Sabotaging his stuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2
Sabotaging his stuff
I am Chelles (Shells) and I am an alcoholic and addict. Having quit my DOC 3+ years ago I could be proud if I hadn't traded drugs for booze, but I did.
I have tapered way down on my drinking and rarely (get drunk, this is an edit), but taper due to epilepsy and a heart condition, according to professional advice from my addiction doctor. Doctor and I agree I may easily end up inpatient to detox, and husband hates that idea because he'd miss me... preparing his fix for him.
My husband has chronic pain, having had surgery after an accident some years back. He loves my ex DOC which I am not describing because it's fairly inexpensive and easy to obtain.
I prepare this stuff for him because I am *good at it* and he isn't. He will agree to take a weekend or even a day off then find a reason not to do that. This has been going on for years, now, and I dread weekends. I miss him while he is at work, and miss him more (and tolerate his verbal abuse and crazy behavior such as driving) on weekends. If I can't or won't prep the stuff he does it himself and just sort of hates me and complains about it "not really getting anywhere" by which he means nodding on the floor. This Is Beyond Pain Relief!
I am about to freeze 1/4th of his stuff for tonight so it won't be as good as he hopes it will be. This dishonest approach causes me tremendous guilt and anxiety. I haven't ever done it before and will have to freeze more than 1/4 next time and so on.
The idea is, when this stops working he will have to go to a doctor and perhaps get a second surgery, or at least a legal script. I may have to go through many ways of making it and faking "hope" that he will get "to a nice place", and never ever tell him the truth. I hate this so much. He won't listen to my pleas, won't keep his promises, and we don't get stuff done anymore! Life stuff people need to do? He will only do that when sleep deprived and high, and his driving is so scary. I hope he repeatedly rates the stuff I prep and moves on to something normal. Feedback is welcome, but please don't be mean to me, and, yes I know I am such a hypocrite. On the other hand he gave me hell for my use while using is just jolly and fine for him? I don't know how he can't see that when I at least see "Ohhh so this is what I put you through!".
I want to get better and have a better life together, and have taken steps but he thinks things are fine the way they are. At this point I honestly hate life. I don't hate him. I blame myself for him even knowing this is an option, and blame myself for having ever made it for him even one time.
I have tapered way down on my drinking and rarely (get drunk, this is an edit), but taper due to epilepsy and a heart condition, according to professional advice from my addiction doctor. Doctor and I agree I may easily end up inpatient to detox, and husband hates that idea because he'd miss me... preparing his fix for him.
My husband has chronic pain, having had surgery after an accident some years back. He loves my ex DOC which I am not describing because it's fairly inexpensive and easy to obtain.
I prepare this stuff for him because I am *good at it* and he isn't. He will agree to take a weekend or even a day off then find a reason not to do that. This has been going on for years, now, and I dread weekends. I miss him while he is at work, and miss him more (and tolerate his verbal abuse and crazy behavior such as driving) on weekends. If I can't or won't prep the stuff he does it himself and just sort of hates me and complains about it "not really getting anywhere" by which he means nodding on the floor. This Is Beyond Pain Relief!
I am about to freeze 1/4th of his stuff for tonight so it won't be as good as he hopes it will be. This dishonest approach causes me tremendous guilt and anxiety. I haven't ever done it before and will have to freeze more than 1/4 next time and so on.
The idea is, when this stops working he will have to go to a doctor and perhaps get a second surgery, or at least a legal script. I may have to go through many ways of making it and faking "hope" that he will get "to a nice place", and never ever tell him the truth. I hate this so much. He won't listen to my pleas, won't keep his promises, and we don't get stuff done anymore! Life stuff people need to do? He will only do that when sleep deprived and high, and his driving is so scary. I hope he repeatedly rates the stuff I prep and moves on to something normal. Feedback is welcome, but please don't be mean to me, and, yes I know I am such a hypocrite. On the other hand he gave me hell for my use while using is just jolly and fine for him? I don't know how he can't see that when I at least see "Ohhh so this is what I put you through!".
I want to get better and have a better life together, and have taken steps but he thinks things are fine the way they are. At this point I honestly hate life. I don't hate him. I blame myself for him even knowing this is an option, and blame myself for having ever made it for him even one time.
Last edited by Chelles; 11-17-2017 at 02:01 PM. Reason: edit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2
I guess I didn't make it clear I was asking for advice. Oh, well. If a mod sees this, please delete my post since it doesn't make sense, and ban me maybe since I am overly sensitive and don't want to be here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)