Hot Mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Hot Mess
I stopped using my Drugs of Choice (heroin, prescription opiates, meth, coke) ~7.5 yrs ago & was 100% clean/sober for 20 months. After that period, I smoked pot & drank as I wanted to, under the delusion that it was "ok" since I was working 40-60hrs a week, being a "good father", and being a "good husband" - and even in retrospect I would say that I was upholding my duties as an employee, father, and spouse.
The catch is that I'm an addict. So while I might not have had a terrible problem with pot & beer right now, it was literally only a matter of time before I did. I was a pothead for over a decade before prescription opiates became my DOC, which led to snorting heroin, which led to IV heroin use, which led to putting anything I could into a needle, which led to rock bottom for me and the 7.5 years off of my DOCs / IV drug use.
Over the course of the last 2-3 yrs or so of smoking pot & drinking casually, my wife spiraled out of control. She became an obsessive/compulsive pot smoker, and would binge drink at any given opportunity - to the point of total belligerence. After about 3 drinks she got mean. After about 6 I couldn't stand to be around her. Beyond that, I became a "piece of **** junky", she hated me, she wished I would "just let her go". She got really out of control this past summer, and her binges were pushing me toward the edge of a real relapse on my part. That scared me, because with my DOC a single relapse might mean that I die - so, I started regularly attending NA meetings.
50 days ago, at my wife's insistence, myself and her sister checked her into an in-patient treatment facility. "I need help", she said. We agreed.
It was at this point that I got clean/sober again - how could I ask my wife to be clean/sober if I was not willing to also be? She completed in-patient treatment, and has (for the most part) been following thru with her treatment plan: stay clean/sober, regular NA meetings, therapy, taking her prescribed medications.
Tonight was my home group NA meeting, which I have invited my wife to numerous times. She always says no, stating that it's "my meeting" (she attends one on Sundays w/out me). Got a call from my wife on my way home from the meeting - she blurts out that she just drank a bottle of Fireball.
I did not raise my voice. I did not name-call. I asked her exactly how much she drank, who she was with, and if she had any more booze. I asked her for her car keys, and the debit card tied to our checking account, hoping to keep her from doing something really stupid. She gave me both without argument, while stating "I know you're going to kick me out of the house". I assured her that I had no intention of doing that.
I remained calm, attempting to talk to her, but she was projecting her negative feelings of self onto me: "I'm a piece of ****, I know".
Then the booze actually hit her. She was mean. I couldn't stand to be around her. I was a "******* piece of **** junky".
She wanted to sit on the porch & smoke. I called my sponsor. I checked on her on the porch, told her I loved her. I went upstairs to talk to our 2 teenage children & explain to them what was going on. When I came back down to check on her, she was gone.
I tracked her down a couple blocks from our house, and called her mother in the process. She kept telling me to "just let her go", to leave her alone, to **** off - anything to hurt me or push me away. Finally, she got into the car with her mother.
We went home & her mother followed us in, trying to reason with her. Our teenage kids came down and said they were leaving, even if it just meant to go for a walk. The kids ended up leaving with Grandma, and my 14 y/o daughter is staying the night there. While both kids were gone, my wife accused her mother of "taking her kids" - I calmly replied that they made their own decision to leave and that no one "took them". They left, because of her behavior, I explained. They were leaving with or without Grandma, because they don't want to be victims of her alcohol abuse and belligerent behavior.
I again became a "junky piece of ****", and was told that it was "fine and dandy" when it was me getting all ****** up - to which I replied that it wasn't fine, it was never fine. I was ****** up, out of control, and I did put my family through the ringer for years with my drug abuse and other self-destructive behaviors. And my only way of making it up to my family, because I cannot change the past, is continue the act of "living amends": Not be an IV drug user, to not put my drug use ahead of the well-being of my family, to be a good provider, to be present as a Father for my children, and to try to be a good husband. I told her I was sorry.
She didn't have anything to say in response.
She is passed out now.
What the **** am I going to do?
The catch is that I'm an addict. So while I might not have had a terrible problem with pot & beer right now, it was literally only a matter of time before I did. I was a pothead for over a decade before prescription opiates became my DOC, which led to snorting heroin, which led to IV heroin use, which led to putting anything I could into a needle, which led to rock bottom for me and the 7.5 years off of my DOCs / IV drug use.
