a restart
+21 days clean
...in a random coincidence i'd notice a great piece of musical equipment for sale at a pawn shop i'd frequented when strung out, of course it'd been mine once
i ran back by today on lunch hour and bought it back
felt better than ANY hit i'd ever taken of anything
=^,^=
...in a random coincidence i'd notice a great piece of musical equipment for sale at a pawn shop i'd frequented when strung out, of course it'd been mine once
i ran back by today on lunch hour and bought it back
felt better than ANY hit i'd ever taken of anything
=^,^=
40 days... Wow, a few key things that seem to be helping, disclosure to the few close friends i have, the realization of the futile nature of so called 'social media' and deletion of account on the most widely recognized one, stepping up my performance at work, during off time leaning into music whether my own playing or working with someone who's asked to be taught (also decline of an invitation to play with someone whose been problematic), family connection(s) making myself available and open, a doctor's appointment addressing some physical issues, regular exercise and focus on diet, a normal amount of sleep, picking back up more intellectual interests of books, independent film and online lectures.
yes i do still find myself considering using, i dunno if that feeling will ever stop completely...
i'm living with it for now
=^,^=
yes i do still find myself considering using, i dunno if that feeling will ever stop completely...
i'm living with it for now
=^,^=
the unexpected death of father (the last of my intermediate family, my mother and both brothers are all already gone) sent me back out *i allowed it, justified it, whatever* and for a steady 2 and 1/2 weeks after his funeral did as much as i could possibly do...
at a quarter to midnight last night i put it down, not so much that i couldn't get more but just sheer exhaustion
...so after a meager 5 hours sleep, the first in at least 3 days i've gotten up and cleared out paraphernalia, clean up the house, said a real prayer and have decided i've had enough
this is just a physical log to know when i'd decided to get clean
at a quarter to midnight last night i put it down, not so much that i couldn't get more but just sheer exhaustion
...so after a meager 5 hours sleep, the first in at least 3 days i've gotten up and cleared out paraphernalia, clean up the house, said a real prayer and have decided i've had enough
this is just a physical log to know when i'd decided to get clean
d.o.c. is a bit of a misnomer as i do not actually remember choosing this life cycle... there's a coupla thoughts that kinda relate. Tom Petty admitted that his addiction to heroin started when he turned 50 and was going through a terrible divorce, similarly i'd never tried crack cocaine until shortly before my 50th and unlike any other substance once i started, stopping is damn near impossible. Secondly when in a rehab facility almost 3 years ago a more hard nosed councilor who was not only the same age as myself but also recovered from the same substance and relatively late starter too said 'anyone who'd introduce this stuff to us was expressing the purest form of hatred, it's meant to do one thing... destroy lives'
...and she was right
...and she was right
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