inrecoverymysel

Hello. I am not an addict, but my boyfriend of 5 years is. Although we are 22 and 23, we were serious and assumed to get married within the next 5 years. I believe he started abusing drugs two years ago, but this past year he escalated to some heavy ones. I do not know, nor I want to, the specific details. He went to rehab for 90 days back in August, and stayed in a sober living house until recently. He has lapsed couple times, once with Kratom, so he didn't think it was that bad.
Anyways, I wanted to get your perspective on something. Over the past 8 months, he has been struggling deeply. He suffers from depression and some trauma from his childhood, and has not been happy sober. He has been distant and struggles with communication and confrontation. He would keep giving some promises and not fulfill them, creating expectations and letting down. He is also a lying machine. His counselor told me lying has become a habit and it is hard for him to stop, even about the little irrelevant things.
Because nothing has gotten any better for our relationship, he continuously lies, and hurts me deeply, I have decided to conclude it. I have expressed myself on Friday over text since he wouldn't answer my calls, and only yesterday he sent a response saying he can't handle it, he will process it and call me later. Obviously he didn't. These reactions suggest he is incapable of being in a relationship right now, and he needs to focus on himself. However, inevitably, I am very upset he did not bother to say anything, or try to see me one last time(I am moving overseas tomorrow). Then I think, I know nothing about what he is feeling or struggling with, and maybe he is just lost. My question is, is it normal for someone 8 months sober to not have anything right in their lives, continue to lie, and not focus on anything? I am wondering if he cheated (even tho he has never in the past), or some other excuse to try to understand this miscommunication and indifference to not even saying goodbye. I know it doesn't matter and I won't get closure, but I still want to see what may be going on in his head. I do care about him, but he has proven himself to not being emotionally available. Deep down, I have felt for months he needed to lose me to take his recovery seriously. Unfortunately, I think he is going downhill again, but maybe this is something he has to experience. Any and all advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.

biminiblue

I've been on both sides of this, I think all you can do is try to heal your own life.

It's good that you're moving far enough away that you will have to start over in every way, because you're right - you'll have to create your own closure. That's unfortunately the way it goes in all breakups. Try to stay in your own head and try not to mind-read. Nothing good comes of trying to make up a story about someone else's thoughts.

You did the hard thing but the right thing. Well done.

Spence7471

Completely agree with biminiblue. Focus on your own side of the house and your life will be less stressful and anxious. From the sounds of it, your BF may have already relapsed and is heading downhill. Take care of yourself, and all you can do is see where he lands.

doggonecarl

Being sober, or clean, for any length of time, isn't the same as being in recovery. If he couldn't get it together while not using, it going to really fall apart now that he's active in his addiction again.

inrecoverymysel

Thank you all for your replies. The comment about trying not to mind-read really got to me and I will try my best not to get lost in what ifs. Spence and doggonecarl, I don't believe he has started to abuse drugs again and he tests clean at IOP, but I can never be sure of it.

I know I may have done the right thing to let go of the craziness, and he probably did not have the characteristics I would want in a lifelong partner, but after spending so many years with him, it is hard to erase all the dreams I have created in my mind. How he was gonna propose, how many children we would have, how many houses we would decorate... Being an extremely emotional person, I probably would never be at peace if we continued after everything I have experienced not to mention the possibility of a relapse anytime; but, I cannot get my mind off of our potential happily ever after.

I know everything will work out, I won't hurt and think of him everyday, cry less, find happiness, but I hate to think I will move on and let go forever. Even the thought of him moving on and loving someone else kills me. I understand it is a process in life and naturally everyone goes through letting go of someone, some event, or a place due to time or circumstances, but I am having a difficult time convincing myself life goes on. Although very unhealthy, I know I could get stuck in my thoughts forever and waste my entire life being upset over the things that did not work out. I hope time will ease my obsession and help me realize I can be happier without him.

biminiblue

Time WILL erase a lot of this circular thinking that you are doing. Grieving takes time - several months at least.

