Trying again, need miracle
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 7
Trying again, need miracle
I quit drugs altogether about 4 years ago after years of suffering through multiple addictions (marijuana, coke, alcohol and then crack).
But then I got into an accident in 2017 and got strung out on pain meds--was prescribed just a few of them after the accident and immediately turned to buying them off the streets.
For me It was a miracle drug: pain, anxiety, depression-- you name it, it fixed it.
However, after about 20 months of pain meds my tolerance got too high so I decided to quit. But after about 30 days or so of abstinence the ( what I believe is) "paws" kicked in --depression and anxiety 100x worse than ever, its the most crushing I've ever experienced. I mean, sometimes I wake up and just cry, its that bad. And there's no relief, ever.
And when you combine the paws with the fact that I have no support system and my life's already a raging dumpster fire as it is, its just too much. So, out of desperation (and after much reading), I decided to try kratom...and it worked. The problem though is that I don't want to become addicted and physically dependent on it either, so I quit that too. And so now I've slipped up and been back on the pain meds for 3 days.
I genuinely don't know what to do at this point, I've read that it can take months or even years before the brain returns to normal and I don't think that I can cope for that long. I probably need inpatient rehab and/or suboxone treatment but lack the resources to make that happen. So I'm stuck.
During the course of dealing with multiple addictions over the years I've done the whole recovery circuit --12 step programs, inpatient and outpatient treatment, sober living houses, one on one therapy, etc., and I learned a lot from it. I'm also an avid meditator, work out with weights, and have a huge library of self-help books, but nothing helps with this. I mean, my brain is simply not functioning correctly. What to do?
I'm 39 years old and have wasted the best years of my life on drugs and in jails and prisons, I have no wife or kids, I'm friendless at this point because they are all on crack, heroin, or in prison, what family I have left are incredibly dysfunctional, and I suffer from a unique combination of other problems that I'm not sure can be listed here -- I'm just really feeling hopeless right now.
With so many problems, and with everything seeming so hopeless, I adopted a new approach to life, decided that I'd simply approach it as an experiment, kinda like "okay, my life's crap and I have nothing to lose, so lets see how good I can make it working with what I've got", but I'm failing miserably.
Its sad to admit, but the best times of my life were several years ago while doing a 6 year prison sentence -- back then I was sober and doing daily zazen practice, I was eating healthy, and back then simple things like reading a good book, or a good meditation session, or simply sitting outside on a fall morning with a good cup of coffee was like heaven, and I'd like to recapture that but this time out here in the free-world.
I used to think that a good life required a lot of money, but at this point I'd just like to salvage whatever's left of my life -- I'd be content with just being sober and at peace, and having someone to love and love me back. You can't put a price tag on that... actually its the free stuff that makes life worth living and that most take for granted but apparently I cant have it. Okay, I'll end it there now as a little self-pity is starting to creep in.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed to vent or something.
Tomorrow I'm attempting complete abstinence again.
Please pray, chant, send positive vibes, or whatever you're into. I need it.
thanks
But then I got into an accident in 2017 and got strung out on pain meds--was prescribed just a few of them after the accident and immediately turned to buying them off the streets.
For me It was a miracle drug: pain, anxiety, depression-- you name it, it fixed it.
However, after about 20 months of pain meds my tolerance got too high so I decided to quit. But after about 30 days or so of abstinence the ( what I believe is) "paws" kicked in --depression and anxiety 100x worse than ever, its the most crushing I've ever experienced. I mean, sometimes I wake up and just cry, its that bad. And there's no relief, ever.
And when you combine the paws with the fact that I have no support system and my life's already a raging dumpster fire as it is, its just too much. So, out of desperation (and after much reading), I decided to try kratom...and it worked. The problem though is that I don't want to become addicted and physically dependent on it either, so I quit that too. And so now I've slipped up and been back on the pain meds for 3 days.
I genuinely don't know what to do at this point, I've read that it can take months or even years before the brain returns to normal and I don't think that I can cope for that long. I probably need inpatient rehab and/or suboxone treatment but lack the resources to make that happen. So I'm stuck.
