mirrorball

I had a cocaine addiction for 10 years and I finally managed to get clean 8 months ago.

I got rid of all my dealers, contacts using friends so have no access to drugs now and no desire to go back to that life.

It's great to be clean, but I keep being disturbed by intrusive thoughts of how I could have killed myself by overdosing.

I am a mother to two little children and I keep thinking about how awful it would have been if I'd died.

There are two occasions in particular where I could have OD'd. Both times i was using alone, as either I was away from home or my family was away.

On one time, my heart started beating really fast and felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. The other time, I had a lot of strong coke and felt a compulsion to take all of it even though I knew it may kill me. I managed to flush some, but I still took a great deal and remember feeling very hot and having to take my top off. I know overheating is a sign of coke overdose.

Both times I was fine, big benders but no lasting ill effects, but I keep thinking of how awful and selfish I was to risk my life.

I keep thinking of how my children would have grown up without a mother, how I would have ruined my husbands and parents life.


I lost a family member to suicide last year and saw up close how he ruined the lives of everyone around him - wife, children, parents.

I know I won't go back to coke and I'm safe now, but I just keep feeling absolutely racked by guilt and shame over how it could have all turned out.

Is it normal to feel like this?

Dee74

I think it is pretty normal. I was an an alcoholic but it took me a little time to forgive myself and to get over just how badly things could have ended.

I think you should be commended for finding recovery. Whatever you did in the past you're doing the right thing now

D