blackzwan

G'day everyone. After ~3 years of daily codeine use, at 480mg/day for the last 6 months or so, I am currently on day 5 of withdrawal following a "cold turkey" approach. I've tried tapering on numerous occasions in the past without success. Since 1999, i've periodically abused numerous opiates in various ways - everything from percocets & vicodin by mouth, to snorting roxis, opana & dilaudid, to IV morphine, heroin & dilaudid. I never had a consistent, reliable source (it was always feast or famine, benders of days/weeks/months), which i think kept the beast in check, albeit externally. The only other time i've experienced significant physical symptoms of withdrawal (other than bowel related) was following a month long IV heroin bender when i was at university. But at that time, i had access to many other drugs with which to "chemically manage" the short, intense withdrawal. I immigrated to Australia in 2011 and down here i've no idea how nor desire to get back into that stuff.
But after my mom died in 2014 from complications related to fentanyl abuse and i went home to sort her affairs and arrange the funeral, i went on an oxycontin & dilaudid bender with my father, his friends, my friends, my mom's friends (you get the idea), and upon returning to Oz, i began self-medicating with codeine, a drug that does really little for me in terms of experience but was easy to obtain. Up until a few days ago, low dose codeine was available without a prescription.
So, yeah...
I'm sitting here alone, achey and in need of sleep, thinking of the circuitous path i've travelled to get to this exact moment, the series of choices, the supposed invincibility of youth, the vulnerability of now. Or really, the vulnerability that's always been there. Thus far, i've been lucky. I feel ashamed to be withdrawaling from codeine (freaking codeine?!) but also recognize, given all the junk i've played with, it could be far, far worse.

Dee74

Hi and welcome blackzwan

Hopefully it won;t be too long before you start feeling better - support helps too - and there's tons of that here

D

blackzwan

thank you so much.
as a moderator, are you able to delete posts? i’m a hot mess right now and kinda freaking out above having shared all that.

Dee74

We don't usually delete posts I'm afraid as its against our rules.

There's nothing there I see as exceptionally specific or recognisable.

With the prescription only rule from Feb 1 I think there'll be a lot of Aussies posting about codeine withdrawal from now on.

You can send me a PM (private message) after you make 5 posts - we can talk about your concerns if you like

D

blackzwan

I understand. Thank you.
I think i got lost there for a minute - oxy this and IV that - and seeing it all in print is just a tad unsettling when one has always been so furtive.

Dee74

I get that, It was a spin out for me too but, ten years on, I promise this is a very safe place

None of us know any more about you than what you've shared

D

Danielle423

Welcome! The first time I really put it all out on paper it blew me away. It is one thing to know what your past involves, but it is a whole different thing to see it all listed out without any excuses or little white lies in-between. Personally, I have found that it was EXTREMELY important that I lay it all out there and acknowledge just how extensive my addiction was. It also helped to just make a straight list of every bad thing my addiction did or took away from me. (That was one of the scariest wake up calls I have ever had!)

You can do this! Keep moving forward and moving towards the type of life you want for yourself and those around you!

blackzwan

Thank you so much, Danielle. My previous disclosure is merely the tip of the iceberg and yet still feels like more than i can process. I've been duplicitous for so long, and over the last few days it's become painfully apparent that i've been lying to myself more than anyone else - which says a lot, given how i've deceived those close to me. All part of the process, i suppose. I think i need to define the type of life i want, like actually write it down, qualify it, so i know what i'm working towards.
Thanks again.