Jimmy9212

So it's like this. I relapsed. I let my sponsor know, I am going to near daily meetings and have those loved ones around me that support me in the know - and supporting me.

What's my problem then? Simple. I cannot find happiness or enjoyment in my greatest hobbies. Examples you say?

Gardening. I have a killer green thumb and can grow the best tomatoes ever. I don't care to anymore. Guitar. It has dust on it. Video games with my nephew - he even tells me I am slow or not trying - well I don't want to be.

So, up the physical activity - vitamins - continue with healthy foods and living. No avail. I relapsed and took a few pills for that euphoric warm blanket feeling. Instead, I perked up for 20 minutes and then the withdrawal/depression was as intense as when I quit a big habit cold turkey.

What in the world do I have to do to find enjoyment and happiness in the things I used to define myself with? I have looked for new hobbies but everything I do is just...lacking. I bet I could sky dive and just have this blank nonchalant look on my face.

I was over a year clean...and still not happy. The doctor did every blood test and said 'I can prescribe an antidepressant or something like that but on paper - you DON'T need one.'

Thoughts? Experiences? It's not like food doesn't taste the same. It's that food doesn't taste at all. For those 20 minutes I felt something, I was eating the best food and even the air smelt of Tuscany. Mind you this paragraph is a metaphor - this did not happen; relating the feeling. Hopefully it made sense.

- Jimmy

ChloeRose63

I don't have any advice because I am experiencing exactly what you have posted. I am hoping when the weather gets better I will "snap out of it". For now, I am so unmotivated, unemotional and uninspired. Nothing interests me anymore. In fact, everything seems to be 'a drag'. Maybe we can work this out together. I am sure others will understand what this is. At least,I am hopeful.

MindfulMan

Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure. It can be a symptom of depression, is sometimes the only symptom, and sometimes responds to certain antidepressants,.

Danielle423

While a year is a long time in sobriety terms, it is not a long time in physical and mental healing. Think of the amount of time you spent using and think about the amount of time you have allowed your body to heal.

I am not sure what the doctor meant by "on paper you do not need anti-depressants, or how blood work has anything to do with depression but I am not a doctor. I am just speaking of my experience as someone who has been diagnosed with bi-polar type 2, medicine resistant depression, and generalized anxiety disorder.

I hope that things start to improve for you mentally, and I know it is hard but please remember it takes the mind time to heal and fully bounce back.

NOWisNOW

i for one understand, feels like a 'no man's land' i.e. there's the inability to enjoy 'drug of choice' because it never fails, return to the exact level and intensity of usage and the related distress, physically, psychologically, socially etc. And then there's day to day life where everyone in our non using life looks at us like a science experiment or they're waiting to experience a miracle vicariously. Nothing personal but that is exhausting too. So now we're down to a sorta normal life seemingly without anything to 'look forward to', not what i'd expected here yeah i had a 'friend' tease me about the Pink Cloud back in the day but somehow they moved on and i'm left like you going... 'really this is what it's like ?' No glorious answers bro sorrys but your post kept me in check tonight, please be aware that your honesty reminded someone that it's not a race or destination but a daily respite from something even worse...

peace =^,^=

Dee74

Hi Jimmy

I would get a second opinion from another doctor.

Blood tests are a bizarre yardstick to measure the necessity for an antidepressant.

I don't know if you need medication or not but it's not normal to have a joyless existence, not even in recovery.

D

least

I agree with Dee. Depression is not diagnosed by blood chemistry. I'd see a specialist like a shrink. I was diagnosed with depression years ago but I live a pretty normal and contented life because of antidepressants. Please get another opinion. Peace of mind is possible.

Jimmy9212

Thanks for the responses.

I was intrigued as to how blood work would tell if I was depressed. I think she was coming from the vitamin deficiency angle - but that doesn't address anything underlying.

Until I can get a second opinion I am going to tough it out. If happiness is a mindset - clearly I need to change the mental channel as this one is just snow.

Jimmy9212

I just want to enjoy my favorite hobbies again..

Dee74

go for that second opinion Jimmy - at least listen to what they say

Jimmy9212

The second opinion. Anxiety. Depression. GAD. Adjustment disorder. Learn some coping mechanisms. Take this once a day. It’s an SSRI. Being apathetic about the world and life is somewhat up to you.

Ok. Trying the med. Trying to not be so apathetic..suggestions on what else to do?

doggonecarl

I would go ahead and work on your hobbies...Don't wait to "feel" like it. The enjoyment may come out of the act of doing. I liken it to physical therapy. If you had your knee replaced, they'd have you up and doing therapy pretty quick, they would not wait until you felt like doing therapy, or waited until therapy was enjoyable. They got you working.

So work on your hobbies. Enjoyment will catch up.

MindfulMan

Did you see a psychiatrist or a GP?

Remember that SSRIs dont always work and a different SSRI and/or an AD from another class might be helpful.

A good psychiatrist will monitor and make any necessary adjustments.

Stride34

I experienced similar and in my case it was moderate depression. Happiness is not just a mindset. Ultimately the feelings we feel are due to the chemicals in our brain.

Maybe take your doc up on that AD offer. It's not until you feel the relief that you realize what you were feeling is not normal and not something you could've fixed by just changing your attitude. Depression is weird in that you don't really think you have it, until you don't have it anymore. Then it's clear as day that's what it was.

Maudcat

Hi, Jimmy.
Don’t want to sound like a parrot here, but I’m with others. Either re see your doc or get another opinion.
Depression doesn’t always present as sadness.
Sometimes it’s just a meh feeling, where nothing gives you joy.
That sounds kinda like what you are describing.
I would avoid skydiving til you get this sorted out, okay?

4ABetterMe

I'm a musician (guitar). I've been playing 22 years. When I used to use, I would play guitar nonstop. When I started treatment, for about a year I barely played. I went from playing at least an hour per day every day to not even playing 30 minutes twice a week. I also love to build things (I'm a luthier and woodworker)....that went away, too. I didn't know what to do. It was like everything I loved didn't matter now that I was getting clean. It brought me no joy anymore.

...anyway, I think the problem was that when I would play or build I would try to work on the same things as I did before when I used. For me, trying to learn and write a completely different kind of music and build completely different things really helped. I took up bass guitar, and, instead of woodworking, I built myself a 3d printer. Now I 3d print things. It was like playing old songs and woodworking reminded me that I was an addict and it made me sad. Now playing bass and 3d printing is a way for me to realize that I'm changing for the better. I associate those things with the positive choices I am making for my future. It's really helped me.

I don't know if it will work for you, but maybe you could do something similar. Instead if gardening, maybe try taking bonzai classes. Maybe try the bass guitar or another instrument like I did or learn a completely different style of guitar. Associate those activities with the positive changes you're making with your life by trying to get clean. It may help you realize how much work you've done to improve your life, and maybe that will lift your spirits.

I hope that this might help you out. I wish you the best of luck! You're doing the best thing for yourself by getting and staying clean, and that should make you proud! Keep your chin up and try to remember that you're working hard to do the right thing