treeguy24

It's been a long time since I've been posted on here. I've been in an outpatient opiate addiction recovery program for just over two years. For the most part it has really helped me. I have had a couple relapses, my last major relapse being the end of last year.

Alcohol has been something of a substitute for opiates over the 7-8 years that I have been dealing with addiction / using. There have been times where if I didn't have access to opiates I would drink as a replacement. I have had two periods during these 7-8 years where I was really struggling with alcohol addiction when I wasn't using opiates, but I don't think I ever got to the point of being physically dependent on it like I was with opiates.

Whenever I was using opiates I wouldn't drink or have any desire to drink. There have been a couple times in the last couple years where I have once in a rare while had 2-3 drinks but never had any desire to have any more than that it was usually a one time thing and then I would be done for months.

After my last opiate relapse I considered myself to be doing pretty well. I relapsed at the end of last year, for the first time in like a years and half or something. Still had urges and desires to use obviously, but the program helps me deal with them. Fast forward to the beginning of this year and the coronavirus situation starting to blow up. It brought up a lot of anxiety and disruption. Part of my recovery has been a morning routine that I have been doing for the last couple years that has helped me stay on track. I would get up real early (3-4AM) and go to the gym. I have workout equipment at home and all but it wasn't just about going to the gym, it was also the drive there, the drive back, seeing people I know, etc. It was my routine, and it gave me a reason to stay clean. It brought a sense of normalcy to my life, consistency, and it was my motivation. It was the first thing I do when waking up. Once I had to make the decision to not go anymore due to safety (and still not able to go due to safety) I started working out at home. I'm grateful to have the ability to still workout at home, I have all the equipment I need but it is not the same and the change in routine has really disrupted me.

Around March - April is when my urges to use started getting really strong and I was tempted to use opiates again. Wasn't even thinking about alcohol, why would I? It had NOT really been a part of my life in a couple years since I was back on opiates. It was a 24/7 struggle with urges to use opiates and of course the disruption in my routine was making things difficult. I ended up slipping sometime I think in May where I took part of a pill but immediately got back with the program and didn't continue taking them. Just a little slip.

Then not too long after the urges to use were still strong, and I got into an argument with a family member and ended up having a couple drinks. That one decision sparked the next 2.5 - 3 months of regular drinking every week. Granted, I've been able to show some restraint, not drink everyday, have multiple days in a row where I don't drink, not drink to the point of getting super drunk or anything, but for me 1 drink is too many. Alcohol is just a substitute and is not something I want in my life.

I guess the real issue here is I am struggling with SEVERE shame and guilt that I've been drinking. I feel more bad about relapsing on alcohol then I would if I had relapsed on pills. Part of the problem is I would NEVER HAVE EXPECTED alcohol to sneak back into my life like that. It isn't something I desired or craved for years even though it was around. Even though there were times here and there where I would slip and have a couple drinks I never had any desire whatsoever to keep drinking. I didn't even get real buzzed those times where I would have a couple drinks. So how the heck did it sneak up on me like this?

I know the root cause of this is the Pandemic. The chaos it has created in people's lives makes for the perfect storm for people with addiction. But I am still just really confused at how alcohol seemed to just come out of nowhere when it hadn't been in my life for a long time. This whole relapse started with me wanting to use opiates and I even did slip, but my program helped me avoid continuing the relapse and deal with it. And then somehow drinking came back into my life. I'm just really confused and feel so ashamed that I would ever drink regularly again. I don't consider myself an alcoholic, like I said alcohol was something that acted as a substitute during those times when I wasn't using opiates. And then I would stop immediately if I started using opiates again.

What makes things even more difficult is this situation we are in. The situation with the Pandemic is not good, it isn't getting under control and therefore there is so much uncertainty and fear for the future. That isn't to even mention all the other horrible things that are going on in the country right now. I was talking to a family member and it almost feels surreal, like is this stuff really happening and this is really the world we are living in? I know people who before the pandemic didn't really deal with anxiety or depression and now they are struggling real bad.