Over the course of the last 2-3 yrs or so of smoking pot & drinking casually, my wife spiraled out of control. She became an obsessive/compulsive pot smoker, and would binge drink at any given opportunity - to the point of total belligerence. After about 3 drinks she got mean. After about 6 I couldn't stand to be around her. Beyond that, I became a "piece of **** junky", she hated me, she wished I would "just let her go". She got really out of control this past summer, and her binges were pushing me toward the edge of a real relapse on my part. That scared me, because with my DOC a single relapse might mean that I die - so, I started regularly attending NA meetings.
50 days ago, at my wife's insistence, myself and her sister checked her into an in-patient treatment facility. "I need help", she said. We agreed.
It was at this point that I got clean/sober again - how could I ask my wife to be clean/sober if I was not willing to also be? She completed in-patient treatment, and has (for the most part) been following thru with her treatment plan: stay clean/sober, regular NA meetings, therapy, taking her prescribed medications.
Tonight was my home group NA meeting, which I have invited my wife to numerous times. She always says no, stating that it's "my meeting" (she attends one on Sundays w/out me). Got a call from my wife on my way home from the meeting - she blurts out that she just drank a bottle of Fireball.
I did not raise my voice. I did not name-call. I asked her exactly how much she drank, who she was with, and if she had any more booze. I asked her for her car keys, and the debit card tied to our checking account, hoping to keep her from doing something really stupid. She gave me both without argument, while stating "I know you're going to kick me out of the house". I assured her that I had no intention of doing that.
I remained calm, attempting to talk to her, but she was projecting her negative feelings of self onto me: "I'm a piece of ****, I know".
Then the booze actually hit her. She was mean. I couldn't stand to be around her. I was a "******* piece of **** junky".
She wanted to sit on the porch & smoke. I called my sponsor. I checked on her on the porch, told her I loved her. I went upstairs to talk to our 2 teenage children & explain to them what was going on. When I came back down to check on her, she was gone.
I tracked her down a couple blocks from our house, and called her mother in the process. She kept telling me to "just let her go", to leave her alone, to **** off - anything to hurt me or push me away. Finally, she got into the car with her mother.
We went home & her mother followed us in, trying to reason with her. Our teenage kids came down and said they were leaving, even if it just meant to go for a walk. The kids ended up leaving with Grandma, and my 14 y/o daughter is staying the night there. While both kids were gone, my wife accused her mother of "taking her kids" - I calmly replied that they made their own decision to leave and that no one "took them". They left, because of her behavior, I explained. They were leaving with or without Grandma, because they don't want to be victims of her alcohol abuse and belligerent behavior.
I again became a "junky piece of ****", and was told that it was "fine and dandy" when it was me getting all ****** up - to which I replied that it wasn't fine, it was never fine. I was ****** up, out of control, and I did put my family through the ringer for years with my drug abuse and other self-destructive behaviors. And my only way of making it up to my family, because I cannot change the past, is continue the act of "living amends": Not be an IV drug user, to not put my drug use ahead of the well-being of my family, to be a good provider, to be present as a Father for my children, and to try to be a good husband. I told her I was sorry.
She didn't have anything to say in response.
She is passed out now.
What the **** am I going to do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Chance219 - man, this brought back a lot of memories of my failed marriage. I have no idea what to do as far as handling the situation with your wife. The F&F folks would probably be better versed in that area.
As far as your recovery goes, you didn't use over it, right? Your children are going to need at least one responsible parent. Your wife may get better or she might not. You can lead by example by staying clean from this point on.
As far as your recovery goes, you didn't use over it, right? Your children are going to need at least one responsible parent. Your wife may get better or she might not. You can lead by example by staying clean from this point on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry you are in this hot mess, friend. This is a wonderfully supportive board here and so it the friends and family boards.
When all this stuff is happening it's so easy to lose your hope that things can get better. It's easy to feel you are all alone in this struggle. You worry the most about your kids perhaps. At all costs you've got to protect your own sobriety. I'm sure that's been testing and is being tested. Good job calling your sponsor. I don't have a ton else to say, but hang in there.
When all this stuff is happening it's so easy to lose your hope that things can get better. It's easy to feel you are all alone in this struggle. You worry the most about your kids perhaps. At all costs you've got to protect your own sobriety. I'm sure that's been testing and is being tested. Good job calling your sponsor. I don't have a ton else to say, but hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Thanks to both of you for the replies, I guess mostly I just needed to vent. I may show this to my wife later tonight just so she kinda see things from my POV.
