Dreamwithin

I have everything planned. My resolve is superstrong....im SO motivated. All day until about 4pm, then without warning I'm like a coin that flips in a split - second. HEADS all day then without warning or pre-thought I flip to tails and become Mr Drugs.

Not Mr I want drugs or Mr I'm scared I will take drugs. MR DRUGS... NO Fight, just action. Up and off out to get whatever it is I can get my hands on. Opiate medication, cocaine.

I've tried various methods. Having no access to anything, no money, admitting my powerlessness - handing my life and my will over to a power greater than myself.

I've been trying to stop for 3 or 4 years I think. I don't want to do anything 95% of the time. I try to stop 2 - 3 - 4 times a week. 2 days is the average maximum 'clean time' I get.

I'm stuck in limbo hell unable to make any progress with anything because I feel so ill from taking pills or powders.

I posted on here about 10 days ago, full of optimism. I've been on something 5 or 6 times (or more) since that post.
I'm stuck in this rutt and I don't know how to get any further.

I have no control. All I want is to be a quiet honest non deceitful family man.

Everything I did to stop the alcohol has not helped with this. I don't know what to do.

Lucinda2

Sorry, you are having a tough time Dreamwithin.

It is the early hours of the morning and I don't have any wise words. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and have been where you are.

Keep posting, I will look back in on you when I am less tired.

Lucinda2

Good morning, Dreamwithin.

Just checking in to see how you are doing today?

I just took a look at your introduction post and see your story is very similar to mine but almost with a flip reverse.

For years, I was addicted to heroin and then later crack & heroin (24 years active addiction, over 15 yrs clean from that now). I tried NA at various times but in the end, I cleaned up on my own with the help of a supportive GP. I had never been much of a drinker so alcohol didn't really feature in my recovery (not 12 step) for a long time. I went many years where a small drink at New Year and half a lager on holiday were it. Then that changed around 4 years ago. And I have been struggling with alcohol ever since.

I am now 3 weeks sober and to be honest haven't been motivated to do as much as I could do to make things different. But 3 weeks without alcohol is ace and I am pleased. I know to maintain this I am going to need to make some changes and am building up to that.

I am not great at sharing my feelings/struggles but I have looked in on this forum every day, sometimes 3-5 times a day. I think that sticking close has made a difference. I read a lot of the posts and try to give a bit where I can which somehow helps me.

It is hard pushing through feeling physically rubbish but you can do this. You really want to which is a great start. From my own experience, I would say stick closer to this forum than you are right now. I know that you don't want to go back to the fellowship (although you might find NA a different vibe to AA) but sounds like you need to be close to something perhaps?

PhoenixJ

I need daily support to top up my resolve. SR, meetings, GP, counsellor, friends, journal...

support to you

Dreamwithin

Thanks for the replies...

I know that after all the other attempts with stopping alcohol over the years, it was this forum and the kind people on it that set me on my way and finally helped get me off the booze.

I just remembered something today which I did not know I had forgotten about... Mad this as its one of those goodies that even though its simple it really works and it was one of main tools in my early years. That I won't drink (or drug) just for that day. I would plan my day. Go through it in my mind right through to bedtime, visualising it.

And it had gone from my mind.

It's back.

Thanks all.

Lucinda2

Ah, the basics. How easily we can forget them sometimes. Glad you feel you have a plan back in place.