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What to do about a relapse-prone friendship?

Old 05-16-2020, 07:39 PM
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1k3
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What to do about a relapse-prone friendship?

TL;DR at the bottom.
I sincerely apologize in advance for the length of this, itís just nice to be able to share everything. Iíve been in the rooms for a little over a year, but Iím still in very early recovery from what was mainly a methamphetamine addiction. At the time these events began I had about 5 months sober. The friend in question, K (real initial/name will not be used) had about 100 days, and her DOC was also meth. We met briefly a year ago, reconnected several months ago, and have become very close. I consider her to be like a second mother and best friend to me. Our county has only one NA meeting that meets once a week, so to supplement we go to the only AA meeting available on the other nights. The AA group, which we consider our home group, has been more than happy to support us regardless of our DOC. We both have sponsors and are working the steps, and together we go to a meeting every night.
Iíd normally bring an issue like this to my home group, but itís such a small town and an even smaller recovery community that even if I left names out everyone would know who I was talking about- her and I are practically a package deal at this point.
Tuesday the 5th I woke up to several missed calls from K, so I immediately contacted her to make sure she was alright. She told me she had relapsed the night before. I tried to talk her into getting rid of the remainder of what sheíd bought and coming to a meeting, but she said she needed to finish what she had. K has a history of ending up in unsafe situations/injuring herself while high, so I offered to stay with her for the night and essentially trip-sit. Iíve rethought this offer probably a thousand times since then, and while I know that it was an utterly stupid decision I can say with complete honesty that when I made the offer I had no intention of using with her. But Iím nowhere near ďrecovered enoughĒ to safely do something like that, and I donít believe I ever will be.
Once I got to her place and she started using I didnít last ten minutes. Any conviction I had about sobriety went out the window, and we ended up on a binge until Saturday the 9th. That Saturday afternoon we had a conversation about what we wanted from our lives and agreed that this wasnít it. We drove two hours to get to an NA meeting, and the next day returned to our regularly scheduled meetings (we spoke about the relapse and received what I felt was a lot of helpful advice.)
Since then, for the past week or so, Iíve struggled with the idea of our friendship. While I blame only myself for my relapse and acknowledge that I made several poor decisions leading up to it, I havenít felt sure that Iím putting myself in a healthy position by having a friend who calls me as soon as she has meth.
I put those thoughts aside because weíve been going to nightly meetings, and are (I thought) very honest with each other about our cravings, urges, etc.
Last night I went out of town; I made sure that she was set up with internet to access an online meeting and that I was as well. This afternoon I texted her to check in and she told me that she relapsed again last night, and Iím not 100% sure that she wasnít still high when we talked.
Iím her ride to meetings, partly due to the lack of public transportation in our area and partly due to the fact that sheís nearly always the only female at our meeting, and doesnít feel comfortable getting a ride with one of the other men. Weíre also incredibly close; I have an enormous amount of love for her, and sheís helped me through a very hard few months.
But I also donít know how to stay sober with her around. The thought of going to pick her up for a meeting and there potentially being meth at her place scares me, because I know myself and ďjust saying noĒ isnít in my repertoire. And whether or not sheís still relapsing, she maintains regular contact with people sheís used with, and it seems like itís almost contagious; as if it will inevitably lead to another relapse for her and, eventually, me.
Iím worried about cutting her off from rides to meetings or potentially alienating her from our (very small) recovery community. Iím scared to lose my friendship with her, but Iím terrified of relapsing. I donít think I have another one in me.

TL; DR my NA friend is using again and Iím scared to leave her and even more scared to relapse.
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Old 05-16-2020, 08:14 PM
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nez
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Iím worried about cutting her off from rides to meetings or potentially alienating her from our (very small) recovery community.
She is the one responsible through her actions of any alienating and cutting that occurs, not you.

Be completely honest with her, set your boundaries, and stand by them. It might bring home the reality of her actions. We usually don't quit until we have lost all that we can bear to lose and hit our bottoms by doing so. Don't slow her descent to her bottom by enabling her and putting yourself at risk in the process. That would help no one, except the dealer.

The best way to help her is by staying strong and showing her by example. I know it will not be easy and I know it will be hard, but you can do it. The freedom of recovery is worth fighting for. You are worth it. Only she can decide if she is worth it, although she is, she just needs to come that conclusion.

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Old 05-16-2020, 09:12 PM
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Welcome 1k3

I've see a lot of people in early recovery try to save someone else - and they both end up going down together.
When your friend wants recovery leave her to ask for help from those with more experience and time behind them.

safeguard your own recovery,

D
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Old 05-18-2020, 12:23 AM
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Per your description of the relationship, I take it there is no "romance" involved. A 2nd mother and close friend whom you've known for a year. It also looks like you've answered your own question at least in part. She isnt stable and being around her is dangerous to your health. I'd suggest talking to her and being honest. If she cares about you, then she wont want to be a bad influence and expose you to drugs, reminders of using,, etc. Maybe you can still be her friend and support recovery, spend time together when she's doing well. People relapse and also have different life experiences they are sometimes numbing. People need different degrees of treztment and support. Does she talk about this type of thing? Possibly she needs to add in some other components to her recovery plan different than what your doing and needs to know this is ok. But as for you, I'd say look after yourself. What's the point in your both going down?
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Old 05-18-2020, 07:50 AM
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There are Zoom meetings everywhere 247 890 7316 is a good one if youre interested My name is Thomas B NY if your interested check it out
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