blackzwan

Last night i slept for 5 consecutive hours before waking with restless legs and was able to fall back asleep within the next hour. A vast improvement, hopefully an emerging trend. This morning the generalized aching and cramping/burning sensations in my arms and legs are minimal and easy to tune out if i'm moving or preoccupied. Initially i had assumed physical withdrawal would start in the first 24 hours, given the short half life of the drug; however, i was without significant symptoms until around 50 hours. I see my doctor today to check in & get the results of my liver function tests. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience with a shorter acting drug? Say, oxycodone for example.
I know the mental aspect of quitting will be the most difficult challenge. I have no illegal access to opiates here; my worry is the risk of using socially acceptable substances like alcohol & marijuana for emotional anesthesia - so i can forget myself, think i'm someone else, someone good (LR ❤)

teatreeoil007

Welcome aboard, friend. This is a good place. You seem down on yourself and I just want to say, try not to be ashamed....addiction and everything that goes with it can happen to anyone....especially if one is in a "perfect storm" situation, eh? We get it and we don't look down on you. There, I just had to say that.

I am SO glad you are getting some sleep. Sleep is very therapeutic for our brains and bodies. One of the hardest things about early recovery for opiates is insomnia. I know someone who had been clean for awhile from heroin and she said she didn't sleep for a year....I find that hard to believe, but she was emphatic about that.

Diet is so important as we are what we eat whether we are struggling with addiction or not. EVERYONE is what they eat. It's so true.

Ok, enough of my preaching. Hang in there. We care.

teatreeoil007

Please check in with us frequently. I log in every day and check this board.

Dee74

hows it today blackzwan?

D

blackzwan

The past couple days have been a challenge, Dee. I'm feeling quite low. Thank you for your kind words, teetree.
I am feeling so much shame and uncertainty and fear and anxiety. All these intense feelings that i've always run from in one way or another, feeling them all at once, with no where to run. Yesterday i had the compulsion to cut myself - something i've never done nor thought of doing. It was nearly overwhelming in its intensity, the urge to cut, a release, a way to redirect my mind. Instead i vacuumed. And the urge passed, as they all do, but man oh man, what is this strange place i find myself? I'm trying to remember to be gentle with myself as i would a friend, to have compassion for myself. But i keep forgetting, and i am disgusted with myself. Thank you both for reaching out & "listening."

Dee74

I hope this coming week will be a little easier for you blackzwan

D

teatreeoil007

BlackZ: It sounds like you are hatin' on yourself and filled with self loathing. I remember feeling that way too....as well as feeling just downright FOOLISH!! Me, who has for so much of my life prized myself at not being a FOOL....I found that I was a FOOL...or, was I? I took me awhile to forgive myself and let go or REGRET. I could not, no way no how change my past foolish actions and moments of weakness. I DO recall feeling like I was caught up in a perfect storm and made bad choices at that time in my life...the "way" wasn't clear....I just wanted some type of relief. I finally realized that I loathed what I DID or should not have done. And, in some cases I didn't do what I should have done. I'm a perfectionist, so I am the hardest on myself....which is quite common among musicians. I had to let go of my perfectionism to a certain extent and not be so hard on myself. I don't know if that's an issue with you or not, but it sure was with me. Hang in there.

blackzwan

Perfectionism just so happens to be one of my (many) issues. Which of course means i let myself down constantly. Unless i'm high; then the inflexibility and impossible standards recede to the background, only to come roaring back again when sober. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I'd been operating under the assumption that my ability to maintain external indicators of success - education, career, financial independence - meant i didn't have a problem. In fact, i felt i had achieved a sustainable balance that few are able to pull off. Not only did i think myself so incredibly clever, i also admit to feeling powerful & superior.
So basically i've been dishonest, shallow, arrogant, and foolish. And the cherry on top of my sundae of shame is my denial & dishonesty.
I think i understand your choice to loathe what you did, your actions (as opposed to hating yourself). Love the sinner, hate the sin, right?
I really appreciate (understatement) your empathy and wisdom. Letting go of perfectionism - or at least keeping it at a distance - sounds liberating. But how does one do that? Box it up & bury it in the ground? Burn it up & throw it away? (L.P.)

teatreeoil007

Thx for your post, Blackzwan. So, you get it. You get what it's like to be a perfectionist. How to let go of perfectionism? I don't know if that's totally possible for those of us who are. [Nor should we?] On the one hand....our tendency keeps certain standards high. But on the other hand....at what cost (s)? How has this character trait cost us? And can we get rid of it? I don't think I will stop being a perfectionist completely...but I think the best way perhaps for me to let go of some of it is to simplify as much as possible without lowering standards that are important. Does that make sense?

In a way, perfectionism can drive people to succeed and do well and there is no SHAME in that. I don't want to be too prideful, but I also don't want to wallow in shame....because that's not good either.

You have nothing to be ashamed of in your personal, career and life accomplishments; your successes....and there is satisfaction in much of that. I too had deceived myself into thinking I "pulled off" a certain amount as I chose to measure it. But, some things catch up to you and you realize one day you are not quite at peace, despite the achievements, independence, etc .

So I don't know if we can truly "bury" our perfectionism...maybe it is simply something we need to learn to manage and balance out somehow. Hope you're having a good weekend and good day. Hang in there.

treeguy24

Oxycodone is my drug of choice and I didn't notice any real physical WD's until day two, not day one. It depends on the person I guess, how much you're using and how long you've been using. For IV users I think it's pretty typical for WD to appear within 24 hrs or less, but from my experience with pills I don't start feeling uncomfortable until I'm halfway into day 2. Minus the mental anguish on day one of not having a fix. Best I can say is the longer you stay away from it, the better it gets. And every time you think of using, remember you will have to go through the WD when you want to quit again. It's not as simple as quitting, going through WD, and the being able to start up again and not have to worry about it. I went 6 days sober and went right back to an everyday habit. Within a few days I was taking as much as I was before I quit cold turkey. So if I decided to quit cold turkey, it would probably suck again. So like I said, remember the pain of WD whenever you want to pick up and use. Keep posting here, this is a great place to be.

LostInNewYork

Just to confirm YES. Day 3-4 are the worst off oxy withdrawals. I know people say "short half life", "i go immediately crazy after 8 hours from my last dose" but that simply was not the case for me.

Seems like the same thing happened to you as "into 50hrs" would pretty much mean day 3. Hang in there, all you got is a few more days to duke it out.

Dee74

Hows it going Blackzwan?

D