Boyfriend addicted to cocaine/crack...help!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 53
Boyfriend addicted to cocaine/crack...help!
Hello
I have been with my bf for 2 years. When we first met, I knew he had a problem with drugs but I didn't know the extent. I'm at a bit of a crossroads now and I'm considering leaving him.
He is 37, and has spent most of his life using drugs. He used to like the party lifestyle but now it's less glamour.
For the first year of the relationship, I saw him have paranoid delusions. He thought I was injecting him with heroin (!) constantly accused me of cheating, would come to my house at 5am, broke in as he thought I had a man in, broke several of my phone's, laptop and tv, damaged my car, even some sexual things. I called the police a few times. I'm not sure why I stayed, it seems crazy now. I have some codependency issues I think. He acts loving a lot of the time though so I found it hard, guess I wanted to see the good.
He eventually seemed to get better, began going to NA meetings and working. Things seemed to be on the up. But the drugs have started again. He's been hanging around with dodgy characters and messages people all hours of the night trying to score. Apparently it's crack cocaine he uses but also ketamine. He's not managing to go to work mostly.
We don't live together and I have distanced myself. I told him why and all he says is sorry, and it doesn't ring true. There's no desire to get help. Yet he also wants to continue the relationship and I don't see how we can. It's weird cos he acts normal when we speak and he puts on a good facade, yet I know he is using. I do love him and thought things were improving. Is my only option to leave?
Its all been taking a massive toll on my own mental health so I need to step back.
Does anyone have advice? I don't know how often he's using but it's definitely more than once a week.
I have been with my bf for 2 years. When we first met, I knew he had a problem with drugs but I didn't know the extent. I'm at a bit of a crossroads now and I'm considering leaving him.
He is 37, and has spent most of his life using drugs. He used to like the party lifestyle but now it's less glamour.
For the first year of the relationship, I saw him have paranoid delusions. He thought I was injecting him with heroin (!) constantly accused me of cheating, would come to my house at 5am, broke in as he thought I had a man in, broke several of my phone's, laptop and tv, damaged my car, even some sexual things. I called the police a few times. I'm not sure why I stayed, it seems crazy now. I have some codependency issues I think. He acts loving a lot of the time though so I found it hard, guess I wanted to see the good.
He eventually seemed to get better, began going to NA meetings and working. Things seemed to be on the up. But the drugs have started again. He's been hanging around with dodgy characters and messages people all hours of the night trying to score. Apparently it's crack cocaine he uses but also ketamine. He's not managing to go to work mostly.
We don't live together and I have distanced myself. I told him why and all he says is sorry, and it doesn't ring true. There's no desire to get help. Yet he also wants to continue the relationship and I don't see how we can. It's weird cos he acts normal when we speak and he puts on a good facade, yet I know he is using. I do love him and thought things were improving. Is my only option to leave?
Its all been taking a massive toll on my own mental health so I need to step back.
Does anyone have advice? I don't know how often he's using but it's definitely more than once a week.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome. so sorry for what brings you here.
let me ask you this - if your daughter or sister came to you and said:
For the first year of the relationship, I saw him have paranoid delusions. He thought I was injecting him with heroin (!) constantly accused me of cheating, would come to my house at 5am, broke in as he thought I had a man in, broke several of my phone's, laptop and tv, damaged my car, even some sexual things. I called the police a few times.
what would YOU tell HER? abuse and violence are NEVER acceptable. not once, not ever, not for any excuse.
i'll be straight - this guy is bad news. you have never seen what he is like without drugs coursing thru his system. you have never known him NOT under the influence. crack is bad news. been there, done that, and it's nothing you want any part of. he will be more violent, more erratic, less able to keep it together, and you are putting yourself directly in harm's way.
get away, but be careful.
let me ask you this - if your daughter or sister came to you and said:
For the first year of the relationship, I saw him have paranoid delusions. He thought I was injecting him with heroin (!) constantly accused me of cheating, would come to my house at 5am, broke in as he thought I had a man in, broke several of my phone's, laptop and tv, damaged my car, even some sexual things. I called the police a few times.
what would YOU tell HER? abuse and violence are NEVER acceptable. not once, not ever, not for any excuse.
i'll be straight - this guy is bad news. you have never seen what he is like without drugs coursing thru his system. you have never known him NOT under the influence. crack is bad news. been there, done that, and it's nothing you want any part of. he will be more violent, more erratic, less able to keep it together, and you are putting yourself directly in harm's way.
get away, but be careful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 53
Thanks for replying. I know. Anyone who asked me advice on this I would tell them to run for the hills.
I think I have normalized the abuse, cos I guess that's what it was.
He hasn't been that way in a while, but obviously with the crack happening again I'm worried that it will happen again. I was willing to let him maybe quit and hopefully things would be ok. I guess that sounds crazy really.
I'm just finding it hard cos he sometimes acts really caring and he can really talk the talk sometimes. I do see through it but then I weaken, not sure why.
Is crack harder than powder cocaine to quit? I'm not gonna stick around though, I suppose I just need validation. My heads been a mess lately, like I'm constantly thinking about it and what to do.
I think I have normalized the abuse, cos I guess that's what it was.
He hasn't been that way in a while, but obviously with the crack happening again I'm worried that it will happen again. I was willing to let him maybe quit and hopefully things would be ok. I guess that sounds crazy really.
I'm just finding it hard cos he sometimes acts really caring and he can really talk the talk sometimes. I do see through it but then I weaken, not sure why.
