i got lazy and relapsed...as expected
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 52
i got lazy and relapsed...as expected
Hi all, I last posted in August last year. Things were going better and I built up quite a bit of clean time, but the time is in comparison to my time using cocaine. NA didn't work for me, or I didn't feel it, so started AVRT which seemed to work better. After things started improving at home with my wife, and I was trying and being a better husband and dad, life took over and so the posts and recovery stopped. My addictive/suspicious behaviour unintentionally carried on, and as a result I continued to give my wife who suffers from anxiety, reason to worry, be hurt, and feel angry at me. It has been a repetitive pattern of getting to a good place together, me doing something without thinking it through or how my actions would make her feel, and then making her feel the hurt of all the lies, debt and using I did. I always used drugs to hide thoughts and block emotions, and not deal with situations. My wife has helped me so much to recover, by supporting me and sticking with me despite all I have done. we put various things in place to help me avoid the temptation in picking up ie; not handling cash, giving my wife access to my bank account, having my tracker turned on, on my iphone. Without this I would of definitely carried on using. A few weeks ago I let the addict use all of the insults, shaming, and anger towards me, as a reason to pick up some coke. I used a credit card i have for an emergency if needed, keeping it quiet and lying about it. I am 100% to blame for my addiction /actions, and letting the addictive voice, be louder heard, than my rational thinking. It easnt just a relapse, it was a week of using daily and £500 of debt on the card. I have caused more hurt and upset for a week of madness, and it has proven to me my thoughts were wrong i am fully recovered. Dealing with not using in the good times is easy, but not were things get tough or hard, and i have to deal with emotions!
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Relapses don't just happen, they're a process.
You might want to look at the events leading up to it and how you were feeling internally, to avoid the triggers in the future. Because there are always triggers, and the beginning of relapse often involves allowing ourselves to experience them.
The more you know and understand your AV the weaker it becomes. Giving it shadowy shapelessness just gives it power that it doesn't inherently have.
You might want to look at the events leading up to it and how you were feeling internally, to avoid the triggers in the future. Because there are always triggers, and the beginning of relapse often involves allowing ourselves to experience them.
The more you know and understand your AV the weaker it becomes. Giving it shadowy shapelessness just gives it power that it doesn't inherently have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 52
Hi, very wise words thankyou for your reply. I often try to identify feelings which I still struggle with, and also, when trying to look at the cause or trigger, I worry that I am just making excuses etc. Self pity, blocking emotions are my main cause for me to allow the addictive voice be heard I believe. I will start talking/posting when this happens again. I am ready to recover now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 175
One day at a time
Brother,
You are inspiring and strong for coming back to SR for help. My DOC was Coke as well so I resonate with your process. A few things... first of all, thank God you stopped at Coke and haven't gone further. Crack is about a 10x harder recovery. Meth and Heroine about 100x harder.
However, not to be taken lightly, Coke is an unbelievable powerful substance and incredibly addicting. Your brain needs time to heal and this is a lifelong process.
You've got to accept the fact that this is a lifelong process or it will happen again and again. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it requires work. Such is life. Life is difficult and if you take the easy road again and again, life will walk all over you. The hard road here, in the name of your life, your wife and all those around you, is to acknowledge your lifelong process and embark upon it.
I'm not sure what AVRT is, but find something that works for you and do it. AA and NA are incredibly effective even if you don't resonate. Try another 10 meetings and see if it resonates more. Find a sponsor and work the steps and see if it works for you. The addiction isn't taken care of because you stop your DOC. You will keep compensating in other ways. You are just putting a bandage instead of healing the wound.
500 pounds isn't ****. It certainly ins't convenient and isn't helping anything, but it is a lot better than being isolated and alone, dead in a ditch, or in a mental institution. In time you will pay it off, don't focus on that for now. For now focus on one day at a time getting through recovery.
A. Life. Long. Process. Say it with me. A. Life. Long. Process.
One day at a time. Don't focus on the time you lost or the resentment or being hard on yourself. Focus on the joy of clarity and of the healing of relationships and of your body and mind.
I feel you so strongly brother as I've been in this process. I've been 80k in the hole as a result of my use. I finally had to take my addiciton seriously and stop comparing myself to others. Constantly as addicts we think, "Oh I'm not as bad as that guy, " or, "I'm not like these people, they have serious problems."
You'll relapse again and again until you take it more seriously long-term. You need to be more than just clean bro, you need to recover.
I recommend a book on self-love by Tara Brach, "Radical Acceptance."
Start some spiritual practices. There is a meditation application called Insight Timer. They have guided meditations and meditation courses. If you've got 5 minutes somewhere, you can start meditation. Try 5 minutes a day for awhile and eventually you'll naturally want more.
Contact me if you'd like to chat more bro.
Blessings,
Art
You are inspiring and strong for coming back to SR for help. My DOC was Coke as well so I resonate with your process. A few things... first of all, thank God you stopped at Coke and haven't gone further. Crack is about a 10x harder recovery. Meth and Heroine about 100x harder.
However, not to be taken lightly, Coke is an unbelievable powerful substance and incredibly addicting. Your brain needs time to heal and this is a lifelong process.
You've got to accept the fact that this is a lifelong process or it will happen again and again. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it requires work. Such is life. Life is difficult and if you take the easy road again and again, life will walk all over you. The hard road here, in the name of your life, your wife and all those around you, is to acknowledge your lifelong process and embark upon it.
I'm not sure what AVRT is, but find something that works for you and do it. AA and NA are incredibly effective even if you don't resonate. Try another 10 meetings and see if it resonates more. Find a sponsor and work the steps and see if it works for you. The addiction isn't taken care of because you stop your DOC. You will keep compensating in other ways. You are just putting a bandage instead of healing the wound.
500 pounds isn't ****. It certainly ins't convenient and isn't helping anything, but it is a lot better than being isolated and alone, dead in a ditch, or in a mental institution. In time you will pay it off, don't focus on that for now. For now focus on one day at a time getting through recovery.
A. Life. Long. Process. Say it with me. A. Life. Long. Process.
One day at a time. Don't focus on the time you lost or the resentment or being hard on yourself. Focus on the joy of clarity and of the healing of relationships and of your body and mind.
I feel you so strongly brother as I've been in this process. I've been 80k in the hole as a result of my use. I finally had to take my addiciton seriously and stop comparing myself to others. Constantly as addicts we think, "Oh I'm not as bad as that guy, " or, "I'm not like these people, they have serious problems."
You'll relapse again and again until you take it more seriously long-term. You need to be more than just clean bro, you need to recover.
I recommend a book on self-love by Tara Brach, "Radical Acceptance."
Start some spiritual practices. There is a meditation application called Insight Timer. They have guided meditations and meditation courses. If you've got 5 minutes somewhere, you can start meditation. Try 5 minutes a day for awhile and eventually you'll naturally want more.
Contact me if you'd like to chat more bro.
Blessings,
Art
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 175
In addition. If you are serious about learning to feel and not block emotions, Meditation is your key. You'll learn to not push them away or chase better emotions, but simply to feel and observe them as they are. In time it gets much easier, healthier and your wife will be THRILLED!
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