During the course of dealing with multiple addictions over the years I've done the whole recovery circuit --12 step programs, inpatient and outpatient treatment, sober living houses, one on one therapy, etc., and I learned a lot from it. I'm also an avid meditator, work out with weights, and have a huge library of self-help books, but nothing helps with this. I mean, my brain is simply not functioning correctly. What to do?
I'm 39 years old and have wasted the best years of my life on drugs and in jails and prisons, I have no wife or kids, I'm friendless at this point because they are all on crack, heroin, or in prison, what family I have left are incredibly dysfunctional, and I suffer from a unique combination of other problems that I'm not sure can be listed here -- I'm just really feeling hopeless right now.
With so many problems, and with everything seeming so hopeless, I adopted a new approach to life, decided that I'd simply approach it as an experiment, kinda like "okay, my life's crap and I have nothing to lose, so lets see how good I can make it working with what I've got", but I'm failing miserably.
Its sad to admit, but the best times of my life were several years ago while doing a 6 year prison sentence -- back then I was sober and doing daily zazen practice, I was eating healthy, and back then simple things like reading a good book, or a good meditation session, or simply sitting outside on a fall morning with a good cup of coffee was like heaven, and I'd like to recapture that but this time out here in the free-world.
I used to think that a good life required a lot of money, but at this point I'd just like to salvage whatever's left of my life -- I'd be content with just being sober and at peace, and having someone to love and love me back. You can't put a price tag on that... actually its the free stuff that makes life worth living and that most take for granted but apparently I cant have it. Okay, I'll end it there now as a little self-pity is starting to creep in.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed to vent or something.
Tomorrow I'm attempting complete abstinence again.
Please pray, chant, send positive vibes, or whatever you're into. I need it.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
My prayers are with you tonight ZenGuy. Don’t forget to pray yourself too if you’re so inclined. That’s how I started on my path to recovery. Told God I’m all in asked him to help me quit. I think it’s a prayer he likes to answer. Keep at it. I’m near your age and think my best years are yet to come.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Sending positive thoughts your way. I am sorry for what you are going through. You recall how it felt to be sober; have faith that you can get that back. Ask the God of your understanding to give you the gift of compassion for yourself. Continue to reach out for support, here, of course, or maybe to some meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Hi there ZenGuy, just wanted to send you some positiveness after reading your story. I imagine it must be very unnerving to feel there is no way out. Please post updates often, and let us know how things are going, even if they aren't going well. We can lend an ear and maybe give some advice along the way.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 43
I’d first get to a doctor. For myself that meant walking into the emergency room. This is an emergency in your life and that’s why they are there. Stick to what the doctor says.
Second, don’t look at all your problems as one and get overwhelmed. your only human.
Focus on why you went to prison and how to avoid it again.
write all your problems out on a piece of paper with ideas about what your going to do about them.
you will feel better about all this right away. Then hack away at them the best you can.
If you fail at something you intended to do then you must learn from that and move on.
Success often comes from a series of failures.
Second, don’t look at all your problems as one and get overwhelmed. your only human.
Focus on why you went to prison and how to avoid it again.
write all your problems out on a piece of paper with ideas about what your going to do about them.
you will feel better about all this right away. Then hack away at them the best you can.
If you fail at something you intended to do then you must learn from that and move on.
Success often comes from a series of failures.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by 10r 
I’d first get to a doctor. For myself that meant walking into the emergency room. This is an emergency in your life and that’s why they are there. Stick to what the doctor says.
Second, don’t look at all your problems as one and get overwhelmed. your only human.
Focus on why you went to prison and how to avoid it again.
write all your problems out on a piece of paper with ideas about what your going to do about them.
you will feel better about all this right away. Then hack away at them the best you can.
If you fail at something you intended to do then you must learn from that and move on.
Success often comes from a series of failures.
Second, don’t look at all your problems as one and get overwhelmed. your only human.
Focus on why you went to prison and how to avoid it again.
write all your problems out on a piece of paper with ideas about what your going to do about them.
you will feel better about all this right away. Then hack away at them the best you can.