A couple positive things I've tried to point out to myself about this major relapse is:

- I haven't done anything so bad that it's going to be hard to fix or recover from.
- I've continued to workout and try and care for my health while drinking.
- I had the willpower to not let the drinking get totally out of control and have shown some restraint and control with it. Been able to take days off acohol.
- The summer months, considering the current pandemic situation has been decent for my business, so that's something to be happy about even though things are so much different and it's a struggle because of the pandemic and trying to stay safe while working.

LumenandNyx

"Pandemic Through My routine into Chaos - Relapsed"

Just so long as you aren't blaming the pandemic. The pandemic isn't a reason or an excuse for you to drink or use. You are your own worst enemy - finding reasons near and far that you can use an excuse to use or drink.

Stop doing that.

Based off your post - it looks to me like you have zero control over the addict voice in your head. You've given it center stage when in fact - it needs to be kicked out of the concert hall of your mind.

Only you can kick it out and the way to do that is to stop listening to it. You are reasoning with it, having discussions with it, doing what it tells you - it looks to have complete control.

You are it's slave by choice. Sever the relationship ...

treeguy24

Don’t you call me a slave to it. You don’t know me. You don’t know my situation.

Did you not read my post? Did you not see that that I’ve been on a clean track for the last 2 years?????
I’m not here trying to get clean for the first time.

I never said the Pandemic is an excuse to use. I’m not justifying it. But do you not think certain life situations can bring out the urges to use or make it worse?

I’m all set thanks. I don’t need an Internet forum to criticize me when I already know I ****** up and take responsibility for my actions. Clearly you didn’t get what I was asking.

LumenandNyx

"I guess the real issue here is I am struggling with SEVERE shame and guilt that I've been drinking."

That got my attention.

"I know the root cause of this is the Pandemic."

So did that.

"I'm just really confused and feel so ashamed that I would ever drink regularly again. I don't consider myself an alcoholic, like I said alcohol was something that acted as a substitute during those times when I wasn't using opiates."

Maybe you should look at your alcohol use a bit more closely.

"I know people who before the pandemic didn't really deal with anxiety or depression and now they are struggling real bad."

And that.

So - yes. I read the whole thing. I suggest you come back to read it yourself once your thinking is more clear. I stand by my original post. My opinion of you and your situation is neither here nor there - except you did post in a public forum. So...

"I have had a couple relapses, my last major relapse being the end of last year."
"I ended up slipping sometime I think in May where I took part of a pill but immediately got back with the program and didn't continue taking them. Just a little slip."

Okay.

stickyone

Treeguy

Welcome,

We are very similar I myself am recovering from opiate addiction. As far as drinking I haven't had a drink since September 2012. But yes the thought of drinking has crossed my mind since I haven't drank in so long. But remember we are addicts doesn't matter the the drug. For me during my worst was before 2012. Drinking in my mid 20s was the opening for everything on the buffet. Start the night with drinking, then some coke then some weed. The opiates were when I wanted to functional WTH functional for me was taking a 30 oxycodone with a beer for work. But back on the subject yes the covid19 lockdown has gotten everyone on edge. I myself love to workout . I've been through addiction, depression, anxiety, etc but have lifted weights through it all. It was my balance in life. When the gym closed I couldn't workout then also lost good people to be around that drug out. Sounds like you're doing okay just having a bad moment it will pass, just stay strong and keep growing you will find balance.

And yes I work out now at home for safety even though the gym is open. My balance has been working on my self-esteem and confidence along with meditation. The outside appearance looked good but I was lost in the inside.

Dee74

Hi treeguy

I think it’s really easy for folks like us to develop a cross addiction or an attachment to something that never gave us trouble before.

I’m a routine guy too but the virus has changed all that used to be stuff for now. I had to change my recovery programme to work with a lack of routine. If I can do it you can too, man

I understand beating yourself up but that’s pretty much wasted energy. Put that energy into beating this as you did opiates You can do this

D.

treeguy24

You don’t need to be an ******* about it.

treeguy24

Don’t post in my thread if you’re gonna take that tactic. I took complete responsibility for my actions and was well aware of what I was doing. I don’t need to be criticized for it or told I don’t have any control when, regardless of a couple relapses, I have made a lot of progress in the last two years

treeguy24

lifting weights is something I’ve always done even while actively using. Not just for the physical benefits but also the psychological. It’s such a great way to start the day and feel good and in a more positive mindset to tackle the rest of the day!

