PohsFriend

Question.

Wife and I are recovered alcoholics. I'm 3.5 years sober and actively working AA, sponsoring etcetera so I get it more than maybe some norms but I don't understand Cocaine and that's what my wife went to treatment for a few weeks ago.

Next week is family week - a pretty comprehensive 4 day program.

At first I was being kind of a dick - I will come if you commit to XYZ blah blah blah. I'm past that now but I am a bit nervous.

For those who've been on the other side and your spouse was coming in a month after the big shock when they learned of your problem and emotions were strong... what was helpful? what did they do or not do to make it easier for you to tell them the truth and stop the lies and BS?

I'm going there for her benefit first and want to make sure I don't take up all the time demanding answers and amends for whatever has happened. I'm sure that stuff will work itself out. I want to do a better job of listening and let her know that while I'm not OK with what happened and not OK with it happening in this house again, I do love her and want to support her and I'm not mad at her for having this ****** disease.

Would like to hear from people who've been there on one side or the other of this. I asked on the friends and family side and forgot that some folks there are not very empathetic towards addicts but I am ready to work hard with my wife to move on from this healthier and happier because we learned from it and made changes.

We've already figured out that getting away from AA and trying other things instead was a bad idea for her. For us it is AA AND xyz, not AA or xyz.

Rebuilding trust and healing will take some time. I figure I can make it easier or harder for her to open up and tell me what I don't know yet so we can start putting it in the past. What made that easier or harder for you or your partner?

AlwaysGrowing

PF
In your post I see the word 'we' a whole lot. I get it, but you might want to put the 'we' thing on hold till she is clean for a bit. It totally sucks that once again you might have to wait for the 'we', that dream..
When my 1st wife was in rehab again my pee'ed off level was pretty high and I was tired of waiting for that woman whom I married to be herself again. What I'm circling back around to is, plan to work on yourself more than ever. You know the recovery percentage by now so love her but don't expect much from her.

AG

Zevin

You will receive lots of support, advice and counseling from the rehab staff and family members of the other rehab patients before the face-to-face meeting with your wife.

Speak with love but DO NOT sugarcoat things. It will be good for BOTH of you to hear about your frustration, anger, fear etc.

This is YOUR time. She will also be getting lots of support from other patients and counselors. Take this opportunity to get stuff off of YOUR chest!

tbeit

I agree with Zevin, Be honest with your feelings. Let her know how it makes you feel. I wouldnt suggest making deals like if you do this I'll do that. Try to go in there with no expectations. It's hard because we have our own disease to deal with but this is about her recovery.

I hope it all goes well for you.

MindfulMan

I was single/never married in rehab, so personally I didn't go through this. However I witnessed some horribly atrocious things that were said by family in anger, fear, rage, lack of understanding, etc. It couldn't come at a worse time. People are physically sick during rehab, feeling weak, vulnerable and emotionally extremely fragile. One guy who was in his early 20s had a mother that would use the entire sessions to dump on how her life had been ruined, would never be the same because of what he had done to her, to the point that the staff intervened and cancelled her visits (just the dad would come). This does no good to any party. Also the person in rehab will be, if healing and really getting it, completely self-absorbed and working their recovery and aren't ready to deal with the mess they have made of the lives of others. That will come later. Keep any comments short and don't dwell or go on...it'll come later if someone is really in recovery.

Do you have any CA groups in your area? I've found that AA really doesn't want to talk about anything else but alcohol, yet CA addresses addiction as addiction. Might be a better fit as there are some issues unique to cocaine that don't get hit by the community in AA. I was recovering from both.

PohsFriend

It was a long and exhausting four days but it was really good. She’s nowhere near surrendered and when I looked through the lens of a guy in the program who sponsors I could see that. Good news is that when it was our turn on the hot seat I was able to quietly and calmly tell her I don’t think she’s anywhere near ready and had them conned. Her roommate was more blunt and told her if she leaves next week she will be dead in a month.
She agreed to stay 60 and my hope is that will become 90.

Saw some of that anger from one parent but I was sitting behind her almost so was able to encourage that resident almost the whole time and nod, smile and support. I related to both.

I’ve got plenty of work to do on me. It’s going to be many months in treatment then sober living so I have plenty of time. My toddler was upset when we dropped her off this morning after our overnight and that was gut wrenching. However, I’d rather he goes a few months without mom than forever.

The facility is amazing, the staff is tops and I’m hopeful that we can start over with help from people who can teach us how to have a healthy family.

Best part of the week... while she was on the hot seat I broke down once but never got angry and when she was trapped I locked eyes with her and told her we love her, we are not going anywhere and we need her back whole, not soon. She’s feeling pretty low right now and asked where to start making up for the lies and manipulations. I shrugged and said tell me the truth today, the other stuff is pretty meaningless compared to her being alive and I just had no anger. She knows it’s active addiction or us and she knows that she has support, love and forgiveness at home. She doesn’t need bashing from me - she’s got a community thereto kick her butt and I think my job was to remind her that she’s loved and has the support if she brings the willingness.

Pray for her, my wife is in there fighting to take her life back and this is the best shot we can give her.