If you fail at something you intended to do then you must learn from that and move on.
Success often comes from a series of failures.
Thankfully criminal behavior's no longer an issue. At this point it's the crippling depression, anxiety, and inability to experience pleasure during abstinence that's got me stuck. And everything in my life just aggravates it as none of the conditions that create happiness or well-being are present.
If I could get a break from it long enough to accomplish something then perhaps I'd get better...but it doesn't let up. And I don't want to get on meds for it, so...
This stuff gets old, I'm just burnt out. After years of thinking about and doing recovery/self help type stuff it makes me sick, fed up with it. Tired of struggling to be okay.
Though it sounds ridiculous, sometimes I feel like the logical course of action would be to simply surrender to what seems to be fate and go full drug-addict/street person mode because all efforts at being kind and doing "the right thing" bring more suffering. But there's that voice inside of me that says "keep trying". Okay I'm rambling again.
Sorry if I'm being difficult or negative, it's become my normal.
thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 43
I can truly say I understand about the inability to experience pleasure during abstinence.
Its what got me stuck also.
So now probably I will lose everything. House, job, wife etc.
I’m going to start over because I can. I’m going to look at it as a new adventure.
Id rather be making minimum wage and renting a room then be a street person. One thing guaranteed living on the street will give you is even more inability to experience pleasure.
So you’ve been through programs and meetings etc. I have as well.
At some point you would have seen somebody beat their addiction. Remember the smile on that persons face?
Recovery is is a new beginning and nobody ever said it would be easy. stumbling blocks are part of it too. A learning tool as you know.
i watched my cousin go from addicted to living on the street. They found his body one morning in some alley.
so a perfect waste of a life. One little clip in the news was his legacy.
You’ve read the “instruction manual” so to speak. Sounds like you know exactly what to do.
Its what got me stuck also.
So now probably I will lose everything. House, job, wife etc.
I’m going to start over because I can. I’m going to look at it as a new adventure.
Id rather be making minimum wage and renting a room then be a street person. One thing guaranteed living on the street will give you is even more inability to experience pleasure.
So you’ve been through programs and meetings etc. I have as well.
At some point you would have seen somebody beat their addiction. Remember the smile on that persons face?
Recovery is is a new beginning and nobody ever said it would be easy. stumbling blocks are part of it too. A learning tool as you know.
i watched my cousin go from addicted to living on the street. They found his body one morning in some alley.
so a perfect waste of a life. One little clip in the news was his legacy.
You’ve read the “instruction manual” so to speak. Sounds like you know exactly what to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 43
I’m sorry for rambling but I want to say one thing more.
In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
That changed everything for myself. The thought that you are actually fixed at this moment.
In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
That changed everything for myself. The thought that you are actually fixed at this moment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,154
Originally Posted by 10r
I’m sorry for rambling but I want to say one thing more.
In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
That changed everything for myself. The thought that you are actually fixed at this moment.
In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
That changed everything for myself. The thought that you are actually fixed at this moment.
In a like manner, I wouldn't tell another alcoholic "in recovery" that he can never be sure he won't drink again (a guy in my group was big on that). I don't want to encourage anyone to linger with that thought haunting them. I say this without knowing for sure what an alcoholic really wants, but I don't think most alcoholics seeking help only want a vacation. Rather they want to be fixed, and I want to assure them that they can be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Isn't it just meant to keep the person vigilant about their addiction? If you start to lose that mental focus I can imagine it might lead to the thought that you're in a position to start drinking again? I have no experience with alcohol addiction and / or the AA but this is just a question that came up.
ZenGuy, you sound depressed and I wonder if you can beat all this crap on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. That doesn't mean any form of help, but something that works for you.
Were you totally unhappy during the 4 years you were clean? It can seem like a mammoth task to take on life sober, but from my -by all means limited- perspective it takes time, the road will be a bit rocky but in general you will feel better. There will be ups and downs, but the graph-line of hapiness will be slowly on the uprise. I also think you will be much more able to deal with your problems in the long term as a sober man. Try and stay away from thought about the all your problems and everything that comes with them. Break it up in chunks that are manageable. You will be able to handle bigger chunks over time.