I am most concerned about my kids & do try to put their well being first. With that said, I did not use.
I am most concerned about my kids & do try to put their well being first. With that said, I did not use.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi and welcome back Chance.
I'm really glad you decided to get, and are staying, sober.
I guess you know as well as anyone how hard this can be and how many times we can try and not stay sober.
All that being said,it's tough to have to deal with another addict in often violent active addiction (if only in words) especially with kids in the house.
Have support and knowing the right way to deal with things can be invaluable.
Have you thought of Al-Anon for yourself at all?
D
I'm really glad you decided to get, and are staying, sober.
I guess you know as well as anyone how hard this can be and how many times we can try and not stay sober.
All that being said,it's tough to have to deal with another addict in often violent active addiction (if only in words) especially with kids in the house.
Have support and knowing the right way to deal with things can be invaluable.
Have you thought of Al-Anon for yourself at all?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Al-Anon might be very helpful. From my experience at Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, many "double-winners" attend - recovering alcoholic/addicts often deal with addictions of partners or family members. They can benefit from attending and can often provide a valuable perspective from their experiences with their own addiction. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It's important not to jeopardize your sobriety.
Last edited by mayabee; 10-24-2018 at 08:08 PM. Reason: Posted before complete
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Your story resonates with me a lot.
When I got married to my first wife, she drank heavily and I was already a nightly drunk.
My alcohol problem was the topic of conversation for several years, as it should have been, since I was drunk every night.
Then I got sober and she quit drinking, mercifully, for ~10 or so years.
She started drinking surreptitiously at some point behind my back.
We both share 50% responsibility for getting married when we should have never done so, for staying married for many years when we should not have been married, and for our relationship ending in divorce.
I eventually decided that I was going to get a divorce and she agreed.
Her behavior was very similar to that of your wife and alcohol was ruling her life.
I don't know whether she wanted to get sober or not.
She went through treatment and relapsed.
She did so again 2 or 3 times after we got divorce.
I don't know whether she is sober today, but I certainly hope that she is sober and happy.
We were generous with each other at all times during the divorce process and never had a cross word, so to speak.
If I saw her today, we would stop and catch up for 15-20 minutes.
I wish her nothing but the best, and I'm confident that feeling is reciprocal.
I stayed sober throughout the whole matter and remain sober today.
I commend you on your very mature response to her behavior.
Please keep us posted.
When I got married to my first wife, she drank heavily and I was already a nightly drunk.
My alcohol problem was the topic of conversation for several years, as it should have been, since I was drunk every night.
Then I got sober and she quit drinking, mercifully, for ~10 or so years.
She started drinking surreptitiously at some point behind my back.
We both share 50% responsibility for getting married when we should have never done so, for staying married for many years when we should not have been married, and for our relationship ending in divorce.
I eventually decided that I was going to get a divorce and she agreed.
Her behavior was very similar to that of your wife and alcohol was ruling her life.
I don't know whether she wanted to get sober or not.
She went through treatment and relapsed.
She did so again 2 or 3 times after we got divorce.
I don't know whether she is sober today, but I certainly hope that she is sober and happy.
We were generous with each other at all times during the divorce process and never had a cross word, so to speak.
If I saw her today, we would stop and catch up for 15-20 minutes.
I wish her nothing but the best, and I'm confident that feeling is reciprocal.
I stayed sober throughout the whole matter and remain sober today.
I commend you on your very mature response to her behavior.
Please keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Things are terrible.
I asked my wife to attend my "home group" NA meeting with me tonight, she declined, but insists she is doing "everything in her power" to stay sober. She has not used or drank, to my knowledge, since the relapse 1 wk ago that led to me creating this thread.
As I was getting ready to head out to the meeting, she was getting ready to go for a walk. She took off a few minutes ahead of me. My "Spidey Senses" started tingling, so en route to the Meeting I drove past my wife's friend's house - a place that in the past she has:
- lied to me about being/not being
- drank and drugged
- possibly cheated on me
- hid our car at a nearby apt bldg so I would not know she was there
I saw her friend on the porch, but not my wife. She was there, I just didn't see her. Wife called me before I made it to the end of the block, telling me she wasn't doing anything wrong. IMO being less than honest about "going for a walk" when you're going to hang out w/ one of your using buddies doesn't exactly equal "not doing anything wrong".
