iamsolost

Hi everyone. I am a middle-aged mom, with young kids. A few months ago, I began the process of ending a failed ten-year marriage. I have suffered from horrible anxiety for most of my life, and for many years I used alcohol to cope. I became an alcoholic, messed up a good portion of my life, and ran into legal trouble because of my drinking a few years ago. When that happened, I was forced to stop drinking, and I have been sober since. Until today.

After dealing with a failing marriage for a couple of months, on top of my regular anxiety which led me to not being able to drive or leave the house eventually, I couldn't take the anxiety anymore. My doctor put me on Ativan. It helped me a lot, and I wouldn't want to stop it if I had the choice. But I knew of potential addiction, so tried to keep my dose low. I even tried to do a self-taper, which failed. I have been taking Ativan for about 3 months, mostly about 2.25 mg per day. I would take 1.75 mg in the afternoon, and another .5 in the evening. But, I began to run out after an unsuccessful taper. This morning, down to almost nothing, I took .75 mg, and 250 mg of phenibut, but neither helped. I quickly began to experience withdrawal, even with the two in my system.

I should mention at this point, my past alcoholism has been so severe, I have had DT's at least 5 times. I had withdrawals while I was still drinking, because I couldn't get enough alcohol in me fast enough.

Now, to the point. My kids live at home and spouse has moved out. I have no family or friends where I live to help me with anything, so I desperately avoid going to the ER at all costs because I usually have no one to care for my kids. Today, after dropping my dose so low, and having withdrawal symptoms hit so quickly, I didn't know what to do. I went and got beer and I have drank two beers in an attempt to help alleviate symptoms. It has helped somewhat, but I am terrified the combination will hurt me or worse, and I am wired from withdrawal, even after 2 beers. I am going to drink a couple more tonight, just to get by.

I am scared all will go wrong and I will end up having seizures or something, and if that weren't enough, I know that if beer is to help me through this benzo withdrawal, I am worried my ex will find out I am drinking and take my kids.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am also a full-time student, and have been so anxious I have got extremely behind on my work, and am facing failing my classes if I don't write two papers and ace a math exam by tomorrow at this time.

I need someone to talk to me.

Thank you.

bluesymusey

Hiya,

I am sorry to hear you're going through this, sounds like a very tough time.

All I can say is that even a couple of beers can bring you right back to a dark place and FAST.

If you believe you need medical help, please do that. You can get a letter from the hospital that doesn't state the reason for your visit, but your school should give you extra time to complete your assignments.

With your history of DT's, I'm quite worried as the beers are feeding the monster and it's been waiting.

I hope you can get to a doctor or the ER before things get far worse.

I will keep you in my prayers.

iamsolost

Thank you so much for your reply. I am considering heading to the ER shortly. I just hope they don't treat me like an addict and do nothing, sending me home to watch and wait. There is no sleep coming for me tonight. I can't even feel the alcohol. Thanks again.

bluesymusey

Sleep is of the utmost importance to get through this. You're likely dealing with higher than normal blood pressure and central nervous system issues as is common with withdrawals from alcohol and benzos.

They will take your vitals and hopefully give you a sedative and watch you closely for a few hours. This is what has personally SAVED me in the past.

Once you get some rest and feel more calm, you will feel much better. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing!! My advice is to not worry about your school work right now and focus on getting seeking medical attention.

Please take good care, I will look for your update in the coming days!!

You can (and I believe you will!) get through this!

iamsolost

Thanks again. As an alcoholic this is crazy to say, but I am drinking without even having a craving for it. It's actually making me kind of sick, because I haven't drank in so long.
The fact that I relapsed without even craving is pretty darn scary. Never thought it would get this bad. If I get through, I am off the benzos for good. I will find a better way.

bluesymusey

Yes, you can definitely find a better way that will be in the light instead of the darkness. I spent many years on Clonazapam, but never abused it. It helped control my anxiety and PTSD for a while but ultimately I don't want to depend on anything outside of myself for a fix.

Meditation and exercise are key and the power of positive thinking. I literally had to "fake it 'til I made it" . I would tell myself over and over during dark times "I am love and light and all good things are coming to me" . Or simply "I believe in myself!" I'd say while crying, but over time, I came to truly believe in myself. Perhaps try something out like that and keep repeating it, until it becomes your truth.

Hope you find sleep and peace tonight.

D122y

Iam,

Imo...stop trying to taper and stop drinking. You have Dr. diagnosed anxiety. You should not self taper.

Go back to your normal dosage. Hydrate and eat clean.

I heard here that booze and benzos mixed is a buzz like never felt, but a detox hell that will send one 5150 asap.

Forget about the school work. Turn in a reasonable effort.

Your health has become priority 1.

Lose that, lose everything.

I am not an anxiety rx drug user and haven't had anxiety that required medical support.

I was physically addicted to alcohol and will treat myself like an alky forever.

I fear booze and rx meds. I work out and eat healthy. I get high on life. I still have some ptsd from my old ways and all, but it gets better by the moment.

Prayers and get well.

Thanks.

iamsolost

Thank you. Unfortunately, going back to my dosage is not an option right now, as I am out of meds. After having drank a few beers going through withdrawal, it's not something I wish to repeat. There was no buzz to speak of. Nothing good at all. Just a massive hangover and increased anxiety. I thought it was helping at first, but I was dead wrong.

I went to the ER. They gave me Hydroxizine. I suppose it is helping some, but there is nothing left to do except wait. The headache from the alcohol is now worse than the anxiety. I'm sure that will change in a few hours, when the Hydroxizine wears off. I was also told I could take Benadryl, if needed. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.


Thanks again.

bluesymusey

Hi -

Please let us know how you're doing today!

I'm glad you went to the ER since they likely drew your blood and checked
your vitals, so that's great. I'm glad you put your health first, that's an
amazing step in the right direction.

It can only go UP from here if you stay away from the alcohol.

You can do it!

iamsolost

I am doing a little better today. Still some anxiety, which benadryl is helping. Still have a headache. I haven't been able to eat in 24 hours, but drinking a lot of water. And I did get a few hours sleep in the morning, after the Hydroxyzine knocked me out. Thank you for all of your help, and to the forum. It was the lifeline I needed. I have not consumed anymore alcohol.

apollo986

Glad that your feeling better! I was on benzos for a couple of years. I've been off now for several months. The sooner your off them the better. Wtihdrawls can
can be hell.

bluesymusey

Iam,

Sounds like you're on your way to feeling better minute by minute...good job!

It will get easier, just take it one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. They add up slowly sometimes, but they add up nonetheless and your life will improve considerably.

iamsolost

Well, I have managed to get some food down, and dared to consume some caffeine, and the headache is slowly going. The caffeine, unfortunately, has increased the anxiety again, but in a few more hours I will take some more Hydroxyzine and crash, I hope. Tinnitus is setting in, but I've had it on and off for a long time, so I can deal. As long as demons don't start talking to me, I think I'll be ok. Thanks again everyone.