mirrorball

Glad to hear you had a good day Mr Denial. Sundays are so much easier with a clear head aren't they!

I've done the speed awareness course and didn't find it too bad actually - better than getting points on the license. I was always **** scared of being done for drug driving due to the draconian drug driving laws in the UK which can test for the coke metabolite up to 3 days after you've taken it and well after you've actually come down. So another benefit of giving up - don't have to worry about that one any more.

My weekend was ok, I noticed the Beast (AV) trying to get in my head at one point and lamenting the fact that I've left the drugs world behind. Sometimes it is hard to get my head around giving up, as since being a teenager I've always been into some sort of substance (first weed/speed/acid then ecstacy then graduating to coke) but I just keep telling myself I'll get used to it in time and this will be the new normal.

Sounds like you are on top of things so well done!

Mrdenial

Another good day. I really struggle to show emotions or feelings in conversation. I automatically put up a wall as a defensive mechanism or habit from my addiction. I also struggle to listen and pay full attention, and what I really need to improve to help fix my marriage and rebuild the relationship with my wife. From a young age I hid my emotions, or used drugs to suppress them. Any advice would be much appreciated. Another day clean, being pro active, and more steps forward to becoming a better person.

Mrdenial

Hi Mirrorball, I agree Sundays are much easier to manage, mainly because of a clear ahead without the manic of work going on, and being around the wife and kids too. I agree wasn’t too bad actually, considering the other outcomes as you stated, points on the license or even worse, being caught drug driving or being involved in a collision due to being on drugs. I have been lucky to this point, the beast hasn’t really come into my head, although certain behaviours give me reminders of it, when I’m in similar situations now where I would’ve used in the past. I too used since I was a teenager, progression also from smoking solids, skunk, speed, ecstasy, and cocaine. I really wanna change my addictive behaviour which I think a lot of it is habitual from doing so many years. I have a habit of putting up a wall as a defence mechanism that was routine for the edit when situations was telling my AV, to use, and I was trying to stop using.

Mrdenial

Continued…

Not to use, And I was trying to stop using. I am on the right path but need to stay focused and strong. I hope you are doing okay thanks for your time.
Mrdenial

soberista

Are you ok? "Continued not to use...and i was trying to stop using" That somehow doesnt make sense.....

mirrorball

I'm okay thanks, kind of coming to terms that this is permanent! Which is great for me, but the Beast doesn't like it.
I found a pack of fags yesterday with about 5 fags in, when on the chizzle I would chain smoke but I never smoke -at all - if not on coke.... it's a stimulant thing with me.

Anyway on habit, I put the fags in my drawer thinking 'will come in handy for next time', then realised there won't be a next time so I don't need those fags but my pesky beast was very resistant to chucking the fags, reasoning that I may, just may, need them again.

I eventually took control and threw them away but it was a bit of a tussle. Me and my beast. Will be for a while, but I have the upper hand.

Me and Mr. Mirrorball have the chance to go away for the night without the kids in a couple of weeks, so we booked a hotel deal...
gives me something to look forward to, a bit of a treat. In the past I'd want to get a gram in, but I just thought how horrible it would be not being able to sleep and feeling ****** the next day. A day will come, hopefully soon, when I don't even think about the cola in situations like that. Anyway I'm looking forward to the night away drug free, cos I don't do that **** no more

Keep on keeping on, you're doing grand.

Mrdenial

Sorry, repost with corrections!!


Hi Mirrorball, I agree Sundays are much easier to manage, mainly because of a clear ahead without the manic of work going on, and being around the wife and kids too. I agree wasn’t too bad actually, considering the other outcomes as you stated, points on the license or even worse, being caught drug driving or being involved in a collision due to being on drugs. I have been lucky to this point, the beast hasn’t really come into my head, although certain behaviours give me reminders of it, when I’m in similar situations now where I would’ve used in the past. I too used since I was a teenager, progression also from smoking solids, skunk, speed, ecstasy, and cocaine. I really wanna change my addictive behaviour which I think a lot of it is habitual from doing so many years. I have a habit of putting up a wall as a defence mechanism that was routine for the addict, when different situations or people were telling me not to use, and my AV didn’t like hearing it, Even though I was trying to stop using. I am on the right path but need to stay focused and strong. I hope you are doing okay thanks for your time.
Mrdenial