Man, I feel for you and I truly hope you can find your out of this. If we can help you with it, even the better.
ZenGuy, you sound depressed and I wonder if you can beat all this crap on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. That doesn't mean any form of help, but something that works for you.
Were you totally unhappy during the 4 years you were clean? It can seem like a mammoth task to take on life sober, but from my -by all means limited- perspective it takes time, the road will be a bit rocky but in general you will feel better. There will be ups and downs, but the graph-line of hapiness will be slowly on the uprise. I also think you will be much more able to deal with your problems in the long term as a sober man. Try and stay away from thought about the all your problems and everything that comes with them. Break it up in chunks that are manageable. You will be able to handle bigger chunks over time.
Man, I feel for you and I truly hope you can find your out of this. If we can help you with it, even the better.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 7
Hi, thanks for the replies. Tried the "multi-quote" function but don't know how to use it, so I'll do it this way:
10r said: "So now probably I will lose everything. House, job, wife etc.
I’m going to start over because I can. I’m going to look at it as a new adventure.
Id rather be making minimum wage and renting a room then be a street person. One thing guaranteed living on the street will give you is even more inability to experience pleasure.
So you’ve been through programs and meetings etc. I have as well.
At some point you would have seen somebody beat their addiction. Remember the smile on that persons face?
Ya, I get it. I had smiles on my face too after quitting a severe crack cocaine addiction a few years back. But these opiates are something entirely different. After quitting crack it was like "wow, this is great", because the consequences of the crack addiction were so in-your-face terrible that when I got some relief it was completely life-changing, ya know? I was one of those 125 pound dirty non-functioning crack heads (I'm a mostly fit 200 lbs now) - so it felt great to start bathing everyday, gain weight, have money, and not be looked upon as a "crack head" by others lol. For me, aside from the emotional stuff, a big part of the struggle with these pills is that they actually enhanced my life, so much so that even others noticed the change -- they made me happy, outgoing, social, made me feel optimistic, gave me hope. So its like I'm giving up something that made my life better. My biggest reason for quitting is because it became problematic financially (tolerance kept climbing and got to the point to where like 90% of my money went to buying pills). Of course ideally I'd like to learn how to be happy without a chemical crutch, but , well...
10r said:"In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
Yeah, I agree. In fact, I take it even further and don't believe that addiction is a bonafide disease, period. I think that we make addiction bigger and scarier than it really is by telling ourselves we're diseased and recovering for life. But then again I suppose that in some cases it can be useful to look at it that way.
I don't know. For me, after years of struggling with the crack I simply woke up one day in a filthy crack hotel in the middle of a multi-day binge and quit, was like " that's it. I'm done! " lol and had zero problems with it! I called everyone that moment and told them "I quit" and no one believed me. But I did.
I defied all conventional wisdom, even for awhile thereafter continuing to hang out with friends whom smoked it everyday with no slips or cravings -- very odd, no idea what occurred inside of me that enabled me to do that. But I did it An acquaintance of mine who dabbles in eastern philosophy and tantra type stuff has a theory that I did so much of it I transcended my desire for it (or...something like that lol.)
I'm certain that I could do the same with the pills if it weren't for the depression and anhedonia that results.
Flying Dutchman said:
ZenGuy, you sound depressed and I wonder if you can beat all this crap on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. That doesn't mean any form of help, but something that works for you
Were you totally unhappy during the 4 years you were clean? It can seem like a mammoth task to take on life sober, but from my -by all means limited- perspective it takes time, the road will be a bit rocky but in general you will feel better. There will be ups and downs, but the graph-line of hapiness will be slowly on the uprise. I also think you will be much more able to deal with your problems in the long term as a sober man. Try and stay away from thought about the all your problems and everything that comes with them. Break it up in chunks that are manageable. You will be able to handle bigger chunks over time."
Ya definitely depressed. Can't afford professional help (uninsured right now).