So, when I got home from Meeting, we had a fairly heated discussion where she yet again admitted that she resents me and the things I did to her in the past (being an IV heroin addict), she is mad that I said she is not doing everything w/in her power to stay sober if she's not going to Meetings, and that she's tired of trying to live up to the "high bar" I have set for her b/c she is "not where I am at in terms of recovery".
I tried to explain to her that everyone is somewhere different in terms of recovery, and that even though we might not be at the same spot we do share something in common: we are both addicts who used because we were hurting, and that I understood that battle. She accused me of knowing everything, and always being right.
I told her that I would love her until the day I died, and that I hoped that I would be able to love her while being by her side rather than loving her from afar. I told her I was "all-in" in terms of our relationship, and asked if she felt the same way. She said no.
I guess that one of us will be moving out of the house soon.
I fear for both of us if that happens. I feel very confident in my sobriety right now, even having typed this and attempting to come to terms with the possible end of a 22 yr relationship - I have a feeling I won't be so confident if I'm somewhere alone w/out her and my kids, or if she is somewhere unknown in self-destructive addict mode.
Hot ****** Mess.
I asked my wife to attend my "home group" NA meeting with me tonight, she declined, but insists she is doing "everything in her power" to stay sober. She has not used or drank, to my knowledge, since the relapse 1 wk ago that led to me creating this thread.
As I was getting ready to head out to the meeting, she was getting ready to go for a walk. She took off a few minutes ahead of me. My "Spidey Senses" started tingling, so en route to the Meeting I drove past my wife's friend's house - a place that in the past she has:
- lied to me about being/not being
- drank and drugged
- possibly cheated on me
- hid our car at a nearby apt bldg so I would not know she was there
I saw her friend on the porch, but not my wife. She was there, I just didn't see her. Wife called me before I made it to the end of the block, telling me she wasn't doing anything wrong. IMO being less than honest about "going for a walk" when you're going to hang out w/ one of your using buddies doesn't exactly equal "not doing anything wrong".
So, when I got home from Meeting, we had a fairly heated discussion where she yet again admitted that she resents me and the things I did to her in the past (being an IV heroin addict), she is mad that I said she is not doing everything w/in her power to stay sober if she's not going to Meetings, and that she's tired of trying to live up to the "high bar" I have set for her b/c she is "not where I am at in terms of recovery".
I tried to explain to her that everyone is somewhere different in terms of recovery, and that even though we might not be at the same spot we do share something in common: we are both addicts who used because we were hurting, and that I understood that battle. She accused me of knowing everything, and always being right.
I told her that I would love her until the day I died, and that I hoped that I would be able to love her while being by her side rather than loving her from afar. I told her I was "all-in" in terms of our relationship, and asked if she felt the same way. She said no.
I guess that one of us will be moving out of the house soon.
I fear for both of us if that happens. I feel very confident in my sobriety right now, even having typed this and attempting to come to terms with the possible end of a 22 yr relationship - I have a feeling I won't be so confident if I'm somewhere alone w/out her and my kids, or if she is somewhere unknown in self-destructive addict mode.
Hot ****** Mess.
Last edited by Dee74; 10-31-2018 at 12:06 AM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 754
I am so glad to read that you are sober and able to be present for your children. They have no say in this mess. Please keep them safe and a huge congratulations to you for staying sober 💕
i would definitely recommend Alanon for you.
i would definitely recommend Alanon for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
"not where I am at in terms of recovery" = she never wanted to get sober, even though she insisted on going to in-patient 59 days ago and has admitted that she is the problem
So at least now that she is gone, the truth has come out. No wonder she was so miserable living under the same roof as me. I was literally standing in between her and her DOCs.
She is staying with her mother (alcoholic/pot smoker) and step-father (pot smoker, pill user) - which to me is just walking into the lion's den, but whatever - that's something only an ******* like me who knows everything would say, right? I have been in contact with her father, who is long-time law enforcement, and he is siding with this currently sober "piece of **** junky" who hasn't touched dope or a needle in almost 8 yrs - the guy with the best interest of his grandkids in mind, and not his own daughter.
She says the separation is so that she can work on her, and we can work on us - I honestly just see it as a dress rehearsal for Divorce, at least right now on Day 1. She has managed to suck every ounce of Hope that I had, or maybe I have just allowed her to? I really am not sure at this point if I even want to entertain the thought of reconciling.