Mrdenial

Hi, another good day today and in control. I have been proactive where possible too. I have always smoked but understand about the chain-smoking when I used to use.
I Also used to do things to leave a door open, like keeping phone numbers, or paraphernalia from smoking weed, but outed it all eventually when I realised I was doing it, as it was giving my AV a route back in again. I too enjoy booking holidays or weekend breaks, it gives me a focus and something to work for, and also puts our money to a family treat, rather than me wasting it and us all missing out.
I am happy to say I don’t do drugs.
Glad you are doing well too
Mrdenial

mirrorball

Yep feel like I've turned a corner. I was working just outside of London last week and could have scored, my london dealer (ex dealer now!) would just about come out that far. I had no intention of doing so though! Beast was trying it on a little, saying 'well you COULD in theory get some', but no chance.

Not to get complacent but although it's only been 4 weeks I really feel like it's all historyH now. I know my sneaky beast will never give up though, and I've had clean periods before only to relapse, so will not let my guard down.

Hope you are doing ok Mr. D and keeping the cravings at bay!

treeguy24

I think a lot of people who are addicted can relate to wanting to keep drugs around even after you quite because it’s like a safety net. Knowing that they will always be there if you need them. It’s a comfort is what it is.

But good for you for taking control and getting rid of the cigarettes. Doesn’t matter if it’s cigs alcohol or other drugs, one hit could send you back into active addiction immediately, even if what you’re taking isn’t your usual drug of choice. Keep up the good work!

mirrorball

I'm not addicted to cigarettes just to be clear. I dont ever crave them normally/ when not high. My point was that as I only ever smoke when on cocaine, by not keeping a half full pack it means I'm serious about quitting, but interesting the Beast wanted to hang on to those fags just in case I end up high on coke again.

mirrorball

Hi Mr. D hope you are doing well. I'm one month clean now, and the first month this year that I've actually managed to go from pay day to pay day without spending any money on drugs!

I had some very good news this week, I got a new job and I've been trying to get out of my current job for a while. Feels like I needed to get clean before I could mentally commit to a new job.

When i found out I got the new job, my brain released lots of natural dopamine which was very triggering for me as this is exactly what cocaine does, and I actually felt quite high... the difference being this time the high means something, as I really have acheived something, rather than just tricking my brain into thinking I have. Still, it was triggering and I remember the AV thinking 'oh this is a bit like feeling high, get me some more of that' . But I don't want to cheat at feeling high any more. Maybe I need to get into competitive sports or something instead.

GerandTwine

Notice you correctly put your point in the past tense, but then immediately revert to the present tense for using cocaine. You are completely missing your Beast’s Addictive Voice when you allow it to put your cocaine use in the present tense. Your not separating from the resistance to the NEVER in “I will NEVER drink/drug again.” When it feels odd to say “I used to use cocaine.” That odd feeling is not you. It’s your Beast.

As I recall, using AVRT early-on, and understanding the ironclad effectiveness of the Big Plan against my recently ended chemical dependency, I could not help but grow very fond of that plan; even love how, after having made that pledge and knowing I would never change my mind, it actually FORCED me to use the past tense in regards to “me” “using”. It was simply TOO contradictory to what I KNEW to be my future as a teetotaler to even consider putting my drinking/using in the present tense.

Mrdenial

Hi all, hope you are are well. Happy to say I don’t use drugs and my AV is silent. I am in Spain at the moment and I have always to keep my AV quiet whilst in a different country. I’m sure my AV will try to be heard when I get home, but it will be told the same thing. I don’t do drugs. Happier times at the moment. All the best.
Mrdenial

Mrdenial

Hi mirrorball, Congratulations on your new job fantastic news I’m pleased for you. That sounds a great idea regarding getting into sports or hobbies. I too am looking for the same sort of thing, for releasing natural dopamine’s, so have started an f.a football coaching course, to help manage both of my sons football teams ⚽️. I also want to set myself challenges and goals, for a focus and target to better myself. Good luck in the new job.
Mrdenial

Dee74

Good to hear from you MrDenial

D