Is crack harder than powder cocaine to quit? I'm not gonna stick around though, I suppose I just need validation. My heads been a mess lately, like I'm constantly thinking about it and what to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi and welcome, although sorry for what brings you here.
The 3 c's - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. If you leave this board right now and never post again, please remember this (I do hope you keep posting btw!).
You can't help him and yes, the drugs will destroy your relationship, eventually. He needs to decide to get help, when and if he is ready.
Normalizing abuse is not unusual.
You might find many of the threads in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section of the forums that you can relate to (addiction is addiction and of course you can post over there too if you would like to):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Lots of information here at SR and lots of support and wisdom.
The 3 c's - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. If you leave this board right now and never post again, please remember this (I do hope you keep posting btw!).
You can't help him and yes, the drugs will destroy your relationship, eventually. He needs to decide to get help, when and if he is ready.
Normalizing abuse is not unusual.
You might find many of the threads in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section of the forums that you can relate to (addiction is addiction and of course you can post over there too if you would like to):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Lots of information here at SR and lots of support and wisdom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 53
Thanks. I have been trying to control his behaviour and its been sending me crazy. I realise I can't. I feel like I'm in the process of detaching as I'm realising. But it's hard. I just can't quite comprehend why he doesn't want to sort his life out.
I'm 36 and I want a stable relationship. I just feel totally unloved. He seemed enthusiastic when he was going to NA but it's all fallen away. I can't
compete and he's not even pretending. Just expects me to go back while this is still happening.
I'm 36 and I want a stable relationship. I just feel totally unloved. He seemed enthusiastic when he was going to NA but it's all fallen away. I can't
compete and he's not even pretending. Just expects me to go back while this is still happening.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Icemelon 
But it's hard. I just can't quite comprehend why he doesn't want to sort his life out.
I know it seems counter-intuitive to not seek help for an addiction, but once you understand addiction it won't seem so far out there. I mean understanding for you btw, not for him.
His priorities are drugs and then himself and you might come in 3rd.
He expects you to accept his drugging. You really only have 3 options?
- Stay and continue to push him to get help (and drive yourself crazy in the process).
- Stay and accept his drugging. That means no reprimands, no arguments, you accept it like you accept he will drink water.
- Leave and move on in your life.
You have very little if any input in to it. Once you read around the forum you will realize this more and more. He is a grown man and should be able to decide what to do with his life, if that includes meth, well it does.
I hope you will read more about addiction. Not how to fix someone or stand by their side, but the affects of drugs on the brain/personality. You aren't talking and reasoning with him, you are talking and attempting to reason with an addiction.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
When we first met, I knew he had a problem with drugs
he has been an addict long before you came along, and will continue to be long after you are gone. to him, his life IS sorted, thank you very much.
he is not your problem to fix.
his addiction is not your problem to fix.
you will not win this battle.
Is crack harder than powder cocaine to quit?
does it matter? he hasn't QUIT anything, he's just changed things up a bit. and trust me, i'll say it again, you do NOT want to be around a crackhead!!! nor do you EVER want to get tempted to see how the other half lives and try it.
it's really really best you shut this door firmly.
he has been an addict long before you came along, and will continue to be long after you are gone. to him, his life IS sorted, thank you very much.
he is not your problem to fix.
his addiction is not your problem to fix.
you will not win this battle.
Is crack harder than powder cocaine to quit?
does it matter? he hasn't QUIT anything, he's just changed things up a bit. and trust me, i'll say it again, you do NOT want to be around a crackhead!!! nor do you EVER want to get tempted to see how the other half lives and try it.
it's really really best you shut this door firmly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 53
Thanks
you're right. I don't want to be with a drug addict and I've got to accept there's nothing at all I can do for him. I do see that he is happy with his choices.
I did think he had it in him to break away from this lifestyle but I guess not, or he doesn't have the desire.
it hurts to know I'm not important to him but I've got to accept that. He's been that way for 20 years so he must be happy that way.
I'm going to keep pushing forward by myself, suppose it's all I can do. It's just hard to stop my feelings getting in the way. But I will.
you're right. I don't want to be with a drug addict and I've got to accept there's nothing at all I can do for him. I do see that he is happy with his choices.
I did think he had it in him to break away from this lifestyle but I guess not, or he doesn't have the desire.
it hurts to know I'm not important to him but I've got to accept that. He's been that way for 20 years so he must be happy that way.
I'm going to keep pushing forward by myself, suppose it's all I can do. It's just hard to stop my feelings getting in the way. But I will.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I think it is a good choice to get out of that situation. It is hard. You have been together for 2 years. But instead of trying to take care of him, take care of yourself. Look at the comments here. There isn't a single comment that says you should stay. All of us have had addiction problems and we speak from experience. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
This may be tough to take in but:
You can’t control his behavior.
You can’t make him stop or force him to seek help.
The only thing you can do is take care of your physical and psychological well-being. You have to determine what the best course of action is for your safety and health.
You can’t control his behavior.
You can’t make him stop or force him to seek help.
The only thing you can do is take care of your physical and psychological well-being. You have to determine what the best course of action is for your safety and health.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
He's been an addict for over 20 years - then that's exactly who & what he is. Its what his life is. That is the bottom line.
Its all been taking a massive toll on my own mental health so I need to step back. Yes step way back the sooner the better. Save yourself while you still can. Run & don't look back. Run as if your life depends on it because it does.
Sorry for your situation & what brings you here..
Its all been taking a massive toll on my own mental health so I need to step back. Yes step way back the sooner the better. Save yourself while you still can. Run & don't look back. Run as if your life depends on it because it does.
Sorry for your situation & what brings you here..
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