Hoping, praying, wishing that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that she is sick, but I have all but exhausted my resources in the last 59 days, in particular the last 10 days that saw me put in 70hrs at work last week on top of dealing with this mess.
Tomorrow is day 60 clean and sober for me, and I will be attending a meeting ~30mi from home to pick up my 60day tag.
Just for today.
Do the next right thing.
So at least now that she is gone, the truth has come out. No wonder she was so miserable living under the same roof as me. I was literally standing in between her and her DOCs.
She is staying with her mother (alcoholic/pot smoker) and step-father (pot smoker, pill user) - which to me is just walking into the lion's den, but whatever - that's something only an ******* like me who knows everything would say, right? I have been in contact with her father, who is long-time law enforcement, and he is siding with this currently sober "piece of **** junky" who hasn't touched dope or a needle in almost 8 yrs - the guy with the best interest of his grandkids in mind, and not his own daughter.
She says the separation is so that she can work on her, and we can work on us - I honestly just see it as a dress rehearsal for Divorce, at least right now on Day 1. She has managed to suck every ounce of Hope that I had, or maybe I have just allowed her to? I really am not sure at this point if I even want to entertain the thought of reconciling.
Hoping, praying, wishing that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that she is sick, but I have all but exhausted my resources in the last 59 days, in particular the last 10 days that saw me put in 70hrs at work last week on top of dealing with this mess.
Tomorrow is day 60 clean and sober for me, and I will be attending a meeting ~30mi from home to pick up my 60day tag.
Just for today.
Do the next right thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Chance219 
she is mad that I said she is not doing everything w/in her power to stay sober if she's not going to Meetings, and that she's tired of trying to live up to the "high bar" I have set for her b/c she is "not where I am at in terms of recovery".
Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? I know that you have experienced this struggle first hand but really her struggle is not yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and surely can't Cure it.
As is said in the Friends and Family forum often, if love could cure addiction we could just shut the forum down. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I don't know how you would have felt if you had someone telling you how to get sober and putting their expectations on you? I guess that works for some people but it would seem, in your wife's case she's telling you that doesn't work for her.
Anyway, I suggested Al-Anon because it might help to have some tools to deal with this and put the focus back on yourself and your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Chance219 - congrats on 60 days. It sounds like you have been expending a tremendous amount of emotional energy on her. You now have time to focus on yourself and your children.
There are a lot of similarities to what you are describing, and my failed marriage. It brings back some painful memories. I was seen as a piece of **** junkie too, and it didn't matter if I was clean or not. Once a junkie always a junkie was her mantra. That was just her way of being a spiteful bitch. Mine started drinking alcoholicly too at one point. If I am brutally honest I was happy when she did. I knew she would put herself through more pain than I would ever be able to dish out. I was hoping for a day when she was in withdrawal so I could stand over her and tell her how she did it to herself...with the exact same contempt she had for me. My blood still boils when I think about it. Other people seem to have gotten over similar situations, and they can hope for good things for their exes. I still hate mine and hope she is suffering in terrible pain.
I didn't mean to make my response about me, but I understand your anger right now. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of pain ahead of her. What goes around comes around.
Keep posting.
There are a lot of similarities to what you are describing, and my failed marriage. It brings back some painful memories. I was seen as a piece of **** junkie too, and it didn't matter if I was clean or not. Once a junkie always a junkie was her mantra. That was just her way of being a spiteful bitch. Mine started drinking alcoholicly too at one point. If I am brutally honest I was happy when she did. I knew she would put herself through more pain than I would ever be able to dish out. I was hoping for a day when she was in withdrawal so I could stand over her and tell her how she did it to herself...with the exact same contempt she had for me. My blood still boils when I think about it. Other people seem to have gotten over similar situations, and they can hope for good things for their exes. I still hate mine and hope she is suffering in terrible pain.
I didn't mean to make my response about me, but I understand your anger right now. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of pain ahead of her. What goes around comes around.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
As much as it sucks because she's your wife and the mother of your kids and you love her, you are not responsible for her sobriety she is. You can't force her to change. All you can do is do what you have to for yourself to maintain your sobriety and also protect your kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by trailmix
First congratulations on your 60 days!
Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? I know that you have experienced this struggle first hand but really her struggle is not yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and surely can't Cure it.