When I last had an emotional breakup I started a journal on my computer. I found that if I relegated my sorrow to a particular time in the day I could better live the rest of the day without the intrusive thoughts.

So I chose to write about Him and It for ten minutes a day, in the evening. I even set a timer. If/when He came into my thoughts during the day, I'd say to myself, "I'll journal about this tonight." Then I'd turn my thoughts to something else, something beautiful or positive. That stopped my all-day-long obsession. Ten minutes was plenty long enough; I was sick of myself and my self-pity-woe-is-me after about seven minutes.

After that was done, I would make a gratitude list. Five things per day, and that would immediately switch off that negative voice in my head.

You'll be okay, it just takes a little time. It is difficult to let go of the fantasy - but it wasn't your reality.

CobraCommander

sounds like hes already spent a enormous amount of time putting drugs first and you last. if hes depressed and not improving then he doesnt care that much about you. hes caring to much about himself and not how hes affecting you. your only young and live only once. leave him and live your life before its to late and you look back at all the time you lost. once he loses you he MIGHT realize what he lost. but that doesnt mean go back to him. that means you should continue to move on or else hell just say sorry, and then do it again. maybe if he gets tough love and realizes he lost you then maybe hell treat the next person better if he decides to straighten his life up. ive suffered pain and depression my entire life and never once let it effect any reltionship i was in. i ALWAYS put my gf first. anyone who doesnt isnt worth the time. and were living in a internet era where if your a girl you can literally find 1000000 guys in one day who WILL treat you right instantly.

inrecoverymysel

Cobracommander, while it was hard to read and accept, everything you have said is correct. He neglected me for too long since being in recovery from being selfish or something else I don't know.

We have been officially broken up for a few weeks and I told him I am moving overseas. We have spoken once since, where he told me we both wanted to move on but were stuck on different places, and how I couldn't live in the present due to his previous mistakes. It wasn't clear if he meant moving on as breaking up or as forgetting the past, which I struggled much with.

I am having a difficult time accepting how he seemed untouched by the break up. I am doubting our memories and his love and it really hurts. I really believed his immeasurable love for me and it is fading away, it probably has been for a while. I know we won't get another chance, but if we do, I hate to know how heartless and selfish he has been, which ruins any shot we would have. I now know he could get excited and pay attention, but that too would fade and that this is his personality. I believe in faith and that everything happens for a reason and deep down I knew he wasn't right for me but I couldn't let go. Knowing a million things he did that broke me, for some odd reason, I am still pretending like what we had was special. I am not ready to live my life happily, but when I am, I hope I can look back and smile

AnvilheadII

even if you take the addiction out of the equation, it is not that remarkable that a couple that got together when they were 17ish, break up a few years later down the road. you are both growing and changing, at very different paces, and as you grow, you are wanting different things.

also, with your departure overseas, it was likely the relationship would come to an end.

he didn't handle his end well or with grace, but for his own reasons, that's where he is today, unable to GIVE much of anything.

best of luck on your journey and this exciting new phase! you get to leave one piece of baggage behind.

inrecoverymysel

Anvilhead, thank you. I teared up when I read your reply, and came back this morning to find myself tear again.

I have never met any of you but I feel so fortunate to have you strangers help and guide me through the worst times of my life, simply because you want to help. You are all amazing and I am beyond grateful. Thank you!

It helps to think he is incapable of giving or be that loving person, as opposed to thinking he is a bad person with a dark heart. Sometimes I feel that way when I am struggling the most, and think he did not care breaking me or having me go through unimaginable pain, maybe moving on unscratched. I hope to forgive of his wrongdoings and not be biased to the environment. Feels like I have PTSD anytime I leave my apartment and cringe when something reminds me of the things hes done, which happens quite often. I truly hope to remember the best of him, and pray he will spend a healthy and happy life.