And yeah there were some good times during sobriety. My normal state is occasional depression and anxiety, but it felt awesome to make progress after the crack. Though being sober did kinda get boring and old, but I was okay with it so as long as I had goals and were moving towards them.
As for breaking up my problems, etc, you make perfectly good sense. Normally I practice zen meditation and philosophy and am real big on living in the moment, dealing with right now and not dwelling on the past or problems, etc., but wow that approach has went down the toilet for me lol. I mean, these days when I don't put opiates in my body I even dream about problems! Every issue I've ever had is amplified! I even dwell on regrets from when I was like 14 lol.
Its so scary because as I've mentioned else where it is claimed that it can take even years for the brain chemistry to get back close to normal!
I guess I'm just gonna have to buckle down and suffer for awhile and see if it gets better. But I swear I just don't feel that I've got it in me to do it.
Well okay guys, thanks again. I know that maybe I'm going in circles and repeating stuff but it felt great to chat.
Later
10r said: "So now probably I will lose everything. House, job, wife etc.
I’m going to start over because I can. I’m going to look at it as a new adventure.
Id rather be making minimum wage and renting a room then be a street person. One thing guaranteed living on the street will give you is even more inability to experience pleasure.
So you’ve been through programs and meetings etc. I have as well.
At some point you would have seen somebody beat their addiction. Remember the smile on that persons face?
Ya, I get it. I had smiles on my face too after quitting a severe crack cocaine addiction a few years back. But these opiates are something entirely different. After quitting crack it was like "wow, this is great", because the consequences of the crack addiction were so in-your-face terrible that when I got some relief it was completely life-changing, ya know? I was one of those 125 pound dirty non-functioning crack heads (I'm a mostly fit 200 lbs now) - so it felt great to start bathing everyday, gain weight, have money, and not be looked upon as a "crack head" by others lol. For me, aside from the emotional stuff, a big part of the struggle with these pills is that they actually enhanced my life, so much so that even others noticed the change -- they made me happy, outgoing, social, made me feel optimistic, gave me hope. So its like I'm giving up something that made my life better. My biggest reason for quitting is because it became problematic financially (tolerance kept climbing and got to the point to where like 90% of my money went to buying pills). Of course ideally I'd like to learn how to be happy without a chemical crutch, but , well...
10r said:"In AA they tell you you will be a “recovering alcoholic” basically forever. In my opinion that is depressing. Like somebody trying to get better and putting a road block in front.
it wasn’t until I went to a CA meeting (cocane anamous).
It was in that meeting they declared you can be fixed. Not like a label for the rest of your life. It gave hope where there wasn’t otherwise.
Simple. Don’t take drugs and you are fixed.
Yeah, I agree. In fact, I take it even further and don't believe that addiction is a bonafide disease, period. I think that we make addiction bigger and scarier than it really is by telling ourselves we're diseased and recovering for life. But then again I suppose that in some cases it can be useful to look at it that way.
I don't know. For me, after years of struggling with the crack I simply woke up one day in a filthy crack hotel in the middle of a multi-day binge and quit, was like " that's it. I'm done! " lol and had zero problems with it! I called everyone that moment and told them "I quit" and no one believed me. But I did.
I defied all conventional wisdom, even for awhile thereafter continuing to hang out with friends whom smoked it everyday with no slips or cravings -- very odd, no idea what occurred inside of me that enabled me to do that. But I did it An acquaintance of mine who dabbles in eastern philosophy and tantra type stuff has a theory that I did so much of it I transcended my desire for it (or...something like that lol.)
I'm certain that I could do the same with the pills if it weren't for the depression and anhedonia that results.
Flying Dutchman said:
ZenGuy, you sound depressed and I wonder if you can beat all this crap on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. That doesn't mean any form of help, but something that works for you
Were you totally unhappy during the 4 years you were clean? It can seem like a mammoth task to take on life sober, but from my -by all means limited- perspective it takes time, the road will be a bit rocky but in general you will feel better. There will be ups and downs, but the graph-line of hapiness will be slowly on the uprise. I also think you will be much more able to deal with your problems in the long term as a sober man. Try and stay away from thought about the all your problems and everything that comes with them. Break it up in chunks that are manageable. You will be able to handle bigger chunks over time."