Dee74

Actually, noone needs to be an ******* about it.
Use the ignore function, guys.

D

stickyone

Yes me too, I've always remained committed to exercise no matter what was going on. Honestly I'm focusing more on my self care as far as mentally and learning more of myself that's always been my downfall craving to temptations. A little about my addiction, I'm prescribed opiates by my doctor for years. the years of sports and weight training has resulted in arthritis in pretty much my entire body. It was the hardest thing to do was telling my doctor I was abusing my medicine. I still workout and ice baths have been my substitute. My arthritis pain will never go away and I'm okay with that. The real pain that was unbearable was the look in my kids eyes when I used to go through withdrawal and didn't want to get out of bed.

treeguy24

Still a daily struggle with urges to use. The first couple hours this morning were spent contemplating taking pills. But I didn’t! I worked out instead. But I ended up using alcohol instead this afternoon. I just feel like I’ve ****** everything up. I had been on a pretty good track for two years then wtf happened? I really want to turn things around. I feel so bad. Why is this happening when for two years I was staying mostly clean and doing real well???

Dee74

Many people here have had to battle with more than one addiction treeguy.
It happens - especially in times like now when everything is so uncertain.

The bottom line is if alcohols making you feel miserable, stop drinking.
Post here instead. Think about things like AA or SMART even - most meetings are online right now so you don't even have to leave home man.

D

stickyone

That's something you will have to find out by sort care. What triggered you as far as the pandemic maybe a list on paper of the emotions that led up to the week. You didn't lose your 2 years of growth. The process is always the hard part i believe. Try switching it up with the workouts, maybe music change too. For me I like to listen to YouTube motivational videos then after training drink a protein shake and get a 10 minute meditation in to cool down. Keep your chin up you'll be back stronger.

picabo

I can only speak for myself . Perhaps you may relate, if not, just disregard. Let me first say I never drank. Didn't like the affects. It just wasn't the high I looked for. I started with smoking. When I quit cigarettes after 38 years of smoking , it was like my moderation switch broke. Completely. Food became a problem. I no longer could moderate food. MORE. MORE. MORE...became a repetitive mantra in my head IF I ate. I was dreaming of alcohol AS IF it was what I had quit, when I didn't even drink. I obsessed over wine. I never had even tasted wine. Opiates were a problem. A prescription of opiates in my room 'talked to me' the whole time it was here. I gave it to someone to hold for me. I still obsessed and found reasons to have them come drop a 'few' more off. My obsessive thoughts of alcohol, not cigarettes, gave me the 'bright' idea IF I finally got that wine I am dreaming of, the thoughts would shut up. I knew nothing of wine so I inquired. I don't like sweet stuff. I bought it thought I was good to go. And go I did. Now, off n running as my mind said MORE MORE MORE til I was blacked out drunk. Made no sense to me. What the hell was going on. I'm not a drinker. So I tried, again and again, and again...SAME RESULT. I don't even like being buzzed from alcohol, at all. If I'm honest, I liked a body high. I don't want to lose my balance, train of thought, etc...I still felt like I had it under control because I ONLY drank once in awhile. Not even every week. But each binge was just that a binge. I turned into a binge drinker which gave me a false sense of control because I didn't drink daily. Blackouts got worse. The binges got more often. Life sucked constantly chasing something. All started with smoking . When I quit, I knew in my heart I was done for good. My brain knew it too. SO it skipped to the NEXT dopamine buzz, food, alcohol, pills....I have literally found in the past 3 weeks, that when I take a pain pill as prescribed...it sets off my AV....now it wants a nice fat burger...and today and recently it wants vodka...notice I said I started exploring alcohol with wine? Today wit would be vodka. Progresses...this mess progresses even when I am clean. I'm a science minded person so I look at what I experienced in a rational, more scientific way. Helps me understand. My AV comprehends nothing and all it knows and wants is a mind altering substance. I understand the shame and guilt. I also understand the laws of addiction and the science, You took that half a pill and stopped cause you knew, That was your drug of choice...so you stopped it quick. But you fed the beast and he wants more...more of anything if not what he can have. Use this experience to better understand how cunning your beast is. Don't beat yourself up . You're here right? That couldn't have been easy, to come and then type it all out. Keep coming back.