daughter here needing advice for addict mom
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
daughter here needing advice for addict mom
new here and looking for some advice. to make a very LONG story shorter:
I am now grown and have my own family but still the daughter of an addict. my mom was addicted to cocaine and I was taken from her at a young age. she got clean and stayed clean for a good 10 years. our relationship was great, and I finally had a mother I could trust and loved spending time with. about 6 years ago she had some a run in with the law and ended up on probation and did some jail time ( I bailed her out with her own money) and I found out she dropped a dirty urine test which was positive for cocaine. I was so mad at her and wondered how she could do this to me again. she went on and continued to drug test, and somehow managed to get off probation (but I still think she somehow fooled the pee test). ever since then, her mood swings, aggression, anxiety, poor judgement, no common sense, always putting on a show in public, paranoia, and keeps odd hours which she all blames this on bipolar and doesn't take medication because she says it makes her feel funny. in my head I thought something was up and I have always kept the thought of her using cocaine in the back of my mind, but she always denies it and gets mad at me when I accuse her of it. so I never knew if she was telling the truth or lieing. I basically cut off all contact with her, and she would only call me in a state of panic or when she needed help. she lost everything including a place to live, she was living out of her car in 90 degree weather, getting bit up with bugs because she was sleeping with her car windows down. while this was going on it was killing me, I would think about her 24/7 and felt awful to the point where I wasn't sleeping and was constantly worried about her and it was affecting my life. after a whole summer of this, I ended up finding her a place to live (she is on a fixed income) and moved her in. she pays 75% of the rent, and I pay the other 25% per month. she has made every payment and has not missed a month. the reason I pay 25% is because her fixed income amount is so low, that it is extremely difficult to live off that amount. so it was me being nice. our relationship is still distant, and I only talk to her on occasion. but just knowing she had a place of her own and wasn't out on the streets was enough for me. i got my life back, and the stress lessened worrying about her. I still didn't know if she was using or not, I just knew her behavior was irradicatal. fast forward to today... I get a phone call saying she was picked up by police 2 days ago and she wanted me to bail her out and she would pay me back. I asked what she was in jail for and they couldn't tell me until she had her hearing tomorrow. I went and picked up her belongings, as im in the station I hear her yelling "don't tell her why im here" and in her belongings was a paper that stated her charges: 1) possession of cocaine 2) possession of narcotic equipment! bingo.... my suspicions were right. and I couldn't be more hurt. I told her in the past if I found out she was using, I would cut off all contact with her and our relationship would be over. she literally has no one else but me. I am very forgiving and have a heart. but what do I do? she could never afford her rent without my help. do I stop paying my portion? clearly she can afford cocaine. I wonder how long shes been doing this, and lieing to me. do I cut off contact with her? im not bailing her out, im not getting her car out of the impound, and im not paying a dime toward any court costs, fees, or drug testing for probation because I know all that is coming. part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise. I seriously don't know what to do. im a wreck. I do care about her, but she has betrayed me so many times, and I always help her. she is using me. she doesn't care about me. everything is always about her and poor her. but then I read addicts need support and will use more if they have no family support
I am now grown and have my own family but still the daughter of an addict. my mom was addicted to cocaine and I was taken from her at a young age. she got clean and stayed clean for a good 10 years. our relationship was great, and I finally had a mother I could trust and loved spending time with. about 6 years ago she had some a run in with the law and ended up on probation and did some jail time ( I bailed her out with her own money) and I found out she dropped a dirty urine test which was positive for cocaine. I was so mad at her and wondered how she could do this to me again. she went on and continued to drug test, and somehow managed to get off probation (but I still think she somehow fooled the pee test). ever since then, her mood swings, aggression, anxiety, poor judgement, no common sense, always putting on a show in public, paranoia, and keeps odd hours which she all blames this on bipolar and doesn't take medication because she says it makes her feel funny. in my head I thought something was up and I have always kept the thought of her using cocaine in the back of my mind, but she always denies it and gets mad at me when I accuse her of it. so I never knew if she was telling the truth or lieing. I basically cut off all contact with her, and she would only call me in a state of panic or when she needed help. she lost everything including a place to live, she was living out of her car in 90 degree weather, getting bit up with bugs because she was sleeping with her car windows down. while this was going on it was killing me, I would think about her 24/7 and felt awful to the point where I wasn't sleeping and was constantly worried about her and it was affecting my life. after a whole summer of this, I ended up finding her a place to live (she is on a fixed income) and moved her in. she pays 75% of the rent, and I pay the other 25% per month. she has made every payment and has not missed a month. the reason I pay 25% is because her fixed income amount is so low, that it is extremely difficult to live off that amount. so it was me being nice. our relationship is still distant, and I only talk to her on occasion. but just knowing she had a place of her own and wasn't out on the streets was enough for me. i got my life back, and the stress lessened worrying about her. I still didn't know if she was using or not, I just knew her behavior was irradicatal. fast forward to today... I get a phone call saying she was picked up by police 2 days ago and she wanted me to bail her out and she would pay me back. I asked what she was in jail for and they couldn't tell me until she had her hearing tomorrow. I went and picked up her belongings, as im in the station I hear her yelling "don't tell her why im here" and in her belongings was a paper that stated her charges: 1) possession of cocaine 2) possession of narcotic equipment! bingo.... my suspicions were right. and I couldn't be more hurt. I told her in the past if I found out she was using, I would cut off all contact with her and our relationship would be over. she literally has no one else but me. I am very forgiving and have a heart. but what do I do? she could never afford her rent without my help. do I stop paying my portion? clearly she can afford cocaine. I wonder how long shes been doing this, and lieing to me. do I cut off contact with her? im not bailing her out, im not getting her car out of the impound, and im not paying a dime toward any court costs, fees, or drug testing for probation because I know all that is coming. part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise. I seriously don't know what to do. im a wreck. I do care about her, but she has betrayed me so many times, and I always help her. she is using me. she doesn't care about me. everything is always about her and poor her. but then I read addicts need support and will use more if they have no family support
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Columbia , SC
Posts: 38
A Cocaine Recovering Mom
My heart feels for you as I've been on the other side, I was the addict mom except my daughter was a minor. We can recover I am 30 yrs free now. Your mom is very fortunate to have you and at some point you are right enough is enough ! ! ! Addiction Is Serious Business that merits Serious Bounderies, Limits, Actions and Consequences . You've demonstrated you were willing to assist not enable....."Kudos to you for a job well done". So your delima now being if you should continue to assist/support her ? Well perhaps she could let you know the answer to this. Such as what is she willing to do to receive any continued financial support from you ? Is she willing to go into tx of any form residential or out patient ? Go to Narcotics Annonymous meetings , counseling ? Most importantly sign a contract holding her accountable to any agreements made ? Just a few ideas for you to think about. Stay Strong Young Lady ....there are forums here for family members. Wishing both you and your mom well
Last edited by 2thru1; 07-02-2018 at 04:24 PM. Reason: Word change
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry for what brings you here.
Your mom was clean for 10 years. How did she do it that time? Was she in a recovery program? If not, that is perhaps something to take a look at. She needs professional help, IMO.
I know it really bites when you find out they somehow can come up with the money to get cocaine. It's expensive!
Sorry for all you've been through. Hang in there. Check out the friends and family forum here.
Your mom was clean for 10 years. How did she do it that time? Was she in a recovery program? If not, that is perhaps something to take a look at. She needs professional help, IMO.
I know it really bites when you find out they somehow can come up with the money to get cocaine. It's expensive!
Sorry for all you've been through. Hang in there. Check out the friends and family forum here.
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