rojogonzo

Been a while. A long while.

So long I forgot I used to come here.

However long it's been is how long I've been clean and sober. I don't know exact dates or years (it's taken away any specific memory recall), but using what memories I do have I put it about six years sober, and seven or eight years clean.

I started out in AA and NA but stopped going, maybe a couple months in, because I never felt I belonged or was accepted there. Something about how I didn't suffer enough to call myself one of them.

So I stopped going for those reasons, and figured I was on my own. It seemed to work; living by a single rule of "whatever you do, don't sink the boat". It was a stupid rule, but it worked.

No booze, no drugs, no exceptions.

Cravings came and went, days flew by, years even.

But here I am; one week into a episode of cravings so intense that nothing seems to shake the monkey off. I sweat, cry, and bleed but it keeps whispering in my ear.

Booze is a nonissue, it's everywhere I go - and dealing with drunks is a part of my job. I just stick to my coffee and that's enough. But the drugs are another.

I never did any kind of drug that lead to a physical addiction (save my initial run with barleycorn): meth, benzodiazepines, stimulants, opiates. I may have been a druggie, but I knew to steer clear of those shoals. My poisons of choice were the hipster highs - the stuff only mentioned in botany textbooks and urban legends. Many weird nights and strange mornings were spent riding those kinds of waves. But when a couple of years had passed since I partook, I wrote them off as done.

But this time I can't shake it, and it feels like part of me doesn't want to. So here I am in a kind of Mexican standoff.

Dee74

Hey rojogonzo - good to see you you.
Any ideas on why it's niggling at you again?

what do you feel you're missing out on?
D

rojogonzo

I don't even know.

If I had to guess it might be my new relationship. I met this guy several weeks ago and we've really been hitting it off. He drinks alcohol, I drink with him. But that doesn't seem to be it because when we're apart whether it's for a day or a week I don't want to drink - don't see the point in drinking alone.

But when he found out about my past experience with drugs he said that he had connections to buy cannabis. Paraphrasing what he said, he told me that if I ever wanted to do drugs to just smoke weed instead.

Sex is another issue, but I won't go into full details, but after coitus he keeps saying that he needs poppers next time. I had never heard of them before he mentioned them but a quick google sweep revealed that they're a class of inhalant drug.

Dee74

People can be good for us - and bad.
I've been there.

Sounds to me like this guy is awaking some old demons?
They're best left sleeping.

D

rojogonzo

So what do I do? Give him an ultimatum?

Dee74

I dunno. I think you're best focusing on yourself and what you want.
sometimes that means tough choices.

I actually missed the part where you said booze was once a problem for you - if you're drinking again I'd lay bets thats your cravings smoking gun.

I could never drink without wanting to get high and vice versa.

That's the way I choose to live my life - it's worked out spectacularly well for me, and it sounds like it was working pretty well for you too?.

Would this guy go for a no drink no drugs deal? Not sure he sounds the type.

D

biminiblue

That drinking sounds really dangerous, as does this guy.

I mean, who suggests drugs to someone who has been clean for years?

I think put down the alcohol first. Slippery slope, that, and you've awakened the problem by drinking and this dangerous relationship.

I would say, "See ya." But that's just me. I hope and pray you'll cling to your sobriety; it's life - ya know?

rojogonzo

Talking to his mom he tends to drink a lot. Day drinking too.

It would make sense that this is what kicked it up. He's a connection for weed, and lately I can't see the possibility of a rich fulfilling life without drugs.

Dee74

Well there many examples here of rich and fulfilling sober and clean lives, if you can tear yourself away from the hypnotising glare of the Addiction cobra.

And you probably won't - unless you make changes now.

The alternative is to go back into the maelstrom and hope you make it out alive again eventually.

Thats a pretty poor throw of the dice, all for some random guy, IMO.

D

rojogonzo

I'll give him an ultimatum and see what happens

biminiblue

Here's what I would do.

Ultimatums don't work. I doubt he's going to want to give up his lifestyle.

I would say, "You know, I just don't see this working long-term. I fought hard for my sober time and I feel like it is threatened right now. I'm going to say goodbye and good luck to you. "

tomsteve

alcohol is a drug. drinking alcohol reactivates addictive thinking. it can and will start the craving for whatever a persons DOC is.

rojogonzo

Even before drugs and alcohol the idea of a rich and fulfilling life that wasn't filled with hedonism and wealth seemed like a pipe dream, but that's just my opinion. Anyone who says they are rich in spirit should be stuffed into their own oven.

I'm just here for the entropy.

Dee74

I'm not materially rich but I am happy, and content.
Could never say that as a drinker or drugger.

I wore my cynicism like a shield.

When I got sober and clean it was amazing to find I wasn't naturally as dark and cynical as drinks and drugs made me.

PS
Before you try, there's no way I'll fit into my oven

D

andyh

getting back into addictive substances sounds like a sure-fire way to ramp up the entropy. not in a good way though.