drank everyday, it still concerns me because the days I did drink I would have usually around 4-6 drinks, but there were times I had more. But at the same time, there's nothing I can do about what I have done, I can only control what I do moving forward.

At some point I hope I can make peace with this relapse and start moving past it. I don't want to obsess about it and have it control me, but at the same time I don't want to bury it and leave the emotions unresolved, because that could easily lead to another relapse.

Dee74

congrats on another day down. I think, with time, you'll forgive yourself?

D