Ya definitely depressed. Can't afford professional help (uninsured right now).
And yeah there were some good times during sobriety. My normal state is occasional depression and anxiety, but it felt awesome to make progress after the crack. Though being sober did kinda get boring and old, but I was okay with it so as long as I had goals and were moving towards them.
As for breaking up my problems, etc, you make perfectly good sense. Normally I practice zen meditation and philosophy and am real big on living in the moment, dealing with right now and not dwelling on the past or problems, etc., but wow that approach has went down the toilet for me lol. I mean, these days when I don't put opiates in my body I even dream about problems! Every issue I've ever had is amplified! I even dwell on regrets from when I was like 14 lol.
Its so scary because as I've mentioned else where it is claimed that it can take even years for the brain chemistry to get back close to normal!
I guess I'm just gonna have to buckle down and suffer for awhile and see if it gets better. But I swear I just don't feel that I've got it in me to do it.
Well okay guys, thanks again. I know that maybe I'm going in circles and repeating stuff but it felt great to chat.
Later
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 7
Ya know what? I've made up my mind. I'm kicking this self-pity to the curb and quitting these pills!
I mean, I've endured crack addiction, years in prison, childhood molestation, a dysfunctional family and a million other terrible things --I can do this too. I'm almost ashamed of having come here and complained!
I'm just gonna vow to not use no matter what and stick to my schedule/plan no matter what: Daily meditation, exercise, healthy meals and vitamins, good rest, kindness, and leave the results up to the universe.
And though I despise them, probably gonna pop in at an n.a meeting or two just for the fellowship and sober environment,
Thanks to everyone whom replied, I genuinely appreciate it!
I mean, I've endured crack addiction, years in prison, childhood molestation, a dysfunctional family and a million other terrible things --I can do this too. I'm almost ashamed of having come here and complained!
I'm just gonna vow to not use no matter what and stick to my schedule/plan no matter what: Daily meditation, exercise, healthy meals and vitamins, good rest, kindness, and leave the results up to the universe.
And though I despise them, probably gonna pop in at an n.a meeting or two just for the fellowship and sober environment,
Thanks to everyone whom replied, I genuinely appreciate it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Originally Posted by ZenGuy
I'm almost ashamed of having come here and complained!
I think you made a great decision, a tough one too...I hope nothing will keep you from using this forum to vent everything that's going on inside your mind. It's important and you say it helps, so keep doing it.
Wishing you strength and courage!
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 7
Thanks
And yeah I'll probably be sticking around to vent/chat occasionally until I'm eventually banned or something lol.
Admittedly, I had a few pills left over so I'm doing those today and jumping back on the wagon tomorrow. Decided that since this is it I'd just kinda stay at home all day and have a pill holiday! Counterproductive ( I know) but figured I'd make the most of it since its coming to an end again after today.
I've wrote out a schedule of positive activities and the like for the net few weeks and the goal is to go do them no matter how I feel or what I think.
I had this multi-day binge after several weeks clean so I hope that I haven't done enough to have physical withdrawals...but then again I have an almost fool-proof miracle method that pretty much eliminates those so no worries. Its the return to constant mental anguish that I'm dreading.
Well okay thanks again
And yeah I'll probably be sticking around to vent/chat occasionally until I'm eventually banned or something lol.
Admittedly, I had a few pills left over so I'm doing those today and jumping back on the wagon tomorrow. Decided that since this is it I'd just kinda stay at home all day and have a pill holiday! Counterproductive ( I know) but figured I'd make the most of it since its coming to an end again after today.
I've wrote out a schedule of positive activities and the like for the net few weeks and the goal is to go do them no matter how I feel or what I think.
I had this multi-day binge after several weeks clean so I hope that I haven't done enough to have physical withdrawals...but then again I have an almost fool-proof miracle method that pretty much eliminates those so no worries. Its the return to constant mental anguish that I'm dreading.
Well okay thanks again
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