Chance219

Hope you are doing well today treeguy24

teatreeoil007

Me too, treeguy. Hope you're doing well. We are here for you, regardless.

treeguy24

Still been clean since that last relapse but I've thought about using.

A lot has been going on. Started a new job, didn't work out. Then a new job opportunity opened up and I've been focused on that. Still doing tree work just working for a company as opposed to for myself. It's funny how the opportunity presented itself.

I have my business and reputation obviously and I got called the day after I was told it wouldn't work out with the first company I was trying out for because somebody had a cat stuck way up in a tree that had been there a week. I went and climbed the tree to see if I could rescue the poor thing but it walked further out onto a branch when it saw me and there was no way I could get it safely by climbing so I referred them to a company that had a lift that could out there. Well the owner showed up to assess the situation while I was still there and we got to talking and now I'm working full time for him. Funny how these things work out.

I told my counselor yesterday that I feel I'm sort of in limbo. I've stayed away from oxycodone and I've been clean but I haven't committed to being clean. What I mean is I am in between my last relapse and what happens next. Am I going to make the decision that I'm going to stay clean, or am I going to use again? The Suboxone has been a huge factor in why I've been able to stay away from the pills. Without it I know I would be using. Maybe one day I will be able to make that commitment to staying clean.

Being clean is one thing, but committing to staying clean and living a life free of drugs is another. Right now I'm sort of in waiting mode to see if and when I will use again or I won't. If that makes any sense?

OpioPhobe

Treeguy - your last paragraph sounds like a self-delusion more than anything else. If you are waiting to see if you are going to use then it sounds like you already plan to use but don't want to admit it to yourself.

Staying clean requires living a life free of drugs. There is no grey area.

You want to quit on some level or else you wouldn't have gone to the sub doctor.

Why do you want to stop using?

SoberCAH

This makes perfect sense if you're a practicing junkie.

But not to anyone who values his or her life.

Why don't you quit waiting to see whether you'll use again and seek help for your addiction?

None of the various life issues you described in your original post appear like they are worth dying about.

treeguy24

I don’t think it’s right to refer to anyone on here as a “junkie.” And if that’s what you’re implying I don’t appreciate it.

And secondly, if you read through the entire thread you’d see I already have sought help. I am in treatment and have been for a few months.

And you don’t understand my situation or my “life issues” so don’t judge how bad they may or may not be. I never said anything about not caring about my life. Just because I have an addiction does not mean I don’t value life.

treeguy24

Anyways,

I am getting treatment I go to the Suboxone clinic and I also go see and addiction counselor.

I'm at around 76 days with no drugs or alcohol. But the temptation is really strong. I already gave my friend money to get me pills I just haven't heard from him yet. And I have a bottle of vodka sitting in my room unopened. Alcohol really isn't my preference but it's a substitute if I can't get pills.

Trying to fight the temptation everyday.

Dee74

It toiok me a lot lomger than 76 days to sort myself out treeguy. I hope you nix the pills idea and dump the vodka.

If you're like me you've given years to getting high - give recovery a fighting chance...give it a little more than 76 days at least....

otherwise you're going to be stick in the merry go round again, man.

D

OpioPhobe

Treeguy - have you tried looking at aspects of your life that you may want to change? I had built my life around the drug use over time without realizing it. For example, I had only one true friend in the end of my using. I never participated in anything that 'normal` people would (e.g. a hobby, social activity, etc.). For so long the drugs were all that I needed, and I didn`t realize I had been missing out on those things. Recently, I have been struggling with those same things. I need to find some healthy activities to do.

My point is that I tried to just stopping the using, and I could make it a while just being abstinent. I was miserable for the vast majority of that time though. When I had healthy activities I was able to feel ok without using. It didn`t seem like a constant battle everyday.