As is said in the Friends and Family forum often, if love could cure addiction we could just shut the forum down. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I don't know how you would have felt if you had someone telling you how to get sober and putting their expectations on you? I guess that works for some people but it would seem, in your wife's case she's telling you that doesn't work for her.
Anyway, I suggested Al-Anon because it might help to have some tools to deal with this and put the focus back on yourself and your life.
Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? I know that you have experienced this struggle first hand but really her struggle is not yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and surely can't Cure it.
As is said in the Friends and Family forum often, if love could cure addiction we could just shut the forum down. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I don't know how you would have felt if you had someone telling you how to get sober and putting their expectations on you? I guess that works for some people but it would seem, in your wife's case she's telling you that doesn't work for her.
Anyway, I suggested Al-Anon because it might help to have some tools to deal with this and put the focus back on yourself and your life.
I was asked to attend and give input.
I was asked by the therapist what my expectations were, and here is my list:
1)Stay sober.
2)Follow thru w/ treatment plan as outlined by staff on discharge
3)Regularly attend NA or AA meeting
4)Honesty
5)Stay sober.
Her therapist told me these were all reasonable expectations & my wife agreed to them. So how in the **** is this "setting the bar too high" (my wife's words)? She AGREED to these things, but now that it's actually crunch time and time to make good - she's bailing.
-Relapsed.
-Cancelled therapy appt Thurs 11/1/2018, had already switched from weekly to bi-weekly b/c "it costs too much"(I make almost 2x what she does & the cost does not matter to me)
-Refuses to attend only NA meeting actually held in our small rural town of 6k ppl. Next closest meetings are 20-40mi away. Relapsed WHILE I WAS AT SAID MEETING that she refuses to attend.
-Has not attended a single AA meeting since release
-Either lied or was "less than honest" about going to her using friend's house earlier this week
Deeds, not words.
When I made the decision to stop using dope, I did just that - stop using dope. Never picked up a needle again - never did heroin/meth/coke again. There were expectations put on me, and my wife wanted me to tell her that I would never use again - I told her that I couldn't make that promise to her, but I did tell her that I was sober that day, I planned on going to bed sober, and I wanted to be sober tomorrow. The difference, IMO, is she doesn't WANT to be sober. She is just counting down the minutes until she gets to relapse again, and hating me every minute that I stand in her way. Typical addict behavior. Sick.
That was Spring of 2011 - still haven't used dope or needles since. I did drink socially and smoke pot off and on for 5 years after having 20 months of clean time starting in 2011. I'm not a saint, I don't know everything, but I have ******* bent over backwards and broken myself emotionally over this situation.
"**** your God"
"**** your Meetings"
"Junky Piece of ****"
She poked the bear one too many times, so maybe now it's just:
**** you, Kristina
Not sorry if I sound defensive, because I am.
Maybe I do need something like Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon to help me understand. If me being "understanding" means not holding her accountable for her choices and actions, or sticking up for myself when she's being a bitch, then maybe I don't want to understand.
Maybe she should've just let me keep jabbing myself every morning at 4am in the hopes that I would finally OD and die.
Maybe I don't care at this point.
Hopefully if and when sleep comes (it's not coming tonight, sadly), I will wake up with a better attitude toward things. Bitter and spiteful at this point, which I know is not the right attitude to have, but it's where I am.
God... Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The COURAGE to change the things I CAN
and the wisdom to know the difference
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by trailmix
First congratulations on your 60 days!
Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? I know that you have experienced this struggle first hand but really her struggle is not yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and surely can't Cure it.
As is said in the Friends and Family forum often, if love could cure addiction we could just shut the forum down. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I don't know how you would have felt if you had someone telling you how to get sober and putting their expectations on you? I guess that works for some people but it would seem, in your wife's case she's telling you that doesn't work for her.
Anyway, I suggested Al-Anon because it might help to have some tools to deal with this and put the focus back on yourself and your life.
Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? I know that you have experienced this struggle first hand but really her struggle is not yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and surely can't Cure it.
As is said in the Friends and Family forum often, if love could cure addiction we could just shut the forum down. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I don't know how you would have felt if you had someone telling you how to get sober and putting their expectations on you? I guess that works for some people but it would seem, in your wife's case she's telling you that doesn't work for her.
Anyway, I suggested Al-Anon because it might help to have some tools to deal with this and put the focus back on yourself and your life.
I do not want to edit or change my previous response because it may serve some purpose moving forward.
