There was a man I was very much in love with for the past 3 years. We met, I fell in love. I wasn’t aware he was an addict of any sort. He was using cocaine off and on at the time, eventually it progressed into Meth. I knew something was off, but he was very good at hiding it. Once I found out, I left. Obviously, things between us didn’t end well. But, after rehab, moving to sober living, writing me letters of amends and remorse, I gave him a chance to stay in my life - mainly as friends. But, he’s relapsed twice - and each time he did, he turns into such a terror - even right before he’s about to use and after he’s gotten off the junk. But, I look back on his time in recovery and there still were little lies. Lies that even appear to be a bit of a dissociation. He always separated himself between the sober and the using. I knew this wasn’t healthy or responsible. This last time he relapsed, he went back hard into watching porn. I found he was looking at some disturbing subjects. Young teen porn, for example. He was extremely abusive towards me when I had suspicions. It was a nightmare. This whole thing has been a nightmare. It’s almost like he’s different every time he quits using, like it’s sucking his soul out, bit by bit. I held on to such hope, after a year of sobriety (as far as I know), that he’d recover. He did admit to relapsing again - and asked me to stay away from him, as he’s not in control, his addiction is. It’s been a major emotional rollercoaster - off and on of emotional abuse. Sometimes I feel so messed up from all the chaos. I’m currently in counseling, as I’m feeling so angry, confused, saddened, fearful. I wonder if I ever really knew him. For example, If he really is into underage girls, if he really is this monster and if drugs just take away the inhibitions. If it’s mental illness, etc. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for here, just hoping to find a little bit of peace from others who have been here before.

Thank you you for taking the time to read.

thank you very much for taking the time to respond..