Keep your head up. Congrats on 76 days.

treeguy24

One of the things that I want to change is my living situation. I desperately want to move out to California, currently I reside on the East Coast. I need to save money in order to be able to do that. All of my money went to drugs and I neglected everything else so I am trying to now focus on what goals I have and build my focus and life around what I want to achieve. It's a work in progress.

One thing I have noticed since getting sober is days off and weekends are hard for me. If I'm not working and don't have a full day, I don't know what to do with myself on down time. I talked to my counselor about it and like she said, you can't work 24/7 and you can't be busy 24/7. Before I started using I used to enjoy my weekends and days off from work. I'd do stuff around the house outside, have a fire, and just plain enjoy it. But since coming off opiates it seems it's hard to enjoy the things that I used to. My counselor said it's because when you abuse opiates for an extended period of time it changes the way your body feels pleasure so it's just gonna take some time for me to wok through it and as long as I stay sober things should slowly start to improve hopefully. She used an example that take a regular person and a person addicted to opiates and a beautiful sunshine. The person who isn't using might look at that sunshine and think it's the most amazing thing they've seem, and the person who has been using opiates might look at it and think, "ya it's alright I guess."

Just gotta keep working through it.

Yesterday wasn't a good day. I felt in a funk and depressed and just overall pissed off and miserable about life and ended up lying around sleeping for a good portion of the day. But I stayed sober.

Still, I really would like to get to a point where things that used to bring me enjoyment bring me the same enjoyment. Life is just different without using opiates, everything feels different.

Almost 90 days though.

Dee74

I hope you find as time goes on you'll get the old enjoyment back Treeguy

D

treeguy24

OpioPhobe

The anhedonia got better with time for me. I don't remember exactly when, but I think it was a little past 90 days. There would be days where I would feel naturally high, and everything seemed wonderful. Then it would be like a roller coaster and I would feel down for a while.

It helped me to do things around other people. There is something about social contact that made things more fun.

When I was getting high I could have been shoveling dog **** and been perfectly content so long as I was high. It took me a while to find out what I genuinely enjoyed doing. I tried different things and tried not to judge myself if I wasn't into them.

SoberCAH

treeguy -

I don't mean "junkie" in a pejorative sense. I use the term in reference to myself, along with "alcoholic, drug addict and drunk".

I certainly don't mean to impugn you as a human being - not by a long shot.

But I have a fairly good grasp of addiction and I know that it really messes up our thinking and our reality.

I know that you have sought help, which is great, but some of your posts (e.g. about having a bottle of vodka nearby) make me wonder as to whether you want to stay clean and sober.

I think that you may also want to pursue a plan of recovery separate and apart from seeing your counselor.

Just my thoughts - doing so has certainly worked for me.

I'm not going to argue with you on your points.

I was just trying to help you, particularly since the title of your thread is "relapsed and feeling really bad".

Everyone on this thread, to a person, just wants you to get clean and sober irrespective of how you get there.

It took some courage to start this thread and reach out for help.

Keep us posted with your efforts.

treeguy24

I can sort of relate to that. It certainly can be a roller coaster ride with your emotions and how you're feeling.

treeguy24

You know what, looking back at it now I would say I probably was not having the best day when I replied to your response and I probably flew off the handle just to vent some frustration. I know you were only trying to help.

I agree having some other recovery plan in place is better than just going to a counseling session once a week. That's what my counselor said. I see her for an hour a week, but what about the rest of the week when I don't see her?

treeguy24

treeguy24

So much has been going on lately. Quit my primary full time job this past week because I had been having problems with my boss and the way he treated me. I was warned by other people to stay away from him and his company anyways but I gave it a shot hoping it would work out and I ended up getting screwed too but it was a decision I had to make for my well being. It was a very toxic work environment for me and I don't think it was helping me feel any better. That means my present and future is somewhat uncertain. I do have my own business but the income isn't steady. I did however get in touch with my boss at a company I worked for before taking my hiatus from work altogether (maybe some of you remember that earlier in the thread) and he said I could come back to work there whenever I want.

So at least I have some fallback options.

Still clean.