FenwayFaithful

So yes I WANT to, but I won't, but I am really struggling.

I am 3.5 months pregnant. And it's not an ideal situation. My boyfriend/father of child was getting high a few months ago. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. (obviously)

He has continuing financial problem as a result. He has been late several times for rent. Stupidly told parents about this.

Now (very controlling/over bearing) parents are insisting I move back home to Massachusetts (I moved to FL for treatment and have been here for 2.5 years) saying if I don't I'm being selfish and my child will suffer as a result.

I don't really know what to do. I love my job and life down here but maybe moving home is the best option. Parents have certainly made it clear that I'm a bad Mother for wanting to stay here.

It's just so complicated and I'm more stressed than I've been in whole life. IDK how to handle it. I'm 29 year old by the way. Parents don't have much faith in me tho. I don't have much faith in myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd just be better of just still out there being a careless addict.

Thanks for listening.

Maudcat

Hi, Fenway.
Thanks for posting.
I guess I would ask where you feel you get support.
Florida or Massachusetts?
Sounds like going back to Mass. might be stressful for different reasons.
I wouldn’t equate wanting to stay in a location you like and keep a job you like with being a bad mother.
Good luck.

FenwayFaithful

Well my Mom thinks that BC I would have to leave baby alone with BF while I'm at work. She doesn't trust him. Doesn't know he got high but just assumed BC he couldn't pay his half of rent I had to borrow a couple hundred dollars from her a few months ago ( Car broke down the day after rent was due and a week bt pay checks!)I had to explain he couldn't pay otherwise she would have thought I was getting high.
Anyway I acted out on other behaviors that aren't great so def need to start doing things differently. I don't want to start using or drinking once the baby is born. I'm worried if I go back to MA I will BC I will feel like I was forced into it. Plus family is a huge trigger. Like they're supportive but they stress me out greatly and make me feel angry and resentful.
Well the good news is I didn't get high today. So I can thank my higher power for that.

teatreeoil007

Hmmm. Florida and Mass are very different; especially this time of year. You love your job. You actually HAVE a job and that's a good thing and that you love it. A lot of folks can't say that about their work. It sounds like your parents could provide some stability or think they can provide the kind of support you need right now. However, you know your parents way better than we do. Would they be supportive to you in a helpful way? Or, would they be negative and put you down? Tough situation. I'm glad you seem sure about not getting high. Just think of that tiny little baby inside you that needs you to be clean. Hang in there and sending you a big hug.

least

You are not being a 'bad mother' for wanting to stay where you are. You go (or stay) where you do best, whether your parents approve or not. It's your life, after all, not theirs.

MindfulMan

A really good family friend moved to Florida to be with her BF. Said BF was a dabbler. She got caught up in heroin and pills. She and baby daddy had three kids together, three wonderful and beautiful kids.

Her family is in Pennsylvania. Her father is a rock, and very supportive. Unfortunately her mother passed away from early onset dementia.

Long story short, she got sober, relapsed, overdosed and died last year. She was 27.

Where would you get the most support? Being in recovery, pregnant, and living with a user doesn't sound too great to me. If you relapse, the child will have two addict parents. It's not even just about you at this point.

I only know half of the story, you might have huge issues with your family as well.

Think very carefully and honestly which situation will most allow you to remain sober.

FenwayFaithful

If I knew or found out he was still getting high I would probably have to move home. He says he's clean. I posted about this in the friends/family forum actually. I do question his clean time. He's offered to drug test for me I just haven't done it yet.
Now I see what you're saying too, if he was using pills just a few short months ago, what to say he isn't still doing so or won't relapse yet again once the baby comes especially with all the stress. Especially BC he hasn't been honest with his sponsor, actually he no longer even has one.

(I relapsed on weed and alcohol for a little while myself, told my sponsor right away, got back into therapy and NA etc)

Anyway obviosuly I want to provide the best home and situation for my baby as I can. I just feel like if I don't at least give it a try down here in Florida where I'm more stable (career wise/sober support wise) then I'll spend the rest of my life resenting baby and my parents, which isn't conclusive to recovery either.

Parents are very supportive but overbearing and struggle with boundaries. Therapist and sponsor both think going home is a risk to my sobriety and mental health but both also agree I am in for unique challenges here in Florida as well.

Both decisions have their benefits and their pitfalls. Just difficult to know which one is right. But maybe there isn't exactly a right answer here.

I am feeling a bit better today and just hoping that over time the right decision will be reveled to me.

SparkleKitty

I thnk the big question here, Fenway, isn't FL vs MA, but do you trust your boyfriend to be able to support you and baby, and to be willing and able to take care of baby when you are not able to.

I've seen a lot of people on these boards who really believed a wedding or a baby would change their partner from an irresponsible person to a responsible one, and it's usually been pretty disappointing to find out that it didn't. Is there other support for you in FL as far as baby is concerned if turns out that he cannot be counted on?

FenwayFaithful

I have SS who would watch my baby yes. But I would prefer he stepped up and acted like a man so my baby can be with his/her Dad. I'm not ignorant enough to believe that will happen, that he will suddenly become responsible over night.

He speaks of making changes. He got a second job. Talks about opening a savings acct in my name and giving me his paychecks. Maybe not the ideal solution but...

I guess I just don't want to uproot my entire life because of his actions. Then again I'm the one who got pregnant and now I'm the only who has to decide what's best for this child.

I can be pretty hard headed. I am not against moving back to MA if things aren't working out. But I guess I want to give it a shot down here. I have no intentions or desire to be with him long term. Too much has happened and there is too much resentment for me to ever have a real relationship with him again.

I also think my parents might be willing to help with child care if the need arises.

IDK maybe moving back IS the best option but the thought of starting over , resumes, job interviews, new job...all that...sounds so terrifying, daunting and impossible.

SparkleKitty

FWIW, I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, hard or no.

It sounds like your parents are scared. You don't have to let their fear dictate your decision. If giving it a shot in FL is what is in your heart, then I say have at it. You will always be free to change your mind later.

sixth

Oh Fenway, you poor dear thing. I am so sorry to read that you're having these issues. Pregnancy is hard enough! Oh sweetheart, I'll keep you in my thoughts for sure. I have no true advice as I've just recently found that my son is doing heroin (same age as you), and I'm just beside myself with worry.

Hunny, PLEASE try meditation... It's not something you have to take a class for... Just look it up online! It's simply breathing, getting into a relaxed position and trying to clear your mind COMPLETELY. It takes practice, but I know you can do it.

ps... try to have a stressless Holiday Season, ok? (=

BriarSkye

A close childhood friend used drugs(cocaine, marijuana) and alcohol while pregnant.
The baby died two days after birth with a deformed heart,
cancer of the lymphatic system and downs syndrome.
So sad and disturbing.

SoberLeigh

How are you, FenwayFaithful?

Thinking of you.