I realize that I have probably become "addicted" to my wife's recovery.
Obsessive. Compulsive.
I cannot change her behavior, I can only affect change on myself.
I spent some time reading in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. I am going to continue reading until it's time to go to work.
I mentioned Family Group meeting while my wife was doing in-patient, at that same meeting I was asked what my fears were. I stated that my greatest fear was to become a stumbling block in my wife's recovery rather than being a stepping stone. My greatest fear has been realized, I think.
I was only trying to help. I did make my my expectations known, I did share what worked for me, and shared my experiences with her - but our relationship has become so dysfunctional that she would take offense to me telling her the sky was blue and the grass is green. We are both aware that she "cannot hear anything from me" (her words). She says it's because she resents the past too much, I think it's because she resents the present too much (my current sobriety, lack of desire to use, and general well-being).
Feeling pretty broken right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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She has stated she cannot hear anything from you, that's her truth. I understand your raging against this, I understand that the lying is a horrible thing to you, that's perfectly normal.
The thing is, once you detach yourself a bit, once you see that she isn't drinking AT you, she is just drinking, once you see that you need to stay on your side of the street, things may improve, if you do decide to carry on in your marriage.
You don't want this for her and deep down I'm sure it's probably not what she wants for herself, but right now, she wants to drink and honestly that is her prerogative. We can't and shouldn't try to control people (yes, even if it is for their own good, in our opinion).
I hope you find the friends and family forum helpful, some of the stickies at the top of the forum can be helpful as well. If you are interested you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The thing is, once you detach yourself a bit, once you see that she isn't drinking AT you, she is just drinking, once you see that you need to stay on your side of the street, things may improve, if you do decide to carry on in your marriage.
You don't want this for her and deep down I'm sure it's probably not what she wants for herself, but right now, she wants to drink and honestly that is her prerogative. We can't and shouldn't try to control people (yes, even if it is for their own good, in our opinion).
I hope you find the friends and family forum helpful, some of the stickies at the top of the forum can be helpful as well. If you are interested you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
I can only keep what I have by giving it away...
but the one person I *want* to give it to the most, wants no part of it.
Just got back from Meeting - on one hand I feel really good about myself for getting my 60 day keytag.
On the other hand, I feel like it's totally meaningless because in the process of "earning" that keytag I did allow myself to become a stumbling block in my wife's recovery. I failed her, my kids, and myself.
I guess all I can do now, is nothing. There is nothing I can do right now to improve my situation, which as someone who is very results-oriented, is pretty difficult to stomach. After getting ~90 mins of sleep last night, working ~10 hrs, spending ~1hr driving to attend a ~1hr meeting I'm too exhausted to do anything anyway - I can't effectively digest written material and probably shouldn't be wasting anyone's time by typing this (or my own).
Probably just as miserable right now as I ever was in full on daily IV heroin addiction. The only appreciable difference is that I'm in a better position to be a good Father sober than if I were junked out. So I guess there's that.
but the one person I *want* to give it to the most, wants no part of it.
Just got back from Meeting - on one hand I feel really good about myself for getting my 60 day keytag.
On the other hand, I feel like it's totally meaningless because in the process of "earning" that keytag I did allow myself to become a stumbling block in my wife's recovery. I failed her, my kids, and myself.
I guess all I can do now, is nothing. There is nothing I can do right now to improve my situation, which as someone who is very results-oriented, is pretty difficult to stomach. After getting ~90 mins of sleep last night, working ~10 hrs, spending ~1hr driving to attend a ~1hr meeting I'm too exhausted to do anything anyway - I can't effectively digest written material and probably shouldn't be wasting anyone's time by typing this (or my own).
Probably just as miserable right now as I ever was in full on daily IV heroin addiction. The only appreciable difference is that I'm in a better position to be a good Father sober than if I were junked out. So I guess there's that.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
The In-Between Place
This is more bitter to me than chewing up a handful of Vicodins ever was.
So true, but so bitter.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I had to go searching hard for this passage - who knew the word "between" would turn up so many results in the search engine, ha!
This is Me right now - exactly where I am & exactly what I'm struggling with. Sharing in case it resonates with any of the rest of you today:
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. It's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
This is Me right now - exactly where I am & exactly what I'm struggling with. Sharing in case it resonates with any of the rest of you today:
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. It's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
So true, but so bitter.
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